Tuesday, February 15, 2011

On the tail of yesterday's post

I've been starting to feel a draw to something. I have yet to figure out what it is, but I can see a path being developed in front of me. A path that can be part of a solution for many of the things I have on the back burner simmering right now. Perhaps the reason they are on the back burner is because God is waiting for me to sort through it and recognize the path infront of me and decide the path is in my best interest and for me to realize that the reward is going to be worth the bumpy road ahead.

Like I said, I don't know where it's leading to, I don't know what's all involved yet, but I feel my heart being tugged towards something, and that right now is enough to give me hope. The only thing I know is where I think it's leading me to, could radically change my life for the better, a life I never imagined even a few years ago. I will continue to sort through all this as I try to get that path in front of me to focus a little more.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Simmering on the back burner

So there has been a topic on my mind quite a bit lately. I keep pushing it to the back burner to simmer and conjure up some more thoughts and maybe even an action plan. It's so heavy though that I can't look directly at it as one whole piece, I really need to break it up otherwise I get so overwhelmed I lose all hope.

The big topic is this: "What's it all about?"

We got a new manager at work who is trying to settle in and trying to find ways to motivate us and so she sent out an email with a suggestion. Bring in a picture of the reason you get out of bed in the morning. A picture of your kids, your husband or wife, your boyfriend/girl friend, etc... It's a good tool, it's a way to get us to personalize our spaces. Most people look like they live in their cubes already....except me. I have nothing personal at my cube, nothing personal in the drawers, just nothing personal. It really made me sit down and think....What is it that gets me out of bed in the morning? My first thoughts: my alarm, my need to feel useful in society, my obligation to my job.....things like that.

It struck me as sad and pathetic and it's really been getting to me. It's not that I don't love my friends, it's not that I don't love my family, it's not that I don't love myself, but really, why is it I get out of bed everyday? What kind of picture can I put on my desk to represent why I get out of bed?

Saturday I went out with a good friend of mine and his brother and we had a discussion about some of their old neighbors and how so many of them worked for the weekend. They would come home day after day and sit in front of the t.v. and not do anything with their lives until the weekend when there was just other t.v. to watch or chores to get done outside. It dawned on me that I don't even live for the weekends because I don't do much then either.

It has continued to bother me. What exactly do I do everyday with my time? I get up, I go to work, I come home, have a meal and then watch t.v. until I feel it's appropriate to go to bed. Then I get up and do it all over again the next day. At work I sit there not talking to anyone around me because there isn't time to. I talk to people on the phone trying to sound interested when really these people are just calling to place the blame for their problems on someone else.

It really all is so drab and depressing when I think about it too much. I have long abandoned reading although I want to get myself to start reading more. I long abandoned any hobbies I once had. I just don't know what to do with myself so I end up watching t.v. and waiting to go to bed. Only I have the power to change it. Only I can convince myself to get off my butt and do something, but what? What is it I want to do? What is it that would keep me driven in my life? Where did my passion go?
Publish Post

Maybe it's temporary, but it feels like an epidemic. I'm not sure where to go with it, I'm not sure how to fix it yet, I don't even know where to start. Maybe this post was the start? Maybe putting these thoughts into words and making myself see them on the screen is the first step in fixing this situation. Or then again, maybe that's why it's on the back burner, to simmer it until all that is left is the solution.

So let me ask a question: Why do you get out of bed every morning? What keeps you going? Do you live for the weekend or how to do you try to live each day?

Friday, February 11, 2011

I feel like I'm ready.

Lately I've been feeling this need to help, this need to play a supporting role, this need to take care of people. I've learned I enjoy cooking when there is someone to cook for, I enjoy keeping a house clean when someone else is living in it (for the most part o.k., I'm still working on being observant of the messes I can leave in my trail. lol.)

A thought occurred to me one Tuesday on my day off as I was folding some laundry and dinner was cooking and I was getting things in order.....I could really enjoy being a kept man. Sure it would get boring after awhile, I would need to work at least part time, but I enjoy these things. I really enjoy being in a supporting role. I can still lead when the need arises, but there is a part of me that wants to take care of someone.

I realize it opens an entirely different can of worms of being taken advantage of, or being too passive, or whatever else haters want to refer to it as, but there is a part of me that enjoys it and would like to find a man who could appreciate it. I do have drive and ambition to achieve things in work and life in general, so maybe it's just a feeling of being ready for a relationship.

Having a roommate has been a great experience so far, I feel different living with someone else, I feel better, I feel like things aren't so hard all the time. Even just watching a movie or t.v. makes life seem so much better. I do still enjoy some time alone, but for the most part I enjoy the company, something I never thought would happen after living on my own for nearly 10 years.

It's a crazy thought process because of all the emotional baggage I need to unpack and burn in order to get to that stage of love, but now that I've slowly taken in the amount of baggage I've carried all these years, I think I'm ready to start sorting through it. It's going to get ugly and messy, but I'm ready to start taking steps towards it. Life is too short to spend so much time thinking about it, perhaps it's time to just start moving.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

a cheater post

I call it a cheater post because I want to repost my roommies blog because so much of it rings true to me at this point.

from study in Contradiction:

Lately I've felt totally incapable of human interaction. But I also recognize the giant red flag that is my constant withdrawing from human contact and any form of community.
So color me.....caught..... when our small group winter term launches and I begin looking for the safe bet of a learning group.
I feel comfortable and safe in a learning group. There's a defined topic of conversation and I can "brace" myself for the community that happens there.
It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?

Because sometimes I need to prepare for community. To make sure that all my ragged edges and ugly is contained and neatly tucked away in the darkest part of my heart. Which...yes, I realize is the opposite of what the actual point of community is but whatevs.

There's this standing apart I feel when I go to learning groups. I can cover myself in learning and studying that while on the surface it seems like I connect with others I don't really. I get to be the sometimes serious but mostly joking/ice breaking person. No one pushes this on me, it's my comfort zone.

But connecting groups. UGH. There is an open end of conversation, there is no one focus for the group other than connecting and having fun.
I mean, I'm sure they're awesome. I hear they're awesome. But I get so stressed about it because how do I plan witty things to say?! How do I know how to behave so I won't be the weird awkward girl?! What if I have to ask where the BATHROOM is?! ........

Those are a few sections of the blog, I didn't want to take them all because they didn't all pertain to me, but the idea is there. I feel like I've been a bit withdrawn lately, it seems the more I want the feeling of community the more I shy away from it. The more I say I'm ready for love, the more I withdraw away from anything and anyone that could lead to love. I'm not sure what it is about me and pulling the trigger on some areas of my life, but it's just who I am. I have spurts of confidence, moments of clarity where I am really myself striking up conversations with random strangers, but for the most part I curl up into a ball or fade into the surroundings hoping to be forgotten about and not noticed.

I'm just weird I guess. Just looking around to find a community I can feel comfortable in. I don't know where the thoughts are taking me or where this will all end up, but I feel like God is molding me slowly for the future.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I wonder....

So lately I've been picking things up in conversations and something came across my mind....

Many times in many conversations with many different types of people when someone is excited about something or talks a lot about something many people perceive them as "fake" or getting excited just for the sake of getting excited. The pessimism is astounding, and not just from other people, I find myself doing the same thing. It could be about music, or their job, or religion, or anything really. I wonder sometimes if we are so pessimistic and assume fakeness because we don't have something to be so passionate about?

Many people become so passionate about things that their bodies and their minds just exude passion for whatever that topic may be. Could it really be that the observers just don't understand it because we don't have a similar passion in our lives?

What are you passionate about? Are you so passionate that people could think you're being fake about it?


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Crazy Dream

I had a pretty horrific and crazy dream last night that I must share, I don't know why, perhaps just so I'll remember it.

The dream revolved around my dad's family which we don't speak to much anymore. My grandparents have both passed but they were alive and well in my dream. One thing I should mention is when I was a very small child my grandpa fell down a flight of stairs, the doctors didn't really know what all happened but his speech was affected so most of my life grandpa didn't talk much and was a little hard to understand.

In my dream grandpa fell again and it corrected his speech and somehow took 20 years off his face, he looked like he did in pictures I had seen. The down side to this fall is it created a split personality. The new personality was not so nice. I remember sitting in my grandparents dining room at some kind of family dinner, the room was a slightly different than what it was in real life, but I digress.....well I should mention the fantastic china hutch grandma had in the dream.....anyway.....Dinner was over and grandpa was getting up from the table and talking to me more than he ever could in real life, but we had a good conversation and grandma just smiled. He was kind of rude to everyone else in the dream but he was never rude to me, he would ask me how I was doing how life was treating me, etc...

Everything was all hunky dory but at some point when I went to the kitchen there was a situation in the living room where my grandpa was shoving around my grandmother, there were broken things and people screaming and I remember grandpa walking through the kitchen on his way out the door and just gave me this "Sorry kiddo, gotta run" kind of smile and headed out the back door.

I remember rushing to the living room, not seeing my grandma but feeling this overwhelming rush of sadness. Someone was holding up some of the things I remember from grandma's house and they were all broken and shattered and everyone was crying. This feeling of my grandma being hurt rushed over me and I was moved to tears. I suddenly became overwhelmed with anger and rushed to the garage to find my grandfather.

As I got outside he was gone but my uncle Mike was in there. Now keep in mind I haven't spoken to my ex uncle Mike in nearly 20 years and the uncle Mike in my dream was SSSOOOO hot, NOTHING like my real ex uncle. He told me that grandpa had headed down the road and he and somebody that I never identified in the dream were going out to beat the crap out him and jumped into a truck and backed out of the garage.

I walked back into the house and it was suddenly empty and I went into this room that didn't really exist in my grandparents house, but in my great aunt's house that was somehow part of my grandparents house in the dream and sat in grandma's old chair and tried to replay the events of the dream and feeling the anger rush through my veins at my grandpa.

I awoke from the dream in a panic tangled in my sheets from tossing and turning and for the first time ever was glad to remember that he had died so it all had to have been a dream. I remembering thinking how awful it felt to be glad to remember he was gone, but what a relief it felt at the same time.

I don't know what it means, and I'm not sure I want to know, all I know is that I shouldn't eat Applebees so close to bed time.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

God's flashing neon bilboards

Recently my prayer concerns have all been about the same thing, they all involve my struggle with my current job. It's not a bad job, it pays the bills and I've done worse, but I couldn't wrap my head around it and prayed a lot asking God if this is really where I'm supposed to be right now, is this really what I need to be doing? I've been struggling and asking him for a sign, something big, bright with flashy lights on it so I might get it.

All along it has been there, but it wasn't until tonight driving home from work that the answer just really hit me like a sock full of quarters unexpectedly when you turn a corner into a dark alley........too much?

Anyway I normally browse the blogs in my reader with the exception of a couple that I faithfully read the moment something gets posted. I normally just browse the headings and mark all as read unless something stands out to me. For some reason when I was browsing the headings the other day one of the headings called to me, I have no idea what made it jump out at me except maybe the force of God. The blog can be read here. SCL. For those of you that don't want to go read the blog post it is from Stuff Christians Like and talks about how impatient we get with God's plans and how we sometimes take matters into our own hands and leap without thinking about where we will land and so on and so forth. It really struck a chord with me.

Next was a conversation I overheard at work today. We have a temp supervisor while they train our new supervisor how we do our jobs (oh corporate America). The temp supervisor is an amazing person with a personality that could light a room up, but anyway I was on the phone and some girl from another department was over talking to him complaining about her job and the like and said the phrase "I didn't go to school and get a degree to answer phones." My supervisor changed his tone at that point and asked her if she thought she was the only one on the phones that had a college degree? He said the problem with her is that she'll answer phones until she gets tired of it and find another job in another company to complain about. I loved his comments, and then he continued....

"Take Pete over there as an example, he has a college degree he has a resume full of management experience as well, do you think he's happy taking calls? No, but he's going to do it, he's going to get to be the best and in a few months he'll move up and keep moving up until he finds something that he enjoys, or he will find what he's looking for somewhere else in the mean time, but he's not here complaining everyday about taking calls (he obviously doesn't hear me everyday. lol.) he does his work and has a goal, what's your goal?" She got quiet and then I didn't hear the rest of the conversation.

Sock full of quarters delivered to my face. I get it God, seriously I got it now. I am where I am for a reason right now and when the time is right something else will present it self and it will feel right and until that point I can't abandon this job. I have to work at it and play the game and see what it is that I need to be doing there. Perhaps it's not for me, perhaps I'm there to help someone else and who am I to stop that?

I promise God, I will be patient and not jump to any conclusions until I feel you pushing me there. Next time the neon lights would work, those socks full of quarters are really starting to hurt. ;)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

January Good things

Jan. 1: slept in and didn't get out of my pajamas until well after noon. It was wonderful.

Jan. 2: had a good relaxing day with the roommie and we even managed to be productive!

Jan. 3: started the gym this morning, it was rough getting up, but felt good about the reason.

Jan. 4: Got my room clean and laundry done and put away. It's a great thing and makes me feel good!

Jan. 5: I got up this morning on my own and did a mile on my treadmill before work. Even having the chance to sleep in since we weren't going to the gym I got up anyway and got some cardio in before work. Seriously? What's up with that? lol.

Jan. 6: Got to catch up with some coworkers today, it's a great group and makes the job feel less lonely, finally.

Jan. 7: Had a good work out, it was really early, but it's feeling good to be taking care of myself.

Jan. 8: Came home from work and laid on the couch for a few hours and did nothing. It felt good after a long day.

Jan. 9: Had lunch with my Cincinnati family today. It made me feel really good.

Jan. 10: Good workout today. That was the extent of good stuff. lol.

Jan. 11: Had a rough day, my good thing is having a roommate with such wisdom.

Jan 12: Made a great dinner, I never thought I would enjoy cooking as much as I do.

Jan. 13: Spent some time with the boys tonight building stronger friendships. It's not always easy, but it's a good not easy feeling. lol.

Jan. 14: Had a day that wasn't awful, something clicked in my head and made the day fly by.

Jan. 15: Spent some quality time with the boys tonight and enjoyed being out and about.

Jan. 16: Bought a new toy. A remote control helicopter, it's silly and ridiculous, but it's fun. lol.

Jan. 17: Left work early because I wasn't feeling well, but took a nap and felt a lot better.

Jan. 18: Pulled my head out of the sand for an issue that's been weighing me down. It's time to move past it and put it with the rest of the horrible store memories.

Jan. 19: It was a quiet day, it was good.

Jan. 20: Had Chipotle for supper tonight, not a great food choice, but so delicious.

Jan. 21: Had a night out with my Cincinnati family tonight and had a great night!

Jan. 22: Had an awesome night out at the drag show with some new friends and my awesome roommie!

Jan. 23: Good lazy day today barely moved off the couch after church.

Jan. 24: I'll be honest, the good thing for the day was getting up in time to work out. That's all. lol.

Jan. 25: Felt like I actually accomplished something today with the shelves in the laundry room.

Jan. 26: Compiled a list of doctors.......finally.

Jan. 27: stopped listening to the voices in my head long enough to hear God answering my most recent questions and understanding the answer. Funny how when you ask for neon signs from him you just don't stop long enough to notice them flashing brightly right in front of you.

Jan. 28: Long trying day but ended well with movie night with the boys. Just what I needed. If you haven't seen the movie "Red" I highly recommend it.

Jan. 29: Night out for a soccer game. Good times.

Jan. 30: Good sermon today and another relaxing day.

Jan. 31: Today was a good day at work, only one or two crazy calls and plenty of happy people. It's rare in this industry and well worth noting.