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Showing posts from September, 2010

The boys are back in town.....

Well not quite, but there isn't a song that sticks out in my head that says "They boys will be back in town on Friday" so I made due with what I knew. Maybe I should write my own song....hmmmm...... My excitement to see the boys this weekend may or may not be a little over the top, but I'm o.k. with that. There is a screaming queen inside of me that is squeeling that it's almost Friday....... .. .. .. .. .. .. ..............................I can't believe I just typed that. I have some more things to talk about, but I have to get ready for work, this 40 hrs/week thing is for the birds, I'm supposed to be a man of leisure.................right?

Two posts? One day?!?

Just a quick note to update those of you who may not have heard. IT'S OVER!!! THE BUSINESS IS OFFICIALLY GONE!!!! The check is being deposited this afternoon and tomorrow I can start writing checks and get these bills paid off and caught up and I can finally move forward with a better looking slate, it may not be getting cleaned off, but it's getting cleaned up!!! Thanks for reading the last 5 crazy years, here's to hoping the next 5 are just as crazy, but better crazy. ;)

A different light

So the last post really started to bother me, I've reread it several times and besides the awful gram er in some of it and the use of words that probably don't exist (lol) I realized that I may have painted my parents in a bad light. It is not that my parents have never celebrated these moments in my life, it's not that they haven't joined me in the joy of the moment, it's more that my mother has severe anxiety when it comes to crowds. Not just crowds of people that she doesn't know, crowds of people in general, family included. There are always reasons for not having parties, or celebrations, usually a lack of time or lack of money so that's why I told myself to get over it. Many times it was I that kept putting off a party until I had the money and then I would just give up after waiting so long. The last post was written from a very self centered place and a place I hate to visit, especially when there is so much good happening in my life. :) My new job i

An unceremonial life

So I said yesterday about how I signed off on my business and it made me so happy, and it really did. Tomorrow I get to sit down and start writing checks to pay off so many bills that have haunted me over the last few months, I'll be caught up and 3/4 of the money I borrowed from my parents will be paid back. That alone is such a relief, such a load off of my shoulders, and a load off of my heart. I imagined what it would be like, that time afterwards. I imagined champagne toasts, a celebratory dinner with my family with toasts and thanks and sharing memories. What really happened you ask? I came home, told them the news, they sighed and then told me to take a nap so I wasn't tired driving home that night. We went to dinner with my grandma and her friend and then I drove home to a house of kitties and that was all. No toasts, no drinks, no family celebration. It was so anti climactic I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even driving home that night thinking about paying

5 years

Today I was finally able to sign over my business, after months of dealing with this crap, it's finally over. The buyer will be signing the bank papers on Monday which will produce my check which will allow me to pay off my bills, or at least catch them up!!! I'm so stinkin excited. I have more to say but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write more on the subject later.

Teaching this old dog some new tricks.

After I moved down here I found things were changing, not the obvious things like scenery, who I talk to daily, etc... but my eating habits. I always assumed they would change because I eat differently when I live with someone. When someone is there I feel they judge me, I know it's not true, but as long as I keep believing it it keeps me in check. lol. What I didn't see coming was my appetite. I'm really starting to pay attention to eating only when I'm hungry, and you know what I figured out? I'm not hungry that often. This has led to eating less often and eating less in general, I found it doesn't require as much food to fill me up. I still battle at times from trying to eat too much if the food is good, but I'm getting there. I also have to try and rethink what I order at restaurants because I tried to order what I normally order and can hardly bring myself to finish half of it. It seems to be paying off. My belts used to be for decoration, purely t

A life of hoarding

So I was watching Hoarders today on A&E, pretty much all day because it sucks me in and interests me. As I watched these people struggle with their issues I realized just how much alike I was to some of these people. I listened to the excuses they made when it came to the condition of their homes and lives and it was like watching myself. I could hear myself saying these things over the last many years. "that could come in handy later" "Oh I could use that cup" "Do you know what projects I could do with that?" "That just means so much to me, I can't bare to part with it." I've gotten over most of the attatchment I've had to a lot of the "stuff" in my life. I have some more work to do, but overall for 33 I think I'm doing fairly well. What astonished me more was the realization I do this with people as well. There are people in my life that have proven to be toxic. Where at one time they meant so much to me, o

Paths not chosen

I often find myself thinking about the past, usually after a big change in my life. I think about the choices offered to me at the time and the paths I chose to take at the time and why. Often my choices were led by insecurities. I can't think back that far, but as a child I hid behind my weight, I high doubt it was a conscious decision back in the day, I did have genetics battling against me, but somewhere along the line I learned it was just too hard and kept giving up on losing weight. I spent most of the middle school years on all sorts of diets, slim fast was the longest running one but I just couldn't find the will power to stick to it. I've battled all of my life with it, I hid behind it and used it as an excuse for all sorts of things. I was a very talented swimmer, my gym teacher told me so, but because I was so big I just couldn't make the team. He worked with me for awhile to help me, but when it got hard I quit. Had I lost the weight I would have competed,

Beneath the surface

Beneath the surface of my every day demeanor is anger. An anger so strong and so powerful that it honestly scares me. I try to bury it as deep as I think I can, but somehow it only takes a light scrath to bring it to the surface. I've dealt with it all my life and it only seems to grow stronger. It doesn't always show in everyday life, but it appears during frustrating moments like dropping a screw while I'm working on a construction project, or financial matters with the business or sometimes it's random small situations that seem to bring it out. I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped ba