Sunday, July 13, 2008

A realization

So I went to a church out of town today. I have been to this church once before and enjoyed it and this time was a little more comfortable for me, but there was still a distance I kept, and it bothered me. These are wonderful and loving people and they are down to earth and just generally happy people to meet you! I couldn't understand this cynical part of me that was keeping me at a distance from embracing these people more, it wasn't until I was thinking it through on my long drive home this evening that it dawned on me.

I listen to these people talk about their young families, they are all so young and have very young and growing families, which didn't bother me. What bothered me was the thought I have in many churches I visit....."What would change once these people found out I was gay, would I be comfortable bringing a boyfriend there?" I find it so hard to get comfortable in a church until I know where they stand on homosexuality. I could not sit make a church my church home without knowing how others are going to view who I am. I'm not sure how to deal with that, or what I'm looking for, but I know it's a problem amongst gay Christians.

I'm not saying it would be my church home in the future if the future goes as I think it's going, but I'm not saying it wouldn't be either. There are large issues before me to takle.

Today driving home is also the time I have decided to call it quits on the business. It is dragging me down so far and so fast I'm not sure how long I would be able to ride it. I can't put a timeline on the changes before me, but I know where I'm headed.

The plan you ask? I'm going to sell the business and if work is available, I'll be moving a few hours south. I've always liked it there, and there are just more than one reason to move down there.
For one, I have a small network of people already down there, people I've known for quite sometime live down there and have made it their home.
For two: It is a larger city, a place I can really allow myself to be me, a more comfortable and open minded place I can be who I am with less harmful judgment than I would receive here. I think it would be better for the development of my personal life.
For Three: There are more professional opportunities in a larger city for my profession, there is still growth there, and people are generally happy there.
For Four: I miss the city, but I like rural areas....this place has both. There are a few things it's missing, but that may be because I haven't spent enough time there.

I'm not sure about the timing, but things are falling into place mentally, like doors are being opened, so I have decided to edge myself in that direction. I have to concentrate first on finding the best way to put the business on the market, and then I can work out the details. I just think overall it is the best decision for my life. There are things I'm going to miss like crazy from here, but very few. the few things that I will miss are rather large, but I have to do things for me, I have to make the decisions that are best for my life and my future.

It hasn't been an easy decision, I've been battling with it for quite sometime, but I think after a weekend of clearing my head, I've made a clear decision.

1 comment:

  1. decisions like this are always so difficult. i'm contemplating one of my own lately. i'll update you on the other site.

    it's good to hear that you are making the choice for YOU so YOU can be healthy and happy. emotional roller coaster is no way to live.

    only 3 hours away is still ok too. it's not too bad to visit on a weekend if you wanna see someone -friend or relative.