Tuesday, April 22, 2008

You're beautiful

Since the moment I met you I have found you so incredibly beautiful. From a distance I could only judge you on your body, each wonderful contour, each beautiful muscle, each and every thing about you I found so exciting. I noticed the way your neck flexed when you turned your body, the way the muscles in your back contracted as you stretched, I noticed your fingers as you talked, I watched your kissable lips move as you started to speak to me. The way your feet shift as you walk, the way you jeans form to your body as you walk. I noticed the way your legs were just perfect for your body, the way the hair on your legs was perfect coverage, the way your pecs stick out of your t-shirts, the way you rub your pecs as you talk drives me wild.

I noticed the nervous twitch you sometimes get in your eye that is just so cute, the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh, the way your eyes curl when you laugh and the way those adorable ears dance as you talk. The way your arms flex as you work in the yard, the way your ass shifts as you walk, the way it shifts when you shift your weight, the way it looks at any time. I noticed the perfect amount of hair on your chest when you're shirtless in the summer, the way it frames your chest as you breath. I noticed the hair that creates a wonderful trail down your body, only wishing I could follow it.

I noticed how strong you are when you put your arm around me, the shivers it sends down my spine as I feel your warmth against me. The way your fingers feel against my skin as you touch my arm, the way my heart starts beating faster as your bare leg touches mine by accident. I nearly faint when you're near me. As I watch you in those mesh shorts my mind begins to wonder into places I forget are there sometimes. I watch as your body moves in unison and melt in the wonderment it creates.

At many points in the time I've known you I would have given anything to be with you, to treat you any way you wanted, I would have done anything for you, just for you to be next to me in bed.

And then I got to know you. As I got to know the person on the inside it only became worse. My obsession became more than I could handle. You are kind, not in the way most people are, but in the way that I can tell you actually care. You are gentle, I notice in the way you handle your family, in the way you handle your friends, the way you live your daily life, and the way you handle me. You have found ways to make me feel like a live human being, like what I have to say is actually interesting. You make people feel wonderful, like they can do anything they put their minds to. The way you laugh and make me feel is something words can't describe. You are giving, you'd do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat, you seem to balance everything in your life in such a way no one feels neglected. I loved you, I began to love you for who you are and not just what I fantasized about on the outside.

But the more I got to know you the more I realized you could never love me the way I loved you, not because you aren't capable, but because it's not who you are. I could never change you as you could never change me. I have no idea what you would think if you were to find out who I really am, or how you might treat me differently, it pains me to think things would be different. I feel I've known you long enough and good enough that things wouldn't change at all, but I'm afraid to take that chance. I have moved beyond loving you as the person I want next to me in bed to a place where I truly love you as my friend. A friend that I can still fantasize about, but a friend I know that is not for me. But in figuring this out I have started to figure out what it is I look for in a man, the type of person I could really get to know. For this I feel lucky.

While I danced the line between fantasy and reality I learned, I do not feel hurt, as you have done nothing to ever hurt me. It was I that danced alone on this line between us, only I even know there is a line. It was during this dance I took a good look around and realized how much I love your family as well as you, how lucky you all are to be a family of such goodness. So I will stay on this side of the line, knowing you will never even see the line, or even notice the line exists. I will continue to dance in your beauty, to see things through your eyes, and to totally fantasize about you, but all the while knowing, it will never happen, and it's o.k. I'm really o.k. with this because you are truly a beautiful person, both inside and out, I don't feel lost without you, because I have you. I have you in the way it's meant to be, in a way that works for us, and I live in this place more happy than I have been in awhile.

You are truly beautiful.

1 comment:

  1. At first I was feeling the lust, but then... then you brought me to tears. I could have written this exact blog and I'm wondering if I can kind of "plagiarize" this for D. (<--that should tell you who I am). I'd of course tweak it and change a lot, but the general consensus of the whole blog is what I wanna take. So it's actually the IDEA that I want to "plagiarize". Let me know if this is okay.