Saturday, June 12, 2010

Catching up.

Well, here it is, going on two weeks out of my business and while it's nice to not have to worry about it, and I've gotten used to hearing all the activity out in the store and me not knowing what was going on, it still feels the same.  If anything I feel like things are harder.  The money is still tight as I'm still holding all the bills for it, but I guess it will change eventually.  The thing that really hasn't changed all that much is this feeling of limbo, and being stuck in it.  Without the closing of the loan I have nothing to get started with, and we won't close on that for two months, yet most of my house is in boxes, I have no moving date and really have nothing but plans with no dates.  I realize that even the two months is closing down on me and I'm resisting finishing packing, I'm panicked as I job search and overwhelmed with starting over again.  I know it's going to be great, I really do look forward to being there as it seems everything here is changing already.  I'm just so overwhelmed at the timing of it all, when do I move? Will I have the time off to get settled before starting a new job? Will I get that week off between jobs I've dreamed about?  There is so much I wanted to to get done before starting work again and it all seems so distant as I work day in and day out at the current job.

Yeah, so that's what's rattling in my mind lately.  Days are short and plans are long.

So I went to Michigan last weekend to attend a memorial service for my friend Patty.  As I prepared for the trip, looking at the map reassuring myself I know where I'm going because I've gone a thousand times before I was flashing back to all the feelings I had when I was there.  The self doubt came flooding over me, beating myself up over so many situations that are years in the past now, and I wondered, when will I let it go?  It wasn't until I was driving through town again that I realized, I really have let most of it go.  I started to flash back to the good times I had there as I got closer to George's house.  I remembered all the good times I had with the group of people I was about to see again after 5 years.

As I saw George I could see in his face how happy he was I made the trip.  We talked briefly but it's hard to catch up after 5 years given the situation I was there for.  He had just lost his best friend and the love of his life.  I kept the conversation brief as there were so many people there and I felt as if I was so minuscule in the situation so I did what I do best and blended in with the landscaping until I found another familiar face.  Eventually they all began to show up and I caught up a bit with most of them, some of them remembered me but had to guess at my name, which I figured would happen.  I know in that situation, at that time, the threads of friendship I shared with some of these people meant more to me than it did to them, and I made peace with that years ago.

I was taken back a little bit, I know I shouldn't have been, but when anyone says to me "Hey it's great to see you, but there are some other people over there I need to say hi to" and then wander away that really made me realize the needy person inside of me that needs to stay attached to someone I know in crowd of people I don't.  I sat alone during the service, it didn't really bother me all that much, I was more concentrating on the service anyway.  After the service there was a big party, Patty never wanted a cheesy funeral, her and George bought a bar after she retired from her corporate job because she loved the people, so she had arraigned a party to celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.  She knew she was going to die and planned and arraigned much of the funeral herself.  I didn't feel much like celebrating, so after the service I quickly made my rounds again to say quick goodbyes.  There was no heartfelt goodbyes and I left without seeing George as he was surrounded by people that in my head seemed more important than me, so I quickly made a quiet exit.

As I was driving away I realized I was never meant to stay in Michigan, those people were never meant to be in my life forever.  I kept thinking about how much things had changed, how much they had changed and I realized, they are still the same people they were before.  They are good people, but I've changed.  I'm not the same person that lived in Michigan, there are fractions of that person still inside of me that find their way to the surface once in awhile, but all in all, I don't think I would recognize that person anymore.  I realized we're strangers, and the people in Michigan helped that stranger through a very tough time, and I love them for that, but I think I said good bye for good.

I have decided in the last couple of days that by the end of next week I'm going to have a plan for my exit from this place.  Regardless of the things I can not control, I'm going to take control of those I can.  I'm going to set a date for the move, I'm going to plan my vacation from work and I'm going to plan.  If I have to move into my room without walls at first, I'm o.k. with that.  If I have to move and get a minimum wage job when I first get down there just to pay the bills, I'm o.k. with that too.

I'm a survivor, I'm a fighter, and I'm a child of God.  God will never let me fall.  He may not always let me end up where I think I want, or land how I think I want, but he never lets me fall.  There are great things waiting for me and great friends, not to say I don't have a few great friends left around this place because I do, but I'm ready to move on, I'm ready for the next step, and I'm ready to put the past in the past.

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