Saturday, August 16, 2008

Yearning for the uncertain future.

So last night I finally didn't have to work in the evening and took the evening for myself. I treated myself to some pizza and watching a movie and going to be at a decent hour, it was fantastic!! Although I didn't fall asleep as quickly as usual because I was in bed 3 hours before my usual time, but I finally did fall asleep.

But as I was laying around last night I began envisioning the future, the way I see it right now. I tried picturing myself in the new town in the new house and wondering how I'd be feeling, what it would be like again to only work one job, to have an entire day off again, to be able to do things and be able to take weekend trips. Oh it felt so wonderful. And then I began to get terrified. Would I fall into the same traps as before? Would I pretend to live this straight life? Would I be able to tell people when I met them that I was gay?

I hope I will be, it's so easy to fall back into the trap and spend more time miserable. I pictured spending a lazy day with the man I love, just making dinner and watching a movie, or sitting out on the patio talking, or one of the many things I thought about yesterday. I want that life so bad. I tired picturing having a roommate again, not even of the male persuasion but the roommate I hope to have when I move. I wonder if we'll be compatible as roommates, we've both been living alone for so long. I do think it would be fun though, I have had some good roommate experiences, not many, but when I'm able to choose, it seems to go better. I actually hope it works out, because I think it would be so much fun.

Then I began to look around my house and began dreading moving again. Packing up my life once again, moving a large portion of it to a storage unit and then moving........again. It's the part I don't look forward to, it's stressful and annoying, but I have to see it as just a step into the future. I'm ready to move on, to move onto bigger and better things, a new life, a new me, I've learned so much over the last 6 years, and I've learned more about me, what I need and what I look for. I think it's going to be easier to be away this time. While I've made some really close friends while I've been back, and strengthened some friendships, I can't live for them, I have to live for me. I just hope they'll come see me.

Well the fair is over, my cute carnie is gone, and he never caved to my wishful and flirty ways. I don't think he caught on, or he just wasn't interested, for one reason or another. But he was fun to look at. :)

Last night I caught one of my favorite episodes of Sex in the City, it's the episode where Aiden (John Corbett...see previous post) is sprawled out on the bed wearing nothing but a pair of tighty whities. Oh, that man makes my heart go pitter patter. Just thought I would mention that. ;)

Have a great day.

1 comment:

  1. What a nice ending to that blog!
    And you are right. You have to live life for YOU. :-)
    Moving is stressful, but you have to keep looking at the end destination. It's worth it.