Saturday, August 30, 2008

The business

O.K. for the things I could not post on the other blog because I'm not telling people until it's official. I met with the realtor on Friday and started working out the details. I took him around and showed him everything and he came to the conclusion that I had come to before I called him....the repairs have to happen first.

People can't always envision the repairs I'm going to be making before they're done, so we're going to wait until the major repairs are complete and then it will be on the market. In the mean time while I deal with the bank and try to get the roof project squeezed in yet this year the realtor is going to be doing his end of the paper work, such as the comps for price and write ups and such so when I'm ready it will launch quickly.

We discussed the asking price that I was thinking. I told him what I needed to walk away with a good concious and be able to pay everyone off and start over with a smile on my face and then whatever he was going to charge would have to be ontop of that, and he did some quick figuring just based on the appraisal from three years ago and added the value of the rental spaces I created and said I was being modest with my price. I smiled and told him I was being realistic, if I can afford to price it just under market value and sell it quicker, I'm all for it.

What does that mean you might ask? It means I can pay off all of my bills except my student loan, and take the remainder and open an investment account, so that way when I get my credit problems cleared up, I'll be able to buy a house with a nice downpayment. It also means that I will be hopefully able to take a cruise before I move on with the next stage of my life. I have always wanted to, and I think this would be a prime opportunity to be able to take off. I'm not sure if I'll be on my own or not, but either way I'm going to spend at least 5 days surrounded by water. :) I've earned it.

This weekend I'm headed down to what I hope to be my future home. I'm going to be doing a little searching to see what kind of jobs are out there, and just picture everything as I hope it will be.

o.k. hate to cut it short, but my helper is here and I'm going to hit the road now!!

1 hour and ten minutes

1 hour and ten minutes I'll be on the road finally. I'm heading to Cincinatti for the holiday weekend. I decided to close the store on Monday since everyone has thought I was closed anyway, so I figure I finally get two days off and I don't have to pay anyone to watch the store. How great is that?

I've decided this week that it's time to fix my roof. I'm going to have to get with the bank on this one and see if they'll fund the project because it's way more than I have laying around....not that there's any laying around anyway.

I've been trying to let all these financial problems just take the background. I was saved by two wonderful people after fair week and it's helped ease the pain quite a bit, and I'm every so grateful. I have these two thank you cards I have for them but when I try to come up with the words to put in those cards, I'm drawing a blank, I just can't put to words the amount of gratitude I have for them. I need to say something, but I just don't know what.

Hopefully with the roof money there will be a little extra to pay a few things off and get them off my plate for the time being. People think it's silly to pay off little bills with money I'll be paying on for years to come, but no one sees the entire picture quite like I do. They will see it soon enough, but for now people just have to let me do what I'm doing, there is a plan, a very good plan.

I realized as of late that blogs are becoming less and less used. Or maybe I'm just yearning for more and more from them. I get so disappointed when they haven't been updated, not that I'm that great at updating mine, but hey, this is about me. :) I find blogs so soothing. Reading about the lives of other people helps me to get myself out of my own head, sometimes it's better, and sometimes it worse, which makes me feel better about my own situations. I just enjoy blogs so much, I just wish I didn't have so much time between customers, then I wouldn't need them so much. :)

So the buckeyes won today. It was a good game, but I'm still not feeling the whole college football season yet, it's still too warm. I want to put on my hoodie and then enjoy a bon fire after the game....did I seriously just wish for cooler weather? I must be sick. But it was good to get excited about a game again, I may not be the biggest stats fan, but I love to watch a good game.

I really don't have much to talk about, just some basic rambling. I figured if I was going to bitch about people not blogging enough then I should at least post one.

Just one more hour and I'm out of here!!! I'm driving by my cousin's house on the way out to take pictures. I drew their house for them and they just framed the walls up, I'm so excited! My first project all on my own, I love it when it comes to life!!! To see these 2 dimensional lines on paper become a 3 dimensional piece of art is so thrilling for me, and it's something I did, all me, not my boss, not my school, all me. I just can't wait to go and walk around it. Hopefully this time next year I'll be doing the same for my aunt and uncles house, which is bigger and better! I no longer feel the need to keep old blueprints around that I worked on in Michigan, I now have my own projects to show off someday at interviews. I'm just so excited, I'll have to post some pictures up when I get back.

Well I think that's about all. I should make sure I have everything packed and maybe go throw it in the car so I'm ready to head out right at 5pm.

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I'm going to miss you.

Tonight you told me you were leaving. I have a mere 4 days left to enjoy your presence before you leave and take the world by storm.

I can't tell you how you've made me feel these past 9 months, how happy you've made me, how I've looked forward to seeing you, and how I wish I could tell you the things that have been on my mind. To listen to you, to get to know you, to just be near you. I can't tell you because you'd never think of me the same again. I can tell you that I'm going to miss you, but that's all I can say. I want to tell you what a great, sweet and caring person you are, but for one guy to say that to another guy is just forbidden. I want to tell you that I love you and you deserve so much more than you think you do, but I can't.

I want to tell you how I melt when you smile, how I forget about my problems when you talk to me, how I feel a 1000 miles away when you brush your hair away from your face before you got your hair cut. I can't tell you how you take my breath away, and how sad I feel when you say you hate life, how upset I get when you talk about settling for something you're better than. How much joy I get when you're happy.

I want to tell you that you are beautiful, you are rugged and sweet all at the same time. I want to tell you how if I could end up with a man with half your qualities I would feel lucky. How you are so much smarter and so much more mature than the counterparts of your age, and how I wish you more happiness than you'll ever know how to handle. I want to tell you these things but I can't, I shouldn't. I know that in the next four days I'm going to cross a line, I'm going to have to tell you something, and I worry. But I have this time to think about how to tell you these things without freaking you out. At your age and your upbringing you might flip out, but I will probably never see you again after next week, so I don't have much to lose. I must tell you how different you are, and how you deserve the best, and I will.

I won't tell you how I feel about you, because no matter how much I wish you were mine, I am realistic in knowing you never would be. You and I could be friends, even with 12 years between us, we could hang out, we have before and it was great. It's bitter sweet as in you won't be around to confuse me anymore, you won't be there for my self torture, and maybe, maybe I'll be able to let it go. I know it could never be, but when I look into your eyes, I wish. It's unhealthy in a way, but I don't see it that way. You have not held me back from anything, you only cause more yearning, yearning for a hug, yearning for a smile. You were the one thing that made that place bearable, I don't know what I'm going to do without you. How will I be able to work without you there?

I know why you're leaving and I'd be a fool to stop you. You are in a place in your life that you need to get out of there, I know what you're going through and I know it is in YOUR best interest to leave, so I will support you. But before you leave I will write you a letter, to tell you that you are special, to encourage you to chase your dreams, and never take no for an answer. You have had a tough up bringing and I want to make sure that someone you know and trust tells you these things, because I know you enough to know that you will take it to heart. And maybe during rough times you may bring the letter out and use it for encouragement, to remind you that you are better than the life people tell you that you should be living, and perhaps, you will remember me. Remember that I believe in you, remember that I was here to listen, remember I was there to encourage and help you in times of need, I just pray that our friendship no matter how brief will affect you in a positive way, and that in three years you won't only remember me, but you will remember me as more than the nice manager you worked with for a brief moment in time, but as the friend you miss.

I wish this because I will miss you. I will miss you more than I will ever admit. If you asked me, I would probably tell you, I trust you. I want you to be happy, I want you to take the world by storm and become all you can be, and all you wish to be, because you can, you're strong enough, you're smart enough, and you have an infectous personality.

So I bid you farewell, I say good bye, and I say I will remember you for years to come.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Angels among us

In every dark storm in life, in every dark period, in every dark corner in my life, there lies an angel. In this latest case there happens to be two angels. They were angels before, but what they have done for me, and the freedom they have given me, no matter how short term, has been blissful.

They brought me to tears and I still am trying to come up with the words to thank them for what they've done for me, and there just doesn't seem to be words.

They've allowed me to sleep, I know I may not last, but they came in the nick of time and have helped me. It was not easy accepting help, but I knew if I didn't, they would feel upset that they couldn't help me.

I'm so grateful for the friends and family the Lord has blessed me with. I know there is not a day that could go by that I am not thankful for these angels in my life.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yearning for the uncertain future.

So last night I finally didn't have to work in the evening and took the evening for myself. I treated myself to some pizza and watching a movie and going to be at a decent hour, it was fantastic!! Although I didn't fall asleep as quickly as usual because I was in bed 3 hours before my usual time, but I finally did fall asleep.

But as I was laying around last night I began envisioning the future, the way I see it right now. I tried picturing myself in the new town in the new house and wondering how I'd be feeling, what it would be like again to only work one job, to have an entire day off again, to be able to do things and be able to take weekend trips. Oh it felt so wonderful. And then I began to get terrified. Would I fall into the same traps as before? Would I pretend to live this straight life? Would I be able to tell people when I met them that I was gay?

I hope I will be, it's so easy to fall back into the trap and spend more time miserable. I pictured spending a lazy day with the man I love, just making dinner and watching a movie, or sitting out on the patio talking, or one of the many things I thought about yesterday. I want that life so bad. I tired picturing having a roommate again, not even of the male persuasion but the roommate I hope to have when I move. I wonder if we'll be compatible as roommates, we've both been living alone for so long. I do think it would be fun though, I have had some good roommate experiences, not many, but when I'm able to choose, it seems to go better. I actually hope it works out, because I think it would be so much fun.

Then I began to look around my house and began dreading moving again. Packing up my life once again, moving a large portion of it to a storage unit and then moving........again. It's the part I don't look forward to, it's stressful and annoying, but I have to see it as just a step into the future. I'm ready to move on, to move onto bigger and better things, a new life, a new me, I've learned so much over the last 6 years, and I've learned more about me, what I need and what I look for. I think it's going to be easier to be away this time. While I've made some really close friends while I've been back, and strengthened some friendships, I can't live for them, I have to live for me. I just hope they'll come see me.

Well the fair is over, my cute carnie is gone, and he never caved to my wishful and flirty ways. I don't think he caught on, or he just wasn't interested, for one reason or another. But he was fun to look at. :)

Last night I caught one of my favorite episodes of Sex in the City, it's the episode where Aiden (John Corbett...see previous post) is sprawled out on the bed wearing nothing but a pair of tighty whities. Oh, that man makes my heart go pitter patter. Just thought I would mention that. ;)

Have a great day.

I'm so bored.

Yes, it's true, I'm bored. I've done the dishes, I've cleaned the deli. I should be cleaning the office, but that's just too depressing. It's just shifting bills from one pile to another, knowing I can't pay them. I've gone back to sticking my head in the sand so to speak about bills, not answering calls, not opening mail, that sort of things. It's reminisent of the days of bankruptsy. It's not quite that bad, but it still feels like it.

Fair week has come and gone. Thank goodness it has gone. Fair week brings all sorts of things usually. Most of the time it's good sales, good customers, and long hours. This year was long boring hours, horrible teenage customers, vandalism, shoplifting, attitudes, and dropped sales. Oh what a week of stress that was. I busted two shoplifters, one of them I have the video of her was a 13 year old stealing a bottle of booze. While she did get scared and put it back I posted her picture for all to see, and word got back to her and her family and her aunt came in to verify it was her. She ended up calling me and appologizing, expecting me to just say "it's o.k." I let her have it, then I thanked her for calling, and wished her well in her future, hoping she doesn't keep going on this path, otherwise she'll be as worthless as the guy she thought she was stealing for.

I just can't get through to any of them. I've become the cranky old store owner they think they can take advantage of. I'm striking back finally, I'm showing them that I don't put up with their crap, their parents might put up with it, but not here. I've banned two kids from even entering the store for the next month, I've asked three kids to leave and put shoes on before entering again....and the great thing is, they did! When will these parents figure it out? I didn't always listen to my parents right away, but these kids treat their parents like they are servants! If I talked to my parents like these kids do, I would have had my ass beaten so bad I wouldn't be able to sit. But sadly parts of my generation think they had it so rough that they refuse to spank their child, as if it's abuse. So it's no wonder these kids don't know boundries, or right from wrong, or about respect. I think I want to start a kid boot camp, I think that should be my new dream. :)

So last night was the first time in nearly 14 days I had time to sit down and just be. I didn't want to talk on the phone, I didn't want to really have to talk, I just wanted to not listen to the buzzer, the bells, the kids, the grown ups, and I didn't want to help anyone, or to serve anyone, I just wanted to be. And it was glorious. I got some pizza and just laid back and watched some t.v. I felt incredibly lazy, but I got over it.

Financially things are in the toilet again. Fair week did more damage than good, which is NOT how it's supposed to go, in fact I'm worse off now than I was before fair. It's not pretty and I'm not sure if I'll still have gas or electric services by the end of the month. I'm going to have to stop ordering much, I need to horde the sales money for a bit to get caught up. I also need to speak to the bank about refinancing and putting stage 2 of my changes in motion. Stage 1 is in motion and I'll be getting more information next week hopefully. Once everything is in place that needs to be in place I'll be sure to fill everyone in. I just can't wait for it all to be finished.

Lately I've felt the need to go out again, to let loose and get a bit crazy. It comes and goes, but I know being cooped up in here during fair has a ton to do with it this time. And now I have no time to go out. Go figure right? Tonight is my first night back at Wendy's since last Wednesday, I haven't missed it a bit. But cash is cash, and I need some really bad right now. Now that fair is over I need to start working my insurance gig, I was hoping to be trained by now, but it just hasn't happened, they schedule the times when I can't go, and are almost shocked when I say I can't leave. I just don't know when people will fully understand my schedule.

Oh well, such is my life at the moment. I can't wait for Labor Day, as I will be taking off two whole days! I'll be off on that Sunday and Monday. The past previous years sales have sucked and people didn't realize I would be open, so this year I figure, why should I be? So I'm taking it off. I had planed on going to visit some friends in Kentucky, but sadly those plans aren't going to work out, as the gas money to get there is more than I can afford right now. So I'm not sure where I'll be or what I'll be doing. I'm also taking off of Wendy's!!! I told them I would be going camping. Every other manager took all the rest of the holidays off so this time I figured it was my turn! :) Woot!

Well I think that's all, I'm still bored, but I'll just go back to my computer games.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I want to hand it over.

I have been trying and trying and praying and praying for the strength to give this stress to God. I know he's big enough to take it, I know he doesn't need me to worry about it, but how do I just hand it over? How do I just let it out of my head when I'm surrounded by it daily, I'm drowning in it. How do I take this and just turn it over?

I have true faith that God can see me through this, I know he only gives me what I can handle, but I'm at my breaking point, I'm so tired of stressing about it, I'm so tired of the same thing day in and day out. I feel like if I could just cry I'd feel better. The booze doesn't help, and neither does distracting activities, it's always there, it's eating me from the inside out, how, oh how do I just let it go?

I tried to cry tonight to at least get some sort of release from my system, but I can't, I'm so mad that it won't let the depression run through my system and let it out, and I'm not sure crying about it would do a damn bit of good anyway.

I want out, I want to get in my car and run away from it all, to disappear into the night and never look back. Start over, start fresh and not make the same mistakes of my past, to live, to be free, to just start over.....fresh.

But I know I can't, I know I can't run far enough, I know that no matter where I go, it will always find me, until it's settled, until I face it, fix it and then let it go.

So in the mean time, how do I deal, how do I let God take it off of my shoulders.

I pray that tonight is the night, that tomorrow I wake up and feel anew, that I feel like he has lifted it from me, that tomorrow I become myself again.

Pray for me will ya?

Thursday, August 7, 2008

I think there is something wrong with me

No, seriously. I've been having a fantasy about a sordid love affair between me and a really cute fair worker that's been in the last couple of days.

Sad, I think I need a new hobby.


Saturday, August 2, 2008

My favorite actors

O.K. so enough with all this seriousness in life, lets talk actors!!!

I was reminded of my crushes lately with a few of the movies I've caught on t.v. or dvd, so I thought I'd discuss them here.

First there is Luke Wilson

To be honest, I hadn't really seen him in much until I saw him in Legally Blonde, and I just fell in love, or was it lust? hmmm....... anyway, how could you not love that smile! His facial expressions could melt me, I swear to you. The way he always wears his hair, it just makes his face stand out that much more, and to see him shirtless? I searched and didn't find one. Oh well, some things are better left a mystery.

Now we move onto Matthew Mcconaughey. There are many who don't like him but there is something that is so innocent about him. He can be so rugged and beautiful all at the same time. I found tons of very hot photos with him shirtless, but if I'm going to blog about it, I think I should be a little classier than that! This black and white photo is just perfect. I love when he has the 5 o'clock shadow, there's something about that, that just drives me wild! I had seen him in a few movies, but it was his very first interview on Letterman that really just had me, he had just bought his first house in L.A. and he was just captivating, it could be those eyes, I have a thing for eyes.

And now, for one of my favorites. Starting from Northern Exposure, which is a show I didn't really care for, but I watched it for him. John Corbett. He also played Aiden Shaw in Sex in the City and I just loved him. Each character the man plays has the same kindness, loving quality that makes me want to be part of the t.v. world and get to know these characters. I can't vouch for him personally as we've never met, nor would we ever, but I just adore this man. He's so cute, and vulnerable and I couldn't find a half dressed picture of him anywhere! That's virtue in hollywood, because I know he's done scenes in SITC shirtless, but I can't find any of them. He was enough for that whole season. But what sparked my interest back up was catching Raising Helen last night at a friends house. Oh he just melts my heart as Pastor Dan. Who could not love him?

So those are just three of them really, I have a long list, but I can't always remember their names or what movies they played in, I don't have a memory for that sort of thing, but when I see them I know. ;)

Saturdays are so boring so I went out on a search to find these men. Now if only I could find some real ones that I could actually meet, maybe Saturdays wouldn't be so boring anymore.

I contacted the real estate agent finally and we're going to be getting together to start forming a plan and discussing options. I just can't wait to get out from under this thing.

Anyway, have a great weekend!!

Do you know what that smell is?......change, that's what.

Yes, change is in the air, I'm taking the appropriate steps to make changes in my life. I have no idea how fast they will happen, or exactly what the changes will be, but it's coming, change is coming.

In the last few weeks here at the store, it's been an emotional roller coaster, which honestly is just about every week. We got the central air hooked up to find out it didn't work, one of the main tubes in the compressor was cracked, so it had to be junked, and yes I had to buy another one. Talk about not happy, but really, what could I do, I had already invested in the new furnace and the new A-coil and all the duct work, I had to finish it, otherwise it would have been an even bigger waste of money. So we finally got it all hooked up. It's helping a bit, it will take awhile before I can really feel the effects, but I really can't wait to be able to heat the store this winter.

So the day we finally finished that I noticed my beer cooler was running warm. Turns out it was low on Free-on, so we had the guy out to fill it and check it and it all seemed good to go again.....then yesterday I found the beer cooler to be running high again, so I made another phone call and he came out this morning to check it out. Turns out a main tube in the evaporator had a hole in it and was leaking all that free-on out of the system before it cooled anything....once again....not happy. So he spent the morning tearing it apart and seeing if he could fix it. I'm happy to say he was able to repair it, it's not the prettiest of repair jobs, but I'll be honest, if I had to replace the evaporator all together it would have been over $500, so I was happy he could fix it.

So with the equipment failures these past couple of weeks I've been a very unhappy person, and all that on top of stressing about getting the funds to buy the products I need for fair week which starts in seven days. I'm starting to hate this place a little more everyday, I need to find that old feeling of hope and ambition I once had. It's funny how in three short years things can change so much.

I have also been starting my training for the AFLAC company and being overwhelmed by the amount of products and things I'm having to learn, I've had to back off and start with one policy at a time. I'm hoping to get out on Monday and learn some more about what the heck I'm doing. I have set up a group to sign up after fair week, I'd like to know what I'm doing! ;) I'll need the money because I'm taking a week off of Wendy's for fair and the money I make from fair is going to be needed to pay bills and replace the fan motor in the dairy cooler......:( so I'm going to need some insurance sales to cushion the blow.

Other than that things just swirl around in my head so much I get dizzy. There have been topics I've wanted to blog about, but I have lacked the capacity to get them out of my head before they get fuzzy and I lose focus on them. If I'm not working then I'm trying to find ways to relax, mean time everything else just starts falling apart. Someday I will learn to balance it all, but I have no idea when that will be.

The other night I was out having a midnight swim and I began watching the ripples in the water as I moved through it. No matter how little I moved there were always ripples cascading across the pond, it was amazing. I began to think about that no matter how small the problem, it's ripples it's way through my life. I allow it to just take over, just the smallest of problems causes a pond full of ripples, I let it affect my mood with friends, or my conversations with customers, or my ambition at my other jobs. I just can't seem to separate everything. Business should be business, I should be able to let it go when the day is done, but I just dwell on it, and think about it and let it run my life. Oh when will it stop? Now that I can recognize it, how do I fix it? Oh, I don't even know if that makes sense, I get all weird when I'm out on my midnight swims, it relaxes me so much I get lost in thought. I have no idea how I'll get through the winter without being able to swim every night. I'm going to get cranky. I need a hot tub. ;)

Oh just thinking about winter gives me the chills, where did the summer go? It's only the second day of august and already we're talking about winter, how sad is that? I remember as a kid that once august hit it was time to think about school, it was getting closer and school meant the end of summer. How funny that six years later I still can't stop thinking about that. I have no kids and I'm no longer in school. We have good weather for another two months at least! I hate to think about the cold, and the heating bill....blech, I'm still paying for last winter!

So anyway, other than store drama there hasn't been much going on in my life. There isn't much of a life outside of this place to speak of, so no wonder! ;) I'm ready for a vacation, I'm glad I'm off tomorrow, I think it's a day to spend in bed doing nothing. But yet I have the yard to mow, the garage to clean out for the party, my laundry to get done, lunch with the rents, and bills to pay. Oy, I need a day off from my days off!!! Oh well, such is life.

Well I think that about sums up my life as of late, I swear this is the last paragraph. I'm off to do some dishes and maybe catch up on a few blogs.

Have a great weekend.