Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Not enough

For the last three days now I've been waking up early in a stressful ball of nerves.  My dreams have been waking me up, dreams about times and situations where I haven't been enough, and today of situations where I'm feeling like I'm not enough.  Three days now of my subconscious either reminding me of where I've failed or trying to get me to think about ways I'm doing it again.

I awake and lay there trying to calm myself but it leads further down that path, if I awake from one situation my mind will start to wander down similar paths but different situations.  Today I woke up stressed out about my current job, not that the job is stressful but my mind is playing tricks on me during this time where I'm the supervisor, but not really the supervisor and what I need to do to show them I can do it without having the actual power or backup systems of being the supervisor.  My mind is trying to show me the ways I'm failing and when I wake up it reminds me how I have failed in previous jobs and where I went wrong and inevitably I end up where I was 7 years ago.  I emotionally end up battered and bruised and feeling unworthy. 

Eventually the other side of my brain as I force myself awake tries and tries to remind me that this is not the case, that this all stems from being around bad people who I thought were "friends" most of my life and the mental abuse I withstood from 2000-2005.  While I have been slowly figuring the truth out, in those moments when I first awake from these dreams I'm back there in those original moments, reliving them and not being able to escape.  I force myself awake to think about other things in my life that are good, and remind myself how much good is in my life now, how much positive reinforcement I have now, and so on and so forth.

I'm fairly certain the previous blog post was the stem of all this uncertainty in my subconscious, the timing is impeccable and creates the slippery slope I find myself on.  Now comes the challenge of stopping it because at least now I know it must stop.  At least I now know that much of this was false and that I am enough.  It's a battle between the subconscious and the conscious.  I know who usually wins when I'm awake, now to figure out those dream battles.  Well I think for now I'll try to salvage the last couple hours before I need to get up.

Monday, September 10, 2012

A moment in my mind

I have spent the last 6 months purposely working on my self esteem, especially when it comes to my own thoughts and my internal monologue.  I have been getting much better at not talking myself down and finding self worth in myself, appreciate myself and just generally being nicer to myself in the hopes that if I found love with myself, perhaps I would be ready to let others love me. 

Six seconds into a conversation with a cute boy who was interested in at least getting to know something about me and I completely mentally melted down back into the person and the thoughts I was over six months ago.  I had problems keeping a conversation going because in my head I kept asking why a cute boy would talk to me, why he would even move seats to talk to me.  I couldn't understand anything that was happening.  I faked it as much as I could to keep the crazy on the inside, but I was just a hot mess inside. 

Ug.  Why can't I just live in the moment and meet new people like the normals?  How is it I can see value in myself until someone else tries to?  How do I get this to stop?  Perhaps I just need to jump into these situations more until they feel normal.  I don't know, all I know is it's just time for this to stop, it holds me back so much, it just needs to end.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

T.V. Divas

So the last couple of weeks I started watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. It's the usual campy lawyer, dumb girl gone smart show that overall was pretty predictable, but about three episodes in I was floored by the strong subtext in the show. There is this amazing sub story about the main character and how she finds this inner strength to carry herself with such confidence. The main character was born a thin supermodel, super might be stretching it, but you get the point, some things happen and she ends up in the body of an over weight smart lawyer. The sub context in this story line blew me away. I couldn't stop watching because of this whole thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I can still find it so amazing that big people can have this confidence and this attitude of "yeah, this is me, get over it and love it". I have been working on it and searching for it, and this show came along just at a time I was giving up on it. I know it's just a t.v. show and it's just a character, but the writing for this character had to come from somewhere and it's just simply amazing.

To top it off I started watching season 3 of Ru Paul's Drag Race, I hate that I love that show so much. In season three they have three big girls, a couple of them are really big, and they have this amazing attitude that I wish I could bottle up and take myself. It's just like confidence is jumping out at me right now in so much that I watch or observe. It's telling me that's it's possible to love who you are, no matter what size you are, and no matter who you are. It's odd that I find this concept so hard to grasp. I love the idea of having this confidence, it would show through in every avenue of life and can be infectious.

Over the next year I'm really going to start making a physical and mental effort to work on this confidence, this confidence to just shine and be who I am and love myself for it. I'm going to work on no apologies for who I am, no excuses for my body. I am who I am and it's just time to love it. If I love myself and believe in myself enough, who knows what kind of year it could be. I am this size because a smaller body could not handle my personality. :)

I'll get there, I just know it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Conversation

So I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister after dinner one night just talking and catching up on this and that and we talked about one of my sister's best friends from high school. They roomed together the first two years of college and were as tight as two friends could be. They agreed on so much and talked about their very open minded ideas and such. Since then, said friend went to seminary and began working for a very fire and brimstone church in Columbus as a youth administrator of some sort and has since pretty much broken communication with my sister because of her crazy liberal agenda and that's what we were talking about.

My sister had told us about this conversation they had in college about gay christians and how wrong the church had it and how closed minded it was. They were both good friends with a guy who was in seminary wanting to be a preacher for a church community who would never hire him because of his partner. She said they went on and on about the changes that needed (and eventually were indeed changed) happen. Well she recently ran into her and they spoke for awhile and my sister was getting updated on her marriage and new baby (now nearly 2 years old) and such and talked a little about church, if she still enjoyed her church and the changes in our hometown church which evidentally drove her family out of our church. They started to debate it a little and said friend told my sister that she couldn't believe she could be a part of a church community that accepted "those homos" they would destroy the fabric of the church and go against the bible and so on and so forth. My sister at this point ended the conversation and pretty much wrote off the friendship at that point.

Well this is where it gets interesting because my Mom starts to speak up. I'm putting it in quotes but I can tell you it is probably not word for word, but it's very close because it still sticks in my mind.
"Did you ask her what she would say if Henry (her baby) were to tell her that he was gay? Does she think she would stop loving him because of something as silly as being gay? What kind of mother would that make her? What kind of church is she working at anyway? It doesn't seem like a very christian friendly church to me"

She spoke more on the subject just basically supporting the above statements and such and to be honest at first I didn't even catch on to what she first said, but as soon as the conversation ended and we were all headed off in different directions I had gotten in my car and just sat there for a minute as it hit me and started to sink in.

Did I really just hear that? Did that really just happen? Was this all a set up to get me to come out to them finally? I'm now convinced they both know and are slowly trying to get me to open up about it and they are now working on the comfort level to lay some ground work to make it easier. As I was driving to my next destination for the evening I kept hitting myself wondering why I didn't catch on earlier and just take that opportunity, to finally put it out there and be done with all this craziness in my head. I nearly cried just running that conversation over and over in my head and to be honest have done it a thousand times since that day.

To hear the sincerity in her voice, to see the concern and passion in her face, she knows, she just knows. It feels like another message, another building block in not so distant future new relationship we are laying the ground work for without actually saying it. It still nearly brings me to tears. I haven't talked about it with anyone because it's just been bouncing around in my head trying to process and trying realize the depth of that conversation and what it means to me and how that will affect the timeline of how this goes, but it certainly brings me a little more comfort.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Vacation

So I guess it's been a few weeks ago now I finally took some time off. 9 whole days as a matter of fact. 9 whole days off of work, and still got paid. It's been quite awhile since I've done that, and it felt good. I battled for months over where to go, who to see, etc. I ended up making a list of the places I wanted to go and the people I wanted to see and then realized few people have time off during the week to visit and also had to list how long it had been since I had seen each person. Then there was the weather to take into consideration, there are trips that can be done over the winter (since starting in January I will have 17 days of vacation/Paid Time Off to use on my whim. I ended up planning a trip to Michigan. The plan was to drive up on Friday and stay with LeighAnn over the weekend, then I splurged and got a great hotel room about an hour north from there right on the lake for the night, and then head through Michigan on Monday and stop and see a few people, have dinner at my favorite restaurant and then head to my parents for the remainder of the vacation. Things changed a bit because I went with the flow and just tried to enjoy as much time with people as I could.

The 6 hour drive wasn't as bad as I was thinking it could have been but I made it up there and no soon than I parked my car we were pretty much headed out to the bar to meet some of her friends. I had only met one of these friends before but they were a great group of people. We spent the evening having drinks at their favorite dive bar with a really cute waiter who wore an amazing pair of blue camo boxer briefs, how do I know you might ask? Well he showed us, it was just that kind of fun night. lol.

Saturday we met up with some more friends to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game at a sports bar by her house and much fun was had. That night we had the Zombie Apocalypse party. It's quite the conversation that has led to this party, but it went well. We had a brain shaped jello mold loaded with vodka, brain shaped rice crispy treats, and some really bad zombie movies. At the beginning of the party each person was given 2 bait cards. As we watched and critiqued the zombie movies and what the survivors were doing wrong, if someone said something stupid you gave them your bait card and at the end of the night whoever had the most bait cards was going to be our zombie bait so the rest of us could get away.

Well needless to say, 1 simple comment and I got like 12 bait cards at once. All I said was "Hey, that zombie's pretty cute, could I keep him tied up as my pet?" I mean really if he's tied up what harm could come to anyone in the compound? Yeah, I guess I deserved them, but we laughed so hard all night long. She has some pretty amazing and very cute friends, yes I may have flirted a bit, but it wasn't going to get me anywhere so it was harmless.

Sunday she treated me to her famous New Mexico style enchiladas that she used to make me when we were in college, I love them and hadn't had one in so long. It was amazing. Throughout the weekend we decided that I would head north for the night and then come back and pick her up and we would go to Detroit together and make it a road trip as it was also her favorite restaurant. I knew it would be a ton more fun driving to Detroit if I had company, especially her and I.

So Sunday I was in Muskegon, Michigan. The hotel was beautiful, the room was great, but there is NOTHING in Muskegon, NOTHING. It didn't matter much I had a king suite with a jacuzzi, so I didn't need to leave the room. I enjoyed some much needed me time and some great naked hot tubing gazing out over the lake as I sipped on my beverage. It was very relaxing and well worth the money, which was an amazing discount since it was off season.

Monday and I went and picked her back up and we drove to Detroit and got to eat at our favorite place, and even took two to go orders back with us, two a piece. lol. We drove by some of our old favorites, we walked through campus which was so creepy to me, it's so different and while it sometimes feels like yesterday was creepy to realize I graduated from there 9 years ago already. Oh but we had some laughs. On the way back to her place (2 1/2 hours away) we stopped and saw an old friend of mine and had dinner with her between classes and had a good time and then headed back to GR.

I had planned on heading to my parents but our road trip conversations had just hit an ultimate depth level and I wasn't ready to leave so I decided to stay another night. We hung out with her friend Cara for awhile and then I finally fell asleep. Tuesday I drove to my parents and spent the rest of the week/weekend catching up with so many people and running around like crazy from place to place trying to cram in as much as I could in 5 days. I did pretty good and didn't get any messages from people upset that I wasn't visiting them, of course I think they got the hint last time. I have priorities when I visit the old home front, my family and those that think enough of me to call/text/email/facebook with me in the year that I had been gone. I realized over the last year I had too many "friendships" that were totally one sided and I just stopped worrying about them so much.

I had a great vacation, so much laughing and catching up with people. I even hit up the club on Tuesday night with some of the old club goers and had a dragalicious night as always. I did realize though that I enjoy my time off more if I'm with people. While I enjoyed my time in Muskegon just relaxing and doing nothing, I had really wished I had brought people with me. I get bored pretty easily now if there isn't something to be done, but I managed o.k and learned that for next time.

I felt bad for the directions I wasn't able to go this time, but there are just so many people that I care about and care about me in all different directions, it's so difficult to manage a trip to them all in such a short time. I plan on extended weekends all throughout next year to hit up those that I missed, because I really did/do miss them. You know who you are.

I will probably not do another 9 days stretch again as it really screws up my paycheck, no third shift premium, no overtime, it was just not good, but I don't regret it, I just learned from it and enjoyed it all the same.

There was an interesting conversation that I heard at my parents when I was there, though that is tomorrow's blog post, that little morsel I've been chewing on and processing since.

Anytime anyone wants to have a Zombie apocalypse party though, just let me know because it was hilarious!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I've said it once, I've said it twice....

Oh how I have some great posts just waiting to be written, I just don't make the time to actually sit at the computer to write them and it's so hard to type a post on my phone, but they are coming I promise!

Oh such good ones! There is vacation, a tid bit I've been chewing on and processing since vacation, the kitchen remodel, mind blowing television with strong subtexts, oh so many. Maybe with a teaser I'll make a little time to get them out of my head.

Soon, until then, I must sleep, although I've slept most of the last three days away, but that's besides the point.

Until then loves.


wow, since when am I british?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Photo Memories - Growing up

Seriously, how cute am I? That's me with my lawn mower, no I didn't sleep with it, it stayed outside, it was a lawn mower after all. I loved to pretend to mow the yard, I loved our yard. There was always so much to do. That patch of concrete was so random, there was the concrete path I am on that lead from the patio out to a square of concrete that you can see at the end of the path. We always assumed that the previous owners had a table or something out there, it was the middle of the yard and just never really made sense. Behind me there was a pipe in the ground where dad said there used to be a grill. It was so weird, but it fed into our imagination so much. We used it as home base in games, we used it as a garage for our bikes, a meeting place, and so many other things that I'm forgetting now as an adult. It was there for years and years until we finally removed it when we put the family room onto the back of the house and had to take it out.

The side you can see our sand box aka sand tractor tire. Throughout the years that things moved location several times depending on where dad put it to keep it out of the way of the mower. I loved the sand tire, my match box cars would be loaded with sand by the end of the summer and who knows what was all burried in it. Dad said it was a treasure hunt everytime he emptied it to move it. In the background is the swing set. We had a total of two swing sets, this one and the one that came when my sister came. We beat the ever loving crap out of that swing set. We would get the teater totter so high and eventually broke it off, the two seater swing on the left side we broke eventually too from rocking that thing so hard it finally sheared off the bolts. Oh we spent so many hours on that thing.

The thing that struck me the most as I found this picture was the activity going on around me. Kids playing games behind me, adults all over the place, and was typical for me, pushing around my mower and just playing off by myself. I got along with other kids, but I often didn't feel included in anything so I often just removed myself and did my own thing. Even being very young I didn't want someone to include me because they had to, or because they felt bad for me so at those times I would just wonder off, not to be missed and went and played by myself off to the side.

When I started to think about it I realized just how often this happened. It happened all through my childhood, even when I was a part of team sports. I never got into team sports because it never felt like a team, I always felt like it was them and then me. I played soccer for a year, I tried and tried and was an o.k. player but the other kids would hardly know my name, or wouldn't kick to me, or even look in my direction even though I was open and had a good kick. At breaks everyone would go get water or huddle together without me, I was always two steps behind and eventually I gave up. I stopped trying to catch up to them and stopped caring about it and at that point the sport would end for me.

I even joined baseball, once again I wasn't the best but I tried and I tried hard. I listened to the coaches and any advice anyone would give me, I wanted to be good. Eventually I would hear comments from the other kids while I was batting or when I was in the dug out, I would get excluded from huddles, they would never throw the ball to me even though I was really good at catching and would end up in right field only if they had a strong first baseman. I was the fat kid people kept pushing around to non needed positions so I could feel like I was a part of the team without them needing me. At the end of the game if we won everyone would be together and celebrating and I would try to join in and would be pushed out of the group or into the back of the line so no one would have to associate with me, and eventually I gave up on that too.

I did have a year in minor league that I enjoyed for the most part. It was like a field team for little league. I had a great coach who saw how hard I was trying and spent time with me to teach me things to improve my game. I really thrived that year. I remember one of my last games I knocked the ball all the way to the fence in the outfield, just about a foot short of an automatic homerun and everyone was stunned. The coach was cheering me one and I ran, I ran as fast as I could to get around those bases, but I was a heavier child and I remember as I was nearly to third base hearing my team mates yelling at me to run faster, I got to third and the coach told me to stop because the ball was already back to the pitcher and if I tried for home they would have gotten me out. I remember trying to catch my breath waiting for the next batter and I was beaming, the coach was patting me on the back telling me what a great job I did and I heard my team mates complaining in the back ground that if I wasn't so fat I could have had a home run. I finished the last game or two and never went back.

Most of my life I've felt alone and it has run through into adult life. I have problem engaging in a crowd, I have a really hard time even considering team sports or teams or groups of any kind. They rarely ever go well for me, I always feel like the outsider. I felt like I was always just outside of everything watching everyone else live in the moment, support each other and be there for one another, while I would sit outside of the radar, by myself.

Even today I have a hard time asking anyone for help, for anything really. I don't ask people to help me with much of anything, I have this belief, based on years of experience, that no one will help anyway. I don't belong to groups because I'm never a part of them, I don't plan group activities because people don't show up. I keep trying to convince myself each time will be different, that it was years ago and I was just a kid, but those feelings are just so powerful. I try to not get emotionally attached when I am part of a group because I just know how it ends. It's the basis of some serious trust issues, confidence issues, and the reasoning behind not understanding group settings.

The pain of it all is that I long to be involved, I long to belong, I am envious of strong groups and want so badly to be a social butterfly. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe by singling out these feelings and starting to break down where these things stem from I can deal with it, understand it and move on, but I just don't know how.

Most of my life, I have dealt with it like this:

OH yeah, alone with my chocolate bunny at grandmas. It's funny, when I see myself sitting on that couch, still thin, I just want to take me aside and work with me on separating food from emotions because this was just the beginning of the slippery slope I found myself on since. I wonder what my life could have been like, how might have things been different, but at the same time I know I may not have ever known the people that I love so much and might have not had the same experiences that I've had and I may not appreciate life as much now if I had not gone through all those things. I just wish there were better tools for kids to learn how to deal with life and the things that life throws at you.

I love my life, I love the people in it now, I just sometimes wish that all those years would not have created such a build up of scar tissue on my heart because these people that I love so much could have had an easier time reaching me.