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Showing posts from October, 2009

I never realized.

I know it's stupid, it's irrational and completely irrational......but I miss him. I never really knew the impact he would have on me, I thought it was just another straight crush, and like the rest of them it would come and it would go and I'd move on. But I still miss him. I don't know what it was about him exactly, and I don't know what brings on these moods. Could be the feeling of being alone, or could be longing for something I know I can't have. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year, haven't seen him in that long either, but something about him, something inside of him maybe, I miss so much. It's not crying myself to sleep at night kind of missing, it's not a "I can't live without him" missing, I just miss seeing him, I miss talking to him, and I miss listening to him. I hope wherever he ended up, that he's happy and following his own dreams, because that's the only way I can accept his absence.

The cost of help.

Everyone is raised differently. Different values, different ideas and different styles of friendship. This is something that no matter how old I get, I have a hard time grasping or understanding. Today on my day off I got asked to help E cut up meat at his house because he was butchering a hog and making bratwurst. He said it would take 3-4 hours, we'd just cut it up, grind it and then he and my brother would stuff of the casings on Sunday. E has always helped me when I need help so I was more than happy to help him. Honestly I would have helped him even if he hadn't ever helped me. So as we were working he changed the plan and we started doing all parts of the project, turning a 3-4 hour job into an all day and possibly all night affair. I had made plans with S long before this came about and S and I were heading out of town around 3:30, and E knew this. I stayed until 5 o'clock when S was calling really getting irritated because we were now over an hour behind schedu

I'm 32 and helpless.

I remember when I was 16 and learned how to drive and what a great feeling it was, and when I bought my first car it was even more awesome because it came with this sense of freedom. How I wish I could feel that again. In a matter of 10 minutes I went from free and independent to relying on people completely. I never realized how horrible this would feel, knowing I can't get anywhere without the help of others. I can't get to the store, I can't go visit friends, I can't run errands, nothing without feeling like a burden on others. Sadly it's only been 24 hours and I'm already tired of this. I'm tired of already feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'll learn something about being forced to stay home, maybe I'll get somethings accomplished, who knows. God is trying to tell me something, maybe I've just been making myself so busy I couldn't hear him. Maybe this is a sign from Him. I don't know, but He's got my attention now. If anythin

Things

So tonight I went with my brother and a friend of ours to a place called "Funny Bone" a little comedy club not far from here and saw Tom Foss. I had never heard of him, but he came highly recommended so I shelled out a few bucks to go laugh and have a good time. He.was.hilarious. It was kind of awkward at one point listening to my brother and our friend E talk about the waitress helping the tables behind us talking about how they were wishing she was helping us. I on the other hand was enjoying our waiter, very cute, friendly and just down right yummy. I even covertly was flirting with him unbeknowest to my brother and E, or maybe they knew but thought I was being funny. lol. He was leaning down asking me what I wanted to drink and I told him I am what I drink and ordered a drink called the "Big & Easy" (sometimes I swear I crack myself up) he kind of paused and looked at me and giggled a little and said "Sounds good, be back in a bit" It was fun. :

Transitions

I sit here after I left a party of the person people think I am and find myself in the facebook world of what once was as I head into the world of what I am now (if that makes ANY sense at all) and wonder, where will it end? A friend of mine from college who has no idea about who I really am, well that's not really the case, he knows "who" I am, but doesn't know I'm gay found me on facebook. While this isn't really a problem or concern, he's one of the people that will be part of the merging worlds in a couple of weeks. I often thought guy was crazy for being so worried about worlds colliding back a few years ago when Bethany I formed a friendship that was guided by God (being only slightly overdramatic) but I'm suddenly realizing for different reasons why it's so strange, weird and chaotic. While I love the idea of my friends from past and present meeting eachother I worry about the out come. Not because one is better than another, but that the

Sunday nights

I really don't think I could ever watch my Sunday night shows with everyone and let them see me cry week after week, after week. Damn those writers of Brother's and Sister's, they know how to get to me week after week. lol. I had planned on doing things after work, visiting my brother, some housework, etc... but by the time my dang photos uploaded onto facebook the night was nearly over so I haven't really moved. I caught up on my shows and watched the new ones and then went and dried the tears....arg. I wish I had more to write, but just not feeling it today. It was such a good day, everything went well, everyone got along, I almost wish I had left the house to see just how good anything else could have gone lol. But here I am, sitting in front of the computer. I did however manage to put my flannel sheets on my bed and sadly put the electric blanket on my bed because the last few nights have just been too cold, and it was either the electric blanket or the furnace

Past coming back to haunt me.

It's nothing really major, it's more or less thoughts and behaviors of the past haunting me and I'm not sure how to get past it. It seems every week God brings something to my attention and as the weeks go by it's becoming so overwhelming to realize how much is wrong inside of me! So here's the story. So today I was unfortunately placed on front register for supper rush. I don't like front register in this store. In the old store the counter was taller and hid more of my body and I felt less self conscious and enjoyed the customers. In the new store the counter is lower and smaller and I am closer to the customer and more exposed and it's unnerving for me. But I had had a fairly decent day up unto this point so I didn't have a melt down or anything lol. I had served a fairly large amount of people and it slowed down and people were coming up for refills. One particular handsome young man, about the age I would say about 25 or so came up for a refill.