Friday, November 28, 2008

I just don't know.

I was at Thanksgiving last night talking to my cousin and listening to him tell me about how he and his wife decided one night that they had enough of debt and made a plan. In less than a year they have managed to pay everything off. They managed to pay off both student loans in less a year....less.than.a.year. How is that possible? I have been hearing more and more stories about people paying down their debt so fast, all I know is that it takes discipline.

I'm really curious how this all works. I look everyday at the tower that is my bills and wonder how I can pay these down. I don't make minimum payments except when it comes to the mortgage and commercial loan I have, and there are monthly bills that don't get paid down just paid off every month like utilities, but how do I pay down my student loans? I couldn't even afford the minimum payments and have had to take out a deferment again for another 10 months. Other than that I have a credit card for the business that has a low balance and a line of credit for the business that's kind of high, but not too crazy.

My cousin doesn't make a fortune, his wife is not well to do, they rent a house and have a nice car. How is it that they have managed to do this? How does anyone do it? I hardly ever spend money on anything, I have clothes filled with holes, I have a crappy car that has been paid off for several years now, and yet I can't seem to manage to get ahead. How is this? I don't eat out, I don't travel all that much, and when I do I travel cheap. I just wonder how I can get ahead. I've seen it done, I know it's possible, but how?

Just something that I've been pondering today....too much time on my hands right now.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to take a moment and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Take a moment to remember what it is you're thankful for this year.

And then watch the video and laugh.

Have a great day everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving

I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I'm thankful I'm still in business, it's been a better year, but still rough. I'm looking forward to find out where I'll be this time next year.

I'm also thankful for friends. This past year I've lost a few more, well forced out is more like it. But I've really learned what real friends are and how I should be treated, and how I should treat others. In real life and on the internet, I have made some wonderful friends this year, and I'm thankful for you all.

I'm thankful for my family. We've gone through some rough patches this year with each other, but we are stronger for it. I love them all.

I'm thankful for the election being over. Just glad it's done, now we can move on to fixing what's wrong.

It may sound corny, but I'm thankful for this blog. This blog has helped me this year sort through things and get feedback on some stuff as well. It's been quite a self learning year. I have figured out more about myself than I have in the 30 years prior. I'm able to talk about more, and with more people. I'm not sure I could have survived this year had I not opened up to you guys.

Thank you.

I'm also thankful for videos like this, because they keep me laughing. :)

Oh Christmas

I've been considering not decorating my house this year. Each year seems to be less and less because of the hassle that is my house. In order to put my tree up this year it will require moving my computer and a couple of other pieces of furniture out of my living room and into the storage room that is my dining room. I've been thinking I should take all of my decorations and really do up the store this year, it is where I spend a majority of my time anyway. I just don't know what it will be like to not sit by the light of the Christmas tree at night at my house, but then again I'm not going to have a lot of time to sit by the tree again this year, so will it really matter?

I could really concentrate on the store then, I can put together something really nice for a change in there. Yes, I think that's what I'm going to do, no one sees it in my house anyway.

Thanks for helping me decide.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Things I need to learn.

1. How to say no. This includes employers as well as coworkers.

2. Stop taking everything so damn personally. The entire world is not about me, sometimes it's about other people.....sometimes.

3. Not every friend I've had for years is still worth the time or effort. Being a friend of convenience is not something I care to be.

4. number 3 repeated because it's worth repeating over and over.

5. When making dishes, be sure to have all the ingredients on hand.

6. Getting more sleep would be valuable to my mind, body and soul.

7. Friends aren't always going to get along, and the ones that can't play nice aren't really your friends.

8. When planning something, always expect the unexpected.

9. Doing things out of guilt never turns out good.

10. I can't save the world, and I can't always fix everything.

11. I shouldn't rely so much on lists.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Wow, I need to be more conscious about what blog I'm logged into when I put
up a post, I had this posted for a very short time on my other blog. That
could have thrust me into some very uncomfortable situations. Yikes!

So I've been catching up on a few blogs I found and was getting all worked up about the many protests out there about prop. 8 still going on and some of the commentaries out there where they refer to me as "these people", or telling me the only way to salvation is to wake up and leave my sinful lifestyle. But you know what? I stopped being angry after reading more and more and more because I've started to feel sorry for these people.

I started to feel sorry for them because they will never know some of the people I know, they will never be truly loving people, they will never get across the idea that God loves all. They are fighting the fight of the centuries, trying to spread the word of God, teaching love and respect, and yet they are turning their backs on an entire community of people, how can this be? How can you preach about love and acceptance and then tell a community of people that this excludes them, unless the change who they are?

Even after everything I've read, all the interviews I've watched, my heart goes out to these people. I hope that someday they are awakened on the idea of practice what you preach. I hope they find a way to open their hearts and their minds to accept everyone, to really understand God's love like many of the people I know understand it. I know that God loves me, he loves me because he made me who I am, just as much as he loves the next person.

The idea that these Christians would openly accept and love a convicted serial killer if he announced that he accepted Jesus, but would turn their backs on a homosexual that practices Christianity, is just beyond me. I can't follow it and I don't understand it. I really hope that these people start to wake up and understand that we are people too. Why would God go to so much trouble to making us all different if he wanted us to all be the same? (a stolen movie quote).

I have friends that believe all sorts of different things. I have friends that believe I am the work of Satan and will destroy life as we know it because I want to kiss other men. I have removed those people from my life. There are people who are accepting and loving and agree with the ideas I have, and those are great friends, there are friends I have that refuse to even talk about it, but don't treat me any different than they did be perfectly honest I am conflicted about these people. It's so hard to explain, but the more I think about it the more I think I can understand. While they may not agree with everything I do, or everything I say, they love me and wouldn't condemn me for these things. How can I argue with that?

I really don't know what I'm writing anymore, just gibberish I think, because my mind is turning to mush. lol. It happens when I over think things, or over analyze things.

I had lunch with a good friend of mine yesterday, I haven't seen this friend in several months now so it was good to catch up. I have considered coming out to this person for awhile now, but was never quite sure how it would go. I figured it would be o.k., she's a liberal but I wasn't sure about her husband. Well last night they showed me pictures of the wedding they flew to L.A. for, it was a lesbian wedding. How could they not be alright about it? lol. The conversation never really came around to bringing it up, so I didn't, but I know that next time we talk I can just slide it into the conversation and not worry about it.

I think I worry to much, perhaps that why I haven't been sleeping well at night for some time now. Maybe I'm worrying in my sleep and causing me lots of restless nights. Great, now I'm worried about worrying.

I'm quitting now, I swear.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Confidence and love

In my 31 years of life, 28 1/2 of those being single, I watch couples, I watch interactions between people, and I observe. I observe so many things, I can usually tell when a couple is fighting, but not wanting to people to know, I know when the marriage is in trouble, or when the relationship is on the rocks, I can see happiness, and I can sense love. Maybe I've been fooling myself over these past many years as an adult, but I have yet to be proven wrong with my intuition. I may not be able to give love advice, but I feel I can certainly tell when things are as they should be, or when things aren't as they seem.

What I wanted to post about tonight is the people I've been encountering lately. Confident couples. Couples so secure and confident in who they are and who they know the other to be that there is no mystery, there is nothing but love. Yes, they have their squables, what human doesn't have a squable. What I admire most is the lack of back stabbing, they don't say anything to me they wouldn't say infront of each other, I find that so admirable. Each so confident in who they are, it's a love me or leave me situation. When two people can do that, I find it so comforting.

I often find myself sitting back and wondering what that's like. To be who you are, confident in the person you are, that you are free to be everything you are with someone, and being loved for it. And to know that the person you share a bed with is so confident in who they are that there are no trust issues, there is no jealousy, there is no worry. I find it so hopeful. I never used to until recently when I started paying attention to how many of these people I know. What I find amazing is they make the best friends as well.

I'm falling in love with confidence, and I wonder how can I get some of that? I find myself constantly second guessing everything I am and everything I do. I find myself paranoid constantly if I'm talking to much, am I revealing too much, have I over stayed my welcome, am I talking enough, are the questions I ask smart enough, am I respectful enough, am I doing my share? I am constantly questioning everything in my head, I don't boast because I'm not even confident in my own abilities to even brag about anything. To even take credit for something I've done, or even take a compliment on a job well done.

I sat there tonight watching this interaction between two people, he wasn't jealous that I spent the afternoon alone with his wife, he was confident that she loved him. She didn't flip out when he wanted to take me for a spin in his new car, because she's confident enough to know that he would never bad mouth her to anyone but her.

So it may beg the question, but is confidence the key to a successful relationship? Can two people be truely happy without it? If we were all a little more confident in who we were and what we were capable of, would life be that much better? Would the 31 year old single guy find himself less single? I think so. I'm not saying single is bad because it's in this time I have observed good relationships, bad relationships and I sit observing with my invisible pencil and pad taking notes on the does and don'ts of love and more importantly I'm learning more about myself, good bad and indifferent, and trying to sort it out to change what I want to change and become confident in the things I won't.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I just watched this

I just watched this and really listened to the speech and really like it.

Enough that I'm trying to post another video, and that ain't easy.

O.K. maybe it was easier than I thought. lol.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Well it's been awhile since I've done some updates, so here we go!

The front portion of the roof has not been started yet. The weather has put a temporary stop to that, now I have to go and reprice everything and see what can get done this year, I'm hoping to still squeeze everything in, but it will depend on the help I get. The part of the roof that I had rebuilt is wonderful, huge rainstorms last week and for the first time in 25 years, the grocery department was dry as a bone. I was so happy I considered doing a cart wheel, but I remembered I can't do those, so I didn't. lol.

Fiddler on the roof was fantastic! The orchestra wasn't all that great, but the kids did an amazing job. How said that I'm calling 21 year olds kids. I just love Fiddler on the roof, I mean you get to watch this jewish family start to transition and think differently. In one of the last scenes when daughter #3 comes back to say good bye to Tevia and the family even though they had disowned her for running off and marrying a man outside of the faith, they still loved her enough to say good bye. I just love that show, there's so much there and the music is terrific! Talk about dissonance!! You get a score with 6 flats for three measures and then switches over to 6 sharps, it's just awesome!! (to listen to, not so much to play).

My brother has been working hard on trying to finish the new deli, we have some work ahead of us, but it's all good. We got the inside of it all done, we just have to replace the ceiling panels on the outside before we can progress any further into finishing. We also have some tile work to do, three major project yet, and it will all be done. I'm not sure what I'll do when it's done, but I'm sure I'll think of something.

I'm not sure what all is happening this weekend, I know I work on usual, blech. But I'm hoping to do something Friday night, and Sunday I'm meeting an old friend for lunch, yeah!

But there you go, all updated and stuff. LOL.

Sorry folks!

I just want to appologize for the last few posts, I posted after long days and every seems more dramatic at night. By the next morning I'm like "whatever, I'm fine" ;)

The whole Ian thing, it really only affects me when I'm around him, after we part ways I'm fine. I know nothing will ever happen, and that's fine, he's straight, it's o.k. not every body can be perfect. lol.

As far as Joe, that's fine too. I could totally see a lack of self esteem in his eyes, in fact many times when I look at him I see myself. That too will prove to go no where, and I'm really o.k. I guess it's more just testing out my flirting technique's and realizing I'm not the social reject I once thought, a little socially slow maybe. lol.

I just get more and more dramatic in the evenings, I always have. By the time I sleep on it and wake up I can typically put things into perspective. I wouldn't allow myself to post at night, but sometimes it's good and really it's the best time I have to get a thought out of my head uninterrupted.

I really couldn't see myself going out with anyone around here anyway, always nervous someone would see, or someone would say something before I told my parents, it's just not a good thing. I'm pretty sure my brother has figured things out this year, and I'm 90% sure my sister has known for a long time, but I'm still not ready to tell them myself, someday, but not today.

I get into moods, sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's hormones, and sometimes it's because the closet is so confining at times. It's true that once you open the door a little bit, it gets more difficult to close it again, it becomes very claustrophobic. I'm dealing with it, and really I have too much on my plate at the moment to take care of before I start adding someone else in the mix. Until the day comes I'll just practice up on getting comfortable with myself and my shameless flirting with cute boys. lol.

I do appreciate the thoughts, the worries, the comments (I LOVE the comments from you all...aka I'm a comment whore), and all the uplifting words, but I'm o.k., I really am. :)

I'm a survivor. No, not like that crappy realty show with the cute host, but a real survivor. Whatever gets thrown at me, God always helps me wade through it and come out on the other side just fine, sometimes better than before I started. :)

That's all. :) Thanks everyone!!

He's coming back.

I saw him tonight. I was flooded with emotions. He's still cute, in a rugged way now with his mountain man beard. I nearly shook him out of my head, but that smile, those eyes, they drew me back.

Then he tells me he's coming back to work. I'm excited and yet I know what will happen, my obsession will return in full force.

The hug sealed the deal.

I've missed him.

Joe came in the store today for the first time ever. Flirted again and learned more about him. We'd make such a good couple. lol.

I need to get out of here.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Am I really that bad?

O.K. so last night I met Joe. Joe is a really nice guy, stocky build, but cute as all get out. The gaydar was flying off the handle and for once I flirted. Not obvious in your face flirting, but enough that a certain someone made a comment about it, but not enough for the oblivious straight guys to notice, and nothing, no reaction, nothing.

Am I a bad flirt? Was he not interested, or was he just oblivious to it as well? There was time to make a comment away from heteroworld, time to tell me to back off or not interested, or something. I realize it's not the most convenient place to flirt or to respond, but I always instantly revert back to my stand by "he's not interested, I'm ugly, I'm too fat, blah blah blah"

Or am I oblivious to the flirting, could he have been flirting with me and I didn't notice? I am also pretty oblivious to it. But I think the other certain someone with me would have commented on it.

He was just so cute, caring and funny. He had a sway in his walk I enjoyed, and was just too damn cute, did I say that already? Not saying it would have led to happy ever after, but for once, once I put myself out there a bit and didn't feel like a social reject....well until now apparently. lol.

It felt good to take that step, to talk to someone I didn't know, to try to let them know I was interested.....and I was sober. Why am I still trapped in this land of heterosexuality? Where everyone is afraid to say what they mean and who they really are for fear of being found out? How am I still here? The timing in my life sucks bad.

But I tried.

It's a step.

And I'm only torturing myself a little.

I'll get there.


Don't you get it?

I just can't understand why people don't understand how badly they disrespect others when they have been asked countless times not to do something, and then just do it anyway, time after time again. How many times must you be told? Are they really disrespecting me or do they just not care? Or do they just not think?

I just wish they could live in my shoes for ONE day, just once to deal with the problems that their disrespect causes me, and deal with thinking of the potential HUGE financial difficulty they could cause me.

All in the name of tobbaco? I mean really, I'm a smoker, I understand the need. But you can't just light up where ever and when ever you feel like it. Not when you're here, not when you're INSIDE my building that already has a warning against it. One complaint and it's a $500 fine, who's going to pay it? Your nicotine fit is really not worth it to me. Get your ass outside, or in the areas I've told you about thousands upon thousands of times. I spend 11 hours a day here and don't seem to have a problem not smoking where it's not allowed by law, and yet you're here for 10 minutes and can't seem to face the reality of the situation.

"It won't happen to you" Really? It already has, must I hang the warning letter up to be a constant reminder to you what this could do to me? Can you seriously not go 15 minutes without lighting a damn cigarette? I'm a pack a day smoker and I can deal with it, I can handle it. Why must you just walk all over me and use this place as if you pay the bills? I have asked, commented, demanded that you not smoke in those areas, how many times must you be warned? I don't even want to hear you complain about kids not listening, it's where they get it from!!!!

What are you going to do when I'm no longer here? When you're little hide-out aka hang out is no longer available? Will you look back and remember how great you had it when you drove me insane? Will you think about how glad I'll be to be rid of it all and not have to deal with this shit anymore? Yes, you have treated me like family when I'm at your home, but this is different, this is not just my home, this is my business and you may as well just piss on the front door for all the respect that you have shown it.

How much grace can I show you for such a simple request? Why must there be smokers who think the world is theirs? We as smokers have to share this world, and abide by laws that cost the owner money!!! It's no wonder why people hate smokers so much, it's because of smokers like you who just don't get it, who don't understand common courtesy, to even your fellow smokers!

I pride myself on being the most respectful smoker I can be. If I'm asked not to smoke somewhere, I don't....EVER, it's just a sign of respect.

There, enough of that rant, I needed to get it out of my system and this is the only place it won't cause world war 3 in my life.

When will I learn to stand up for myself?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Love vs. Lust

I'm amazed how many times how quickly I confuse the two. I get so engrossed on how someone looks, and they are not always the GQ type, many times it's a guy I know that I become so fixated on the qualities. The humor, the sensitivity, and just the overall sense of his character, and I find myself longing for more. For a kiss, to run my fingers through his hair, to rub his shoulders, to be next to him. I seem to commonly make the mistake, or do I?

I guess never really feeling the love I think I know just makes it confusing. From 25 feet tonight I watched him, I've watched him for some time now, he's such a good person, and I want to treat him like he deserves to be treated. But damn, they are always straight. Why do I constantly do this to myself?

The other thing I wondered about tonight? Why is it that musicals and powerful music brings tears to my eyes? A good marching band show could have me in tears if I let it, a great musical will do the same thing, a symphony? forget about it! I just can't understand it. Is it something just bursting out of my mind? Why can't I control it?

So many other things on my mind, but I'm too tired tonight to get into them, it's off to bed for now. :)

Friday, November 14, 2008

If I were a rich man...

Tonight I get to go see a couple members of my family perform Fiddler on the Roof at Defiance College. I'm just so excited, I haven't seen Fiddler on the Roof in quite sometime and ranks pretty high on my favorite musicals list.

I haven't gotten to see much in a while, so I'm pretty excited to go.

More on all that later. :)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I'm losing my mind.

You know, my body has been so tired and has been trying to speak to me about my schedule, but I haven't been listening. I told it to quit whining and get over it, it's been like this for three years, and it's not changing in the near future. But I started to watch myself, time myself and just start watching things that have changed over the last six months or so. And you know what I realized? My friends need jobs.

I love them all so dearly, and while I am so happy I've created a comfortable environment for everyone, it is seriously effecting my working time. So I've noticed in the last two weeks since the time change really, that I have been inundated by people all day, so much to the point I'm not getting anything accomplished.

Today it started at 8:30am, R came in to tell me about a truck and stuck around and visited. By 9:30am R left and G walked in not more than minute later to talk and visit. By 10:30am G was leaving and and M&J came in, I haven't seen J in awhile so I didn't mind that so much. About 11 or so they headed off to my uncles office and I finally got t work on my kitchen for a short bit before I got busy with lunch customers. Well by then E showed up to have lunch and chatted for awhile, and by 1pm A showed up. I get frustrated talking to A so every minute felt like 10, but while I was talking to A, S showed up. By the time I shooed away A, I went to talk to S. By the time S left G and M showed up, and then were joined by R again. This took us until about 3:30 when my dad showed up, and the repair guy for a piece of equipment that is not working right. This takes us to 5pm. When I started to get my after work rush. It's finally 6pm and I've finally chased them all out, and yet I feel someone will be back by 6:30pm. My entire day, just gone. I tried and tried to get stuff done while they were here, but my kitchen never got finished, but I did manage to get 2 weeks worth of orders put away. That's how I finally got rid of A.

I do love these people, but how do I tell them to leave me alone without drama and hurt feelings? Each one tells me the same thing...take a break and visit with me. I mean, hello? I just got off of break not more than a minute ago! It's just been such a whirlwind of people and activity since the time change that things in the business just seem to be falling apart! I would do the bookwork at night, but I usually have to work, or am getting called to help someone out. I just don't know how to say no.

The other thing that has happened is I found I can no longer be logged into my computer while my brother is here, and really, anyone else. They use the computer and close out windows shutting down things I was in the middle of, or in my brother's case, going through my emails! I hate having to be so private and protective, maybe if I hadn't caught him and flipped out on him, maybe he would have discovered everything he didn't want to know about me, and then coming out to him would be easy, because I have conversations with people via email that he wouldn't want to read. And there are things that he just shouldn't read. This is more than my business, this is my home! I'm all about comfortable but when it comes to going through my stuff and reading personal things, I get furious.

It made me wonder, does everyone feel this way? Doesn't everyone have things in their email that doesn't need to be public knowledge? Or have I lived this secret life so long that I just assume it's how everyone lives? Many of my friends couldn't care less if I read their email, I don't because why? "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" It's how I try to live. If one of my friends is still logged into their email when I get back to my computer, I immediately log them out, I just couldn't go through their stuff. I only wish the same courtesy would be offered to myself.

Maybe I'm just too wound up, maybe I'm just too protective, and maybe I'm just used to having to hide parts of me from the world. Maybe if I was more transparent it wouldn't bother me as much, but I'm a firm believer that everyone should have a private place. I never go into bedrooms, I feel awkward if it's not mine, it's a private place. You should be able to have dirty clothes thrown on the dresser if you want, or a trashy novel laying out if you want, it's your personal space. I guess that's why I have a hard time sharing a room with anyone, there is no private or personal space.

It's going to be a major problem if I ever find anyone to live with and share my life with, but then again, maybe it will be o.k. Maybe I'll be able to be totally transparent with the guy and not have to worry about it, but it's so hard to be me and imagine that. It's hard for me to imagine a life where there are no life altering secrets involved, and maybe that's part of my trust issues. I've been carrying around this secret for so long I think everyone has some deep life altering secret.

Wow, I'm so all over the place right now! And just to prove my point, look earlier when I said someone would be here by 6:30pm, without fail as I was typing this at 6:29pm G,M &R all walked in. But that's o.k because I'm dead the last hour and I typically am not working real hard at the end of the day.

But oh well, such is my life, I either learn to adjust and make the change or I quit bitching. lol.

I'm good, I really am. :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Thank you to Dan Savage for his final line in this piece

The video I posted isn't working I guess, so I'll post two links that are worth the watch. One funny yet true, the other very moving.



edit: When I say the funny one is true, I should point out that I'm referring to the last exchange between the two of them. Dan had some really great things to say.

Oh Mr. Winter

Oh Mr. Winter, so we are going to cross paths again, let me say I'm less than thrilled. While you have many good qualities, I do not have the patience for you. I loath what you do to me and how you treat me. I am going to create a pro and con list to see if you and I are actually compatible. If I find we are not, I will have to cut all ties with you, and will continue loathing you as I have in previous years.

Pro: my electric bill is cut in 1/2 because my coolers enjoy your presence and they don't have to work nearly as hard to keep my beer and products cold.
Con: my gas bill is higher and the 5 furnaces run all the time because you're bitterness is too much to take and I'm constantly shivering otherwise.

Pro: it's so nice to curl up on a snowy day and enjoy a good movie, or a hot cup of coffee and a good book and watch how peaceful outside is.
Con: I have so little time to do this so I end up having to go outside and shovel the bright whiteness off of my parking lot and driveway and end up cold and sweating and not so happy.

Pro: Your snowy white goodness reflects the sun and makes everything seem so much brighter and clean.
Con: Your snowy white goodness reflects the sun and blinds me as I'm driving to work, and ends up giving me a massive headache.

Pro: There is something so peaceful about getting up at 6am and seeing everything covered in crisp clean snow and no one is one the roads creating a calm about the area.
Con: No one is driving because it is so dangerous, activities are canceled and there are no customers in my store to help pay for the gas bill.

Pro: You hold the secrets to a beautiful Christmas morning, and in order to enjoy the Christmas season I must go through you.
Con: How can I argue with that pro?

So you win again Mr. Winter, I will muddle through your oppressive beauty, I will put up with your dreary brightness, and your cold and painful months, because Christmas makes up for it all. But if I could ask you one small favor in return, I will boast about you for just this one small favor. Could you please....please create a new holiday in the midst of February to get excited about because January and February are the longest and most painful months you present. It's all I ask......and perhaps a stretch of 60 degree weather would be good too, but I won't push you for that.

Just please take it easy on me this year, I've already admitted to your victory over my will, I will abide by your laws, please don't ask anything more.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Funny story

Jake called attention to the hot boy on the new banner that I finally took the time to put together, it's a personal picture I took of a man named Rich.

I was in Waikiki beach for vacation a few years ago, staying right on the beach. Behind the string of hotels is a boardwalk running along the ocean that leads out into a public parking lot and public beach (technically all beaches in Hawaii are public). I took a stroll one afternoon just checking out the hotels and the hotties on the beach and just taking in the great ocean air, the sun was shinning, and who am I kidding, it was hot as anything! I get down past the hotels and start walking the beach at the more public area and see a little spot up on the parking lot that would be a great spot to get a picture of Diamond Head across the water, so I head up there.

Once on the parking lot I nearly got side swiped by a guy on a bike, he maintained control and stopped his bike and looked back at me and apologized. Well at least I think he apologized, I didn't really hear what he was saying because I was entranced by this man, He came over to make sure I was alright, and I was fine. He asked if I was from around there and I told him I was on vacation just getting a shot of Diamond Head. He must have felt bad for nearly killing me (a little dramatization) because he struck up a conversation about Diamond Head and gave me some ideas of good places to get some really cool shots. He introduced himself as Rico, but his friends called him Rich.

I just couldn't take my eyes of this man, he was as close to perfection as I had or have ever seen. His bronze skin, his eyes that were the brightest blue I had ever seen, and lets not forget the rest of him. ;) We chatted for a bit and he offered to take me around the board walk and buy me a drink. I let him and off we went. After a drink or two he offered to take me on a tour around town, he would occasionally grab my arm, or put his arm around me and come in close to tell me certain things about the island, I was in love. So after the tour of the town we headed back to the board walk to watch the sun set, we sat on the beach and he would inch closer to me minute by minute and soon he had is arm around me. We sat like that while we watched the sun sink slowly into the horizon. He asked me a question and when I turned my head to reply I got caught in his eyes. He was gazing at me, and I found myself caught up in the moment. He leaned in closer and closer as my heart beat faster and faster, could this really be happening?

No, of course not! Who do you think this is? That's what I wish had happened, or at least what happened in my mind all day after my encounter with him. lol. The story was true all the way through to the look back to apologize. After that he went off and I took my pictures of Diamond Head, but on my way back towards the board walk I stopped for another shot with the beach, the water and such all in the shot, but when I was playing with the zoom I realized out on the waters edge there was concrete something or other and a really cute boy laying out on it, in next to nothing as you can see. I did get my shot of Diamond Head, but I would be INSANE to not snap a picture of who I recognized as Rich.....I don't even know if that's his name, but it sounded good to the story lol. Don't worry, I was all stalkish about it, thanks to the great zoom on my camera I maintained proper stalking distance and blended in with the crowd.

It was a good day in Hawaii.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

A few topics

So Proposition 8 was passed in California, Proposition 2 in Florida passed, as well as an adoption ban in Arkansas was passed with this past election. What does this all mean? While it does not directly affect me as they are in different states, there are currently 26 states with similar statutes in place. It makes me sit back and wonder, what's next? What is everyone so afraid of? That two people who love each other might actually be happy? That somehow if the gay couple that lives down the street were to get married it would make their own heterosexual marriage weaker?

I've heard a lot of arguments for this. The biggest one I've heard over the last two years or so is that if every gay couple were to be allowed to get insurance benefits, it would cost a fortune. But if these people were straight and married, their family plans wouldn't cost as much? If this is the case I would suggest a lesbian couple get together with a gay male couple, marry each other, live out their lives and get all the insurance they can. If they would provide insurance to the straight couples, what's the problem with providing them for the gay couples of the world. I see no difference.

As far as I'm concerned, the government should not be talking about marriage at all. To the government all marriages should be unions. Two adults should be able to legally bind themselves together for all the reasons, taxes, insurance, visitation rights, etc... Leave the marriage talk to the churches. If you would like to be joined in Holy matrimony, then the churches will take care of that. If the churches don't want to marry gay people...well that's a whole other issue, separation of church and state sound familiar to anyone? People scream in the streets about the issue, but when it comes to marriage, they jump the fence to the other side, why?

I fail to see what is so scary about two people that love each other wanting to be recognized as a couple in a union by the government. Why is it anyone else's business? Would it affect their rights? Would it affect their home? Would it affect their taxes? I think the next vote should be to ban marriage completely from the government, I want to start protesting weddings as a whole.

This whole issue is just a slap in the face to gay rights. It sets a precedent that can now be used in every other state to strip the rights of gay individuals away from them. Why? I just don't understand what is so scary about homosexuals, will someone please explain it to me. Every homophobe I've ever met I've asked them to explain why they are so afraid, and no one can give me a logical answer. I have never heard a good answer as to why it is so horrible. One of the scare tactics used in California was telling everyone that they would be required to teach their young children about homosexual marriages....ummm....why? And what's different? What are you telling your young children to begin with? What do they need to know about marriage from their school teachers? "Two people love each other, they have a ceremony, and then they live together" is that bad?

Is it because they're afraid their kids will learn about gay sex? Well I learned all about gay sex from my biology teacher in middle school. No one was traumatized, no one was suspended from teaching, no one even said anything, except for a few snickers here and there, but we had that when we had sex ed in general. So where's the problem? Gay couples are not inviting you into their bedrooms to watch, I just don't understand.

Oh yes, there is the sanctity of marriage....really? sanctity? That's the word you want to use, when young "icons" like Brittany Spears run off to Vegas to do illicit drugs and alcohol and gets married at a chapel.....that kind of sanctity? Or how about the mass of reality t.v. shows where you get married at the end.....that kind of sanctity? Please define your stand point on sanctity, because it's a bit muddled to this mind. To me marriage has always been when two people love each other so much they want to stand up in front of their friends and family and declare their love and devotion to one another to the world. I don't EVER remember anyone saying man and woman. People say it's because those were different old do you think homosexuality is? It's been around since the beginning of time, and yet no one will accept it. Millenniums of people being forced to be who they aren't because of society.

Oh but the bible says.....yes, I've read all those arguments, but I've also read deeper, and it's not as clear as people think. There are some very good books on the subject that I find fascinating and wish more people would read. Books like The Children are Free or God is not a Homophobe , these are just two of the books out there. By the way, thank you Jake for the loan of these, they have helped tremendously to come to terms with many of my questions and concerns. I would like to buy copies of these books for my family when the time comes to come out to them. I would also like to send a copy to my pastor and discuss them with him. I'm nearly done with them....I'm a slow reader, but they are thorough and direct in addressing each of the typical verses used against the gay community.

In the midst of the discovering how much money the Mormon church has sent to support Proposition 8 there has been a lot of turmoil. There is a petition to get their tax exempt status taken away because they broke 2 rather big IRS laws while doing this, and I signed it. If they are going to provide 43% of the funding to fight this bill and effect legislation they can no longer use religion as a tax shelter. Is it fighting back out of revenge of losing? Maybe, but if you want to play the game, then play the game right. But in many of their publications they keep referring to homosexuality as a choice. I know I've talked about this over and over and over again on this blog, but for one more time.....Who would CHOOSE a life of discrimination? Who would CHOOSE to be the target of so much hate? Who?

It's easy to say something is a choice if you've never been there, if you've never lived in someone else's shoes. But until you know what it's like on the other side of this issue, I think it's arrogant to tell people it's a choice. I've heard of conversion camps where they get you to be straight That's not really what's happening. If you need to be in a camp and medicated, you're not really converting, you're changing who you are through brain washing and medication. They may think it works.....for now, but sooner or later you find you can't run from it anymore, it's who you are.

I guess with these and many issues lately I've been hitting a wall. Hitting a wall trying to understand why people are so afraid, why they are being so hurtful to other human beings, why they are so angry, and why they spend so much time and so many resources stopping something that affects them in NO way. Why? Society confuses me, but mostly they scare me. It truely scares me to think about all the civil rights problems this country has had, and we NEVER learn from them, we take two steps forward and then two steps back, never moving forward.

I don't know why I'm surprised really, it's only taken 145 years for an African American to rise to power, and it took until 1920 for women to get a voice in our government, what makes me think that gay men and women would get equal rights in my life time? When will society wake up? When will they realize what they are doing to each other? It just makes me feel like we are on a self destructive path of bigotry.

And for any homophobes that come across this by accident and are boiling over in rage right now, I'll leave you with a little picture to just put you over the top, because that's how I fell right now.

It's time to get over it.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

A sad day

I realize Jake is ready to move on, but I need to take a moment since I'm going to bed and don't have time to elaborate, to mention that proposition 8 in California was defeated.

It's a slap in the face of gay rights and sets a precedent in this country for states to place gay men and women on a secondary citizen list.

I'm not sure if I'll get back to get into this or not, but it's not a good sign for the future.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

So last night at work I realized why I don’t like that place, it’s the constant competition. If it were competition with their jobs I would be o.k. with that, in fact I would encourage it. But it seems to be the younger generation wants to compete on who the biggest bad ass is, or who the biggest drunk, or slut is. I can’t understand this constant need to one up each other in the most inept ways, and please stop with all the over dramatic statements. “Oh, I have to go home because I have a migraine” No, I’m sorry, if you had a migraine you would be crying with the lights and sounds that are in there, you would not be jamming to death metal and banging your head around. You sir, are just a jackass.

I listened for an hour last night of them telling stories about drinking, one of the new kids listed off about 40 liquors (repeating more than half of them over and over) and how he drank a bottle of each and blacked out for a week. I just laughed, if you had that much to drink; your skinny ass would have died. But this is the kid that is a self-proclaimed psychopath, a hired gun, an ex-gang member, fluent in 13 languages, and the highest trained karate guy, next to chuck Norris. I mean really? How much shit would you expect the average person to take. He’s a twig, no muscle tone, and has no common sense. He has no comprehension of the English language, let alone 12 others.

It seems like every single new person we hire has something to prove. They have to top the story they hear or they will be losers. Then they start to ask me, I just laugh and walk away. I told him one night, “Those that talk the most about it, have no freaking idea” It didn’t seem to shut him up. But it’s true; those that talk most about all their sexual conquests…are usually virgins. Those that tell the most outrageous drinking stories…. are usually drunk after 2 beers…or they were at the parties I used to attend in college, some of the people up there could live up to parts of their stories.

I finally asked the one girl last night who is always quiet and doesn’t talk about herself in such a way, why it was so necessary to talk big? She didn’t have a clue. Now this girl is no saint, she had two kids by the time she was 18 with a deadbeat father who is in jail right now, where he belongs. I have seen her at a party or two and she knows her stuff. But what I admire her for, is she shows up to work every day early, she does a great job, she’s not outspoken, she works her ass off to provide for her children, and has a social life she doesn’t talk about at work. Why can’t they all be like that?

When I was growing up centuries ago, I guess we did the same thing, but I guess I consider it different when it’s not life altering situations. We would talk about who had the biggest hot wheel collection, who could climb the highest, who could hang on the monkey bars longer. In high school it was different things with different people, but the people I worked with in high school, the people that worked where I work now, only 14 years ago, it was just…. so different. The people I worked with back then were some of the smartest people in my class, even the older people that worked there weren’t druggies, we only had one person there that had legal issues. These kids today are ALL on probation for one reason or another. Requested days off are all for court dates, meetings with the parole officer, going to jail for two weeks, their babies daddy can’t pick the kid up today, it’s just unreal.

I wonder if it’s just there or if that’s really the direction society is heading? What has happened to family values? Work ethic? Respect for your fellow man? I just get lost in the whirlwind that is happening. Kids are exposed to way too much way to early, and so they are trying to grow up faster and faster. We were all like that, we couldn’t wait to drive, we couldn’t wait to be on our own. But seriously, they are in a rush to be slutty, they are in a rush to have children, they are in a rush to be the first of their generation to file for welfare. I find it sick that these kids have no ambition to do anything but mooch off the government. Welfare is there to help those that are in need, to help those that are having a hard time getting on their feet, or are going through a rough patch. It seems around here that Welfare has become a way of life, they know they don’t have to work because their parents never did, they don’t have to work when the government gives away free money every day. I feel like this is how society is going, what’s going to happen when the people paying for all this free money stop working? What’s going to happen to these kids when someone finally restructures the welfare system and cuts them off? I get so angry some days.

In other news my roof is nearly done. The contractor finished up his part of it today, and I’m happier than you could ever imagine. It’s done perfectly, and since he was coming in under the estimate he went ahead and did some extras we talked about and came in right where he said he would. To the penny. What I love is that he did what he said he would do, and then did more, the crew was great, the work is better than I ever imagined, and it’s paid for. I love it. The sad part is I spent thousands on repairs the average person driving by, will never see. But it will be nice to not be able to shower in the grocery department when it rains; it’s a rather awkward situation. LOL.

We are now pricing out the options for the front portion of the store that people do see, I can’t afford to do the original plan, but we’re going to make it look great anyway. I’m just really trying to tap into my thrifty creativity to figure out what sign I can put up there after we take the old one down. The old one is causing leaks in my entry and it’s not pretty. I have some ideas, but I have to run them by my father who will be building it. I think it’s going to be great. And the money I’m saving on doing the front differently will allow me to complete nearly all the rest of my projects inside and out, and finally this place will be transformed into something new and beautiful.

In three years we’ve taken this place from dump to treasure. With my creativity, and my family and friend’s ingenuity we’ve accomplished so much, and I couldn’t be happier. Now if the damn thing would just turn a profit! LOL. Oh well, one thing at a time.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

35 miles an hour.

I was dressed warm, layer upon layer, the engine roaring between my legs, mud flying everywhere, soaring, soaring through the air at a mere 35 miles an hour. One does not realize just how fast 35 miles an hour can be when you're driving in a car, but on this 4 wheeler, open to the air, nothing between you and nature, 35 miles an hour can be so fast. Leaping from bump to bump, sliding around the corners, flying through the forest, sloshing water out of your path, my heart beating fast, my laughing inside of the helmet sounding as loud as the engine outside of my helmet, hearing the water splash away and feeling the mud coating my legs, through three layers of clothes, people watching with thumbs up and laughing and cheering loudly. There is no other world, there are no other sounds, there are no worries, there are no regrets, there are no thoughts, other than one single moment, the moment of nothing but life. The feeling of nothing but pure excitement, thrill, and adventure.

Today I went on a 4wheeler adventure in the state forest, not too far from here. I had such a great time. When I first arrived at Eric's he let me take it out for a spin to get the hang of it, he lives out in the country surrounded by fields. I took off and had such a great time, it was all flat land, but driving out there, out there with the wind in my hair heading no where, it was a feeling I can't describe. The whole day riding around without a care in the world. I'm not one to run around and get filthy, I'm always dressed too nice and I was told as a child over and over and over, that you shouldn't get your clothes all dirty, you'd ruin them, but today, today I prepared, I got my already ruined's pretty much all I own anymore. LOL. I didn't care, I got filthy, I was so covered in mud I scared people in the parking lot! I didn't think about the store, I didn't think about love, I didn't think about lonliness. I didn't think about finances, construction or family problems. It was just pure freedom from thought, well that's not entirely true...I did have to think about how fast I wanted to jump the next hill. LOL.

I had a great day. I could do that more often without a doubt.

So anyway, this week they are supposed to be starting my roof. I'm not even sure if I've mentioned the new roof on this blog yet or not. But the leaky roof will finally be fixed. I went on Friday and signed the papers and picked up a pretty big check, more money than I've seen in awhile. I'm afraid if they don't start and finish the roof soon I'll be tempted to go buy other stuff. LOL. It will be nice to have the dang thing finished finally, I just hope we can complete the project this week. It will be the first professionally done job in/on this building in over 60 years. I'm sure my brother and the crew I could assemble could do it, but I want this one to be done professionally, I want this one done fast and easy. I didn't want to skimp on this project, and thanks to the bank, I didn't have to. So yeah. :)

Other than that, there really hasn't been much going on. Just try to keep going every day, putting one foot in front of the other and just keep on going. There is much to do, but depending on the day I'm either out of energy, or money....but I'm used to that. LOL.

I really didn't have much to say, there are some thing ruminating in my mind as of late, but today just cleared it all up, or it pushed it aside for another day, whichever, I feel good. :)

So anyway, that's all for now!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

So today I met with the contractor that is going to be rebuilding my roof, he’s a nice guy, the father of a friend, a good guy. He brought with him his lead carpenter….I was reminded of my love of contractors. Oh.My. I couldn’t stop starring, luckily I was on the ground and he was on the roof, so I don’t think anyone noticed. He was so fine. I just keep thinking I want really hot weather so he takes that dang shirt off.

I love the ruggedness of a good contractor. The well defined arms from lifting, the delicious chest and leg muscles, and the finely sculpted hind end. Most of them are truly a work of art. I can only hope I get ample opportunity to watch him work next week. Hubba freakin hubba.

I’m suffering from quite a battle with M.O.T.M. lately (Men on the mind). I really need to get out more. It’s not always the sculpted types I drool over, I find my tastes vary quite a bit from man to man. Each one having a different quality I seem to swoon over, each one brings out something different in me.

On Sunday I was chatting a bit with someone fairly local that wanted to meet up. What first struck me was all of my insecurities, my weight, my lack of conversational skills, my lack of knowledge in regards to world events, and so on and so forth. Once I was finally able to push them aside, well mostly I found myself searching for a time to meet the guy. I found out, that my schedule is really not conducive for meeting people right now. Between the jobs and everything I have to get done, and spending time with my friends, it leaves me no time for anything else.

I’m finding balancing time with everyone very difficult. I love having a lot of friends, but when you don’t have the time an average American has, then you really don’t have time to spend with everyone. With all the weddings and all the other events of the fall, I’ve been neglecting people. It kills me, but at the same time I just don’t have the time. It saddened me that when I had the time in Michigan I didn’t take advantage of it, and now that I have no time, I have more things to do and people to see than I have time to accomplish, and that ends up effecting my other greatest problem, guilt. It’s way to easy to play the guilt card with me, because everyone that uses it knows it bothers me too, but there is nothing really I can do. How can I put a ranking system on the people in my lives? I feel like everyone wants me to rank everyone else below them, which I can appreciate and I love that so many people love me, but there are only so many hours in a day and there is only one of me.

I’m trying to tell myself that I am at one location for 11 hours a day, if they really truly wanted to see me, or talk to me, they would come visit me here, where they know I am. But instead I just feel guilty all the time if I can’t spend time with so and so because I made plans with someone else. I would love to be spontaneous, but people call and make plans, plans pile up so I have to schedule in time to be spontaneous. LOL.

It’s been a battle most of my life and it drives me crazy. Just because I’m out having fun with one person doesn’t mean that I rank them higher, it means they called and made plans months in advance. I just never quite know what to do about the whole situation. I mean how can someone bitch because so many people love to spend time with them? Oh well, such is life.

Sunday I’m going out with a new friend of mine. He’s taking me 4-wheeling. The last time I was supposed to go at our other friend’s house I couldn’t get out there until after dark and they were packed up back on the trailer before I could get out there, I was very sad. But this time I’m going, I’m going to be prepared, and I’m just SOOOO looking forward to something so new to me. I wish I could fill every free moment with new opportunities! But I’m sure that would get exhausting too.

So anyway that’s about all for me, I just wanted to talk about the hot carpenter that was wondering around this afternoon.