Saturday, December 15, 2007

Untitled

So if I title something untitled, is it still titled? Just a thought.

So I'm just blogging out of boredom, usually something will pop into my head as I ramble on about nothing important. I tried to post a blog on my normal page and the site wiped it clean so I didn't feel like retyping it so I figured, oh well, time to move on. ; ) lucky you.

So I've been chatting everyday with one of my out of town friends lately, she's one of the two that I've told I'm gay and she's been so much fun. I can finally say what I want to say and she doesn't judge me. I can see now why most gay men have women as friends, I feel comfortable talking about a hot guy with a woman, while it would make most men uncomfortable. It's been fun. She's so much fun to chat with, I miss it on Saturdays when everyone else is home or doing things and I'm still at work.

So this whole coming out things seems to be snow balling faster than I had imagined, but it has felt good to get it out of my mind that I want to keep going. But then the reality of those I have yet to tell and I get terrified again. The possible reprocutions of my actions are what scares me the most. I'm waiting until that one person I tell gets pissed or upset with me and leaves my life. I'm planning a trip out of town next month and visiting one of the people I plan on telling next. I know he'll be o.k. but there is a part of me that is scared he'll freak out on me and leave, and I wouldn't be able to handle that. He's such a great person, I just don't know how he'll react. He was there for many difficult parts of my life and watched me go through my two relationships with women, it will be a shock to him I think, and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.

Part of me is telling me to shut up and keep quiet and be the person I've been for the last 30 years, and the other one is tired of hiding and tired of pretending to be something I'm not. It's a constant battle in the head, I don't know how others deal with it. I started with people from out of town because they aren't really connected to anyone in town. Another friend of mine is coming to town next weekend and we're getting together. I think I have to tell her because I think she's starting to have feelings for me. We didn't know each other real well the first time around but have grown really close over the last year and I have to tell her when she's here, I can't let her continue to think the things she's been thinking lately. It would be nice for her to know as well.

So my neighbor was over yesterday and we shared a couple of beers. I hated to see him go because he was wearing my favorite pair of jeans on him, and I enjoy looking at him. Not just his package, but everything, his eyes, his hair, the way his chin is shaped and the 5 o'clock shadow framing his beautiful face, his ripped chest poking through his shirt and his frail hands. He's just an awesome guy and he's fun to look at, he's the total package, his wife is one lucky person!!

Well I'm drifting back and forth to sleep so I should find something to do.

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