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Showing posts from February, 2011

On the tail of yesterday's post

I've been starting to feel a draw to something. I have yet to figure out what it is, but I can see a path being developed in front of me. A path that can be part of a solution for many of the things I have on the back burner simmering right now. Perhaps the reason they are on the back burner is because God is waiting for me to sort through it and recognize the path infront of me and decide the path is in my best interest and for me to realize that the reward is going to be worth the bumpy road ahead. Like I said, I don't know where it's leading to, I don't know what's all involved yet, but I feel my heart being tugged towards something, and that right now is enough to give me hope. The only thing I know is where I think it's leading me to, could radically change my life for the better, a life I never imagined even a few years ago. I will continue to sort through all this as I try to get that path in front of me to focus a little more.

Simmering on the back burner

So there has been a topic on my mind quite a bit lately. I keep pushing it to the back burner to simmer and conjure up some more thoughts and maybe even an action plan. It's so heavy though that I can't look directly at it as one whole piece, I really need to break it up otherwise I get so overwhelmed I lose all hope. The big topic is this: "What's it all about?" We got a new manager at work who is trying to settle in and trying to find ways to motivate us and so she sent out an email with a suggestion. Bring in a picture of the reason you get out of bed in the morning. A picture of your kids, your husband or wife, your boyfriend/girl friend, etc... It's a good tool, it's a way to get us to personalize our spaces. Most people look like they live in their cubes already....except me. I have nothing personal at my cube, nothing personal in the drawers, just nothing personal. It really made me sit down and think....What is it that gets me out of bed in

I feel like I'm ready.

Lately I've been feeling this need to help, this need to play a supporting role, this need to take care of people. I've learned I enjoy cooking when there is someone to cook for, I enjoy keeping a house clean when someone else is living in it (for the most part o.k., I'm still working on being observant of the messes I can leave in my trail. lol.) A thought occurred to me one Tuesday on my day off as I was folding some laundry and dinner was cooking and I was getting things in order.....I could really enjoy being a kept man. Sure it would get boring after awhile, I would need to work at least part time, but I enjoy these things. I really enjoy being in a supporting role. I can still lead when the need arises, but there is a part of me that wants to take care of someone. I realize it opens an entirely different can of worms of being taken advantage of, or being too passive, or whatever else haters want to refer to it as, but there is a part of me that enjoys it and would

a cheater post

I call it a cheater post because I want to repost my roommies blog because so much of it rings true to me at this point. from study in Contradiction : Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community. So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group. I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there. It all sounds so sexy doesn't it? Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs. ... There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups

I wonder....

So lately I've been picking things up in conversations and something came across my mind.... Many times in many conversations with many different types of people when someone is excited about something or talks a lot about something many people perceive them as "fake" or getting excited just for the sake of getting excited. The pessimism is astounding, and not just from other people, I find myself doing the same thing. It could be about music, or their job, or religion, or anything really. I wonder sometimes if we are so pessimistic and assume fakeness because we don't have something to be so passionate about? Many people become so passionate about things that their bodies and their minds just exude passion for whatever that topic may be. Could it really be that the observers just don't understand it because we don't have a similar passion in our lives? What are you passionate about? Are you so passionate that people could think you're being fake about

Crazy Dream

I had a pretty horrific and crazy dream last night that I must share, I don't know why, perhaps just so I'll remember it. The dream revolved around my dad's family which we don't speak to much anymore. My grandparents have both passed but they were alive and well in my dream. One thing I should mention is when I was a very small child my grandpa fell down a flight of stairs, the doctors didn't really know what all happened but his speech was affected so most of my life grandpa didn't talk much and was a little hard to understand. In my dream grandpa fell again and it corrected his speech and somehow took 20 years off his face, he looked like he did in pictures I had seen. The down side to this fall is it created a split personality. The new personality was not so nice. I remember sitting in my grandparents dining room at some kind of family dinner, the room was a slightly different than what it was in real life, but I digress.....well I should mention the f

God's flashing neon bilboards

Recently my prayer concerns have all been about the same thing, they all involve my struggle with my current job. It's not a bad job, it pays the bills and I've done worse, but I couldn't wrap my head around it and prayed a lot asking God if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now, is this really what I need to be doing? I've been struggling and asking him for a sign, something big, bright with flashy lights on it so I might get it. All along it has been there, but it wasn't until tonight driving home from work that the answer just really hit me like a sock full of quarters unexpectedly when you turn a corner into a dark alley........too much? Anyway I normally browse the blogs in my reader with the exception of a couple that I faithfully read the moment something gets posted. I normally just browse the headings and mark all as read unless something stands out to me. For some reason when I was browsing the headings the other day one of the headings

January Good things

Jan. 1: slept in and didn't get out of my pajamas until well after noon. It was wonderful. Jan. 2: had a good relaxing day with the roommie and we even managed to be productive! Jan. 3: started the gym this morning, it was rough getting up, but felt good about the reason. Jan. 4: Got my room clean and laundry done and put away. It's a great thing and makes me feel good! Jan. 5: I got up this morning on my own and did a mile on my treadmill before work. Even having the chance to sleep in since we weren't going to the gym I got up anyway and got some cardio in before work. Seriously? What's up with that? lol. Jan. 6: Got to catch up with some coworkers today, it's a great group and makes the job feel less lonely, finally. Jan. 7: Had a good work out, it was really early, but it's feeling good to be taking care of myself. Jan. 8: Came home from work and laid on the couch for a few hours and did nothing. It felt good after a long day. Jan. 9: Had lunch with my Cinci