Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Don't know how to process

So I went out tonight to the club for drag night. A bunch of people from work planned it to be my last horrah before leaving town. I had a great time, don't get me wrong based on the following post, but I did have a great time. I went out and danced with the people and had a great time. There was a moment I was so sad because I was going to miss it. I was going to miss the club and the people I went there with, the people I enjoy out of work. It's the end of an era, what else can I say.

On the way home with S he told me that one of his conquests had mentioned in passing about one of his previous conquests was one of my first straight crushes, what was once my best friend. What was once my life, my crush, my everything cheated on his wife with this random guy, when at one time we shared something. I realize how awful that sounds, how awful it makes me feel, he at least wasn't married at the time. I'm still not sure if he even remembers, but I was so filled with jealous rage, something I've never dealt with before when I heard the news. He let someone else be with him. I have never felt like such a huge disgusting hog before.

At one point in the evening before the alcohol really took hold that I caught a reflection of myself in the window trying to dance to the music and thought "what the hell am I trying to do". I felt so huge and disgusting. I just have always wanted someone to check me out, just once. Just once I wanted someone to look at me with lust in their eyes. I realize how awful that makes me sound, but just once I wanted to experience that instead of the repulsion I usually get.

Just once I wanted someone to find me attractive, just once I wanted someone to come dance with me, and at least act like they wanted me. I know how awful that sounds, how self centered that makes me sound, but I just wanted it. Just once.

The only thing to console me right now is the pint of Dean's Guacamole that I seem to be attacking right now, and then I realize, no wonder I look like I look. I've done it to myself and can't seem to stop.

I realize this post sounds like I'm looking for love and acceptance. For someone to say you are perfect just the way you are, but I know in my heart it's not enough, and the only one to change that is me. When will I find the courage to stop hiding behind the giant grotesque body I've created? When will the person I think I am shine through? When will I be enough?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Please define productivity please.

So, I said in my last post I was hoping to be productive.  Well here is what my day turned into, it says a lot about my horrible eating, and so much more about me. lol.  I'll start with my to do list.

To Do (AM)
-go with julio to pick up computer in Toledo because of shipping issues

-Get boxes organized in Dining Room and bring down stuff from the attic
-grocery shopping

-cook dinner
-watch movie

Sounds like a simple plan, a productive yet not overplanned day right?  Well it's not how it ended up.

Got to julio's house at 8:00am, rode to Toledo to pick up the computer at Fed Ex compound.....had to find it first. lol.  We decided to stop at Bass Pro Shops so I could see the place and check out any camping gear I might want for my next camping trip. 

We spend an hour looking at everything, trying on sun glasses, just having a good time with dumb jokes and fun humor.

Head back to his house to set up the new computer, spend a little bit out there talking and working on the computer.  I'm starving and julio doesn't do lunch.  He asks what I'm doing the rest of the day and I tell him cleaning out my attic, he decides he's bored and wants to help.

I head to my house while he plays on his computer a bit so I could have time to grab some lunch.  I stop by BK for a small sandwich to get my stomach to stop rumbling as I have no food at home.

I get home eat my sandwich while catching up on facebook, email, etc...  Julio shows up and we get to work. 

Turns out there wasn't that much in the attic so we get it sorted it out and talked schedule of moving and such, moving things to his house and moving everything else to Cinci. 

Julio decides the jungle that is my backyard needed to be tamed.  We head out to the garage to get the lawn mower and weed wacker.  We discover the buyer has taken over my garage and I have a melt down.

After calming down we dig the tools out we need and he starts mowing and I start trimming.  We continue at this for about an hour and then I decide to move my stuff out of the garage and cram it into my house and storage building to get it out of the garage and avoid all arguments with the buyer because it wasn't worth my energy anymore.  We take a moment because for some reason moving my stuff out of that garage, as well as packing it up awhile ago brings on depression.  I have no idea why the garage of all places does that, but it's the part of the building that brings it out of me.

So we get everything moved out and close it up.  We came into the house to cool down and talk a bit more while I reply to some emails and look some things up on the net. 

It's now 4 o'clock.  I had a time set up with the buyer to train him on my prized recipe at 4:30.  I help julio load his truck with some burnables and the neighbor is outside mowing (shirtless by the way.....yumm) so we go over and start talking to him and the family for a bit.  The buyer comes over to say he's ready to start so I head over to the kitchen from hell.  The kitchen was so hot from the prettles and the lack of air conditioning we were both sweating instantly.  I show him the process and we talk and laugh and talk through a couple of issues and by 6 o'clock I'm headed back to my apartment............only after he gave me the signed contracts! (YEAH!)

I decide to get the bottle of champaigne  I had been saving and decide to go see my parents who have also been waiting for the contract and decide to share the event.  I get to my parents house and find that they hadn't returned from their trip yet so I sit and talk with my sister and catch up with her for awhile.  I decide I'll head to the grocery store when I was done there to get some food in my house.

As I'm getting ready to leave and head to the grocery store (now 8:30) and my stomach growels, my cell phone rings. It's my aunt and uncle talking about the house.  Turns out they have found some more inspiration and wondered if I had time to talk with them.  I tell them sure, so I run the champagne home and print out some of the plans we were working on, grab their file and my supplies and head out to their house.

It's now 9 o'clock.

I sit and talk with them and we sort out a lot of issues and I finally wrangle them into some pretty concrete decisions, something I've been trying to do for 2 years now.  We all feel good about the direction of the plans and decide to call it a night. 

I get in my car and head up town, look at the clock and it's now 11 o'clock. I have no more energy to even consider going to the grocery store so I drive on by and go and grab a sandwich and head home. 

Seriously, I'm still confused as to whether or not I was productive or not. lol.  If you look at my to do list, no I wasn't really productive, but I kind of was.  My days always end up like this, I do realize some of this is totally my fault because sometimes I just can't stop talking, and I have a hard time saying no.....(that could be taken more than one YOU doin?)

Productive or not.......I still have no food in my house lol.  My list for tomorrow does include a trip to get groceries fairly early in the day....hopefully before noon. lol.  Julio is busy tomorrow, so that will help.


o.k. have a good night/day, whatever it might be when you grace my blog with your presence. :)

Monday, June 28, 2010


The following is a PSA Announcement

When the lighting strikes a power line and shorts out the power to three restaurants, it's not their fault.  The employees nor the manager can magically turn the power back on just because you're hungry.  They also have no legal responsibility to find you a restaurant that does have power just because you're too lazy to cook for yourself.  It is not necessary to swear at these people as they have enough issues of their own to deal with, helping you with your non existent problems is not part of their job descriptions. 

While we're at it, let me say this as well.......if the dining room is filled with smoke it is not necessary for each of the 50 customers in line to mention it to the employees, in case you didn't notice, the entire kitchen is filled with smoke as well.  That guy in the back that is coughing, on the phone and messing with the breakers in the back? Yeah, that's the manager and he's doing the best he can.  If you do not enjoy eating in a smoke filled dining room I suggest you either get your food to go or just leave all together because as long as you are there ordering your food and interupting the manager to complain is not getting the problem fixed any sooner. 

I think that's all for the PSA announcements today.  It also describes my evening.

I find it hilarious that our management teams contains 5 people......non of which has the ability to stay calm in a crisis.  The storms this year have been a little on the crazy side and very frequent around here and every time a storm comes around my phone starts going off.  Each time the situation is the same....a hysterical manager on the other end of the line not knowing what to do and how to handle the situation.  Seriously?  Tonight it was a simple thunder storm, I was sitting in the office with my general manager who has been with the company for 26 years and has had meetings on how to handle different situations that may arise.  Well anyway the storm is getting loud and then suddenly lightning strikes and lights up our dining room and as the thunder cracks at the same time, our power goes out. 

At the same time there is a collective scream from the crew and the general manager jumps and grabs hold of me while screaming.  Everyone starts freaking and she asks me what we should do?  I just laughed, seriously?  The same thing we do every time this happens, lock the doors and shut off the equipment.  I wonder sometimes how things get done when I'm not there.  I'm not the end all be all of managers, but they seem to rely on me a bit too much.  Oh well, 30 more days, and I have a feeling they will fly by.

That's really all I have right now, it's so hot outside, I keep losing my motivation to finish packing and have so many things to get done in the next 30 days that I'm losing my mind.  My brother wants to have a going away party but looking at his schedule and my schedule I'm not seeing it happen, so we'll see what happens.  I decided I don't really need one anyway.  Some people from work are taking me out on Tuesday and I want to plan a couple of special days with some people I'm really going to miss, but other than that, I've seen my family and will see them just as much after I move so there isn't any reason to get crazy about it.  I'm all about just slipping out of town quietly and moving on with my life.

This weekend was my class reunion.  I went back and forth over the last 6 months about whether or not I'd be going.  Last week I finally decided if I was having so much stress about seeing these people again, is it really worth it?  I decided not to go, and after hearing the reports about it, I didn't miss anything as it was the people I figured it would be and turned out just as I thought, a waste of time.

I thought about what I would say to answer the typical questions.....I'm not married, I just sold my business at a loss, about to quit my job and move even though I have no job lined up as of yet, still fat, single and no kids.  It didn't sound like something I wanted to go through.  It sounds like I'm pretty miserable and nothing has changed much from high school but what I find so funny is that isn't who I am, I don't even know that guy from high school anymore.  Conversations with people I consider strangers don't include things like I accepted the fact that I'm gay and that makes me really happy, I discovered it's o.k. to be who I am and that made me happy, I discovered what true friends are and figured out who they are and am so thrilled about that.  They don't always include the fact that I struggled with my relationship with God for so long, hated people for no reason, was filled with anger and rage but all that has passed, I'm not that person anymore.  I've been on a path of self discovery and realized I really don't care what those people think of me.  I don't care what they think about my choices in life in how I do things or the people I talk to, or the things I care about.  When I realized all these things I figured out I didn't need to see these people again.

These people who made nearly 12 years of my life miserable, these people who couldn't have cared less about me for the first 18 years of my life, and I'm supposed to go and put on some kind of show like I care what they've been doing now?  Let them feel better about pretending to care about what I've been up to all these years later?  Yeah, I discovered I just didn't care enough, and honestly I'm happy with that decision.  I was only sad when I saw the pictures and saw one of my good friends from high school was there that I tried to track down so many times but always got her information shortly after she moved again.  I was sad until I figured out I've been pretty easy to find and she's never come looking for me.   Sometimes I just have to let go of the past.

I'm 1000 times happier now than I was then, so why would I want to go backwards?  Yeah, I totally made the right decision.  :)

So anyway, I should go to bed, I have the next two days off and I plan on actually being productive.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Sharing when I'm stupid.

I don't like to share things if it's a situation I created myself and even worse if it's a situation I created out of my own stupidity.

The honest truth is the fact that I have closed my business and let the buyer move in and open his own business and I don't have a signed contract for him to actually buy the business yet.  Because of a series of issues that's just the way it happened.  It's a small town and a person's word is still considered a done deal.  The problem is we ran into issues with the coolers, issues that are resulting in the necessity to replace both compressors.  Well it's been a lot of back and forth between us, it got uglier in my head than it got in real life and it's been eating me alive from the inside out because I was afraid he was going to walk away from the deal because of this issue.

Well after getting some legal advice about the situation and confronting the buyer with what the lawyer told me we are on the same page and there are no hurt feelings anywhere.  He thought I was getting mad at him, which I really was, but there was no reason to.  It's been a crazy situation, but it's all done now.  We're meeting with the lawyer on Friday to sign the purchase agreement and management contract and finally get the final paperwork rolling.  Yes, it's been delayed this long, but we're finally going to get this underway.

I've been a nervous wreck for the last week while we sorted this out and it turns out I was getting nervous for nothing.  I am a little upset that we won't be able to close on his loan until roughly the end of August the way things sit, but I know it will work out in the end.

My newest plans are to move to Cinci at the end of July.  I'm in the process of setting an exact date.  Julio and I are also trying to plan two days to go to Cinci to get the construction and wiring of my new bedroom out of the way, but that's going to depend on the time we have available and the funds I have available to do the project. 

Well there isn't much to say really that's on my mind anymore.  I'm sure I'll think of something again sometime soon, but for now I'm done.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

It sounds so silly to say how alone I feel right at this moment when I have tons of people that love me so much.  Why must they be spread out so far away?  Some as close as 20 minutes, some as far as a 2 days drive.

There is so much going on and I feel like I'm going through everything all alone.  The buyer started some crap tonight at 1am.  Who can I call or talk to at 1am?  I hate this.  I said in my last post that sitting all alone during Patty's ceremony was o.k. but I'll be honest, it sucked.  I don't like the feeling of sitting amongst 200 people and feeling all alone. 

I hate dealing with this deal all alone.  I feel like dealing with this is just as stressful as opening up when I did that 5 years ago. 

I long for the day that I don't feel so alone.  I long for the day when I feel my problems are worthy of discussing with people other than this blog and the people that read or don't read it.  I long for the day of conversations, even if random about my day.  When people ask me about what's going on my answer is usually pretty vague and short because it's usually an opening dialogue about what they really want to talk about, I've learned that and accepted it.  Some people are just better at listening.  I guess I've trained myself to be that person.

The truth is, I spend most of my time with this inner dialogue, I just can shut it off.  I spend most of my days stressing over something or worried about something, or day dreaming about a life that just could never be. 

I went out for my first midnight swim of the year hoping to find peace and tranquility tonight. I found nothing.  I found myself getting more worried about this deal, worried about moving, worried about work, worried about the future, worried about life in general.  On the drive home I came to some conclusions, some things I feel I need to do, but I'm not sure why because they don't save me any money, they don't solve anything, so I'm not sure why they came to me. 

They say it's always darkest before the dawn, and I know from past experience this is always true.  I'm always more worried about things at night than I am during the day, so I'm forcing myself to finally go to bed and collapse.  I got three hours of sleep last night, worked 11 hours today and it's now 2 am. 

Dear Lord,
Please find it in your heart to deliver me.............from me.

Catching up.

Well, here it is, going on two weeks out of my business and while it's nice to not have to worry about it, and I've gotten used to hearing all the activity out in the store and me not knowing what was going on, it still feels the same.  If anything I feel like things are harder.  The money is still tight as I'm still holding all the bills for it, but I guess it will change eventually.  The thing that really hasn't changed all that much is this feeling of limbo, and being stuck in it.  Without the closing of the loan I have nothing to get started with, and we won't close on that for two months, yet most of my house is in boxes, I have no moving date and really have nothing but plans with no dates.  I realize that even the two months is closing down on me and I'm resisting finishing packing, I'm panicked as I job search and overwhelmed with starting over again.  I know it's going to be great, I really do look forward to being there as it seems everything here is changing already.  I'm just so overwhelmed at the timing of it all, when do I move? Will I have the time off to get settled before starting a new job? Will I get that week off between jobs I've dreamed about?  There is so much I wanted to to get done before starting work again and it all seems so distant as I work day in and day out at the current job.

Yeah, so that's what's rattling in my mind lately.  Days are short and plans are long.

So I went to Michigan last weekend to attend a memorial service for my friend Patty.  As I prepared for the trip, looking at the map reassuring myself I know where I'm going because I've gone a thousand times before I was flashing back to all the feelings I had when I was there.  The self doubt came flooding over me, beating myself up over so many situations that are years in the past now, and I wondered, when will I let it go?  It wasn't until I was driving through town again that I realized, I really have let most of it go.  I started to flash back to the good times I had there as I got closer to George's house.  I remembered all the good times I had with the group of people I was about to see again after 5 years.

As I saw George I could see in his face how happy he was I made the trip.  We talked briefly but it's hard to catch up after 5 years given the situation I was there for.  He had just lost his best friend and the love of his life.  I kept the conversation brief as there were so many people there and I felt as if I was so minuscule in the situation so I did what I do best and blended in with the landscaping until I found another familiar face.  Eventually they all began to show up and I caught up a bit with most of them, some of them remembered me but had to guess at my name, which I figured would happen.  I know in that situation, at that time, the threads of friendship I shared with some of these people meant more to me than it did to them, and I made peace with that years ago.

I was taken back a little bit, I know I shouldn't have been, but when anyone says to me "Hey it's great to see you, but there are some other people over there I need to say hi to" and then wander away that really made me realize the needy person inside of me that needs to stay attached to someone I know in crowd of people I don't.  I sat alone during the service, it didn't really bother me all that much, I was more concentrating on the service anyway.  After the service there was a big party, Patty never wanted a cheesy funeral, her and George bought a bar after she retired from her corporate job because she loved the people, so she had arraigned a party to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.  She knew she was going to die and planned and arraigned much of the funeral herself.  I didn't feel much like celebrating, so after the service I quickly made my rounds again to say quick goodbyes.  There was no heartfelt goodbyes and I left without seeing George as he was surrounded by people that in my head seemed more important than me, so I quickly made a quiet exit.

As I was driving away I realized I was never meant to stay in Michigan, those people were never meant to be in my life forever.  I kept thinking about how much things had changed, how much they had changed and I realized, they are still the same people they were before.  They are good people, but I've changed.  I'm not the same person that lived in Michigan, there are fractions of that person still inside of me that find their way to the surface once in awhile, but all in all, I don't think I would recognize that person anymore.  I realized we're strangers, and the people in Michigan helped that stranger through a very tough time, and I love them for that, but I think I said good bye for good.

I have decided in the last couple of days that by the end of next week I'm going to have a plan for my exit from this place.  Regardless of the things I can not control, I'm going to take control of those I can.  I'm going to set a date for the move, I'm going to plan my vacation from work and I'm going to plan.  If I have to move into my room without walls at first, I'm o.k. with that.  If I have to move and get a minimum wage job when I first get down there just to pay the bills, I'm o.k. with that too.

I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, and I'm a child of God.  God will never let me fall.  He may not always let me end up where I think I want, or land how I think I want, but he never lets me fall.  There are great things waiting for me and great friends, not to say I don't have a few great friends left around this place because I do, but I'm ready to move on, I'm ready for the next step, and I'm ready to put the past in the past.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Dear Patty

Dear Patty,
I won't stretch the truth at all.  You and I hardly knew each other.  I met you because you were married to a kind man that worked with my boss.  Your husband saw something in me that my boss didn't see and honestly I had a hard time seeing in me, a good honest hardworking employee, and friend.  Your husband is a very kind man who tried time and time again to build me up and show me that I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving.

This kind man introduced me to you several years ago and from moment one I could tell you two were made for each other.  You had joy and kindness radiating from you.  From the moment I met you and you hugged me I could feel the love you carried for everyone you met, I felt kindness and hope from you.  The conversations we shared from then on out I took to heart.  I listened to every word you said and tried to implant them into my head because you were filled with honesty and were genuine in everything you did and said.

The way you took me in and listened to everything I had to say and showed me that life was more than corporate offices and more than earning a pay check meant so much to me.  The times we went out with everyone and you included me in every conversation and never made me feel alone when we were out meant so much to me, you seemed to know when I needed that.  You opened your home to me and welcomed me every time you saw me and treated me like family.

Your words of wisdom are ones I still hold dear.  You made me feel like someone, that I mattered in life and no matter how Bob made me feel, that it didn't matter in who I was or in the grand scheme of things, or in life in general.  I can never express to you in words how you made me feel when ever you were around.  You and your husband's friendship shed light in what I consider some of the darkest days in my life so far.

I'm angry I didn't get to know you better, that we didn't get to spend more time together because I know there is more I could have learned from you.  The people at your house today, the people gathered in your little piece of heaven truly loved you.  You have touched so many people and changed so many lives.  I am sad that your life was taken so suddenly and in such a painful tragic way, but I know you lived every moment and I know that Heaven is that much better now that you are there.

I was not surprised to hear that you flew to Florida days after your second surgery to remove the tumors from your lungs to spend time with your second parents on their last days on earth.  I was not surprised to hear that you adopted another 6 cats and their kittens after I left Michigan even though you didn't really care for cats.  I was not surprised to hear how you turned a benefit that was supposed to be for you into a fund raiser for another cancer fighter you met at the hospital, and managed to raise nearly $10k for the family.  You were that kind of person and I am honored that I got to know you, for however short amount of time.

I'm sorry I never had a chance to tell you this in person.  I take solace in the peace you found in your death and I'm forever grateful for you.  I did not mourn your death today just as you wished, but instead joined with the others there for you today and celebrated what was a wonderful and giving life.  To know you was to love you.

I will miss you always.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Freedom within Confinment

Yeah, it's crazy I know, but it's the truth.  This update is good, confusing, and just downright out in right field.

So the asset appraisal came back and I was pretty happy with it, to no surprise the buyer was very unhappy with it.  When we met he voiced his concern and ended his comment with....."probably similar feelings to how you feel about the real estate appraisal"  He nailed that one on the head!  We decided together that the assets were probably worth less where the real estate was probably worth more so we decided together to just let it be and accept the numbers we had.  I luckily had spent the day deciding that I was just walking away.  I'm not making very much at all, by the time the bills are paid it could be almost be nothing, but I'm out of it and I'll be alive. 

The bad part of this situation is we found out he can't close on his loan for 60 days because of paperwork involved for the secondary loan money he's getting.  Without the secondary loan money the bank won't loan him the rest of the money needed to pay off my loans, so we have to wait for that in order to close on his loan.  We talked to the county who is in charge of the secondary loan and they said it's approved he just has to wait for the final paperwork, and after talking to the bank we decided to move ahead with the transfer under a managing contract.  He moves in and operates under my existing licenses and is responsible for the gains and loss of the business and just pays me rent for the space.

I in turn keep the mortgage on the building and all my existing loans until the closing of his loan at which time I will be free.  It's not quite what we were expecting, but this way he can get started and get opened up during the heat of the summer when business is best.  The bad part is, he doesn't have his loan money to use to get started and I have no money to move on with yet.  We're both kind of stuck, yet moving forward.  So it's all confusing, but it's progress and moving towards the end.

My business as I know it is closed, I am now just a property owner.  We agreed on a rent amount that will cover the cost of the mortgage and electric up to a budgeted amount.  If the electric bill goes above and beyond the budgeted amount he offered to cover the excess which is really great.  He seems very overwhelmed when I talked to him today, but he's really a good guy.  I hope he does better than I did, or at least as good as I did.  I have to keep reminding myself that this business did not fail until I put it up for sale.  It wasn't easy, but it was getting easier.  It wasn't until I put it up for sale that things took a turn for the worse. 

I don't regret this, I don't think I could have continued in this business, I was sick of it and there is a part of me that is really glad to see it go.  There is another part of me that is crushed to see it go, but that part will find solace in a new town with a new job and maybe with a margarita in Cincinnati out on the patio. :)  So that's the update.  At the latest I'll be moving at the end of July unless work or something else happens before then.  I'll be alright, I have plenty to get done before then.

I had the pleasure of hosting B this weekend!!  She graciously gave up her holiday weekend to come up and put the smack down to help me pack.  With her help nearly my entire kitchen is now in boxes and I was also able to clear out the store of my personal stuff.  She was a HUGE help and it was so much fun having her here.  It was odd to have someone staying in my house for more than a few hours.  I haven't had an over night guest in over two years, it was kind of nice.  It was also really nice to spend time with her. :)  She also got through that awkward situation of meeting nearly my entire family. lol.  She even got to finally meet Julio.  Everyone here has taken a liking to her and want to trade me for her. lol.  While I knew they would love her....what's not to love? I was still a little nervous.  I always get nervous when two worlds meet one another because it's gone bad many times before, I just didn't want that to happen in this situation.  I'm glad it all went well.

Well I'm sure I have more to say, but I have to go to bed because I'm tired and I've got a busy day tomorrow.  We're taking out a few more loads of crap out of here tomorrow to clean it up some more and I have to figure out timing of a few things.  The month of June is just crazy and I have some trips to get planned!!