Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The boys are back in town.....

Well not quite, but there isn't a song that sticks out in my head that says "They boys will be back in town on Friday" so I made due with what I knew.

Maybe I should write my own song....hmmmm......

My excitement to see the boys this weekend may or may not be a little over the top, but I'm o.k. with that. There is a screaming queen inside of me that is squeeling that it's almost Friday.......
..............................I can't believe I just typed that.

I have some more things to talk about, but I have to get ready for work, this 40 hrs/week thing is for the birds, I'm supposed to be a man of leisure.................right?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Two posts? One day?!?

Just a quick note to update those of you who may not have heard.


The check is being deposited this afternoon and tomorrow I can start writing checks and get these bills paid off and caught up and I can finally move forward with a better looking slate, it may not be getting cleaned off, but it's getting cleaned up!!!

Thanks for reading the last 5 crazy years, here's to hoping the next 5 are just as crazy, but better crazy. ;)

A different light

So the last post really started to bother me, I've reread it several times and besides the awful gram er in some of it and the use of words that probably don't exist (lol) I realized that I may have painted my parents in a bad light. It is not that my parents have never celebrated these moments in my life, it's not that they haven't joined me in the joy of the moment, it's more that my mother has severe anxiety when it comes to crowds. Not just crowds of people that she doesn't know, crowds of people in general, family included.

There are always reasons for not having parties, or celebrations, usually a lack of time or lack of money so that's why I told myself to get over it. Many times it was I that kept putting off a party until I had the money and then I would just give up after waiting so long. The last post was written from a very self centered place and a place I hate to visit, especially when there is so much good happening in my life. :)

My new job is finally going to happen. I won't start for another month yet but I'm so excited. They sent an offer letter laying out the benefits, expectations, and schedule and such and I just kept reading and rereading because I kept waiting for a catch. I have had what I find out to be so many bad jobs. It's not like the jobs were bad, but the companies really lacked an appreciation for their employees. It's so strange to see all these options and benefits available to employees, is this really how it's supposed to be? It's just so out of my norm, but it's so exciting!

My current job has been going well also. The people are really nice, the job is easy and for the most part keeps me busy enough that time passes fairly quickly. The management seems to like me and appreciate me, with the exception of them being rather homophobic (not to a dangerous degree thankfully) everything seems to be going well. I have been really contemplating staying on and keeping it as a second job. I hate the thought of quitting after such a short time and I like the job and I always like to have a back-up, just-in case.

Before anyone starts getting fired up about the last couple of statements in that sentence, I have decided I don't need a second job and would like to try living a normal life. I like the idea of having time off, a normal schedule and not overbooked with everything. I figure if I leave on a good note I can always go back if I were to ever need to. Of course, this isn't Nappy town there are more jobs than just one. lol. It's hard to get past all of that.

I do have a post or two that I'm working on but aren't ready yet, I just didn't want to keep looking at that last post because it was bothering me. The past is the past, they call it history for a reason (you know, that doesn't even really make sense to me. lol.) Anyway, that's all for today, I'm looking forward to the future and the possibilities that it contains. :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

An unceremonial life

So I said yesterday about how I signed off on my business and it made me so happy, and it really did. Tomorrow I get to sit down and start writing checks to pay off so many bills that have haunted me over the last few months, I'll be caught up and 3/4 of the money I borrowed from my parents will be paid back. That alone is such a relief, such a load off of my shoulders, and a load off of my heart.

I imagined what it would be like, that time afterwards. I imagined champagne toasts, a celebratory dinner with my family with toasts and thanks and sharing memories. What really happened you ask? I came home, told them the news, they sighed and then told me to take a nap so I wasn't tired driving home that night. We went to dinner with my grandma and her friend and then I drove home to a house of kitties and that was all.

No toasts, no drinks, no family celebration. It was so anti climactic I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even driving home that night thinking about paying these bills off and not having this huge debt and huge amount of stress on my mind and my heart and it was so hard for me to imagine. It's hard to believe it's over.

Even my moving was very unceremoniously. I was going to have a party so I could see everyone before I left, or at least give them an opportunity to see me before I left but I had no time and no money, and since I'm the only one that would throw a party like that, it never got done. I'm now getting emails and phone calls asking me when I moved, when did I sell the store, etc... People are actually upset with me because I didn't visit them before I left. Really? I knew it would happen, it always does. I slipped out of town as if I left in the middle of the night and few even noticed.

I'm not one for a big party or celebration, but isn't it human nature to have that just once? I think back on my life and the biggest changes have been met with boring mundane every day life. I graduated college and never had a party, just went to work the next day. I moved to Michigan and no one noticed. I moved away from Michigan and no one noticed. I opened my own business and never even had a grand opening. I sold the business and nothing. I just feel as if I'm missing out on something, like these milestones have gone unnoticed. I'm not sure what I expect, perhaps it's wrong to have these feelings, perhaps it's wrong to want these things, I'm just not sure.

It seems awfully selfish the more I think about it, maybe I just need to be happy that these things have happened and keep moving on with my life. There are so many people who don't have these things in their life so why should I shove it in people's faces. I need to just put on my big boy pants and get on with my life already.

I'm just having a stupid self pity party, but it's over. The store is gone and soon I'll be all caught up and the bills will be paid with the exception of some money I'm still going to owe to a private investor, but it could have been so much worse, so I'm going to be thankful for what has happened, the life I've been given and opportunities before me.

5 years

Today I was finally able to sign over my business, after months of dealing with this crap, it's finally over. The buyer will be signing the bank papers on Monday which will produce my check which will allow me to pay off my bills, or at least catch them up!!! I'm so stinkin excited.

I have more to say but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write more on the subject later.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Teaching this old dog some new tricks.

After I moved down here I found things were changing, not the obvious things like scenery, who I talk to daily, etc... but my eating habits.

I always assumed they would change because I eat differently when I live with someone. When someone is there I feel they judge me, I know it's not true, but as long as I keep believing it it keeps me in check. lol.

What I didn't see coming was my appetite. I'm really starting to pay attention to eating only when I'm hungry, and you know what I figured out? I'm not hungry that often. This has led to eating less often and eating less in general, I found it doesn't require as much food to fill me up. I still battle at times from trying to eat too much if the food is good, but I'm getting there. I also have to try and rethink what I order at restaurants because I tried to order what I normally order and can hardly bring myself to finish half of it.

It seems to be paying off. My belts used to be for decoration, purely there "just in case", but now they are being used because without them all the pants I own fall off of me just by walking. It's not a ton of weight yet, but it's a start, the pants I had to buy for work were 1 size down from what I normally buy so it keeps me motivated. Now if I can get excersize more often it might just start to go faster. lol. I'll take what I can get though, even small victories are still victories.

So for any of you that don't know yet the update on the business is as follows. The liquor license has officially been transfered and assuming the bank is ready for Friday we'll be able to close this deal on Friday!!! Finally after 9 months of working this deal, it's finally coming to a close!!! I can't wait to sign that thing over and transfer the utilities, oh what a relief that will be!!

So anyway that's the update. :)

A life of hoarding

So I was watching Hoarders today on A&E, pretty much all day because it sucks me in and interests me. As I watched these people struggle with their issues I realized just how much alike I was to some of these people. I listened to the excuses they made when it came to the condition of their homes and lives and it was like watching myself. I could hear myself saying these things over the last many years. "that could come in handy later" "Oh I could use that cup" "Do you know what projects I could do with that?" "That just means so much to me, I can't bare to part with it."

I've gotten over most of the attatchment I've had to a lot of the "stuff" in my life. I have some more work to do, but overall for 33 I think I'm doing fairly well. What astonished me more was the realization I do this with people as well. There are people in my life that have proven to be toxic. Where at one time they meant so much to me, or helped me through a tough time, or we shared a moment. Those people I've held on to longer than I should have. There are just some people that are not meant to be a part of our lives forever.

It's a hard realization to make because it's like throwing away that part of my life, like if I cut them out of my life that piece of my history no longer means anything to me. There are days I realize it's not true and I've worked over the last several years to overcome that and keep my distance from some of these people. Sometimes they don't understand, but that has more to do with two people changing in different directions. Sometimes it's me that is pushed aside and I have a really hard time with that, accepting that I'm no longer a part of their life, or we're not as close, that things changed and I was the one that didn't realize it.

I hoard people and memories and sometimes I really just need to let go. I'm no better than someone who hoards "stuff" in thier house and I need to take a cue from some of these success stories and push through the hard stuff to get to the realization on the other side.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Paths not chosen

I often find myself thinking about the past, usually after a big change in my life. I think about the choices offered to me at the time and the paths I chose to take at the time and why. Often my choices were led by insecurities. I can't think back that far, but as a child I hid behind my weight, I high doubt it was a conscious decision back in the day, I did have genetics battling against me, but somewhere along the line I learned it was just too hard and kept giving up on losing weight. I spent most of the middle school years on all sorts of diets, slim fast was the longest running one but I just couldn't find the will power to stick to it.

I've battled all of my life with it, I hid behind it and used it as an excuse for all sorts of things. I was a very talented swimmer, my gym teacher told me so, but because I was so big I just couldn't make the team. He worked with me for awhile to help me, but when it got hard I quit. Had I lost the weight I would have competed, and it's something I didn't like to do because I could lose. I can see it clearly now all these years later.

I used my insecurities to decide what school to go to when I went back. I didn't want to live in a regular dorm because I would be too close to people and I didn't want to deal with sharing showers and bathrooms with so many other people so when I received my acceptance letters from all five schools I applied too I separated them by living situations first. Seriously? First?

I don't know what takes me down these paths because every time I think about it I realize I made these choices and I've lived with them. Each one having it's own great out come and the sum of them all has equaled a pretty damn great life so far. I think about all the great people I hold dear in my life and nearly all of them are a result of one of these decisions. Could there be other great people I would have met along the way? I'm sure of it, but I wouldn't trade a single one of the people I have now for a chance to find out, so why do I do this to myself?

I'm a very lucky person and hope that someday I can really appreciate my life for what it has been. I do have my issues that come from other decisions, but in general I'm very happy with who I've become and I do look forward to finding what the future holds for me. All I can do is continue to make the decisions that seem right for life at the time because it's worked out so far. That's the funny thing about God, he always seems to know exactly what he's doing.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Beneath the surface

Beneath the surface of my every day demeanor is anger. An anger so strong and so powerful that it honestly scares me. I try to bury it as deep as I think I can, but somehow it only takes a light scrath to bring it to the surface. I've dealt with it all my life and it only seems to grow stronger. It doesn't always show in everyday life, but it appears during frustrating moments like dropping a screw while I'm working on a construction project, or financial matters with the business or sometimes it's random small situations that seem to bring it out.

I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped back before the venom spewed from my mouth and I said something I would later wish I hadn't.

While it's good that I have learned to pull back on it, it doesn't stop it from being in my system. My heart beats faster, my eyes get a little blurry, blood rushes to my face and I get this strength to break things I always underestimate. In the past I have broken phones from throwing them, toys when I was a kid from slamming them on the floor, several mice from my computer from being thrown or slammed onto the desk, etc... The ugliness is just too much for me now.

I wish I could get it to go away, I wish I could take things in stride and many things I can, but sometimes it just oozes from my pores and I have a hard time reining it back in and keeping it from hurting people that have nothing to do with the situation that caused it.

I guess if I'm come this far, I can go further into controlling it and preventing. Maybe what I need is to find a way to let go of the anger, a punching bag or a dumpster full of glass and a batt. lol.