Thursday, December 27, 2007
O.K. so christmas eve was a good day at the store, better than I was expecting but nothing to do cartwheels over, but I was happy. I had started to stress throughout the day about getting my shopping done. I had simplified the list so I knew Wal-Mart would have what I wanted, I knew where to find it and was pumped and ready to fight the crowd. Six o'clock rolled around and I was off, I drove straight to Wal-Mart to do my late single busy man christmas shopping, and what do I find when I arrive? The store is closed. They too closed at 6 o'clock for the holidays. WTF? Where does a single man do his christmas shopping on Christmas Eve if even Wal-Mart is closed?
So I sat in the parking lot doing alot of swearing and regretting not doing it at 1am the night before like I should have and thinking where else could I get to and back in an hour before I had to go to mom and dad's.... hmmm....So I thought I would try the next big town over, about twenty minutes, they were bigger and had better stores. So I drive the twenty minutes and make it to K-mart. YES! They are open until midnight!!! Woot! Christmas has been saved!!! I find my parking space amongst the nearly 1000 cars it felt like and ran inside. Marathon shopping was on my mind. I race to the electronics and wham! nothing I need, nothing I could even attempt to pass off as thoughtful. Damn. Next item.....nothing....Final item.....nothing. WTF??? I was getting pissy. So I race around trying to find something thoughtful, found somethings, but wrong size, found some other things wrong colors, etc... I was now really mad. I was hungry, I was cold, I was in a rush.
So in defeat I drove to mom and dad's and told the story about the christmas of print outs that was going to be. They tried to make me feel better but I only got more and more bitter about my work schedule as time went on. I ran home to get ready for church, trying to let it go so I could enjoy the service I most look forward to in the year. The candlelight service at 11pm. There is just something so magical about it. I was a little fearful as I have been having religion anxiety as of late for reasons I can't even begin to get into right now, so I was hoping this night would be different. I was still hungry and really tired. But I made it to church, ended up helping to usher (my first time) and truely enjoyed the service, it was just as magical as it ever was. I felt the spirit of christmas, the shopping troubles melted away and I was drawn into the whole scene. The special music, all the people from out of town, I loved it all. That night I went home and was up until 3 am wrapping gifts, printing out pictures and such and then finally passed out after a good ole jack and coke. Yumm!
The next morning I woke up late, rushed to get ready and went back to church for Christmas Day service. Felt really good, I was awake and felt alive. Christmas later with the family was a great day. I got a bit cranky trying to set up my dad's new laptop, but I soon got over it and was nearly drifting off to a good christmas nap when we got the call my cousin's were in town from Indy. So we run over to grandma's and spend a wonderful time with my cousins.
I have many, many, many cousins who I love dearly, but there are two in particular. The three of us grew up together. Me, Jason and Andy (in age order) We are all within a year of eachother age wise so at every family gathering we were together. Well the ones that Jason was at as he was living in Jersey. But regardless we were always together. So we are standing together in the kitchen talking and someone takes note that it has been years since the three of us have been together at the same time at the same place, so they decide to photograph the moment. Nice way to ruin a conversation. ; ) So anyway, there I stand, the oldest of the three. Andy standing next to his wife and new baby, and Jason on the other side of me with his new wife.
Here I am, feeling more alone and more pitiful by the moment. Feeling more single than I ever have in my entire life. It just crushed my night. So in true myself fashion I made the joke, "O.k. everyone laugh at the fat single guy in the middle" which was followed by the pitiful "Awww...." Yeah, not quite the laugh I was hoping for. Now my jokes are even pittiful. But it was around then I realized I had to leave to get to job #3 and clean. So I took my leave feeling sad and depressed, but so happy we all got to see eachother, I just tried to take comfort in that.
I get to the Legion and the party is still going on so I go home and moved some furniture (don't ask me where the motivation came from) and set up my new toys, my new DVD player and home theater system (don't get too excited, I only wanted the very small inexpensive one) but took my aggresions out on cleaning and organizing. I felt good and went to clean, got home and in bed around 2 am. yeah, seriously? Can my schedule get any worse? I'm feeling tired just looking at that number!
Since then it's been same old same old. Store, work, work. yeah, it's a blast. Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic about college life after talking to Judith about some good times I had and sent an email to my friend L who I hadn't talked to in nearly a year. It was short and funny just to let her know I was thinking about her. Then Tony calls and says he's going to be around this weekend and wanted to know if I was up for a visit! I was hel# yeah foshizle! So Saturday my old roommate from college will be visiting, which is very exciting. I haven't talked to him much in the last year as our schedules (mine) is not very condusive to long telephone conversations to catch up on what we've been doing. I can't wait.
So today my friend Faith shows up and I got to catch up with her some while she was here, it wsa prettles day so time is kind of tight. But we had a good visit. I kept thinking how great it was to see people from forever ago and catch up. Well I'm sitting down at my desk (did I mention how bad business has been today?) and my phone rings. Turns out it is L from Michigan! She got my message and decided it was time to visit me! She's not busy until the 12th. so she had time to finally come down and see me. Woot!! So I've been reliving all these wonderful memories and I can't wait to see her!! This christmas has been good for catching up with old friends. I'm strarting to miss the rest of my friends as well! Damn work schedule.
So phew! There we go, that's the minute to minute update. Now some things rattling around in my brain:
In many conversations of recent with Judith I have been thinking more and more. About what you may ask? I'm not sure. Yeah, it's one of those. We have been discussing helping others, how some feel they are called to help more needy people than others are. We discussed the cynicalness of people when seeing a needy person on the street and the state of affairs we are all in, so I just start thinking, am I helping enough? Am I pushing myself to help more people? Am I helping anyone at all? Or am I so wrapped up in my selfish life that I don't make time to help others. I was very confused, but throughout the conversations I've been realizing my purpose of helping others is to listen. God has created in me a great listener. I've heard it all, and someday I'm going to write a book. Watch out!! I feel I'm here to be an ear, to be a shoulder and let people vent or just talk out loud to sort things out. I'm not one for great advice, anyone who knows me will tell you that.
But I listen like a champ. I ask good questions and help people without even knowing it (or maybe I do know it...hmmm.....) But maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe I am a comforting soul to open up to. Many people open up to me without ever realizing what they are saying until they are done. I should have been a psyciatrist, I'd be making a TON more money and be able to help people financially as well. ; )
So anyway, there have been alot of thoughts running through my head, people, things, situations, it's been crazy. There hasn't been a dull moment in awhile, but honestly I'm ready for a bit of a dull moment. Not alot, just a small one to get my head to turn off for awhile. I'm sure I have forgotten some things I wanted to say, but for now that will be all.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
"So now that I have told you all my secrets from my past, the dark stuff I don't tell alot of people, what is your deepest secret?"
I just started shaking and my heart was racing and I asked if she really wanted to know, and of course she did want to know, so I told her.
"Remember the online dating situation I was blogging about a month or two ago? Well his name was Michael. I'm gay."
She had this look of shock on her face, not disgusted or hate, just shocked. We talked about it for quite awhile, and it's not as if it changed her views on me at all, but it made more sense. G hates men for many reasons, she wants to be close to them but she runs from them because of her past but she has always felt open and always shared with me and she couldn't understand what made me so different, and at that moment she figured it out. I wasn't a threat of any kind.
I have some of the most amazing friends on this planet, I'm just so sad it's taken me 30 years to find them and surround myself with them. Life is good and G is freakin awesome.
G came over Saturday around 7pm. I had thought we would watch a movie or two and catch up on old times and I figured probably crash around 1 or 2, I was wrong. We talked non stop until about 6:45am Sunday morning. The only time we stopped talking was if one of us was using the bathroom or we were mixing drinks (nearly an entire bottle of JD). We caught up on old times and had some seriously fantastic conversations about everything and anything. It was so freaking awesome to have that much conversation that didn't involve the store or Nappy town. I loved it. We both got so tired at different points, but I didn't want to end the evening, so one of us would bring up a refreshing topic and we'd keep going. One of these nights B and I are going to have a night like that too, we just never have the proper timing to be able to have the time to have a night like that. But it will happen. ; )
One bad thing that came out of the evening was how utterly exhuasted we were the next morning. She left for church (late) and I was sooo tired for my family christmas. We rented the hall that I clean to hold it, so I went early and cleaned from the night before and helped set everything up. Then as more and more people showed up I retreated to the kitchen. Of course, fat man standing in the kitchen, people just assume I'm eating. I wasn't. I was retreating from the overwhelming anxiety I was having.
As I grow older I have more and more anxiety in crowds. It's a nervous condition that seems to be handed down every few generations from my mom's side of the family. I get really tense in crowds, and feel like my mind is spinning and I can't concentrate, I just get jittery until I get out of them. Having only a few hours of sleep that night only compounded it, as well as the mass amounts of business I have had in the last few days dealing with a ton of customers who were not all very pleasent. So I hid in the kitchen, and it seemed eventually one by one they all made their way back to visit with me.
By the time we served dinner I was feeling better and rejoined the group to eat and then I started falling asleep at the table, so I had to get up and walk around outside in the FREEZING windy weather. It woke me up so I could rejoin everyone for the gift portion of the night.
My mom's side of the family is very large. Three boys, three girls, and one "step" sister. We never consider the word "step" in our family, you're either family or not. So anyway, each of my mom's brothers and sisters each of three children and then four of those have children now. And we all still have christmas together so lets see.... that's roughly fourty people of people we all know very well and love. This year we all opted out of our normal drawing names and exchanging gifts practice and spent that money on 2 things. We sent a care package filled with goodies and much needed items to a local soldier in Iraq and the money left from the package is the foundation of our family team for Relay for Life. We are going to have a family team in the next relay to support my aunt that has just finished Chemo.
We've already got a camper lined up for the event and starting to discuss who's walking when and other items we can sell to raise more money. I'm going to be selling a couple of roasters worth of prettles that night for a free will donation, and this one is the best. I'm going to put a jar up in the store, and if my customers can raise $1,000 (I think I might raise it a bit higher) I am going to let my family shave my head for Relay. My aunt is just now starting to grow her hair back and we've all talk about shaving ours in support but never got around to it. But I figured if I can raise the money for her then I'll shave my head for her just to do it. I think it will be fun.
Now I'm not sure if I've ever blogged about my feelings towards Relay for Life or not. Until recently I have had no use for the program, I have this belief that no matter what we discover there will never be a cure for cancer. Why you ask? Because it's all about money. The kind of money the health care industry makes because of this illness is so astronomical that there is no way they would want to give that up. They say they do, but they don't. I just see the FDA putting a stop to anything people come up with for a cure. But what I've realised in the last year since my aunt got sick is that it creates hope. Without hope and dreams the human race is just mindless. So I have gotten behind the cause and will do my best to raise a crap load of money for the organization because I saw how much it means to my aunt, how this group of people rallies behind these survivors and the family of the lost to provide hope, to fight the fight and at least try. How can I turn my back on that? Had it not been for the hopes and dreams of the people before us my aunt never would have survived the 5# tumor, she wouldn't be here and would have passed even before my uncle passed this summer.
So starting soon I hope people will stop by and help me raise money, I'm going to walk late at night and will probably be raising pledges for that as well, so you'll hear from me again, but if you don't want to, just help me raise the thousand dollars and shave my head. It would great fun!! I may even close the store early that Friday and open late on Saturday so I can be there even more. I'm looking forward to seeing my aunt walk the first lap as a survivor.
So anyway, that's pretty much it. I still have shopping to do for christmas tomorrow with the family and for a couple of other people, if the wallet holds out that long. Tomorrow is christmas with the fam. I love it. Tonight is my mom, dad, sister and I to open our stockings. Then tomorrow my brother and sister-in-law join us for dinner and our family gifts. Starting tonight is my favorite part of christmas. We start tonight with a candlelight service at church singing christmas hymns with a series of 12 shorter sermons and the christmas story in between. I love it.
So anyway, to all of you in cyber land......MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My long lost friend from out of town is visiting tonight. I'm so excited and yet so nervous. When she stopped in the other day it was like staring at the person I used to know, the one that was always nice to me, I was nice to her, but we didn't really know much about each other at all. But the online friend I know now knows tons about me and we share alot of deep secrets and feelings, how do I merge the two in my head? I'm going to have a glass or two of wine before she comes over to loosen me up, it will be easier to merge the two people in my mind. It should be a great night of talking.
I'm not sure if she has feelings for me or not, but I think tonight I'm going to tell her, hopefully before she says anything about feelings so I don't have make her feel like an idiot. She's far from an idiot but that's how I would feel if I proclaimed my love or desires to find out the other person isn't interested! So I want to avoid that at all costs. But she has ties to my life now, other people that know me, I have to trust that she will keep it a secret until the time comes I'm ready to reveal the truth. I think she will, it should be an interesting conversation. ; )
So anyway I think that's all, not much going on besides my raging hormones, I really wish I could tame them. Haven't started talking to the local guy yet about meeting, but maybe after christmas, it would be nice I think. We'll see where time takes me.
So anyway that's all, I should go.
Friday, December 21, 2007
One friend I had never spoken to until she showed up at my store, It took me while, but I knew she was coming. I read what we had written back and forth and had to keep this information in my head. When we met I had to remind myself that this person knew me better than most of my friends at that time so I had to lunge that forward in my brain to react properly. A warm hello and a hug! It's not that I didn't want to, but suddenly someone you had only written to was standing infront of you. Why is it so much easier to say things online? Suddenly when the person is infront of you, you realize they are real and they know you very well.
My friend from out of town is finally back in town. We knew each other a long time ago but didn't really "know" each other. We weren't bff or anything, but we certainly didn't not like each other. In the last year or so we have grown close over myspace, we have had online conversations that I haven't had with other people. And when she showed up to my store it was like my brain froze. Suddenly the things I was saying became real. How do you go from the keyboard to talking? I'm going to find out because she knows so much about me now, and she'll be here for an evening of catching up. I'm excited and yet I wonder if I'll be able to speak as freely about stuff when she's sitting across from me.
It's such a different world with all this technology. I found it so amazing still the other day as I was chatting with two different people that live 5 hours from each other by car. But as I was chatting they were right next to each other. IT makes me sound like a freak, but technology has truely amazed me. Pretty amazing the amounts of people it has brought together. I have several friends that married someone they have met online. Would they have met otherwise? It's a pretty amazing thing.
Well it's a bit incoherent, but I'm so tired I'm not sure what I'm typing anymore. Just going to stop now.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
These are so acurate it's scarry!!!
Take it yourself here:
You are an Artist
Your appreciation of beauty, ability to think abstractly, and innovativeness make you an ARTIST.
Never one to be tied to a particular way of doing things, you let your imagination guide you in discovering different possibilities.
You would rather seek out new experiences than stick to your everyday habits, taking in as much of the world as possible.
Your eye for beauty and your willingness to consider different perspectives make your creative efforts interesting—even though you may not realize this yourself.
You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options.
While there are forms and styles that you prefer, you tend to keep an open mind when it comes to your artistic preferences.
You are curious about things, interested in the "why" more than the “how.”
You have an active imagination that leads you express yourself in a distinct way.
You're not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.
You are Considerate
You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
Your close friends know you as a good listener.
|Trust in others|| ||52|
|Attention to style|| ||12|
Monday, December 17, 2007
I actually grew up down the street from Jonny and his wife. They lived in a tiny little shack at the end of our street and we were always afraid of them. Not because they were mean, but because they were different. They were middle aged and it didn't seem like they cared about how they looked or how their house looked. Now that I'm older I can understand that. They are who they are and don't really care what people think.
They didn't have a lot of money and did what they could. Several years ago Jonny's wife died. What I have learned since is that she was his caretaker. She took care of the money, the house work and everything. His job was to go to work, make the money and take care of his wife financially and mentally. They loved each other, it's something you can't see when you're young, but I know that now. I didn't really know Jonny until he started coming in here and my aunt pointed out he worked with her.
When his wife died, my aunt and her co-workers took him under their wing when they discovered just how lost he was without his wife. He didn't know anything about a check book, or bank accounts, or cleaning, or even the answering machine. His wife did everything like that. So they took their time and showed him how to balance a check book, where his money was supposed to go, what bills he had, and how to work the answering machine. They made him self sufficient.
As I've gotten to know Jonny I've realized he does the same thing for everyone he knows. If they are hard up for money, he gives them money or buys them the things they need to survive. If they are lonely he has a party, if his friends are out of work he hires them to work on his house that he has completely transformed in the last three years. He'd rather pay his friends than the crazy contractors he had hired. His friends are very loyal to him and help out when they are needed. He brings companionship to each of them, each of them that seems like social outcasts find solace at Jonny's.
Jonny enjoys his baseball. He stays busy most of the time but if there is a good baseball game on he's not to be found anywhere but his recliner watching the game. He works seven days a week and doesn't complain unless he's been on vacation for a week, then he doesn't want to go back. Who can blame him? He has a heart of gold and is very generous and supportive, he's good people.
Jonny told me one night he would rather pay a few extra bucks to help keep me in business because he'd rather come here and be treated like a human being than go to a chain store and be treated like a dollar amount, that and my prices are so great he saves money!! ; ) He's not happy with a decision until he's really thought it out and tried everything. He's currently looking for a church to attend and has nearly attended every church in town and is narrowing his choices down. He's a very complete thinker.
I enjoy helping Jonny, he has become a very good customer. Beer, milk, bread, chips and deli meat and somtimes candy. Jonny is fun to talk to, and while he likes his plaid pants he is still so much fun. People are scared off by the pants or his semi bad teeth, but behind all that is a man who would do anything for you and is so much fun to talk to.
Jonny is da man.
Time evolved and by the time I moved to Michigan I was using instant messaging, emailing tons of people and finding people I hadn't seen in forever. And now, here I am, I am part of a few online communities, operate a few different blogs, made friends all over the country, met new friends and became closer to even more!! What a great part of my life this has become.
Of course it has also sucked me into it's vortex of procrastination. Trying to keep up with everything I'm a part of, keeping me from taking care of my house, or myself even! I'm horribly addicted. hehehehehehehe
So anyway, where the heck did that come from? Well it's Christmas time, hard to believe it's nearly here already! I can hardly believe it. I still have 2 strings of lights on my tree burned out that I need to replace, I'm so bad. I might get around to that tonight, maybe. ; ) I did finally start christmas shopping. Got most of it done, but there are a few people that have stumped me. I pride myself in finding great gifts, but with my budget this year I'm a bit stumped. There are the people in my life that already have everything and it leaves me wondering what the heck in my price range they could use?
The weather is disgusting. Snow, ice, blech, I could do without it. I made Shelly promise to bring back warmth from San Diego with her, she gets back tomorrow so it better warm up or I'll be sad. ; ( I often ask myself, "self, why on earth did you stay in Ohio and move to Michigan and back to Ohio if you hate winter so much?" I have no answer, we are all drawn to one place or another for various reasons. For some reason I ended up back here. Time to move Mohring's I think. Somewhere along 75 in a warm climate. ; ) Yeah, prettles and palm trees! hahahahahahhaaha
The weekend was rather dull, but wasn't bad, I really enjoyed it. Business was great because of the impending storm and I watched SuperBad with Scott one night. That movie is pretty freakin funny! We really want to see Last Man or whatever the new Will Smith movie is called, it looks really good! That and Swiney Todd, that movie looks great too! I love this time of year, so many great movies come out!
I hope you enjoy the new picture on the profile, it was a fun night. It was the weekend before my birthday and my monkey crew took me out to dinner. What is a monkey crew you may ask? It's the people that introduced me to Monkey Bay wine. It's incredible!!! It's been downhill since then. We're wine testers, bottle by bottle we find wines we enjoy. The group hasn't grown much but we all seem to be so busy. It's time for a Monkey night again sometime soon.
Speaking of nights, it's soon time for JD night! I don't know if I'm more excited about JD or getting to see Genia again!!! I haven't seen her for like 13 years!!! Obviously I'm a bit more excited to see Genia again, but the JD will top off the night!!! ; ) So glad she was able to fit in visitation time this trip. ; ) It will be a good christmas and I'm sure we're going to have a riot that night! We have much to catch up on.
So I really don't have much else to say really. I'm kind of bored right now, the weather has scared off the customers but I'm still doing alright. Life goes on and so will I. Whoot!!!
Well I better be off, I have trash to take out.
I know, you're jealous of my life..... ; )
Saturday, December 15, 2007
So I'm just blogging out of boredom, usually something will pop into my head as I ramble on about nothing important. I tried to post a blog on my normal page and the site wiped it clean so I didn't feel like retyping it so I figured, oh well, time to move on. ; ) lucky you.
So I've been chatting everyday with one of my out of town friends lately, she's one of the two that I've told I'm gay and she's been so much fun. I can finally say what I want to say and she doesn't judge me. I can see now why most gay men have women as friends, I feel comfortable talking about a hot guy with a woman, while it would make most men uncomfortable. It's been fun. She's so much fun to chat with, I miss it on Saturdays when everyone else is home or doing things and I'm still at work.
So this whole coming out things seems to be snow balling faster than I had imagined, but it has felt good to get it out of my mind that I want to keep going. But then the reality of those I have yet to tell and I get terrified again. The possible reprocutions of my actions are what scares me the most. I'm waiting until that one person I tell gets pissed or upset with me and leaves my life. I'm planning a trip out of town next month and visiting one of the people I plan on telling next. I know he'll be o.k. but there is a part of me that is scared he'll freak out on me and leave, and I wouldn't be able to handle that. He's such a great person, I just don't know how he'll react. He was there for many difficult parts of my life and watched me go through my two relationships with women, it will be a shock to him I think, and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.
Part of me is telling me to shut up and keep quiet and be the person I've been for the last 30 years, and the other one is tired of hiding and tired of pretending to be something I'm not. It's a constant battle in the head, I don't know how others deal with it. I started with people from out of town because they aren't really connected to anyone in town. Another friend of mine is coming to town next weekend and we're getting together. I think I have to tell her because I think she's starting to have feelings for me. We didn't know each other real well the first time around but have grown really close over the last year and I have to tell her when she's here, I can't let her continue to think the things she's been thinking lately. It would be nice for her to know as well.
So my neighbor was over yesterday and we shared a couple of beers. I hated to see him go because he was wearing my favorite pair of jeans on him, and I enjoy looking at him. Not just his package, but everything, his eyes, his hair, the way his chin is shaped and the 5 o'clock shadow framing his beautiful face, his ripped chest poking through his shirt and his frail hands. He's just an awesome guy and he's fun to look at, he's the total package, his wife is one lucky person!!
Well I'm drifting back and forth to sleep so I should find something to do.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
This is a man that strikes fear in everyone that has every worked here or hung out here. Keep in mind that this man has a heart of gold, a very giving and kind human being. But he's one of the most obnoxious people to deal with. Not because he's rude or he's stupid, but because he won't stop talking. A simple transaction takes nearly an hour and he likes to pester other customers as well, and if they are female, watch out. He should probably register where he lives. ; )
Rodney grew up a little slow. He grew up in a very strange family, and parts of them are pretty horrifying from what I've heard from other members, but he's part of the family that was not horifying. He was very dependent on his parents, but when they were both gone he was left alone. Rodney is now in his sixties, but since I got the store he's been through some crap.
A school for special people had him working and earning a living, and he was living in the house his father let for him, but after his father died Rodney turned to booze. He loves his beer and it shows now. He eventually lost the house because he couldn't keep up with the taxes and they ended up auctioning off nearly everything he had and left him homeless. He bounced back and got himself an apartment a few places down from his old house. He ran into some bad luck and lost the job and he burnt his savings, what was left, and landed himself a job at the BK. It works well for Rodney, he likes the work and according to the manager (a friend of mine) he does pretty good work. He has since moved to a cheaper place that he seems to like more.
He drinks a min. of 6 tall boys of beer everynight, some he gets from me and some he gets from shell. I've discovered he still goes to shell so people don't realize just how much he drinks! But I got him figured out. He's a dirty old man, but stays relativly under control when he's in public, but the stories he tells me since we've become friends are a bit disturbing. There are just certain things about my customers lives that I'd rather life without knowing! I'd sleep better anyway! But he tells me anyway, he's kind of funny like that.
Rodney has a circle of friends that on the outside are rather shady and scary people, but if you know them you find out they are really a family upon themselves. Social outcasts set out to take care of each other. They really are a family and it's pretty neat. Rodney convinced them all to start shopping here and they all do. I find them all so funny and have a pretty good time with most of them. Others are very much like Rodney and get under my skin after while, but they all shop here. Showing a little understanding and caring to Rodney got me about $100 of business a week, and for my little store, that says something.
Rodney is holding down his job at the BK, but is deteriating health wise. He's got two types of cancer, one of them being blood and there isn't much they can do to treat him, or he's not letting them one or the other. He goes once a month and gets a chemo shot for one of the cancers but he doesn't take care of himself. He's a heck of a cook, but he lets himself get run down. He rides his bike everywhere and walks alot and it's wearing on him. He's landed himself in the hospital twice in the last three months for different diet dificiencies and I think he's doing it on purpose, I think he's giving up. He misses his parents and I can see the pain in his eyes, but he hides it well.
His sister lost her husband a few months ago and she has latched onto Rodney and they spend alot of time together now. I'm glad for that, but I fear he's too far gone. He drives me crazy most days but he's a good guy, just a little weird. I wonder if he'll be around next year at this time, but I know he's ready to go, he's just chipping away at time.
That's all for now.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I mean, they wouldn't touch him with a 39 1/2 foot pole? What about a fourty foot pole? That would be o.k.? ; ) hahahahhahaha
So it was a weekend, what can I say?
Friday we threw a little bash for some of the south side business owners and myself and had quite the time. We deep fried 2 turkeys that turned out awesome and we made a ton of other food. About that time I had to go to Work, so I left everyone playing cornhole in my building and drinking it up while I had to go to work. It sucked. But I've gotten so used to leavign events to go to work that I don't think about it much anymore. I know someday I won't need this all, but until then I just keep moving, somedays slower than others. But I must say it was my frist actually succesful party! Maybe it's because I had to leave it early? hmmm....
Saturday was another fine day, ended by going to BW's with the rest of the Wendy's managers for our christmas party. I was dreading it and bitched about it daily, but I ended up going and had a wonderful time. As much as they all drive me crazy we have such a great time when we're together outside of hell! Then I went and cleaned the Annex and then since everything went so well I ended up renting a couple of movies and ended up at home on my couch curled up in a warm blanket. Not very exciting but just what I was needing. New movies, warmth and relaxation, fantastic I say!
I rented two movies, Chuck and Larry, and Ocean's 13. Both VERY good movies. I really hit the jackpot with those two.
Sunday was a late start from sleeping in, inside my cocoon of my electric blanket turned WAY up and just being so comfy. When I finally emerged I went and had lunch with the fam, cursed the weather, watched the rest of Ocean's 13 that I couldn't finish the night before and then went to Defiance. I could tell the weather was bad because I was at the mall on Sunday afternoon a few weeks before christmas and it was empty! How often has that ever happened? I picked up a few things I needed for my fruit baskets this week and headed right back home. I didn't want to be out much, they said bad weather was still on its way. Got home, cleaned a little and took a few quick naps. Got ready and went to work.
Wendy's has been awful, we've been shorthanded I swear every night I work, I know it happens to the rest of them too. People call off or quit and the manager is stuck closing a postion while trying to get the paperwork done. It usually extends things by half and hour or more depending on the night. We need more help, and we need to fire a few of the help we have already! ; ) Anyone need a part time job? ; )
Other than that there hasn't been much going on. The front wall in my store was just painted and once again my brother did a fantastic job. I'll have to post pictures of the colors. It's not what I thought I wanted, but I love it!!! It's very different from the white and red, and it's just the coolest.
The new rental in the front of the store is nearing completion. We have to do some clean up and after the electrical inspection we can install the carpet and get my uncle moved in! Then a quick break and then we start the list again. It's fun! Well not always, but there is much progress being made, I do love that!!!
My christmas spirit that I lost has been coming and going, I've had a hard time paying attention to it. I've gotten over my guilt of not having alot of money, I have enough to buy for those I can, and well the rest of ya, you'll have to come get a hug, that's what I'm giving you all for christmas. It can be picked up at anytime, but only at this location. ; ) I figured out I just can't spend what I want to, and it's o.k. because I still get a great full day chilling with the family. We have our problems but I love em.
To top off the year GEnia is coming to town!!! Woop Woop!!!! One night her and I are going to have a long conversation with uncle Jack and just have a great time! Just can't wait until JD thirty. Whoop! Whoop!!! 10 days and counting!!!
Well that's really all I have. I'm still trying to figure out how to start traveling again, I'm getting cabin fever. I haven't been more than an hour from my house since I can't even remember when.
O.K. that's really all I have, so I'm going to go and figure out how to thaw the ice from my hands. ; )
Saturday, December 8, 2007
I have been thinking about telling everyone how happy I am with my life right now, but the more I think about it, I'm not. I'm getting to the point of misery. I work three jobs to not even make ends meet, I'm surrounded by people that I really don't want to be around, those I do want to be around have lives outside of this one. My best friend can't seem to show emotion about anything and it drives me crazy. How can I open up to someone who can't show emotion? I've never even seen him pissed off, well I know I've seen it, but he doesn't scream, he doesn't do anything but throw anyone off with his sarcasm. I know he's unhappy. I know he loves his job, but he's unhappy with his love life, with his financial situation, with a whole lot in his life. He and I are so simlar and yet we never talk about it. These are just observations I make from what seems like a distance. I used to think he didn't pay attention to me either, but the more and more I realize he knows me better than I think. He knows how I'll react, he knows answers to questions before I answer and he knows my habits.
How in 13 years have I never noticed him paying attention to our friendship? He sees patterns others don't, he knows me, and yet I feel like we hardly talk. I talk more about what's going on than he does. Our lives revolve around our jobs. His one and my three, how is it we can hardly find anything else to talk about? And how did we survive 13 years on talking about work? It's because of the subtlties of everything I guess. Things I notice as he's going about his day, things I catch on to in a moment of drunk conversation. I enjoy drinking with him because we actually talk. We talk about the past his thinks I don't know about and I try to tell him who I am. I think he knows, but I'm not sure he ever wants to hear it. We have a complex relationship.
I really have no idea what started this blog...let me go see.....oh yes, my miserable life. I have no social life, I have no money to go out, I don't even have enough money for a long distance phone call to phone friends that have moved away and mean so much to me. I work three jobs, day and night and I still have nothing to show for it. I'm so fed up and so scared of the future. Is this really what I want out of life? Was this really the right decision? What will happen if I leave? Where would I go? Would I feel like a failure if I give up and give in to a losing battle? Will I regret moving on with my life? I'm so confused and lost and I hate to burden some of my friends with this all at once. I get tired of the same advice. It will get better, you will be fine. I just wish for once someone would tell me somthing from the heart, something that will open my mind enough to understand what they are saying. Something that they really mean and didn't read on a post card, or worse yet, what they are afraid of telling me.
I just feel like they are holding back afraid of hurting my feelings, like they have to lace everything with sarcasm so I wonder if they are serious or not. I hope not. When will I let go of these fears and let myself live my life? When will I let down my walls and let people in? I'm getting better. I've opened myself up to two people so far this year and let them into a life no one has ever known of. Two people that have welcomed all of me, all of my dark secrets and helped me and accepted me for who I am. And yet I'm tied to this internet, I'm tied into saying things without having to say them outloud, and when I finally have people capable of listening to everything I feel awkward about saying them outloud. Being someone for 30 years on the inside and then one day introducing him to the world is a very strange and confusing experience.
anyway, the alcohol is kicking in so I'll stop blathering on incoherently.
I've been reading recently about the senator that has a "gay" past and more and more men are coming forward saying they've been "hit on" by the senator. And yet the conservatives republicans are denying it like crazy, getting vicous at times. What I find hard to hear is the part of the republicans denying being gay. Does the republican party not acknolwedge their own Log Cabin party? A series of Gay republicans? How could a party come out against a portion of their own? When the same scenario went down in New Jersey he came out, he was upset, but he didn't seem ashamed. I guess I'm not seeing the difference.
How can I be comfortable being who I am when my own political party says I'm not a citizen, I don't deserve the same rights and my religion tells me I'm going to hell? I'm very confused on how people are supposed to live their lives, be who they really are when everyone tells them they are dirty, dirty gays. What the hell is up with that? They welcome the common hooker to vote for them, because she's voting repulubican and getting paid for "clean" sex? What the hell is all I have to say. They will turn away the multi-million dollar gay business owner because he's gay? I don't understand.
I don't judge people because they are straight, I do not judge people if they are gay, I try my best not to judge people at all. THat's not my job. How is that most people feel so freely about judging everyone else. My favorite is the wife abusing imbezlor laying down moral law about how to act as a human being. This bigot stood there and talked about how evil and disgusting gay people are and yet he's been convicted of domestic violence 6 times in three years and is being investigated from imbezling from his own company. You're going to stand there and judge MY morals???? HA!
I have to let it go. People have been judging me based on apperance for as long as I've been alive, what makes this so different? It's because much like the weight issue people will pass judgements based on who I'm dating rather than who I am. I'm not sure why it bothers me, it all comes down to credibility because I've seen it all before. He can't be trusted because he sleeps with men. Well let me tell you, I haven't slept with me, well at least not yet, but I know I'm gay. I've slept with women, does that make me more trust worthy? The horrible eye gouging sex I've had with women somehow make me more credible?
What a backwards freakin world. I get so upset about it and I don't even have the time to deal with it. I just need to get some of this passion out of my head, to clear my mind of these toxins invading my mind. Not that being gay is the toxin, it's the constant desire to enjoy the flesh. The constant need to slide up to the guy I'm standing next to, and kiss him. To feel his flesh and not feel ashamed of what I'm feeling. To not feel like I'm being judged because I want to feel the firmness of his butt, to feel my lips against his. I guess when I stop judging myself for those feelings I'm feel better about going forward with it all. I'm my own worse enemy. I just want to be happy. To let go of my normal life and lose myself in some passion for just a bit, to release those endorphans in my mind and find that high where everything feels right.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Things have gotten so bad at times I've considered driving my car into the river and putting an end to it all. I wouldn't but the thought has crossed my mind. I would never let financial matters put an end to my life, it's the cowards way out, but it doesn't stop the thought from crossing my mind. If I put this in my other blog people would be going crazy and I don't need that.
I'm just trying to figure it out. Christmas is supposed to be happy a time for celebration, and yet I'm depressed, I'm broke and I'm lonely. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it. I've considered getting help for the depression but I have no money and no health insurance, what else can I do? Bills are piling up and money is gone. I already work three jobs totally over a hundred hours a week and I'm still poor and can't afford to even buy new underware at this point. How sad.
I have let the cat out of the bag again, I told another friend I was gay. She had been awfully suspisous and was glad I told her. She's been very helpful in helping me sort out some of the religious aspects of this whole scenario and has truely been a great help to my mental state of mind regarding being gay. She's helped me find a bridge between my life and God that I think I can build stronger. She's pointed me in the direction of another friend of hers that has and is going through the same thing and has offered to talk to me, well message me about it. I feel awkward about it, not sure where to start with a perfect stranger, but maybe I'll find the courage.
Courage, a word that has plagued me all my life. I just realized everything I do or don't do is out of fear. I fear rejection most of all. I have a great money making experience infront of me that could float me along another couple of years both professionally and personally and I'm afraid to make the phone call. I have a gentelman caller very interested in meeting me and he's very local and yet I'm afraid of rejection so I haven't replied to him yet either. Am I really willing to let my fear control my life? Am I willing to say that this is it just because I'm afraid? I hate myself most days.
I hate the way I look, I hate the things I do, I hate the way I think. I have all this self loathing built up inside of myself it's no wonder I find no motivation. I drowning in a pool of hate and I need to get out, I need to save myself before I drown.
Yes this blog can be a bit self centered, a bit of a pity party for myself, but that's why I created it in the first place. Why do I appologize obbsessivly?
Wow I have issues.
Alright, it's really not, I have so much to say, but most of it's bitching and I really don't feel like being that guy all the time, so I'll keep it brief and to the point.
Shop till you drop? Yeah, no one dropped here, and I mean NO ONE. It was my worse day in six weeks. This shop till you drop thing can kiss my grits. Next year we're doing a Holiday open house with a live radio feed and all the people that have moved into my building by then. I'll get more traffic that way then this way. I just feel like I wasted so much time, energy and money preparing for this thing and the VERY lack luster sales of the weeks I've had. ARG.
Haven't even started christmas shopping, the lack of money and the freakin holiday parties that are going to cost me have left me out of the mood. Half the lights on my christmas tree burned out so I have to undecorate it and restring lights, and I just don't feel like it. The holiday party for job 2 is going to end up costing me about 60 bucks (mind you I make about that in a week) between dinner (yeah we have to buy our own) and the gifts. What kind of holiday party is that? Then I am also required to partake in the employee party and fork out more money to get gifts for the crew. These people are too stupid to get gifts. I'm giving them all soap because they all need a freakin shower. O.K. going to stop this rant right here.
So christmas that used to be so magical, a happy time for me has turned into a money sucking horrible holiday. I want my christmas back. Maybe next week I'll go and cruise the holiday lights around, maybe that will perk me up a bit, I hope.
Well in the process of typing this I've gotten a call about a quote for a three hundred person party in January I believe. I'm not getting my hopes up, they are on a budget, but it would be nice.
Anyone want to buy a carryout? ; ) I guess I'm just at a loss. I'm not sure what else to do on my budget and what I did wrong. I know the ecomony is in the crapper based on what I'm hearing from other businesses as well, but there has to be something people want/need. No one speaks up, no one says anything. The things people are coming in for are things I wouldn't carry anyway, random strange things for the grocery department or big expensive things for the hardware department (or lack there of now). What is it that would make people drive the 1/2 mile across the river to shop for? What will it take to get them to understand it takes a mere five minutes to drive through our town from one end to the other? That crossing the bridge will not set there cars on fire, or mean they are poor? (although most of them are anyway).
I'm at a loss. I just have to stop being so damn depressed and angry all the time.
So a happy note.....hmmm.......a happy happy joy joy moment.......
The front wall is finally being painted, the color chosen was Canary yellow, strange I know, but it works so well, it looks bright and CLEAN! I really do like it. The trim is going to be a greenish brown, it sounds gross but really works with the yellow and I think that's what I'm going to do today after a few minor chores. I have to get something done besides spending all my time on the computer! ; )
So anyway, I just hadn't blogged in awhile and I know Shelly gets antsy at work if she doesn't have something to read or do so I thought I would let her know I was thinking of her. ; ) (Hi shelly!) and then I'll probably post this on my blogger site as well. That way I'll catch my fan that isn't on myspace as much (What up B?) Yeah, I like to do shout outs.
How was Calculus Genia???
Yeah what can I say, I like my regulars to be a part of the blog once in awhile! ; )
Monday, December 3, 2007
I have had a great day, which is probably good because my Saturday was shit, but I'm starting to get used to that. Saturday was my official second year in business. Two full years of business, two full years of sleepless night, and two full years of constant worry. I was hoping it would be good, I was hoping it would be at least close to my opening day, but I found myself sick with worry about money again. The last three weeks have been the most horrid I've seen in some time. It has come at a time I've been spending extra money to stock the store. Bad timing as usual. ; )
Oh it's been a week but I'm making great progress on the old place so it's something to keep me going. I've just been very bitter and angry. I'm trying to let it go and keep my eyes on the prize, or the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I have landed a large christmas account that is valued at about a week's worth of income and another account that is at least a days worth of sales. I'm learning to push the things that I make the most money on. I've learned alot in the last two years.
I've met wonderful people and gotten to do some very creative things. I'm hoping to expand on that since I have recently started to put together my stained glass studio in the front of the store. I can't wait to get back into that. I wish I had done it months ago so I could have ornaments ready to go, but oh well. I have some great ideas for easter.
I have also locked into a woman that used to make homemade cookies for Break-a-way donuts that was in town. They are some really great cookies and she wants to sell them here, so I'm all over that. Once my hot lunches are gone at the first of the year and my new kitchen is in place I can start working on some more specialty items. I have great ideas, but like I've said before, I have to get myself to that point. I'll get there, sometime.
So anyway there really hasn't been much time for anything exciting, oh who am I kidding, I'm not that exciting! But I'm here, and I'm me. What more do you want from me? ; )
So anyway, I'm off to finish my laundry, I know exciting!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
25 businesses will be having tremendous sales all week and five businesses a day will be featured as part of a trivia game. At the end of the week the winner will recieve $500 chamber dollars and the next 4 winners will recieve prizes as well.
I personally will be having some spectacular deli specials, as well as tasting of products, and if I can pull it off there will be new gift baskets and homemade christmas goodies.
I'm exhausted thinking about it, but it should be fun. I hope it turns a crowd and I hope to see some of you out here as well!!!
We are pushing shopping locally, I hope it works! If I'm not around much it's because I'll be working my tail off to get it all done in time!!! ; )
Monday, November 26, 2007
I'm a big reader of blogs, I especially love blogs written by people I know, or have gotten to know, it's scary at times to read these blogs thinking I could have written them myself. That I myself could have written the same thing word from word, and many of them have felt the same about my blogs. Can it be that these thoughts and ideas have drawn us all together? Do other people have this? Since I have found friends like this I have started to reevaluate several other friendships and I feel like my other friendships are lacking in something. I have friends that I would do anything for, friends I care very deeply about, but there are times we have nothing to talk about. I'm baffled sometimes how two people could remain friends if they feel they can't talk about certain things with each other.
How can I be friends with someone that I can't talk to? I can't express my feelings to? Maybe it's me. I find myself unable to express certain things to certain people because I feel they don't care. Sometimes I get the feeling that they really don't care about what happens in my life, and just when I start to think that they say something or react in a way to show they really do care. It always takes me by surprise, I'm not sure why. I have very few friendships that have lasted very long. Some of my friends aren't really my friends anymore, but say they are. How could they be if they know nothing about my life? People call themselves my friends and yet they don't know I have three jobs, or what's happening at the store, or even what my phone number is. So why is it we stay friends? My oldest actual friendship that is still intact after all these years is a mere 13 years old. 13 years out of 30.
It makes me sad that some of the best people in my life don't know of me before. I didn't get to share in experiences before that, times I wasted on people I don't even talk to anymore. There are people I used to call friends that are more like just people I know now, and there were people back then I knew, or knew of that now know more about me then most people. It's a very strange cycle in life that I find so baffling.
If you haven't noticed baffle is my new favorite word.
Maybe it's me. I find myself a great listener but not a very good conversationalist. I have trouble phrasing things, or even putting somethings to words. I find myself becoming so sheltered from the outside world because of my many jobs I feel I don't have the right advice, like I don't have the right things to say so I don't say anything. There are times I don't say anything or put on my happy face because I get tired of always complaining, so I hide what's really going on and fake it. To talk about myself would involve too many emotions, or sometimes I feel like people would want to get involved when it's not really what I want. Sometimes I just want people to listen, I guess that's why I blog so freakin much at times. I just have things to say that I don't normally just say, and you have the choice to read or to move on, either way I feel someone will read and it always makes me feel better. ; )
This blog really has no point to it, it's just something I've been taking note of lately. I love everyone of my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything, and there is a long list of people that were friends at one time that I still care for. Not because we still talk, or that they still even care, but because we shared a moment in time. We shared an experience, we shared the same space for what seems like a split second that left a lasting impression in my mind. If my mind remembers them, they meant something to me, and I wonder, does it mean the same to them?
In the last several years I've come across people from my past that have shared the same stories about me that I remember and it makes me feel good to know they must have had some sort of impression left in their mind from me. It's a good feeling to know that the moment we shared, the joke that was told, or the experience we had was memorable to someone else as well. That moment was not wasted, that moment was special enough for two people in the world that they remember it years and years later.
Life is so funny sometimes. It picks you up, it drops you down, and sometimes it throws you into a spin cycle in a washing machine, beats you up like a dirty rug, chews you up and spits you out, and yet we continuously pick ourselves up and move on. Each experience, each moment remembered. Do you remember yours?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I went to church this morning, I have felt the need to go for sometime now but have been avoiding it in fear of feeling angry again, and yet it snuck up on me again. I went today as my cousin's baby was being baptized and I was so torn with emotion I still don't know how to deal with it.
My family is so close, we're a tight kint group that would throw parties just so we could all get together. Suddenly this baptism was a great opportunity for a party, and yet most of the family wasn't even invited. None of the cousins, our parents were invited, but none of us. There has been no explanation as to why, which would get rid of much of this anger. I feel hurt, and I know I shouldn't, but at the same time I do. After church everyone was rushing the front to see the baby and visit with the family and I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. It was not all due to the family issue, but it was a part of it. If they didn't want me there to celebrate, I figured they wouldn't want me there either. I feel bitter and I hate it.
The other reason is once again I'm over come with the fear of my God's disapproval for my life. On Sunday morning when I'm taking my shower I listen to the radio, the local station broadcasts different sermons, it has been my way to listen to church without the anger and hurtful feelings. This morning nearly had me in tears, it was a sermon about how evil and sinful homosexuality is. I just couldn't believe it. There I was reaching out to God and a man of God telling me I was going to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am. How is that justice? How am I supposed to take that? I just can't believe that my God, my God that I have been worshiping my whole life, my God that I have tried my best to serve, would send me to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am.
God himself created me. How could he create something he planned on condeming to hell? How could I be cast out and thrown aside like that? How could I be let down like that? I was crushed. I still feel at a loss for what to feel. It has sucked out all that is good in my Sundays and it makes me feel even more alone. I feel like my pastor can see my pain. After church he stands at the back and shakes everyones hands as they leave. Today when he gripped my hand he put his other one on my arm and told me how nice it was to see me. I think he could look into my soul, I felt like he could see through me. His eyes were filled with comfort with caring and concern. The man is amazing. I know that talking to him could help me, could help ease some of my religous frustration, but how? I don't have the time, nor am I comfortable telling my mother's boss about my lifestyle, about who I really am. It's not really a conversation that I think I can have.
I'm sitting here watching shows with weddings. I try to picture finding myself someone to love, someone that will love me and wonder what it would be like the first time we were seen together with my family, to dance together, to show some sort of affection, what kind of earth shattering shock that would cause. But with my bitterness growing in my family should I care? Is my bitterness growing because of that?
I'm so lost I could scream. I've been researching more and more about depression and I'm starting to believe that I am depressed, I fit 98% of all the physical and mental tell tale signs, it's a bit freaky. But the sad and depressing part of it all is I can't afford to see the doctor and I couldn't afford the meds, so here I am with my thoughts and my blog. Lucky you.
Well I have stuff to do. Each blog entry ending like the one before it, sad and lonely. When will it ever end? I'm slipping away from who I was and becoming someone I don't like. A whiny and depressing son of a bitch. Here's to something different.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I had taken much of the good stuff and donated it to several different organizations and wrote it off. I did a "bag" sale, where you fill a bag for $2. Things had gotten down to be managable. But the last year this stuff has just sat there collecting dust. I had decided that as of December 31 I would box everything up and have an auctioner sell everything at a consignment auction in the spring and whatever I got, I got. Well last night a family friend came over and made an offer for all the remaining merchandise in that department. After some haggling and some thought we came to an agreement and I finally unloaded a crap load of unwanted hardware.
This hardware has been holding back several projects as it takes up so much space, and now that the time is coming to get to those projects the space will finally be available. I made enough off of the sale that I will be able to rebuild the much smaller and much more managable hardware department. We are streamlining everything. We will have what you need for basic projects. We will no longer carry specialty items, or hand tools or large items. We will carry all the small pieces one requires. I'm very happy about the sale. Finally after two years this unwanted crap is finally going to be out of my building, how could I be sad?
One of the guys that were part of the sale is also going to find me a cheap vehicle that is mechanically sound to get through the next few years. I'm very excited. He's well known for his knack of coming across great deals on good vehicles. As sad as I will be to see my dream car be hauled away, it's time to move on. It's time to let it be and continue on to the day I can afford my next dream car. For now I just want a small pick-up. I'm actually really liking the idea of a small pick-up, I can haul stuff on my own then. No more borrowing trucks or waiting for people, I can just do it myself. It's more of an independence thing.
So anyway that's what's been happening here at the store!!
Hope everyone has a great and happy holiday!!!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Well as things calm down and/or get a little better I'm feeling more in a blogging place, so we'll give it a try again!
So last week seemed to pull my sales out of the slump they have been in and it felt good. It also brought the bad news that the new screen printer I had set to move in backed out, so I won't have schoolware to sell this christmas. I"m bummed, I had a space all set for it. Oh well I guess, roll with the punches, roll with the punches.
So I took my car to get looked at/ fixed on Friday and they did $100 worth of work to it. Friday I went to spend some time with Free and Charro and discovered that the car was not fixed. I need a whole new transmission, so the car is a gonner. I did however discover the car is drivable. I just have to shift gears like it was a manual trnasmission. It's not easy but I got used to it. I think I can squeeze a few more months out of it this way.
Free and Charro were very entertaining as usual. We watched Beauty Shop with Queen Latiffa. I laughed my butt off, it was actually a funny movie like they said it was! How could I doubt the Queen, she's awesome in all of her movies. She's one of my favs. Bet you didn't know that about me huh? ; )
Saturday, well what can I say about Saturday....oh yeah GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a great game. We had a party in the back of the store so I could enjoy the game between customers. WE had a ton of food and lots of celebrating since we kicked butt. I'm very sad to see Carr retiring, we could use his coaching to win a few more games I think. But we'll see who replaces him. It was a good time and a great game!!!
Sunday was great. I went and spent the day with my friends Steph and Pedro in Toledo. We spent time catching up, picking on Pedro because he broke his leg very badly falling from a ladder cleaning out the gutters. He's doing much better, but he enjoys being picked on. Those two are such great people. They took me to eat at a place called Aladin's. Some of the best mediteranian food I've ever had! It was very good. Then I ran some errands with them, how sad that it was fun too! Then we sat at their place and talked more. What can I say, a day out of my house with fun people is fun, regardless of what we do!
It was a good weekend. This week will be short with Thursday being taken out, but I also have five days of cleaning at the Annex, it's going to be a long week at the same time. But such is the life I signed up for! ; )
Other than that, it's been pretty quiet on the homefront. I haven't done much blogging or emailing lately, I should probably do more, but I either don't find the time, or just don't have much to write about. There were some surveys I saw that a certain someone posted that are calling me, hopefully I'll get to them yet today. I always enjoy a good survey!
Monday, November 12, 2007
No one said owning a business would be so heart breaking. The ups, the downs, it's an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready for the exciting part to come up.
I've decided to post a blog I just wrote for myspace:
Can someone explain to me how to make it stop?
I work, and I work, and I work and I still have nothing. My car is on it's last tire and I can't afford to fix it and I can't afford to replace it. What do I do?
My trasmission has been acting up for several weeks and to get it looked at requires $70 bucks. Which to most people is not much, but to me it's one week of pay. If it needs a new transmission I'm looking at $1700. The car is worth $2000. I can't put in a new transmission for a car that has 170,000 miles. What's to say the motor won't burn up the week after?
I don't have the credit for a new car, there are places for times like this I know, but they still require income. I have an income of $5,000/year and $35000 worth of student loans hanging over my debt to income ratio. That's really the only bill I have besides car insurance, my struggling business pays for everything else. I'm at a loss.
They tell me God will only give me what I can handle, but I'm telling you that in the last six months my mind has reached that point. I was hoping to leave Wendy's after christmas but I don't see that happening, I may have to pick up more shifts instead. How do I turn this place around to pay me? The economy is in the toilet and businesses all around me that have been well established are closing up. I'm a little freaked out.
My dad just stated he wonders what it woud be like if I had stayed in architecture. I'm not sure how to take that, if he regrets helping me do this or that he wished I hadn't done this at all, or if he's just wishing the same thing as me, that it wouldn't be this hard two years later. Even if I had stayed in the business, they are hurting too. My old boss went under and that is only one instance out of many that I have heard. A job in that field is just as shaky as anything else right now.
Am I being punished? Was ex. 2 right? Is karma coming back and has put a hex on me? Is that even possible?
I was told all my life that hard work paid off. My question is when? I'm not asking to be wealthy, I'm not asking for a Jaguar, I'm not asking for diamonds and gold. I'm only asking to have a running car, a place to call my home, and clothes on my back. I seem to be failing right now and it's killing me. I'm losing my motivation, I'm losing sight and I'm not sure how to turn it around.
I had a bad mental weekend and this is just not helping. I'm bowling tonight so hopefully that will help my mood because something has got to change it, something has to change, something has to go right. I'm just at my wit's end. I'd never be dumb enough to do something drastic or stupid, so don't think like that. I'm just slowly losing my mind and I have no idea how to stop it.
I've been in tight financial spots before and somehow I've always managed to find a way out, but I'm running out of ideas, I'm running out of energy and I'm tired of sleepless nights. I find myself up until 2 or three in the morning nearly every night because my mind won't stop thinking long enough for me to collapse. I try to keep it all in so my parents won't stay up at night worrying also, but sometimes it slips out.
I'm sorry this is so whiney, I just had to get it out of my system. I have to whine once in awhile, it keeps me a well balanced person. ; )
Anyway I'm off to clean and try and forget about life for awhile.
End of post
Yeah, it's been a rough few days in my head. I should be thankful I have semi good health, a loving family, friends I wouldn't trade for the world, and opportunity people only wish for. And yet here I am whining and complaining how hard my life is. I'm just not right in the head.
What I've realized is that deciding to open my heart has exposed and opened the hole that's inside. The hole that makes me feel empty, the hole that makes me lonely. This gaping hole I have discovered in my heart. I don't need it filled to feel complete, I need it filled to stop feeling so alone. Even in my relationships that I have had, I have felt alone. There is nothing worse than laying in bed with someone you think you love and feel more alone than when you are alone.
I have this hole that I want to fill. It has a shape that doesn't allow just anyone to fill it. The last few have been rectangles trying to fit into a square hole. The very last one was like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
Speaking on the phone for a mere 10 minutes I discovered 15 things that turned me off, basic beliefs or basic behaviors that were enough to make me run any other time, and yet I continued on. I listened more, I talked more, I exposed feelings I had never shared with someone I knew I would never care for, why? because of that hole in my heart. I continued on a week's worth of conversations and started to make plans with someone I knew I wouldn't like, someone I knew was incredibly wrong for me, and yet I continued. I nearly made a large mistake and led someone into believing I was something I'm not, that I was looking for something I'm not just to fulfill a physical need, to fill the hole in my heart. I told myself after my last relationship fell apart that I would not settle, that I would not be talked into dating anyone I didn't want to date, and yet there I was making the same mistakes.
I spend most of my free time watching movies and episodes of t.v. shows. It has been unhealthy to grow up as part of the t.v. generation. I have come to expect different things from love. I expect movie or t.v. love, where all problems can be settled in less than 60 minutes. The romance that makes the music start to play. And then there are movies that are meant to make people laugh and yet make me want to jump off a freakin cliff.
The movie Shallow Hal was disguised as a funny movie that people should watch. And yet what I saw when I watched it was a horrifying movie. A movie that told me that no one would be attracted to me without being hypnotized into seeing the good in people and not the outside package. I am one that has been hiding behind my weight all my life. Even when I found someone that could see through the outside I never believed it, because I didn't find it possible that someone would find me attractive. Even the latest escapade of mine, swore me to they found me attractive, and I kept saying photos are easily decievable.
I am the low self esteem funny man that people love to be friends with, they love to love me, but they never fall for me. Online dating seems to be my only option, it's a way for people to get to know me before they see me. And it drives me crazy. I'm not sure if my loneliness or my physical urges, but I find many people attractive. Small, tall, short or heavy, everyone has beauty within them. If I can see that, why can't others? Am I searching for the wrong type of person?
I created this blog to say the things I wanted to say, I'm not always allowed to do that in my other blogs, blogs that people read. I am the funny man that is supposed to entertain everyone when deep inside I feel like I'm dying. I put on a happy and sarcastically entertaining face for everyone but deep down inside I cry, I cry nearly everyday inside. I want to scream in agony and fear, I want to scream in frustration and anger. And yet when people see me they see Mr. Funny. The person on the inside is crying out for help, for a hug, for someone to snuggle up to him at night, rub his back and tell him that everything is going to be alright. And yet every night I go to bed alone, I lay on the couch alone, I drive alone and the person on the inside is dying. What happens when that voice dies? Will I give up all together? The voice scares me and drives me to do things I wouldn't normally do.
There is so much on this blog that people would be shocked to read, so much people don't want to hear, so much people would be upset with and feel hurt by. People that would never speak to me, so why do I do this?
I even have altered every entry to curb my expressions, I have altered it because I have been ashamed of what I have written, things about me that no one knows, things that I feel no one should ever know, but things I desperately want people to know, and yet I erased entries. I live in fear everyday of being discovered for who I am, and yet inside I'm screaming for people to find out. There is more to me and yet very few people in my life have opened their eyes enough to catch a glimpse of who I am. I have one friend that has told me of this, one friend that has seen through most of my charades and most of my cryptic messages to see me for who I mostly am. There are still things he doesn't know, things I think I should be ashamed of, things I'm afraid of saying, but maybe he sees those too.
I have been so lonely lately I reached out to people I had to say goodbye too with the end of my last relationships. I reached out in disguise, I created a character, a character that is very close to who I am, feels the way I feel and says the things I want to say. These people are befriending someone in my mind. I have created such a background and thought into this character that I've created an alternate ego. A new personality that sometimes has a tough time drawing lines between that life and this one. I feel sad for doing this, but part of me believes it's my creativity that is creating this character. It has crossed my mind that these stories should become a book, it may be a good way to get myself out there, at least onto paper.
I have no idea what I'm saying in this blog, it's a purge of things in my head. I became so lonely today that I went to work. My one day off and I volunteered to go to a job a hate because there were people there. There was something other than my house, something other than my business to go to, to do, to talk to. It's just so sad that I would give up my day off to go someplace I hate, just so I'm not alone. Even now tears form in my eyes because it hurts so much. This loneliness that is eating me up from the inside and it has made me more emotional than I care to be.
Today is Sunday, when I was a kid Sundays were a day about God. I woke up today and realized that I have forgotten that. It's not that I have lost my love for God, or my faith in God. God has kept me alive this far, I live for my God, I don't serve him as much as I should, but I do the best I can. I realized this morning that now that I finally have my 20 year identity crisis under control it has spawned a religious crisis. A crisis I don't have a way to search for answers for. The solution to my identity crisis has landed me in a situation I wasn't prepared for, my anger and confusion towards organized religion. My first blog on this site was in regards to my crisis of faith, I don't really have the strength to go into it again.
I have loved my church all my life but it is this church that has been a part of driving me away. The easy answer is to find another church, but each church in this area would drive me away just as far. I find myself lost in thought. I find myself questioning everything and everyone in my life. How do I stop it? My pastor is a kind man, a smart man and has done wonders for everyone in my church, including my own family. But what if he doesn't have the answers. Where do I find the answers I'm searching for? My sister said to start with my pastor, she said he's a great place to start. I haven't told her what my crisis is, I know she'd understand but I'm not ready for her help, but maybe she'd be a good start. She studied religion in a different environment, with different views, maybe she would have the answers. I'm just not sure.
I'm just searching for answers, maybe the answers will fill the void in my heart and I wouldn't feel so lonely. I know God is always with me, but the void in my heart is the chasm between me and the loving embrace of my God, the God that wouldn't let me feel so alone. The God I want to love me for who I am, good bad and indifferent.
I go to bed tonight the same as every night, searching, praying to send me the answers I need. He listens, I know he's there just waiting for me to find a way over the chasm.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
He said once that gay guys don't find him attractive. He said he's asked a few of his clients who were gay if he was an attractive man, and they told him he kind of was for a straight guy. I was floored. I wanted to tell him how much lust I have for him, but he would freak out, so I bite me tounge like so many other times. He's a hottie, that's all there is to it.
Other than that realization I had meant to rant and rave about work I was doing for my uncle, but he told me tonight how much he appreciated me doing this for him and paid me $50. I was excited, it made it all worth it. Even without the money it would have been worth it to hear that. It's nice to hear everyonce in awhile. My family, we do anything for everyone and don't expect much in return except a thank you. That's all it really takes to keep us happy. Well that and if we need help that the person is there to help when they can. It's a give and take relationship we all share, it's good for us.
So strangely business was terrible today and yet I had a good day. I felt like I've accomplished alot today. It was stressful trying to get everything done, but it feels good to have it done. Life is good for a change. God has smiled on me today. ; )
She can very freaky at times, but she's a good person. She has tall tales also. I'm never quite sure what to believe from her when it comes to her personal life. It's always something different, and big stories and long drawn out situations. I've heard from several others that she is a pathological liar, but I honestly think to her these things are happening. Her mind is making her believe that these things are really happening. I just smile and nod and try to keep up with the next big idea, or the next big job, or why they fell through.
I listen because she's a good person. I listen because that's what I do best, I listen. She's a great customer and has brought me new business, so how could I be mean to someone like that? She does nothing to hurt people and she's good to me, to me that's a good person. She comes off a little over zealous at times, but she's just excited about it, there is nothing wrong with that. She keeps feeling guilty about buying wine twice a week, I told her there is nothing wrong with it. If I had the time at night I could easily finish a bottle myself.
Anyway that's K. She's a good person and has been good to discuss religion with. She's got answers, not always that I agree with, but I let it go, she's excited about God, I'm not about to be someone to put a stop to that. It's not about how you find God, it's just that you find him, in your own way. ; )