Sunday, July 27, 2008

Myspace blog

July 2008
The bad economy has been making itself evident in sales. Things are tight and the building is having issues.

We are working on having the roof repaired this fall, it's expensive, but will allow me to finish the projects inside, and hopefully transform the space finally.

We are down to some major projects, but we are having to take them one by one until the roof is fixed and I find more money.

The most recent addition to the store, well at least part of the store for now is Central Air!!! After this next week we will be cooling the store finally after about 100 years, it will be nice and I think the customers will appreciate it, if not, at least I know I will be! ;)

We are still working towards a big open house this winter, but it will depend on what we can get finished in the store. We are hoping to rejuvinate it before christmas, it would be a nice change.

There are big plans, but unless we find more customers I'm not sure how much we'll get done. So come on in and shop!

Our deli beats everyone in town by approx. $2-$4/ lb. in pricing. Come check it out, our Beer is at State minimum pricing so there is great finds there too!

That's all really, we're just preping for the fair, only two more weeks and it will be here, be sure to stop in and check us out!

Monday, July 21, 2008

pyscological or real?

So I've been a very grumpy person the last week or so, and I'm starting to wonder:

Is the frame of mind, just that? A frame of mind? Is it possible to completely reverse your mood without the addition of alcohol or medicine? I've come to grips with my anxiety disorder, that it truly is a chemical thing, but the depression I've been suffering as of late, is that just me not allowing myself to get out of it? Do I find it easier to just wallow in it instead of fighting it and burying it deep inside? I just don't know.

I meet happy and cheery people throughout the day and I wonder, are they like that all the time? If there life is falling apart at the seems, do they react? Or do they bury it to deal with when they are alone? I find it hard to do that. I pretty much will wear most of my heart on my sleeve, when I'm sad you can tell, when I'm happy you can tell, and so on and so forth. I try to not bottle too much in because I did that for so many years I found it to be unhealthy. But can a person come to a point where they get tired of being depressed all the time, or pissed off or filled with rage that they can turn that inside out and portray happiness? And another question, Is it healthy if the other party does not realize how they are being?

If I could find a way to focus on anything other than what I have I would do it. Is there a course in how to hide what's going on and just be chipper? I hate to lie to my customers, if they as how things are going I tell them: Not good. I don't want them to think that things are hunky dory, and then one day I'm closed and no one has any idea why, I want people to know that if they don't support me, they'll lose me. I have tried to get through to people to find out what they want in the store, but no one ever answers me. They love to talk about it at the local breakfast hang out and pretend they know more than the guy sitting next to them.

I just feel like I can't get any lower, and then my sister come's in this weekend to do the books and makes a statement that took me off guard. She says:
"You know this week I realized something....I am the same age you were when bought the store....I'm going to be 28 living with my parents and do nothing, while you were 28, just left a great paying shitty job, you own and operate your own business and are always out finding something to do, how sad does that make me look?"

I guess I never really think about it like that. It made me look at it from some other point of view, but at the same time I don't ever think like that. I think everyone has their own paths, and everyone is comfortable doing something different. I have friends that went to college and loved it and are doing well because of it, and I have friends that didn't leave and are living a good life. I don't see one as better than the other, I just feel everyone does their own thing. I don't feel like owning my own business is much to think about when I'm doing worse now than I was in my good paying shitty job in Michigan. I just have a hard time seeing it as anything but what it is, a failure that I can't seem to get unraveled from. Free has stated several times that even if it doesn't work out, at least I tried. I have a hard time seeing it that way as it seems every major decision I have made has turned out bad.

I've been trying to see it more as constant adventure, and as much as I tell myself I fear big change, there's a part of me that lives for it. Moving to new cities, making new friends, trying new careers. Perhaps this is the journey I needed to take in order to figure out where I should be and what I should be doing. Is it society telling me I'm too old not to know right now? Or am I really at the age I should be settling down? I just don't know.

The store is just constant problems it seems, every time I think it's going well some other three things go wrong that put me into a downward spiral that never feels like it can be reversed. I'm tired of bitching, I really am, and yet most days that's all that comes out when I open my mouth! I either need more sun, or maybe new meds. :)

But these are the tings running through my head as of late, so I thouht I would share them with you, I know, try to hold back the excitment.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So I think my brother knows. I think he figured it out. It's a long drawn out story dealing with download managers and other computer functions (not porn you pervs), but the bottom line is, I couldn't deny it if he confronted me. He just kind of came upon it by accident, didn't say a word, just closed it and changed the subject from computers to something stupid.

I'm not sure how he's dealing with it, or if he's still in denial.

I'm so not ready for this.

I'll let him come to me.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Mr. Mustache

I'll be borrowing the format from Bethany's blog for this entry as it's the best way to get this point across.

Dear Mr. Mustache,

It is unnecesary to call me brother or man, or dude when speaking to me. Your dark sunglasses worn inside the building only frame your GIANT mustache and make me laugh even harder on the inside. The fact that you never once use the words please and thank you make me sad and angry all at the same time. The fact that you pulled up doing a smooth 45 mph cutting off two cars to take up three parking spots in my parking lot was not a good way to set our meeting off to a good start. I have met your kind before, the "I have four dollars to my name, but I want to sample everything you have in your deli so I don't have to make supper tonight" people. I have met you before and done battle with you before. If you want more than a sliver of a taste, you should pay for it. Those retro sunglasses you seem so fond of must have cost at least $3.00 at the local Dollar Tree, are you telling me you can't afford $1.25 of summer sausage. Your quip about how it would be nice if I had the summer sausage unpacked so you could sample it does not make me feel guilty. Your tricks are no good here, you would not have purchased any anyway, so I feel no loss as you leave with an empty stomach. I myself have no money and I'm not about to give handouts to people that will never return.

And while we are at it, why do you ask if the sandwich spread was made fresh this morning..could you tell me differently if I lied? Is your pallet so in tune with month old frozen meat that you can distinguish the sandwich spread production dates? Would you believe me if I told you I made it last week? Or did you really believe me when I said I made it just this morning? How would you know the difference?

So you can take your submissive wife, your fading blue Chrysler and your HUGE mustache and just walk your way out of my store and my life for good. Leave the mustaches to the pros in the 70's, because you sir, can not pull it off.


I just thought I should clarify that I don't really need a church body to accept me for who I am, but rather just not condemn me for who I am.

I respect people that don't understand but don't condemn because they aren't for sure, I have problems with people that don't understand and refuse to even think it might be o.k in the end.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the statements in the last blog about searching for a church family.

that is all.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

A realization

So I went to a church out of town today. I have been to this church once before and enjoyed it and this time was a little more comfortable for me, but there was still a distance I kept, and it bothered me. These are wonderful and loving people and they are down to earth and just generally happy people to meet you! I couldn't understand this cynical part of me that was keeping me at a distance from embracing these people more, it wasn't until I was thinking it through on my long drive home this evening that it dawned on me.

I listen to these people talk about their young families, they are all so young and have very young and growing families, which didn't bother me. What bothered me was the thought I have in many churches I visit....."What would change once these people found out I was gay, would I be comfortable bringing a boyfriend there?" I find it so hard to get comfortable in a church until I know where they stand on homosexuality. I could not sit make a church my church home without knowing how others are going to view who I am. I'm not sure how to deal with that, or what I'm looking for, but I know it's a problem amongst gay Christians.

I'm not saying it would be my church home in the future if the future goes as I think it's going, but I'm not saying it wouldn't be either. There are large issues before me to takle.

Today driving home is also the time I have decided to call it quits on the business. It is dragging me down so far and so fast I'm not sure how long I would be able to ride it. I can't put a timeline on the changes before me, but I know where I'm headed.

The plan you ask? I'm going to sell the business and if work is available, I'll be moving a few hours south. I've always liked it there, and there are just more than one reason to move down there.
For one, I have a small network of people already down there, people I've known for quite sometime live down there and have made it their home.
For two: It is a larger city, a place I can really allow myself to be me, a more comfortable and open minded place I can be who I am with less harmful judgment than I would receive here. I think it would be better for the development of my personal life.
For Three: There are more professional opportunities in a larger city for my profession, there is still growth there, and people are generally happy there.
For Four: I miss the city, but I like rural areas....this place has both. There are a few things it's missing, but that may be because I haven't spent enough time there.

I'm not sure about the timing, but things are falling into place mentally, like doors are being opened, so I have decided to edge myself in that direction. I have to concentrate first on finding the best way to put the business on the market, and then I can work out the details. I just think overall it is the best decision for my life. There are things I'm going to miss like crazy from here, but very few. the few things that I will miss are rather large, but I have to do things for me, I have to make the decisions that are best for my life and my future.

It hasn't been an easy decision, I've been battling with it for quite sometime, but I think after a weekend of clearing my head, I've made a clear decision.

What a clear minded weekend!

Oh I just had such a wonderful weekend!!

Things finally fell into place early this past week that allowed me to go to Cinci. for the weekend, I never thought I'd make there after everything that has happened with my car and store, I just never thought I'd make it down there, but I did. Things just fell into place so I knew it was meant to happen. The help came through (and did an awesome job I might add....10 hours and only two phone calls, how great!) and my car, people were worried, but it got over 30 mpg, so one tank of gas got me down there, back and will be enough to get back an forth to Wendy's this week, which is good because it cost me a fortune to fill up!

Friday Bethany and I caught up, caused some rumors in her complex because we were out at her car blowing up an air matress ontop of the car! It was hilarious as always. But we caught up and chilled for a bit, she was exhausted, she's had a VERY long couple of weeks, so then she crashed and I drifted off to a peaceful and relaxing sleep watching t.v. Saturday morning we slept in and ran some errands she had to run, which I must say, errands are ALWAYS more fun with company, especially when the two of us get together! We just create more inside jokes that will last for years to come. ;) "Jeeves! Get me my supper!" "My name is Mike.." "Jeeves, I don't pay you talk back to me!" SNORT! Good times good times.

Saturday night we met up with tony and his new girlfriend, well new to me anyway! We went to dinner at this little hole in the wall Greek place with a great gyro that ranks in my top five! It was good! Then we ended the evening with some beers and Yatzee! I did my best on the last game, but Sarah was just too good, she won 2 out of 3 games, with bethany showing us how it was done on the first game. It was a winning night for the ladies. Then Bethany and I got soaked leaving. Seems I was so worried about storms happening up here at the store, when the didn't even hit here, they hit us down there!!! That's just weird! :) Then we went back and played some more super mario brothers and then she crashed and I spent some quality time swearing at Mario on my own. I forget how much I love that game!

Sunday we went to church, which being my second time there was much more comfortable, I knew what to expect, I knew a few of the people, and it was just more relaxed this time around, I enjoyed it. Then more Mario and then Tony joined us for a picnic at the Metro Park, it was great. It was such a beautiful day, you couldn't ask for better weather for a great picnic! Then Bethany and I drove around checking out houses on her list, I think we found one that she's pretty excited about, and found some pretty high priced ones that were SO not worth what they were asking. I mean seriously, the one was a nice house, but the street went through a strip mall, not along side, seriously THROUGH the strip mall and was surrounded by commercial property, it was not good. But the one she found is really nice, I can't wait to hear more about it.

The drive home today was filled with moments of clarity. It was then that I figured out my new direction, the direction I need to be headed. I can't assign it a timeline as there are many things out of my control, but I know the direction I'm headed. I spent over an hour with my parents tonight talking about the conclusions I've come to as of late and they are in full support and I think are a bit excited. I'm a little freaked out, but it is a good decision based on clear thoughts. After I figure out more and things are a little more concrete I'll fill ya in, but for now it will have to remain a mystery. I forgot just how clearing a 3 hour drive can be. I actually feel hopeful again, and look forward to the future again.

Well I came up with a few more blog topics on my way home, but don't have the time before bed to get them out, and tomorrow I'll probably forget about them, but maybe not. Well that's all!!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

general updates

So here's just a run down of things of lately, because there is just too much. I signed my contract with AFLAC yesterday to be an independent agent of their products, by Monday all the paperwork will be complete and I can start making money. Yeah!

The truck I went and looked at a P.O.S., I was very disappointed, and pissed when I realized my car was dead. My car needed a new battery, a new alternator, and as of yesterday new brakes for the back. I'm sunk WAY too much money into this things lately, and the transmission is still broke. ARG. I continue my search for the right inexpensive truck.

I've been rather grouchy lately, well lets face it, I've been a prick to a ton of people lately, so I haven't blogged, I didn't think everyone needed to see that side of me, although the closer you get the more likely that is to happen.

But good things are coming, I'm starting to feel it, maybe not always with the business, but me. This weekend everything FINALLY fell into place for a trip out of town. I finally am taking a Saturday off, I really can't afford it, but I also can't afford not to, you know? So I'll be headed down to Cinci on Friday night for a fun filled weekend with TB and Tony! Woot! It's gonna be a blast! Oh I can't wait to hit the road.

I'm sure there are things I need to say, but right now I'm not focused, so I'll have to blog again later sometime, I just wanted to give some brief updates.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Things are strange

I haven't blogged in a bit because last week was just a roller coaster of emotion, I really should be medicated I think. I couldn't bring myself to blog because it was nothing but negative, I was surrounded all week by negative energy, and I'm starting to feel like I've gotten the shell cracked and am hopefully going to break through it and get through it.

A topic was sparked in my brain because of the blog I read on Picture Perfect, sometime I'll have to link to all these blogs I read, I always find them interesting. But the poster was talking about his most recent coming out, to a cousin of his. It's not the story, or coming out that triggered any of it, but it was his discussion about how he didn't feel any better afterwards. There were also a couple of comments people left that stuck in my mind. I guess I hope I never experience that. The people that I've come out to have handled it well and the experience has been a weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes there are a couple I feel awkward about it with and I'm not sure why, but the feeling I can relate to is for some reason feeling ashamed.

One of the comments left at PP was asking about why it's such a big deal to tell people, straight people don't have to announce to their families that they are attracted to the opposite sex, but I guess society has a lot to do with that. You only have to announce things when you go "against the grain of society" I guess, whatever that means. But what I noticed the other day after I told C that I was gay was I felt ashamed, like I didn't want to discuss it loudly because her son was in the other room, and I didn't want him to know. As I drove home that night I was wondering why I feel that way, why can't I just say it and feel better and not have to worry. Why I wonder? Oh yeah, it's the 30 years of suppression and secrets, I guess that is hard to get over and get through.

I guess it's the stigma that goes along with being gay. Sometimes I think they look at me waiting for me to throw sparkles in my hair, speak with a lisp and go to the disco. That is a ton of old stereo types still floating around in my head haunting me, but I do wonder sometimes if that has changed how they look at me, or how they think of me. My coming out to C was no great production, I had been trying to find a time to tell her, but nothing seemed right, so when I was over there the other night and under the influence I just came out and said it. I figured she knew, she lives with F and honestly, she can read me better than most. I did enjoy making some comments I've always wanted to say and I think she's getting a kick out of them. It's nice to be able to say things I usually say in my head, it makes making conversation easier. It's not that I have huge problems holding a good conversation, but there are times when I get lost in my head because there are things I'm saying.....just not out loud. Some would call me a freak. ;)

So my "coming out" score card tallied so far is 5 people. How sad, and yet just telling those 5 people has lightened the load on my shoulders, granted it only made room for other stuff, but it cleared it for a little while at least. I'm not sure what will happen in the future, most days I don't know whats happening while it's happening! I just sometimes sit with the people around me and wonder what it would be like if they knew, if they would act differently.

The other thing I ponder is why is this such a huge deal? Why do people care that much? They didn't seem to care at all when I dated women. For some reason guys are just so paranoid that if they are around a gay person that they are just so hot that any man would jump their bones, when really some of the guys that worry, really have NOTHING to worry about. When will they understand that if you're straight it doesn't effect you at all, if you're curious yourself, it's more about you scared of temptation. That's why I laugh about some of it, I think many of these guys are homophobic because they are afraid of themselves, oh well. If you're not into men, why would I chase after you?

Wow, my mind is so random at times, it's no wonder I don't feel like I write a good blog, I can't seem to focus on one issue at a time, but oh well, this is my blog. Don't like? Don't read it. ;)

Anyway, guess I don't have any else left on my mind, guess I'll end it......the blog that is.