Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ah yes, another week

Yes, it's another week, filled with wonderment, craziness and exhaustion; and it's only Tuesday. :)

So this weekend was pretty normal. Friday night I went next door for a bar-b-que for the neighbor's birthday. It was a beautiful night, it was great weather, we sat outside and enjoyed the new fire pit and had a few adult beverages. We were up until nearly 1am talking religion. I learned more about the Jahova's witnesses (spelling doesn't count) and it was really good to see another view point. To me it's these other view points that can help strengthen my own, answer questions, or help me ask the right ones. I always had problems trying to think of the Holy Trinity being three in one, but now I think I get it, it felt good.

But anyway, on Saturday I worked, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I'll be happy when someday I can get out of there. I would just rather enjoy my weekends than have to work all the time, it gets old and I'm getting tired. After working job #2 I had to stop in and check up on job #3. The place wasn't a mess so I did what I had to and then came home to work on job #4. Finally about 3am I finally crashed.

Sunday I had dinner with the rents, went shopping for a few supplies to be able to finish this new kitchen of mine, met with my aunt to talk about the design of her pool cabana she wants to build, then went to supper with a friend, went to look at a new freezer (I should be picking up today, and not new, but new to me) and then finally got home to work more on job #4. Somedays I don't know which end is up and always have problems figuring out a priority list. I'm trying to fit ME into the priority list but I always seem to fall behind things like work, family and friends, and yet I spend most of my days feeling selfish, what is wrong with me? :)

So anyway, this weekend is the big 2-9-b. I mentioned to S the other day I feel like I'm having a midlife crisis, and if that's true, I'm not going to be living very long, and that's just sad. I just feel like the first thirty years have slipped by me. Why is it I can't just say that I'm happy with where I am right now? Why can't I think I've achieved anything? I've lived on my own for a better part of 13 years, made my own decisions, I got a great degree with a good grade point average, I have traveled more than many people ever do in a life time and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself thinking my life is over? What is up with that?

Someone asked the other day that if I was really ready to leave this place behind, what would I do next? And I honestly can't say right now. I really don't know. If I could get the financial end of this business to support me and I had time to do the things I wanted to do, I'm not sure I would be so unhappy. But today for instance I felt like a caged rat. I experience the great weather through the windows, or the distance from my car to the buildings at my various jobs, that's it. There are a few times like Friday where I really get to enjoy sitting outside and having a good time, I love the outdoors, I love to camp, and all the fun stuff, and yet I've gotten to do none of that since I bought this place, it makes me so sad.

As for what is happening for the big day this week, I'm not even sure anymore. I have to work all day Saturday, which is sad enough, and now I'm not sure if any of the plans are going to pan out. If I end up home alone on my birthday I'm going to be so sad, I'll probably drink myself into oblivion. My birthday has not been a big deal for longer than I can remember. I try to convince myself it's just another day, but then I'll be planning someone else a party, or doing something special for someone else's birthday and I begin to think, hmmm....what about mine?

What a whiner I am. :) But isn't this what a blog is for, to get these thoughts out of your head before they drive you crazy? yeah that's what I thought. :) I'm not sure what the big deal about turning 29b is, but for some reason it really is a big deal, I feel so much older than other years, how do I make it go away, or how do I make myself see the things I've done with my life are enough to feel like I've accomplished thins? That I've traveled as far as my budget would carry me.

I'm just not sure about this whole thing, but I'll take it in stride, just as well as I do everything else so have no fear!!

Well anyway, I'm going to end this now because I'm tired and having a hard time typing to keep up with my mind, so later all!

You're beautiful

Since the moment I met you I have found you so incredibly beautiful. From a distance I could only judge you on your body, each wonderful contour, each beautiful muscle, each and every thing about you I found so exciting. I noticed the way your neck flexed when you turned your body, the way the muscles in your back contracted as you stretched, I noticed your fingers as you talked, I watched your kissable lips move as you started to speak to me. The way your feet shift as you walk, the way you jeans form to your body as you walk. I noticed the way your legs were just perfect for your body, the way the hair on your legs was perfect coverage, the way your pecs stick out of your t-shirts, the way you rub your pecs as you talk drives me wild.

I noticed the nervous twitch you sometimes get in your eye that is just so cute, the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh, the way your eyes curl when you laugh and the way those adorable ears dance as you talk. The way your arms flex as you work in the yard, the way your ass shifts as you walk, the way it shifts when you shift your weight, the way it looks at any time. I noticed the perfect amount of hair on your chest when you're shirtless in the summer, the way it frames your chest as you breath. I noticed the hair that creates a wonderful trail down your body, only wishing I could follow it.

I noticed how strong you are when you put your arm around me, the shivers it sends down my spine as I feel your warmth against me. The way your fingers feel against my skin as you touch my arm, the way my heart starts beating faster as your bare leg touches mine by accident. I nearly faint when you're near me. As I watch you in those mesh shorts my mind begins to wonder into places I forget are there sometimes. I watch as your body moves in unison and melt in the wonderment it creates.

At many points in the time I've known you I would have given anything to be with you, to treat you any way you wanted, I would have done anything for you, just for you to be next to me in bed.

And then I got to know you. As I got to know the person on the inside it only became worse. My obsession became more than I could handle. You are kind, not in the way most people are, but in the way that I can tell you actually care. You are gentle, I notice in the way you handle your family, in the way you handle your friends, the way you live your daily life, and the way you handle me. You have found ways to make me feel like a live human being, like what I have to say is actually interesting. You make people feel wonderful, like they can do anything they put their minds to. The way you laugh and make me feel is something words can't describe. You are giving, you'd do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat, you seem to balance everything in your life in such a way no one feels neglected. I loved you, I began to love you for who you are and not just what I fantasized about on the outside.

But the more I got to know you the more I realized you could never love me the way I loved you, not because you aren't capable, but because it's not who you are. I could never change you as you could never change me. I have no idea what you would think if you were to find out who I really am, or how you might treat me differently, it pains me to think things would be different. I feel I've known you long enough and good enough that things wouldn't change at all, but I'm afraid to take that chance. I have moved beyond loving you as the person I want next to me in bed to a place where I truly love you as my friend. A friend that I can still fantasize about, but a friend I know that is not for me. But in figuring this out I have started to figure out what it is I look for in a man, the type of person I could really get to know. For this I feel lucky.

While I danced the line between fantasy and reality I learned, I do not feel hurt, as you have done nothing to ever hurt me. It was I that danced alone on this line between us, only I even know there is a line. It was during this dance I took a good look around and realized how much I love your family as well as you, how lucky you all are to be a family of such goodness. So I will stay on this side of the line, knowing you will never even see the line, or even notice the line exists. I will continue to dance in your beauty, to see things through your eyes, and to totally fantasize about you, but all the while knowing, it will never happen, and it's o.k. I'm really o.k. with this because you are truly a beautiful person, both inside and out, I don't feel lost without you, because I have you. I have you in the way it's meant to be, in a way that works for us, and I live in this place more happy than I have been in awhile.

You are truly beautiful.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A very long week.

I can't believe it's been so long since I've blogged! Only one person has said anything so I wonder how many people are still reading these things anyway. Oh well, as long as one is reading I'm happy to keep doing it, well it's not really for anyone else besides myself anyway. Did that sound selfish? hmmm.....: )

So last Sunday I ventured back up to Michigan to meet with my old bosses ex-wife. Wow, say that three times fast! It is really strange to think that of all the people I would be going to see in Michigan she would be one of them, but we always got along and after you spend five years with a family, including spending 50 hours a week in their home, you bond with people. She's a bit long winded, but we saw each other through some pretty shitty times, and we both had a common enemy, her husband/ my boss.

It was very strange to be going into that house again after nearly three years of being away from it all. I find it so hard to believe it's already been nearly three years since that part of my life. But anyway her mom (whom I always loved) was there so she could visit with me as well. The whole scene was just so surreal, that house, those people, even now it is tied up with so many strange memories. Seeing the front door of their house that I watched being slammed a thousand times in a fit of rage from my boss, or the kitchen drawer that he constantly ripped off and then threw across the room, or the basement door he broke off the hinges, and so on and so forth. I did finally get to see the finished basement, the original location of the office. The office as it was is now the master bedroom. My 'bat' cave of an office is now a closet, the time I spent in that room, the things that came to mind in that room, and to be honest, the experience I gained in that space is a part of who I am, and who I was.

That entire house just filled with memories, mostly horrible, but there were some good as well. I spent the day catching up with T and the kids. She made it clear when I got there that there was no Bob bashing in front of the kids, which I found very respectful. The kids have grown so much, the youngest looks anything but now, and they are just so much happier. The whole dynamic in that house is so different than it was just four years ago. He had such a huge impact on everyones lives, and not in a good way. With him now thousands of miles away everyone seems happier, the house feels different and I can honestly say I'm finally feeling different.

Sitting and talking to T all day was really more like therapy. After dinner we went to the family room without the kids and were able to discuss the past and present and the last few years and the things that her and kids have been through, and I got to talk about things that have run through my mind since then, and things I was thinking back then. I think we were both feeling better when we were done. I really don't know if I'll ever see them again, but I'm glad I saw them this time, I think I needed it. She also gave me the software I used to use at the office to help me with my current projects and while it's not the most current one, it is what I trained on and must say I enjoy the software tremendously and make my current project move much faster.

As I spent the day on the software it was weird, it was like I suddenly remembered how to be a home designer. I remembered what it was like to zone out of life for hours upon hours and get so much drawing done, how good it feels to see the plans done in front of me, to see my work being done and having the confidence I once had. I feel it suddenly coming back to me, like I remembered why I love that profession, and gives me a different feeling now. Like I've healed and can now get back to this and enjoy it again, to have the confidence of knowing what I'm doing and know that I do have a knack for it. All the while thankful for the 5 years of my life I spent in that office through hell and back learning all this.

It has helped me remember how good of a teacher Bob was, he's still an asshole and I won't forget that, but he was good at what he did, and taught me what I needed. I know there is more to learn, but I will get there. Something T said to me while we were talking about how he treated S. differently than me after I was gone, why she didn't have such horrible stories like I did and T looked at me and said: "He was always afraid of scaring her off like he did you and he saw in her what he saw in you" I just didn't know what to say. If that's really how he felt, why in the hell couldn't he say that once? Just once? But then again, why couldn't I just stand up for myself and tell him to shut the hell up?

So much of who I am now is because of that period of time, so much of who I aspire to be came out of that time period. So much good and so much bad all wrapped up in 5 years of my life, how does one process that? I'm getting there and I feel better than I have in years, but there are times I still get riled up about it. Oh well, time will heal the wounds.

So anyway, besides all of that the last week has just been insane. Every night I was either working, or working. I worked a lot at Wendy's last week, the one night I had off during the week I had a meeting to attend (my last one) and cleaning of the annex, so I still didn't get home until nearly midnight. I was so exhausted, and I was busy all week so it only compounded the feeling of despair by the end of the week and I was so happy when it was over. I had a good week sales wise, and hope the trend continues, I feel good about the progress of the building and I actually found myself asking myself this week: "Can I see myself seeing this store through to the end of the mortgage?" Now keep in mind that's nearly 17 more years. I was actually astonished that I thought about that, after the last six months of wishing I could drop the place and run like hell. I still don't know what's going to happen in the future.

To be honest the future tires me, and I find myself trying to stop thinking about the future and worry about the right here and right now. It seems to help me a bit to keep my mind focused on what I need to get done here right now, so I'm going to ride this wave for awhile. When I'm supposed to be done here I'll move on, but for now I have to concentrate on what has to be done now. The last six months have been filled with the "grass is always greener" syndrome and I just can't take it anymore. Always questioning and wondering is enough to drive a man insane!

So Saturday finally came along and I was feeling good about myself, my store and my life. The neighbors spent quite a bit of time over here on Saturday and made me feel good, they are such great people, have I mentioned before that I love my neighbors? To make things even better F came up to visit too, I've missed F. We don't get to visit much anymore so I was very happy he spent some time up here with me. Then after I closed we went next door and continued our good times at their house. I got home and fell asleep in my chair. I woke up about 6am with a neck soarer than I have ever had. I took some tylenol and went to my bedroom and crashed.

I got up today and went to lunch with my rents and g-ma and my aunt. My poor aunt who has lost her husband and had to fight cancer by herself in the last 12 months decided to move back to Ohio. She has bought a house and was going to return to NJ to finish packing and getting things done on that end, and on her way out to her van to leave she fell and broke her ankle. So she is here for several more weeks, and was has surprised her is she is suddenly feeling home sick for her home in New Jersey. I don't think she was expecting that. She's always talked about coming home, but now that she is I think she's getting cold feet. I think she's now suffering from the "grass is always greener" syndrome I myself just battled with. She's a trooper and she's going to get through this, I know she will.

So why is it that damn syndrome hits people so hard? Why is it we just can't make our decisions and stick to them and feel good about them? I guess it's just human nature to always wonder what the other side is like, the what if's in life. I see it everyday and just don't know the answer or the antidote for the situation. When will it ever be enough? I battle with it because I think a lot of it is the idea or the feeling of achieving goals, reaching higher. Without goals or ambition, what's the point of living? What are we doing besides just taking up space? To be a better friend, to be successful, to experience new things, to reach for the stars, and to help, to serve, to whatever!

I'm sitting here just thinking that for once, for right now, this moment, this second of my short life......I'm good.......I'm happy......but I know that sometime in the next 24 hours I will change my mind again, and something will be different, something will drive me to a different thought, to a different idea, or a different dream. So for now, I'm going to enjoy it and end this on a high note. :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

My weekend

So lets see where to begin......

Sometime last week (the exact day is not for sure anymore) my neighbor and I were talking about anxiety, and it was a rather drawn out conversation (thank you to Coors light and Black Velvet) and it seems we suffer from similar anxieties. Said neighbor brought over 4 of his Zanex for me to try and see what it was like and if it would help. At that point I could go to a doctor to get a prescription of my own. Without really telling anyone I took one on a rather anxiety filled day to see how they would react. I was happy to find out that they indeed did the job. I was mellow no matter what was thrown at my direction. I was able to function without anger and see the good in every situation. I didn't lose my temper at stupid things, and I was just cool and collective, I felt like I hadn't felt in a long time. I didn't feel groggy or that I didn't care, I just wasn't scatter brained and could think clearly.

Even people took notice. My brother asked if I had started taking the Zanex because I was a very different person that day, and the crew at Wendy's even noticed I wasn't screaming as much or hating on customers like I normally do. I was my old self finally. I can't describe how great that feels, I felt positive and happy. I've heard horror stories about happy pills and how people feel like it's a medicated happy, but this wasn't, this was truly just leveled and pure joy to be myself again. I do think I need to find a doctor now and get my own prescription, I can actually tell a difference when I'm not on it and as much as I didn't like it before, I'm really mad at myself for not getting it earlier. Now to find a doctor that is accepting new patience, won't charge me an arm an a leg as a cash client with no insurance, and will prescribe it to me without a thousand dollars worth of tests. I have the name of one, but it will still run me almost $100 by the time it's all said and done, and that's big bucks for me.

So Friday was an average day in the neighborhood, worked both jobs and crashed at home. Saturday was normal except at 5 I had one of the girls come in so I could leave town (I love doing that). I headed up to B.G. to see B!! Her parents live there and she was going to be up from Cinci to stay with them over night and had invited me to join her for the evening. As soon as I got there we headed out for her mom's birthday. We went to eat at the Red Pig Inn, I had never been there, but I will eat there again, because it was freakin awesome!!! Her family is a riot. Her dad paid which for me was rather uncomfortable, I had only met them for a few minutes once before and I have a hard time letting people buy me dinner, but I let it happen and was grateful.

Then we headed back to her parents house and I got the grand tour of their home, which is beautiful, and her dad and I discussed their master bath addition they are planning. I think it's going to be beautiful, but he's hesitant, but I think I would have laid it out the same way, well kind of. I might have changed the closet a bit, but without dimensions and drawings in front of me, it's hard to say what I would have done differently. So anyway later we went for a dip in the hot tub. Oh how I love hot tubs, and if I had the money I'd have one right now, it's something I would honestly use nearly every single day, and really enjoy it also. :)

After that we headed in and watched a movie, well, we tried. We were both so tired we were falling asleep towards the end, but neither of us wanted to give up until the end! We're stubborn like that. Then we retired (to our SEPERATE) rooms (don't get any ideas) and drifted off to sleep. We went to church the next day, which I had been rather nervous about. It is a large "super" church I guess they're called in Perrysburg. I always get nervous about churches like this, I'm not sure if it's because it's so out of my realm of comfort or because there are just TONS of people around, but thanks to Zanex, the people thing didn't bother me. ; ) The service was very good. I'm starting to take a liking to the whole non-denominational thing, it's just about God, not about what the synod wants you to believe, or all the other stuff that distracts from religion, it's praise, a message and praise. I don't think I could totally give up my traditional church, but I have found myself enjoying these more modern churches, so I can't discount them either.

I also got to meet B's friend Jerry, he went to church with us and had dinner after church with us and spent the afternoon there. He's quite the guy, heart of gold and easy to talk to, it was nice to finally meet him. I then spent the afternoon watching Bethany go through many of her childhood memories and have to sort what stayed and what was going, it had me laughing pretty good at some points. It's funny to look back at the things you cherished as a child and see them as an adult and wonder why you thought such and such was such an awesome possesion. I do that from time to time, and I too have things to go through at mom and dad's, but they aren't in a hurry.

I then came home, did some laundry, took a nap and watched some t.v. and did some computer stuff. It was a great weekend, I was so happy with everything, I just love good weekends!

The new kitchen/deli is coming along well, if I can find the money for the tables and equipment I could be moved in rather quickly, but it's not going to be easy to find the money. But perhaps someday. Anyone looking at buying a walk-in cooler? ;)

Well that's really all for now, if that's not enough, I'm not sure what to tell ya. :) so anyway.....later!