Posts

Showing posts from 2008

I'm still alive

For those that read this and no other blog, I'm still alive! Between the store, my other work schedule, and the house I'm working on I'm just plain exhausted to post much these days. I've been sick and the only babble that comes out when I talk sounds like a bunch of whining, and I don't even want to listen to it! lol. But I promise hopefully I'll get to a post before next year...aka Thursday, but I'm not promising, it's going to be pretty crazy between now and then yet too! Better get back to work. miss you all!

The heart

Why is it that it is always when you're sick and you're run down that the heart cries the most? Is it self pitty while being sick? Or could it be your needs are most exposed and you feel even more alone than any other time? This cold/upper respiratory infection has been dragging me along for only a few days now and it seems my heart is crying more now than ever before. Not just for someone to make me soup, or to put their cool hands on my warm forehead, but it cries for God, it cries for companionship, and it seems to point out all my downfalls of late. It points out what's missing in my life, but I don't have the energy or mental capacity to take stock or work on it. I hate being sick, have I mentioned that?

A very Merry Christmas

Besides being exhausted from a very busy week, I'm very happy with Christmas, I wish I had closed for tomorrow as well as I'm really not done enjoying my holiday. :) It's a short post because I have yet to wrap presents for my family when we get together tomorrow night, but I did get to attend a small dinner party with what I thought was the one gay couple in town, turns out they know the other gay couple in town. It was a freaking riot. I laughed so hard I nearly cried! I'm sure I have more to say, but I need to start wrapping.

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to post and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas this year. May the season bring you love and happiness.......and some fun stuff too. lol. I would also like to share a couple of stories with you to start out the holiday right. TRUE story #1: And gentleman came into the store this morning and the following conversation took place: customer: Oh you have Tamales! (reading the package) Pork Tamales by Tia's Mexican Food Me: they sell really well customer: Do they have pork in them? Me: stunned silence......uh, yes, that's why they are called Pork Tamales customer: Oh, I just thought it might be a clever name, do you make them? Me: stunned silence, mouth slightly agape......uh no, that would be Tia's Mexican Foods customer: oh, I thought that was part of the name. Me: sounds of me slamming my head in the cooler door. yes, things like this really happen. TRUE story #2. This took place last week just as my mother finished our christmas wish on our reader board out in fron

Party Party Party

Last night was our manager's Christmas party where the managers at Wendy's all go out for dinner and drinks. It's a new tradition we started last year and it turns out really well. We never all get together to do anything, so once a year we get together and catch up and swap notes as well. We always have a good time and this year was no different. Afterwords we went to Scott's for the after party and had a good time as well. We played some beer pong and then made our way into drama central. I just sat in the corner and talked to Jobe and we avoided as much of it as possible. lol. We did end up having some good conversation later on, which doesn't happen too often, but is always good when it happens. It was a LONG night/ early morning, but it was worth it. Today I went out Christmas shopping finally. I got it all done.....I think?.?.? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm done. Now I just have to start wrapping. I did happen to shop a little for myself with some g

I told him.....again.

It wasn't how I ever planned it, but the build up was there and there was a smoking hot guest. Even after the events of the week I told S again. I don't know if he'll remember, but I'm so tired of hiding it from him, I think when we go shopping tomorrow I'll bring it up.....maybe. Alcohol right now says I'll bring it up, but tomorrow I may feel differently. I've wanted to tell him, I've hinted around about it. His reaction was not quite what I was expecting, but I have a feeling he's known all along. What I didn't tell him was about my 15 year obsession with him. That is better left unsaid as the obsession is slowly going away. I want him to know as one of my best friends, and I know he'd understand, but we don't talk like that all that much unless alcohol is involved. Damn that smoking hot guest to bring that side out of me, well actually two of them. It was too much for me to handle with alcohol. Before I left for this party I said thi

Can he be trusted with alcohol?

So last night I found out that S broke another promise to me. He convinces me when he's sober to trust him with certain things and then after he starts drinking he becomes very open about not only his life, but with my life as well. The results of this latest escapade is probably for the better, but it puts me in an awkward position. I want to tell him I'm gay so bad because he's one of my best friends, but at the same time, I know that if we're drinking in the wrong crowd it will come spewing out of his mouth to all the wrong people at just the wrong time. it's just really been getting to me lately. I need to talk to him about it and get this cleared up before I do something or say something that would destroy me. Oh, I thought by now the problems with alcohol wouldn't be so relevant in my life anymore, but I guess it takes longer for people around here to grow out of it. What else is there to do really?

problems

I feel so guilty and morally bankrupt for the thoughts that have run through my head in the last three hours. I'm so bad, and yet I can't stop myself. I'm not sure how to stop it, well I know how to, but I'm not sure that's the answer. I'm never sure what to tell myself.

Anger

I have decided today that I really need to get my anger under control, just not sure how to do it. Example: I was taping up the furnace distribution box when a customer came in. A customer that I rely on to pay my bills which are not getting paid in recent weeks, do I jump at the chance and run up there to help them? No, I chuck a trash can across the room and swear like a sailor under my breath all the way up to the counter on the other end of the store and put on my happy face, all the while screaming inside my head. Yes, I just took my anti-anxiety medicine, I'm hoping it will kick in soon. I've got issues. I'm starting to think I don't belong here anymore. Or I just need sleep, it's been a long week of no sleep and so much activity, it feels as if my two days away this past weekend was a year ago. Just needed to get that out of me.

Oy

I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now, perhaps that's why my temples are throbbing in pain. Or it could be sinus issues. Either way I'm thinking this is not the time to dive into these issues, I'm down and not feeling up to par, so the entire post would be nothing but whining, and I'm not even in the mood to listen to myself whine. lol. Now if I can get these customers to shut the heck up, I'll be all set. It's been unusually busy and it's not helping the mood. Come on mood enhancers, kick in already!!! :)

Finally a chance to post.

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of traveling and activity. I have loved it all, but it has exhausted me and yet relaxed me. A week ago on Saturday I traveled to B's house to surprise her for her party and it worked. That night I finally met people I had heard so much about and gotten to know over the internet (that's a shout out to J!) and I had so much fun. I often imagine what my life will be like in Cincinnati when I'm down there, and as I sat in the living room at B's having this adult sometimes hilariously childish conversation I wished I could have that more often. It's something that I don't get a lot of around here anymore. I do have a couple of friends that help me achieve that, I just don't always have the time to get together with them. What I felt so drawn to in that room was the fact that everyone there was secure. They knew who they were, they knew who each other were, and it was all good. I felt secure in saying things I want

What a week.

Well it's been quite the week, so much of a week that I hardly had time to post or read up on anything. I feel like I'm so far behind on everything! But honestly I'll get back into it all, it happens this time of year. I had a rough week with lots of orders and things to get done and while it was good, it was just so exhausting! But it's over, it's a new week and after such a refreshing weekend I'm ready to take on the next week. This week I had to prepare 19 fruit baskets for the fire department. It's been a lot of scheduling and ordering and such, the baskets are filled with things I don't carry in the store, which isn't always a good idea, but it makes me money, but I do what I can. It took quite a few days of planning and such, and was rather nerve wrecking, but the pay off was worth it. This weekend I had the pleasure and the great opportunity to take a day off and head to Cleveland to visit with my cousin and his family. It was also the f

A good video

At a point in my life, not too long ago, I had greater respect for Huckabee than I did for Stewart. While I realize this is only ONE issue, the things said regarding this ONE issue is enough for me to think twice about who I respect over another. Hearing these things from him now, I never would have voted for him during the primaries. I have a longer post coming, I promise, but this week has just been hellish and once I get everything accomplished and get a free moment, I'll update the few that read this. Just thought I would provide some entertainment for now. ;) Hey, it's better than elevator music! The Daily Show With Jon Stewart M - Th 11p / 10c Mike Huckabee Pt. 2 Barack Obama Interview John McCain Interview Sarah Palin Video Funny Election Video Video found at About a Boy

Blessed

Image
So much has happened and so little updates, I know, I'm sorry. You'll either get over it, or you'll just delete my blog from your favorites.....I know how presumptuous of me to assume I'm on your favorites, but hey, it's my blog, I'll dream all I want. LOL. First of all, my truck. From the looks it's not really all that much to look at for most people, but I'm so happy with it. We need to fix the brake light and a few other cosmetic things, but it has less miles than my car, and runs better than my car. It's rather shocking really. We have big plans for the truck, my uncle wants to give it a fresh coat of paint, I just want to install my stereo and put my new seat cover on and start driving it! It has an extended bed, so it has the bed of a full size truck, which I love. I've already used the truck to haul the other thing I was blessed with last week. So Thursday I got a phone call from my mother. Seems there was a member of our church who w

I should think before I rant.

I was just ranting a little in my head about how no one has been updating blogs lately. It wasn't directed all at those of you who read this, but at the 50 or so blogs I read from time to time. Honestly I can never get to all 50 in one sitting, but I've run out of material, and then I realized it's been almost a week since I blogged last. Who knew that Thanksgiving could make a person so busy! So Thanksgiving was a wonderful day, it was exhausting with WAY too much food, but it all went so well. I buried my head in the morning and went with my parents to have dinner with my dad's side of the family. We don't have a good history with them and if you ask my brother or sister if they wanted to go, they'd both answer with a solid "Why on earth would I want to go and share a holiday with "those" people?" But the first year I had decided not to go my Grandmother appeared in nearly all my dreams telling me how disappointed she was that I wasn'

I just don't know.

I was at Thanksgiving last night talking to my cousin and listening to him tell me about how he and his wife decided one night that they had enough of debt and made a plan. In less than a year they have managed to pay everything off. They managed to pay off both student loans in less a year....less.than.a.year. How is that possible? I have been hearing more and more stories about people paying down their debt so fast, all I know is that it takes discipline. I'm really curious how this all works. I look everyday at the tower that is my bills and wonder how I can pay these down. I don't make minimum payments except when it comes to the mortgage and commercial loan I have, and there are monthly bills that don't get paid down just paid off every month like utilities, but how do I pay down my student loans? I couldn't even afford the minimum payments and have had to take out a deferment again for another 10 months. Other than that I have a credit card for the business

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to take a moment and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!! Take a moment to remember what it is you're thankful for this year. And then watch the video and laugh. Have a great day everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! This year I'm thankful I'm still in business, it's been a better year, but still rough. I'm looking forward to find out where I'll be this time next year. I'm also thankful for friends. This past year I've lost a few more, well forced out is more like it. But I've really learned what real friends are and how I should be treated, and how I should treat others. In real life and on the internet, I have made some wonderful friends this year, and I'm thankful for you all. I'm thankful for my family. We've gone through some rough patches this year with each other, but we are stronger for it. I love them all. I'm thankful for the election being over. Just glad it's done, now we can move on to fixing what's wrong. It may sound corny, but I'm thankful for this blog. This blog has helped me this year sort through things and get feedback on some stuff as well. It's been quite a se

Oh Christmas

I've been considering not decorating my house this year. Each year seems to be less and less because of the hassle that is my house. In order to put my tree up this year it will require moving my computer and a couple of other pieces of furniture out of my living room and into the storage room that is my dining room. I've been thinking I should take all of my decorations and really do up the store this year, it is where I spend a majority of my time anyway. I just don't know what it will be like to not sit by the light of the Christmas tree at night at my house, but then again I'm not going to have a lot of time to sit by the tree again this year, so will it really matter? I could really concentrate on the store then, I can put together something really nice for a change in there. Yes, I think that's what I'm going to do, no one sees it in my house anyway. Thanks for helping me decide.

Things I need to learn.

1. How to say no. This includes employers as well as coworkers. 2. Stop taking everything so damn personally. The entire world is not about me, sometimes it's about other people.....sometimes. 3. Not every friend I've had for years is still worth the time or effort. Being a friend of convenience is not something I care to be. 4. number 3 repeated because it's worth repeating over and over. 5. When making dishes, be sure to have all the ingredients on hand. 6. Getting more sleep would be valuable to my mind, body and soul. 7. Friends aren't always going to get along, and the ones that can't play nice aren't really your friends. 8. When planning something, always expect the unexpected. 9. Doing things out of guilt never turns out good. 10. I can't save the world, and I can't always fix everything. 11. I shouldn't rely so much on lists.
***************************************************************************** Wow, I need to be more conscious about what blog I'm logged into when I put up a post, I had this posted for a very short time on my other blog. That could have thrust me into some very uncomfortable situations. Yikes! ***************************************************************************** So I've been catching up on a few blogs I found and was getting all worked up about the many protests out there about prop. 8 still going on and some of the commentaries out there where they refer to me as "these people", or telling me the only way to salvation is to wake up and leave my sinful lifestyle. But you know what? I stopped being angry after reading more and more and more because I've started to feel sorry for these people. I started to feel sorry for them because they will never know some of the people I know, they will never be truly loving people, they will never get across the idea

Confidence and love

In my 31 years of life, 28 1/2 of those being single, I watch couples, I watch interactions between people, and I observe. I observe so many things, I can usually tell when a couple is fighting, but not wanting to people to know, I know when the marriage is in trouble, or when the relationship is on the rocks, I can see happiness, and I can sense love. Maybe I've been fooling myself over these past many years as an adult, but I have yet to be proven wrong with my intuition. I may not be able to give love advice, but I feel I can certainly tell when things are as they should be, or when things aren't as they seem. What I wanted to post about tonight is the people I've been encountering lately. Confident couples. Couples so secure and confident in who they are and who they know the other to be that there is no mystery, there is nothing but love. Yes, they have their squables, what human doesn't have a squable. What I admire most is the lack of back stabbing, they

I just watched this

I just watched this and really listened to the speech and really like it. Enough that I'm trying to post another video, and that ain't easy. O.K. maybe it was easier than I thought. lol.

Updates

Well it's been awhile since I've done some updates, so here we go! The front portion of the roof has not been started yet. The weather has put a temporary stop to that, now I have to go and reprice everything and see what can get done this year, I'm hoping to still squeeze everything in, but it will depend on the help I get. The part of the roof that I had rebuilt is wonderful, huge rainstorms last week and for the first time in 25 years, the grocery department was dry as a bone. I was so happy I considered doing a cart wheel, but I remembered I can't do those, so I didn't. lol. Fiddler on the roof was fantastic! The orchestra wasn't all that great, but the kids did an amazing job. How said that I'm calling 21 year olds kids. I just love Fiddler on the roof, I mean you get to watch this jewish family start to transition and think differently. In one of the last scenes when daughter #3 comes back to say good bye to Tevia and the family even though they h

Sorry folks!

I just want to appologize for the last few posts, I posted after long days and every seems more dramatic at night. By the next morning I'm like "whatever, I'm fine" ;) The whole Ian thing, it really only affects me when I'm around him, after we part ways I'm fine. I know nothing will ever happen, and that's fine, he's straight, it's o.k. not every body can be perfect. lol. As far as Joe, that's fine too. I could totally see a lack of self esteem in his eyes, in fact many times when I look at him I see myself. That too will prove to go no where, and I'm really o.k. I guess it's more just testing out my flirting technique's and realizing I'm not the social reject I once thought, a little socially slow maybe. lol. I just get more and more dramatic in the evenings, I always have. By the time I sleep on it and wake up I can typically put things into perspective. I wouldn't allow myself to post at night, but sometimes it's g

He's coming back.

I saw him tonight. I was flooded with emotions. He's still cute, in a rugged way now with his mountain man beard. I nearly shook him out of my head, but that smile, those eyes, they drew me back. Then he tells me he's coming back to work. I'm excited and yet I know what will happen, my obsession will return in full force. The hug sealed the deal. I've missed him. Joe came in the store today for the first time ever. Flirted again and learned more about him. We'd make such a good couple. lol. I need to get out of here.

Am I really that bad?

O.K. so last night I met Joe. Joe is a really nice guy, stocky build, but cute as all get out. The gaydar was flying off the handle and for once I flirted. Not obvious in your face flirting, but enough that a certain someone made a comment about it, but not enough for the oblivious straight guys to notice, and nothing, no reaction, nothing. Am I a bad flirt? Was he not interested, or was he just oblivious to it as well? There was time to make a comment away from heteroworld, time to tell me to back off or not interested, or something. I realize it's not the most convenient place to flirt or to respond, but I always instantly revert back to my stand by "he's not interested, I'm ugly, I'm too fat, blah blah blah" Or am I oblivious to the flirting, could he have been flirting with me and I didn't notice? I am also pretty oblivious to it. But I think the other certain someone with me would have commented on it. He was just so cute, caring and funny. He had a s

Don't you get it?

I just can't understand why people don't understand how badly they disrespect others when they have been asked countless times not to do something, and then just do it anyway, time after time again. How many times must you be told? Are they really disrespecting me or do they just not care? Or do they just not think? I just wish they could live in my shoes for ONE day, just once to deal with the problems that their disrespect causes me, and deal with thinking of the potential HUGE financial difficulty they could cause me. All in the name of tobbaco? I mean really, I'm a smoker, I understand the need. But you can't just light up where ever and when ever you feel like it. Not when you're here, not when you're INSIDE my building that already has a warning against it. One complaint and it's a $500 fine, who's going to pay it? Your nicotine fit is really not worth it to me. Get your ass outside, or in the areas I've told you about thousands upon thous

Love vs. Lust

I'm amazed how many times how quickly I confuse the two. I get so engrossed on how someone looks, and they are not always the GQ type, many times it's a guy I know that I become so fixated on the qualities. The humor, the sensitivity, and just the overall sense of his character, and I find myself longing for more. For a kiss, to run my fingers through his hair, to rub his shoulders, to be next to him. I seem to commonly make the mistake, or do I? I guess never really feeling the love I think I know just makes it confusing. From 25 feet tonight I watched him, I've watched him for some time now, he's such a good person, and I want to treat him like he deserves to be treated. But damn, they are always straight. Why do I constantly do this to myself? The other thing I wondered about tonight? Why is it that musicals and powerful music brings tears to my eyes? A good marching band show could have me in tears if I let it, a great musical will do the same thing, a symphon

If I were a rich man...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRdfX7ut8gw Tonight I get to go see a couple members of my family perform Fiddler on the Roof at Defiance College. I'm just so excited, I haven't seen Fiddler on the Roof in quite sometime and ranks pretty high on my favorite musicals list. I haven't gotten to see much in a while, so I'm pretty excited to go. More on all that later. :)

I'm losing my mind.

You know, my body has been so tired and has been trying to speak to me about my schedule, but I haven't been listening. I told it to quit whining and get over it, it's been like this for three years, and it's not changing in the near future. But I started to watch myself, time myself and just start watching things that have changed over the last six months or so. And you know what I realized? My friends need jobs. I love them all so dearly, and while I am so happy I've created a comfortable environment for everyone, it is seriously effecting my working time. So I've noticed in the last two weeks since the time change really, that I have been inundated by people all day, so much to the point I'm not getting anything accomplished. Today it started at 8:30am, R came in to tell me about a truck and stuck around and visited. By 9:30am R left and G walked in not more than minute later to talk and visit. By 10:30am G was leaving and and M&J came in, I haven't s

Thank you to Dan Savage for his final line in this piece

The video I posted isn't working I guess, so I'll post two links that are worth the watch. One funny yet true, the other very moving. moving : funny : edit: When I say the funny one is true, I should point out that I'm referring to the last exchange between the two of them. Dan had some really great things to say.

Oh Mr. Winter

Oh Mr. Winter, so we are going to cross paths again, let me say I'm less than thrilled. While you have many good qualities, I do not have the patience for you. I loath what you do to me and how you treat me. I am going to create a pro and con list to see if you and I are actually compatible. If I find we are not, I will have to cut all ties with you, and will continue loathing you as I have in previous years. Pro: my electric bill is cut in 1/2 because my coolers enjoy your presence and they don't have to work nearly as hard to keep my beer and products cold. Con: my gas bill is higher and the 5 furnaces run all the time because you're bitterness is too much to take and I'm constantly shivering otherwise. Pro: it's so nice to curl up on a snowy day and enjoy a good movie, or a hot cup of coffee and a good book and watch how peaceful outside is. Con: I have so little time to do this so I end up having to go outside and shovel the bright whiteness off of my parkin

Funny story

Jake called attention to the hot boy on the new banner that I finally took the time to put together, it's a personal picture I took of a man named Rich. I was in Waikiki beach for vacation a few years ago, staying right on the beach. Behind the string of hotels is a boardwalk running along the ocean that leads out into a public parking lot and public beach (technically all beaches in Hawaii are public). I took a stroll one afternoon just checking out the hotels and the hotties on the beach and just taking in the great ocean air, the sun was shinning, and who am I kidding, it was hot as anything! I get down past the hotels and start walking the beach at the more public area and see a little spot up on the parking lot that would be a great spot to get a picture of Diamond Head across the water, so I head up there. Once on the parking lot I nearly got side swiped by a guy on a bike, he maintained control and stopped his bike and looked back at me and apologized. Well at least I th

A few topics

Image
So Proposition 8 was passed in California, Proposition 2 in Florida passed, as well as an adoption ban in Arkansas was passed with this past election. What does this all mean? While it does not directly affect me as they are in different states, there are currently 26 states with similar statutes in place. It makes me sit back and wonder, what's next? What is everyone so afraid of? That two people who love each other might actually be happy? That somehow if the gay couple that lives down the street were to get married it would make their own heterosexual marriage weaker? I've heard a lot of arguments for this. The biggest one I've heard over the last two years or so is that if every gay couple were to be allowed to get insurance benefits, it would cost a fortune. But if these people were straight and married, their family plans wouldn't cost as much? If this is the case I would suggest a lesbian couple get together with a gay male couple, marry each other, liv

A sad day

I realize Jake is ready to move on, but I need to take a moment since I'm going to bed and don't have time to elaborate, to mention that proposition 8 in California was defeated. It's a slap in the face of gay rights and sets a precedent in this country for states to place gay men and women on a secondary citizen list. I'm not sure if I'll get back to get into this or not, but it's not a good sign for the future.
Image
So last night at work I realized why I don’t like that place, it’s the constant competition. If it were competition with their jobs I would be o.k. with that, in fact I would encourage it. But it seems to be the younger generation wants to compete on who the biggest bad ass is, or who the biggest drunk, or slut is. I can’t understand this constant need to one up each other in the most inept ways, and please stop with all the over dramatic statements. “Oh, I have to go home because I have a migraine” No, I’m sorry, if you had a migraine you would be crying with the lights and sounds that are in there, you would not be jamming to death metal and banging your head around. You sir, are just a jackass. I listened for an hour last night of them telling stories about drinking, one of the new kids listed off about 40 liquors (repeating more than half of them over and over) and how he drank a bottle of each and blacked out for a week. I just laughed, if you had that much to drink; y

35 miles an hour.

I was dressed warm, layer upon layer, the engine roaring between my legs, mud flying everywhere, soaring, soaring through the air at a mere 35 miles an hour. One does not realize just how fast 35 miles an hour can be when you're driving in a car, but on this 4 wheeler, open to the air, nothing between you and nature, 35 miles an hour can be so fast. Leaping from bump to bump, sliding around the corners, flying through the forest, sloshing water out of your path, my heart beating fast, my laughing inside of the helmet sounding as loud as the engine outside of my helmet, hearing the water splash away and feeling the mud coating my legs, through three layers of clothes, people watching with thumbs up and laughing and cheering loudly. There is no other world, there are no other sounds, there are no worries, there are no regrets, there are no thoughts, other than one single moment, the moment of nothing but life. The feeling of nothing but pure excitement, thrill, and adventure. Tod
Image
So today I met with the contractor that is going to be rebuilding my roof, he’s a nice guy, the father of a friend, a good guy. He brought with him his lead carpenter….I was reminded of my love of contractors. Oh.My. I couldn’t stop starring, luckily I was on the ground and he was on the roof, so I don’t think anyone noticed. He was so fine. I just keep thinking I want really hot weather so he takes that dang shirt off. I love the ruggedness of a good contractor. The well defined arms from lifting, the delicious chest and leg muscles, and the finely sculpted hind end. Most of them are truly a work of art. I can only hope I get ample opportunity to watch him work next week. Hubba freakin hubba. I’m suffering from quite a battle with M.O.T.M. lately (Men on the mind). I really need to get out more. It’s not always the sculpted types I drool over, I find my tastes vary quite a bit from man to man. Each one having a different quality I seem to swoon over, e