Thursday, May 29, 2008

When did you decide you were gay?

Please do me a favor, anyone who reads this......Don't EVER ask a gay person this question. Why do I bring this up at a time I should be studying my ass off?

This was brought up recently in a few blogs I've been reading and an online conversation I had. I did not just one day to up and decide I was gay, there was a point in my life when I finally accepted it, that's how it happened for me. Some know from birth, others don't figure it out until later in life, and some, like me, know the whole time but struggle and fight the idea until it's just too strong to turn from.

As far back as I can remember I've always felt this way. While boys in grade school were talking about girls having cooties, I firmly believed it and I guess it never went away. I have always admired the same sex. I have been thinking back as far back as I can and even in elementary school I could tell you who the hotties were, back then I couldn't have told you they were hot, I would have said cute, well quite honestly I knew back then how bad that was so I wouldn't have said anything, but you get the point.

I've looked back to all my memories, back to where I was old enough to remember stuff and it's always been there. In retrospect at several points in my life I should have accepted it, but it wasn't until much later when society it self started to accept that a large portion of their population was gay. Growing up in the town/neighborhood/family I did, I NEVER could have said something like that, even now, even as society has accepted it more and more, I still find myself in this little town with the same people making the same remarks they did back then. It's as if time has stood still in this little town. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have the courage to come out to these people.

When people started questioning my tendencies, noticing a few stereo types I was falling into and the questions started pouring out, I had decided it was time to do something. That's when I became infatuated with the unattainable. This would leave me a safe distance from the questions, I was still alone because I can't get my mind off of so and so, and we all know that's not going to happen.... you get the point. When the unattainable became attainable I struggled with it, I struggled with what I was supposed to do and turned out, I figured out I really loved her.

Now, keep in mind, it was not easy. **Warning, if you don't want to think of me this way skip to the next paragraph*** I held out for quite awhile, she was getting pushy and I was nervous as could be, for so many reasons. I enjoyed the kissing, the making out, and the many other activities we did, but when it came right down to intercourse, it was just not my thing. I was bad, even after time I wasn't that good (did I just admit that?) I knew she was unhappy and disappointed, and to be honest I started making up excuses for us not to, which she went with pretty easily. At that point our relationship started going down hill, I no longer felt comfortable with her and knew it should be opposite. She was beautiful, but it's not how I loved her, or any woman for that matter.

I just couldn't accept the fact, I told myself if I couldn't make this work I would be single for the rest of my life and blame her. You know what? It's worked so far. But after Danny and after G I finally accepted who I was this whole time. I had no experiences to tell me I like guys, I just always knew in my head, it just takes awhile to accept it. Now that the "still stuck on the one that got away" excuse no longer works, I use my work, or my weight or whatever I can when I need to. I know there are a few out there that know the truth deep down, but either A. don't want to hear it, or B. just want me to say it out loud. Either way I'm still here in my closet, I've got one foot out and the rest of me inside.

I guess there was no real reason for this blog, I just had to say some of these things and beg people to watch how they phrase questions. :)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Nervous and Scared to Death

Well I finally did it. I spent a nice chunk of money on a new line of work. Not to replace the store (well at least not yet...LOL) but to replace the two part time jobs I work besides the store.

I registered for the online course to study for my Ohio Insurance License test. It's a requirement to sit for the test. From what I hear the test is compared to the Ohio Bar exam. I'm so freaking scared and nervous, I do badly at tests. It will require me to take a good portion of a day off to sit for a proctored exam to prove I can pass the online course, that's in Toledo. Then I have to register for the state test that will be taken in Columbus. I have no idea how I'm going to get the time to do it, but it's summer and I can call in a few favors.

It has been a long time since I've had to study for anything, it's so frightening. I'm excited at the possibilities, but nervous I'll screw this all up and I won't be smart enough to do this. I hate the idea of failure, but I love putting myself into new situations and new lines of work. My motivation is going to be getting out of the fast food industry for good and to regain my nights and weekends again.

I hope this works, this could change my life.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Oh the little things in life.

Oh yes, there are little things in life that make it so much fun. There is nothing I love more than visiting someplace new, driving down a new road, experiencing new things, big or small, it doesn't matter, I just get addicted to the feeling of newness. So I went golfing for the first time. It was nearly as bad as I thought it would be, I actually kind of liked it. Of course it's going to require some practice before I attempt it again. I made good contact and sometimes good distance, but I had no idea where the ball would end up, all I knew was that it wasn't going to end up on the fairway. :)

Another first I had was driving a golf cart, Oh, now that was my favorite part of the day really, those things are just soooo much fun! S thought I was trying to kill him, but you don't know how to really drive something until you know how it handles right? Sorry S. :) Besides being WAY to cold out we had a really great day golfing, and I learned why people love it so much, it's very relaxing to be out there.

Another first happened the other day, I got to ride a go-cart for the first time! And let me tell you, as much as I fought driving it, I had a freakin blast!! I cornered that thing like it was on rails!! There was just something so soothing about speeding around that track out in the open country. I loved it and had so much fun, I actually took pictures of all of us out there, as soon as I get them off of my camera I'll have to post a few, it was great.

The same night as the go-cart extravaganza I got to use a chain saw for the first time, I didn't think there would be much to it, but it's amazing how much aggression you can get out of your system cutting stuff up! Don't worry no humans or animals were harmed in this experience, we cut fire wood, it was great!

New experiences are just like nothing I've never felt (duh, obviously), there is something about the excitement, or the learning that I just love so much! It's what I've been missing lately, new people, new excitement.

There are days I get so tired of being me, days I want to step away from myself and allow myself to do things I wouldn't normally do. I've been talking with B about setting boundaries before that kind of thrill seeking goes a bit too far, and I think she made many valid points. I think I know where to set my boundaries, at least in that realm of my life. :) Thanks B.

But really, there is no other greater feeling than something new, that's why people buy new cars, or build homes, or have so much fun with new friends, a new love! It's just the same with the small stuff, I'm telling you!

So the store has been pretty crazy this week, and while I may be exhausted, I'm so happy about it. I love this time of year when the weather breaks and things just start taking off. Graduation parties help, but even when those are out of the equation things have been good this week. Had the gas company not just punched me in the head for the next six months I'd be alright, but as always something came knocking me out of a good place. I'll just swallow it down and keep moving on like always, somehow, someway God keeps me going, he keeps giving me just enough to keep going.

So I made a girl cry last night apparently. And the horrible thing is......I don't care. She over heard a conversation and thought she heard something that I didn't say and was crying. I didn't say what she thought I said, I said worse. But it's nothing I wouldn't have said to her face had she asked, or had the conversation come up around her. I don't believe in stepping on eggshells for someone who is awful, she's a horrible worker and an annoying person. There people think I took on this job to make many times can a 31 year old male be friends, or would be friends with a 17 year old female and it not end up in the news somehow? I have enough friends, I don't require to make VERY young friends at work. That's why I keep my private life, private. If I wouldn't talk to them outside of the store, why would I fill them in on what's happening with my life?

The conversation she thought she heard was that I was telling another crew member I wanted to fire her. Now I stopped doing this years ago because I don't have the authority to fire ANYONE there, so I stopped saying it. So this was not true. What I DID say was that I never would have hired her back in the first place. She was a HORRIBLE employee the first time, why would we hire her back? And yet we did. We could hire a chimp to do her job faster and better. 2 hours to do the close...2 HOURS!!! A new person could have the whole place clean in 45 minutes without training. And she wonders why I don't like her. It's nothing personal, I don't like her enough to care about her personally. My job is to get her to get her work done faster and better, and she's a lost cause.

I had yelled at her five times last night to get off her ass and get to work. Every time I turned around she was standing around talking, or staring off into space, or doing anything other than what she was supposed to be doing. And I hurt her feelings? Where do the feelings come from? I don't get paid to baby employees, it only makes my job harder. If you can't do the job, quit, please, by all means make my night better and quit. I could have done her job AND mine and been out of there faster. I'm sorry, if you can talk like you're old enough to take care of yourself, then PLEASE DO!! Other wise, shut up and get your shit done.

I can only be nice about this stuff for so long, but when you've been doing the SAME job for over a year and you still don't get it? I lose my patience, learn to deal with it, that's who I am. If you are nice, and I can tell you're really trying, I'll cut you more slack than anyone will know what to do with, but if you're just plain lazy, sorry, you're out of here.

Wow, don't I sound like a heartless bastard, but lets be honest, we've all had rough days, but after a year and you still can't do the job? Any where else in the world and you would be out of a job. I don't like making people cry, but sometimes it's just a part of life, you think Wendy's is hard? Wait until you get a harder job with meaner people. It took me many years of supervisor positions to let it all go and just do what I'm being paid for, if that makes me a hard ass, well guess I'm a hard ass.

Well now that that's out of my system, I can move on with my night. Not sure what's going on, all I know is it won't be a late night (famous last words) I've been running on 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night and I'm getting tired. It's been a LONG week.

have a good one.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A lot of firsts

O.K. it's been a week of firsts for me, I would love to post this on my other blog, but there are things I don't want people to identify me with, a part of me feels ashamed, but another part of me is o.k. with it all.

No I didn't turn into a man whore over night (although in other circumstances......) This past week I went golfing for the first time, which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. 31 years and I had never gone golfing, it was a good time and I really enjoyed it.

I drove a golf cart for the first time. I have ridden in them before but the people I was with enjoyed driving it so much I just let them, it meant more to them than it did to me at the time. It seems so silly, but there are so many simple things I've never experienced.

Tonight for the first time I got talked into a go-cart. I've never driven one because my size has always shyed me away from things like this, but tonight I did it. I had a blast. Things like this are so simple......and yet brought me such joy.

The other first I had this week is one that will bring general disappointment from a certain person that reads this blog. Friday night was the first time I tried pot. I'm 31 and I had never done anything like it, I never let myself do anything like that. At that moment I caved, I let go of everything I thought about myself and lived in the moment. I have been thinking about it for years, and I thought I would be so riddled with guilt, but you know what? I'm glad I tried it. I don't feel bad like I thought I would, I only feel like I've let a few others down.

It's not anything I would make a life of, not something I would do everyday, but at that moment, I just felt as if I wanted to. No one pressured me, no one forced me, it was an adult decision. At that moment I felt like I stepped out of my skin, not after the pot but as I reached for it. I felt like I was finally being crazy and wild, like it was supposed to fill some void in my life. It didn't fill that void, a part of me never thought it would, but I'm glad I tried it, I can say I tried it and the only thing that came from it was my thighs tingled. How weird huh? Sounds pretty perverted, and to be honest, when I told the people around me that, it was partly fueled by perverse thoughts, but hey, I'm a 31 year old single guy, what isn't perverse?

Anyway, I'm getting tired now, this blog probably made no sense, but I had to say it and alcohol helps me say the things I don't normally say.

I hope the person out there that I feel would be disappointed by me for this can see past it.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Good things

I usually fill this blog with sad and depressing things, but this entry is going to be good, nothing but good!!!

So today F called me to tell me he was looking at his beautiful baby girl named Carris (not sure of the spelling yet). But yeah!!!! She came a few days early but I've never heard him happier, I just can't wait to see her! 8lbs. and some change and 19" long! I just can't wait!!!!!!! I love being fun uncle Pete!! Woot!!!! As much as I don't like children for a good 10 years of their lives I really love it when babies are born, they are so tiny and just so darn cute!!

Last night I had a GREAT night! Had some good food, good neighbors and just had a merry old time!!! I was at the neighbors, and while I stayed up WAY past any person's reasonable bedtime and I'm paying for it today, but I had such a great time! It was the perfect ending to a very odd day (mentally--side note: when you have an anxiety disorder, do NOT drink energy drinks!) There are so many things that I could talk about, but I really don't think I want to tell the world exactly, they aren't all stories everyone would understand. :)

I was also invited to attend a 40th. birthday part for my friend's husband, it was last minute and I won't be able to go, but the interesting thing was what he wanted to do for his birthday. He wanted all the guests for the party to meet at their house and all drive down to the mission and volunteer for 4 hours to serve lunch to the homeless. I thought that was the coolest thing! He's quite the stand up guy to begin with but this really put him over the top in my book. I really wish I could join them tomorrow, but we're having our end of the season bowling party tomorrow and I, yes I will be on the .......ready for it? course.

Yes I'm going to go golfing for the first time ever. I doubt I'll do much golfing, but they all swear I'm learning....we'll see how that goes. And then we're coming back here for a bar-b-que blow out, depending on weather of course. : )

Well that's really all I wanted to say, it just felt good to be able to do an entire entry on good things! Woot!

Have a great weekend!!!

Friday, May 16, 2008

I want to comfort you

I see you sitting there hurting, I hear the pain in your voice and I want to comfort you.

You tell me about your home life and the messed up situation you find yourself in every day, not wanting to go home, not wanting to be with your family.

I see how you were hurt by her, I listen and care

I care......I care too much I think. I can't hold you, I can't tell you it's going to be alright, I can't say the things I want to say....I can't because you would never look at me the same.

I want to hold you and tell you that you are beautiful, I want to tell you how funny and wonderful you are, how you bring a smile to my face just by the thought of you. Not because I enjoy staring at you, but because I enjoy spending time with you.

I don't normally spend an extra 1/2 hour chatting with crew members after the store is closed, I don't normally care about what's going on in their private lives....but are are different to me......I actually like you.

A different time and a different situation I could love you, I could love you like you deserve. I could hold you and tell you how much I care for you, how much you mean to me. But in this time in this situation, it would only cause harm. This is not a conversation to have with you, these are not things guys you know say to one another.

So I give cliche advice, I say the things I hate to say, the things I always hated hearing, and yet they come spewing out of my mouth, I just can't help it. I try to stop them or rephrase them in a way that you'll know I care about you and what you are talking about, but I can't get too close. If I get any closer and this becomes very unhealthy.

I must either find a way to put you in a friend frame of mind or I have to lose you totally, and that I just could not bear, I care too much about you. Not as a cute boy, but as a human being.

When will my mind allow that? When will my mind allow me to draw that line. But in a few months you'll move on with your life and forget me totally, and yet there is something about you that I will not be able to shake, something I can't forget, and something I'm going to miss terribly when you're out taking the world by storm.

It is you I want to comfort, you I want to hold, and you I want to love.

Monday, May 12, 2008

My blog entry on myspace

I'm starting to think I should just call this "Weekend updates with Pete" But nah, eventually I'll have the time to write other things when they are in my head, not a week later when I've forgotten some valid points! ;)

Friday was rather dull, but it was nice. Spent some time with the neighbors and had some good conversations regarding business and family and connecting the two or disconnecting the two, whichever the case may be. But it was good.

Saturday was a long boring day here with everyone busy except me. :( But I did alright, then off to work and then off to clean and then back home to watch six feet under some more.

Sunday was church, dinner with my mother and family, watching more six feet under, and then dinner with my grandma and the whole family. It was a good time. It seems it's the time for medical problems in my family, everyone seems to be going through something. It's pretty scary to listen to the lists of meds everyone is on, I'm not sure I want that kind of life, but I guess if they extend your life then there's something to be said for that too. ; )

After I got home I finished watching the final seasons of Six Feet Under. The show is amazing, it's taken me months to get through all five seasons, but I love it, I really really love it. I look back at some of my favorite shows and they all deal with death. It's kind of freaky really considering I fear death. Usually when I fear something I push it out of my mind, but when it comes to death I seem to be fascinated by it all, I like to see every angle, hear every view and get all the different takes on the whole situation. It's very strange for me.

The show is just amazing in the character developments, the story line and the interactions of the characters, I find myself hopelessly falling into the character trap. I get so involved in these characters, like they are part of my life, they seep into my dreams and I think about them when I'm not watching the show and I try to analyze everything as if it's real life. I'm not sure if that makes a freak or makes me normal. Either way it's really good writing. Anyone that hasn't seen to show really needs to. The end is something I've been waiting to see since the finale aired back in 06 I think. I've waited a long time and it was worth the wait.

At the end of the show I was so mad at the ending thinking it was just awful, like they had murdered these people, but the more I thought of it the more I realized it was total closure. I'll try not to spoil the ending, but it was more closure than I'm ever used to, to be honest it was depressing and yet refreshing.

Wow, enough about t.v.! Lets see......I finished my kitchen finally and I'm very happy at the results, it's just fantastic, every square inch of it!! And funny enough it was 1/4 of the price of the first kitchen! Who would have thunk it!!! I'll try to add them to my slide show eventually, you know, when I get some time to devote to that project!!

I've spent the day going back and forth about the rental space in the back, I have someone interested in renting it, but it will cost me a small fortune to get the building ready for him, and I have a current renter considering expansion to take up that space. I've got plans drawn for each scenario, but not sure how it's going to go. It's a constant battle in my head about who's going to win the space. Oh what a problem to have huh?

So anyway I'm enrolling this week into an online college. Yes, more education for me! :) It's a short class I need to take to take the test to be a licensed insurance agent. I have been working with a company to get this done so with any hope I can make enough income to quit my other two jobs and just do the store and insurance. This is not an over night decision, as with everything else I've been thinking about it and dragging out the decision for almost a year. I've been praying about it and really think this is what I need right now, it is the best chance I have to leave the other two jobs that are driving me insane. It will also allow me time to pursue other interests, you know, like making my store make me some money? yeah, that would be nice. : )

So anyway, there isn't that much to say really, so that's all for now, just thought I would update people and let them know I'm still alive and kicking!!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Random Thoughts

So have you ever read a blog of someone who was a friend of a friend of a friend....and realize how similar the two of you think, even though you've never met, you've never talked, or emailed or even known about each other that long? I'm just simply amazed.

The notice I find is that he's actually able to verbalize/ put into words the way I feel somedays. It's very strange to me as I read these other blogs how as I read them I'm shaking my head, or thinking "That's exactly how I feel and I couldn't have said it that way" I wonder through thinking what am I doing writing a blog? There are so many good blogs out there. They have substance, they use great vocabulary, they are about things that mean something, they all have such deep thoughts in them, and I wonder when in the hell will I be able to come up with that stuff?

Is it that my mind is just too simple? Is it the lack of conversational skills? Is it a lack of education (although I have a student loan bill that begs to differ on that one) I just feel so inept sometimes. I get the feeling like if I told people of this blog and brought more people I would somehow be looked down upon and judged because I don't have a great vocabulary, or I don't write that means much to anyone, I guess I just feel dumb. How many times can I write about how tired I am? How many times will people read about the latest drama at Wendy's? I just feel so dumb most of the time I'm not sure what to do.

I think my life just doesn't have the right amount of adventure, I guess after 30 life starts to slow down and it's driving me crazy. But then again as you get to thirty you're supposed to be married with children right? I guess that's where I screwed up. I'm not nearly ready for anything resembling marriage, and I don't ever see me being ready for children, I just want to stay young, go on adventures and get crazy from time to time.

Oh wow, is this what a mid life crisis is like? I'm hoping by the end of the year to finally have the time to be able to shake things up from time to time. Oh I need to go out and have a wild time, but I'll need someone with ideas and someone that drives the crazy out of me. There aren't a lot of people that can do that, who's up for the challenge? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? bueller?.........yeah I was afraid of that.

Lets go get a hotel room in some downtown and bar hop and just get wild! Lets dance down the street, lets talk to random strangers in stores, lets laugh until we can't breath, lets....I don't know, I just want to get out of my skin for awhile, I want to let my hair down, I want to meet some new people, have new interesting conversations that don't involve the weather, I want to go get my ear pierced, I want to get a tatoo, lets dye out hair blue and go out and pretend to be German punk rockers on an exchange program!

Oh who am I kidding, I'm one of the most responsible boring people I know, it's not going to happen.

I'm not all that sad or depressed I just feel like there is so much missing right now and I'm not sure what it is or how to get it, you know? I read mundane things about other people's lives and they sound so exciting.

All right, I just took my zanex, I was visualizing throwing this little girl and her grumpy older sister through my plate glass window. I should be better in about 15 minutes.

Alright, that's all for me, I should just stop, this blog really doesn't say anything anyway. Have a great weekend!

Myspace blog

Well it's been five months since my last update so I thought I would update everyone on what's happening here at the store. Not much really.

Tax season is over and Hoop's accounting had a record year, he's very happy that he's moved in and will be around all year round!

Studio South is doing well and growing, they hired their fourth stylist, so give them a call and let them transfrom you! 419-592-1012, any of the girls can help you, they all do such a wonderful job!

Since the update we have welcomed another renter into the Mohring's building. AFLAC. My neighbors moved their office from Toledo into a nice little space next to the beauty shop and have been quite happy. It has been nearly three months since their arrival and the space is beautiful! If any of you are interested in carrying AFLAC for yourself, your family or the company you work for let me know. In the next two months I will be becoming a licenced insurance agent and joining the AFLAC team to supplement my income and I look forward to a new challenge. Give me a month or two and give me a call and I will be able to set you up with whatever you may need.

We are still meeting with one more possible renter and discussing renovation plans/ expansion possibilities with a couple of people so things are pretty up in the air right now with the remaining space of the store. We have completed the renovation on the new kitchen and it works quite well and is a great space to be in. In another few more years this place may be just what I wanted. :)

Sales are sluggish, but so is the economy. I just broke my catering record by doing a funeral for 325 people. No job is too big or too small, bring them on as I love doing the trays.

We have some outside work that's finally going to be getting done this year, some basic building maintance but it should help the outside of the building. The girls in the beauty shop will be installing a new sign on the corner and will be painting the outside of their space, it should be really nice.

We in the building are trying to plan a big chirstmas open house to invite the general public in and view what's here. We have so many services and people still don't realize we're here, it's sad really. With the price of gas the way it is, you could still drive across town and buy your deli meats and cheeses to pack for lunch, and STILL SAVE MONEY!!! I just wish people would realize that.

Other than that there hasn't been much time for anything else.
Stop in and see me sometime!!


Yes, what a crazy word huh? But I'm so filled with it right now I could just explode. I get myself so worked up at times and I think......"It's no wonder this is one of the seven deadly sins"

I know, weird thoughts at times, that's me!

As I sat next to him....talking to him.....he thought I was listening, but all I could do was stare at his lips and think......"One more drink and I'm going to make out with him"

I just wanted to grab him and make out like a mad man, but that's not who I am. I'm an internal creature, the life I lead in my head is way crazier than the life I live on the outside. If people could really see inside of my head I'd have to card them. :)

I'm reaching a point where if I don't get to touch someone, or kiss someone I'm going to just go crazy. I'm not talking erotic touch, I'm just simply talking about holding hands, or leaving my hands on a chest, something, anything.

Last night a guy at work tried freaking one of our coworkers out by grabbing my hand and interlocking our fingers and holding my hand. It worked, they freaked out, he laughed, and I laughed on the outside, but on the inside it felt so wonderful, it felt so great, it felt right. Not with him, but just in general.

I need sleep.

Lost in emotion

I feel like I'm trapped right now, trapped in the center of a vortex of emotion. So much bitterness and anger and despair around me, mixed in with my own feelings of everything. I'm not sad, and yet I'm sad, I'm not angry and yet I am angry, just everything swallowing me whole and yet leaving me on the outside to watch everything. I feel like there is nothing I can do for the people around me, I watch them in pain and sorrow and despair and there is nothing I can do. At the same time I'm going through the same emotions and there is nothing anyone else can do and it freaks me out at times. I just haven't been sleeping and I need to change that.

Change is on the horizon, changes I'm making for myself, to better me and my life, to get back the life I once thought I had. I'm not sure it will work out, I'm not sure it is the clear answer, but nothing I have ever done has seemed clear, and yet here I am, still on an adventure every day. This could change my life, or it could just be another piece to the puzzle, I'm unsure of the future and it's scary as hell.

But every new decision is, only time will tell, but I know that with God, anything is possible. :)

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A good weekend

So I actually had a good weekend, for once it was filled with laughter and goodness and relaxation, I love every minute of it! I know, strange feeling huh?

Friday I went off and shopped for my basic necessities like soap and shaving cream and such and realized how crazy Wal-Mart is on a Friday night. I figured I'd be safe because I thought maybe people had lives and wouldn't be at Wal-Mart on a Friday night, but obviously I was wrong, it was filled with every age of idiot known to man. I guess I have to include myself in there as I was there on a Friday night. But I found what I needed and ran off out of there. I finally got home and relaxed, had an evening of watching Six Feet Under, no house plans, no cleaning, nothing but me, a couple of snacks and relaxing, it was good.

Saturday I got up and took a shower and started the day without stress. I had the store covered for the day so I didn't have to help customers, didn't answer the phone, it was great. I helped set up for the diaper party, then the guest began to arrive and the fun began. All day I had such a great time, catching up with some old friends and enjoying not answering every bell and ring of a buzzer. One of my dearest friend's from Missouri stopped in with the family and I got to play cornhole with my godson and his little sister, I had such a great time. I don't get to see them often so I try to make the best of every moment with them. He remembered me and kept dancing around because he was so excited to see me, it just melted my heart. There is nothing like the hug of a 3 year old to make you turn to a puddle of happiness.

As they were getting ready to head back to her dad's I loaded the kids up with tons of candy, because if your godfather owns a candy store, there are certain things you are expected to receive right? :) It feels good to spoil them from time to time, I don't have much, but what I have I want to share with them. Then I was back to the party, I had such a wonderful time. It's been so long since I've got to enjoy a party at my house, it's a feeling I'm not sure anyone can fully understand until they've lived my life for the last 2 1/2 years.

As the party came to an end I hung out with some stragglers and then S and I headed to my friend's dad's house to visit, I was in rare form thanks to some wonderful adult beverages. :) Eventually we got tired and S dropped me off at home and I crashed, it was great.

Sunday S and I went on an adventure to find a van he was supposed to pick up, we finally found it, had lunch and headed back to our friend's dad house. We played some wonderful games of cornhole, which I finally improved on after three games or so and then the kids woke up from their naps and I began to wrestle with my godson. That kid has energy like I've never seen and we had such a great time. I pulled muscles I didn't even know I had, to hear that laughter and giggling I just didn't want to stop, but I'm much older than I remember and got worn out quickly. We had pizza for supper and spent more time catching up. The evening was stopped by her father not being able to breath and them rushing him to the hospital. I kept the kids entertained in the front of the house so they wouldn't have to watch him get loaded up and rushed off, they are too young to see that sort of stuff. I'm still not sure what happened as I haven't been in touch with her to find out what happened, I need to call tomorrow and find out what happened.

Monday was filled with trying to complete a GIANT order I had to get done and it took all freakin day and most of the night. Even after working job #2 I had to come back and finish quite a bit of work and was up until nearly 3am working, then was up this morning early to finish the work. It's been a long day and I've been fighting falling asleep all day, but we got slammed tonight at work and somewhere I found some good energy and now I'm just coming down from my high.

It's been pretty crazy lately, filled with ups and downs, but I'm making it, as long as I can stay focused. On an really great note the kitchen is DONE! There are a few more details I have to get and do and install, but I've been using it and I'm totally in LOVE with the space, it's everything I imagined and MORE!!! Woot! I'll have to get the pictures ready and posted, I'm very excited about the whole space and so glad it's done!!! Now on to other projects until I figure out the final details of the kitchen!! Woohoo!!

Well that's about all for now, just wanted to catch everyone up on the goings on in my life. : ) I know, you were on pins and needles just waiting. :)

Have a good day.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Random story

I've been sitting here the last few days thinking about what to blog about when this random story popped into my head.

I believe it was about 10 years ago, the actual year escapes me at the moment and it's not really important, but I think it was the "year of change" as I call it. I had decided during that year to start my life over, to move away and do the things I always wanted to do, to let the past go and move forward. I came to this conclusion through many physical signs and much, much prayer, and everything seemed to be leading me this way.

I had promised God that if he saw me through this time that when I started over I would start over as a straight man, to give up all impure thoughts towards men and rid myself of all gay items in my life. I'm no puritan, I had "stuff", stuff that for my own comfort I will not list here, but I remember them vividly, nothing exotic or strange, simple things like ads I found, gay articles, and playing cards with really hot men on them, things I kept in a box that was locked and burried in the back corner of my closet, my safe place to keep those things that portrayed an evil and dirty life in my mind, a shameful place.

So one afternoon I took the box and snuck out of the house, I was living with my parents at the time, and drove out to a friend's property several miles away. The whole way there I had second thoughts, I was battling with myself of who I was and who I thought everyone wanted me to be, I prayed for strength to start over, for God to guide me to path of forgiveness that he would love me like all of his other children, to grant me a life of normality and a life to make my family proud. I found the strength to get to the property and took my box of evil and approached the fire pit.

I sat down in the grass next to the pit and laid my box inside of it and placed curled newspaper around it. I opened the box for the last time and placed inside of it a small amount of lighter fluid and lit the match and threw it in. There I sat in the wet late morning grass in the middle of the country with no one around and cried my eyes out. I sobbed as I prayed for God to guide to the right life, to guide me to be the person he wanted me to be. I now look back and think part of why I was crying so hard is because I watched that part of who I am go up in flames, flames of shame and hatefullness.

I watched as that part of me burned to nothing but ashes, I scattered them around to make sure there was nothing left that would be evidence for my buddy to find and start asking questions, I wanted nothing left behind, I wanted to clean my soul. I sat there and stared at the ashes, knowing that this wouldn't go away, that this is not something I could just burn up and move on from, that this was truly who I was and no bonfire would be enough to cleanse me from these impure thoughts. I continued to pray for hours afterwards begging God to help me, to show me the way, to let me know I did the right thing and that I would continue to do the right thing, to send me some sort of sign that this was what I was to be.

I went off to college that fall and moved away from everything I knew, everything that was familiar and comfortable, I was thinking I could surely begin a new there. I was so wrong.

Everyday was like the old days, filled with impure thoughts, hidden desires and more hiding. I battled more and more through college, slipping and caving to these thoughts and desires, but not in a physical way, but finding people online and talking, being who I really was, and sometimes who I wished I was. Some people knew me as the fat hardworking shameful gay man looking for help, support and guidance. Others knew me as a 6 foot tall blonde hair green eyed stud of a man with a surfer body who just wanted to hear good things about himself. I was emotionally a wreck. I did have great people around me, but they were people who didn't really know me, people that still don't know me. Out of all the people I met and befriended up there I have only come out to one of them. To be honest, it's probably the only one that really mattered, a real friend, the one I actually truly cared about. Not in that way, but in a human way, in a way I really truly needed. He was the kind of roommate I had always envisioned, we shared stories and knew about each other (well at the time not everything) But we formed a friendship that really mattered, one that I still have to this day.

But anyway, that went off topic. My senior year in college, after this friend moved away I was with a new roommate that was really nice and cute I must say. We didn't really bond or form that great of a friendship, to be honest I'm amazed he agreed to be my roommate, we just weren't alike, but somehow we formed a decent relationship. but anyway, that was also off topic. It was in that year that I was dating the straight love of my life, she was wonderful, but I could never grasp the idea of us forever, because lets face it, I was/am gay. I battled with that something fierce during that time, trying to push it out of my head and trying to move forward with what I thought would be so right for me. But looking back I know it wasn't right, in away. We weren't matched educationally, we weren't matched emotionally, and not matched age wise either, but we loved each other. I still love her, but at night I spent the time talking to Danny, a guy I met online that lived about 1/2 hour from my apartment.

It was the first time that I was myself, we traded pictures, we traded stories and we really got to know one another. I honestly felt like we could have been a couple, and yet I always made excuses to not meet him. We talked on the phone, we emailed, we chatted, it was wonderful, and then "she" would call and I'd feel awful, I'd feel dirty like I had been cheating on her, which I know I was emotionally. Finally he was putting more and more pressure on me to meet him, and I broke it off with him. I told him I wasn't ready and it wasn't what I wanted, I was going to marry "her" and live my life. I thought he'd laugh, but he didn't, he wasn't that kind of guy. I could hear the sadness in his voice as he told me he understood, but if I changed my mind I should call him.

I now look back and think part of the pressure was to get me into bed, which to be honest, I should have jumped at the chance.....he was HOT!!!! and for some reason he found me to be attractive also. I spent the first few months of talking trying to scare him off, but he kept asking more. I knew deep down inside that I could never have that type of relationship with a woman. The things we talked about, how comfortable he made me feel with myself and about myself, it was all just too good to be true. He was smart, caring, sensitive and a musician to boot! I still to this day wish I had met him, but I didn't want to be a cheater. I still have his website saved on my computer, I visit there from time to time to check up on him and listen to his latest stuff and revisit those feelings I felt. To remember what it was like to feel wanted.

After I broke it off with him before really giving him a chance, I decided to redevote myself to "her". I took all items off my computer from him, all my messages, all his pictures....anything relating to this part of my life. I still regret it. But I decided then I would marry her and start a new life with her. I had made up my mind to repair our "broken" relationship and make things right again. It was a few weeks later that I got back into town and went to talk to her. This is when she told me she needed space, she needed time away from me to think things through.

It was nearly three years before we spoke again. Then it was another three before we spoke a second time. It was six years before I let her go, before I put her out of my mind and really accepted who I am. It was this last time seeing her that I was really happy to see her again, it was strange sure, I wanted to tell her, but at the time I hadn't told a soul.

I still find myself crying at times begging God to show me the way, to forgive me for being gay, to let me be who I am. Most of me believes I am God's child, that he loves me for who I am, and would condemn me for loving another person, for living a christian life with another man. That part of me prays for the strength to tell more people to let myself free of this pain, to let it all go and let God show me the way. The other part of me is still ashamed, praying for God's forgiveness and to show me the way to happiness, to let me be straight and start over. A part of me that still wants to burn my soul clean like I thought I could do that day, that just by getting rid of these physical things would cure my soul and allow me to be a true God fearing Christian.

I feel so messed up at times.