Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm still alive

I think I've used this title before. I've been withdrawing from my online community lately. I've tried to withdraw from every day society as well, but it seems like there is something happening every minute of every day that someone feels I need to be a part of.

I withdraw at times of depression, I didn't even want to write this blog because I'm not sure what anyone can say to bring me out of it. I know it's myself keeping me in it, but I can't see the forest through these damn trees these days.

I don't know if I'll be able to keep my doors open much longer, things have hit some really bad spots and I'm not bringing in even 1/2 of what I need to bring in everyday to pay the bills. I can't just close up shop because the bank will take the store and I won't be able to pay back any of they money I owe to people. I've been looking for full time third shift work so I could do the store part time and work full time third shift to cover the bills, but our unemployment rate is about to reach 16% which means there is no work here.

I had to write a check when I know there is no money in the account today just to keep my electric on, I hope I'll make enough by Friday to make the check good, but I just don't know. The only way to lower my electric bill is to shut down the one cooler I have left that houses all items that are refrigerated in my store, and I just can't do that if I plan on keeping the doors open as long as I can. I've been in tough spots before, I know that somehow it will work out, but I have a hard time seeing that right now. I can't talk to my parents about it because they'll want to help and they can't so then they'll just lie awake every night worried about me, and I don't need that on my mind.

I know there are people in worse positions in life than me, I know everyone is having a hard time right now, I know I'm not alone, and yet I don't feel any better. I've tried to forget about it, I've tried to turn my attitude around, but this is always around me, here suffocating me and dragging me down, I just can't seem to escape it. I have to have humiliating conversations with vendors about not placing orders and spreading my bill out over several weeks and I wonder, how long can this go on? How long can I struggle before it all collapses over me and there is nothing to bargain with? How can I just close the doors and still repay those whose shaky financial future is in this place? If it were just me it wouldn't be so bad, but it's not. People loaned me their money, money that is supposed to be their future, I just can't walk away from that, it's not who I am, and it's not what I do. As long as I still have breath in my body, I have to get out from under this thing, somehow.

I didn't want to write a blog because it's depressing and people just end up feeling sorry for me, and I'm so tired of being that guy. I did this and I have to find a way out of it. I wrote this blog to inform people why I'm withdrawing from everything. I'll work my way back into society, I'm trying, a post here and there, I'll keep trying until it works.

Dear God,
Help me out of here,
for my sake and the sake of my family.

Monday, June 1, 2009

A thing or two from my mind

So I've been feeling extra "single" lately. The funny part is it isn't because of weddings or gatherings that usually bring it on, it's the amount of information about single people I've been coming across. B sent me a blog today from SCL about singles in church and has had a matchmaking email sent to her. I find it all so funny how everyone thinks everyone in life needs to be married. I'm watching my brother going through his second divorce, my cousin in Jersey going through her first, I see these things every day and wonder, what's all the fuss about? I think it's highly over rated and I really don't see a marriage being the thing that is keeping me from being truely happy. If I can't be happy on my own, why would I give that responsibility to someone else? I think it's just crazy.

Am I lonely? yes, but I was just as lonely when I was dating. Do I feel like 1/2 a person, no I have plenty of me to complete myself, I actually have enough of me to probably build a couple other people lol. I just hate that society is watching me and waiting for something to happen. My customers have even started jumping on the bandwagon by telling me if I would just get married then I would have someone else here to help me. Really? That's why I should get married? Will God love me less if I'm single? I had a great aunt die at the age of 84 and was never married. A lot of it was that she just never found anyone worth sharing her life with, whether it was because of how she was raised, or if that's just how she felt I'm not sure, but we made her feel loved.

I would like to get married someday, sadly in my case I don't see it happening which brings up another interesting point. People are instructed every day that you should not have sex before you're married......yet it's illegal for me to get married.....so um.......yeah, I'm not sure what that all means, or how I'm supposed to take that, but if someone has the biblical answer, I'd sure like to hear it because to be honest I'm at a loss. It's part of my ongoing battle with gay christianity, a phrase a lot of the country thinks is an oxymoron. I would like to find a church that accepts it and helps me grow in it because my experience with church's has varried. I belong to a church that is part of a synod that is splitting because the synod wants to vote on whether or not to accept gay pastors into their church, and people are so upset at the idea that they are splitting off into thier own synod who will not even consider it.

My own mother who has up to the last 8 years was the most conservative person I had ever met finally said the other day durring a discussion we were having about the issue "Don't these people realize that there are gay christians in their churches who are so afraid of them now that they will never fully accept God's love? That there are gay lutherans in EVERY church who are sitting there thinking that God's love must not be for them? That a church should not teach hate, but teach love? Every church has at least one gay person amongst them and most of the churches have no idea what they are doing to them.

I was floored. This from the woman who stared me straight in the eyes many years ago when I asked if gay people went to heaven and said "No matter how horrible of a life one may lead, you must hate the sin, but love the sinner" and said it so begrudgedly (I'm not sure that's a word) that I was scared.to.death. To hear these things from my mother and watch her grow in her own christianity over the last many years has been surprising really. I think my sister living at home has been a real eye opener for my mother. My sister goes head to head with her on issues every day and tries to get her to open her mind a little more each week, and I think the new pastor has something to do with it too. This is our first pastor that teaches love for all, the first pastor to preach about not judging others because of something we don't or can't understand. I find it so earth shattering to watch the transformation in so many, I almost feel as if God is paving the way for my inevitable coming out.

I know it's crazy to think God would tear apart our synod to make it easier for just ME to come out, but to watch our church grow in love and humanity is amazing. The studies they are doing all across the nation in our synod to open a dialoge between people about subjects that were never touched on before, it's amazing. I don't know where it's headed but it's a good start. What I want from a church is a place to help me grow and understand where I fit in. How as a gay christian single man I can grow further, to understand and break through the mental baricades that have been built so many years ago. I want to learn more about it than what I know so far. I feel as if a church that welcomes openly gay christians would be able to guide me in a better direction than a church that loves the sinner but hates the sin. To be around people who see things and hear things the way I do.

It might be a lot to ask, I may be reaching for the unachievable and I'm o.k. with that because somewhere there is a place for me, God is waiting patiently all the while teaching me how to live in the mean time, to work on those wounds inside me while I search. I'm not saying there aren't great churches all over the country, or great communities that are compassionate to the cause all over the country, I'm just waiting to find the one that fits me. That is where I feel the lonliliest, if that makes sense at all.

It's so easy to play the part of the eternal bachelor, to tell people I never want to get married, that there isn't a girl for me out there, it all comes so easy for me after all these years. But now that I know who I am I feel bad because I don't finish my thought. To tell people I'll never be married because of close minded people who think it shouldn't be legal for two people to love one another. That there isn't a girl out there for me because there isn't, but I know somewhere there is a man for me who will love me for who I am and not who I pretend to be. He's out there somewhere, waiting for me, not to complete me, but to enhance me.

In the mean time I just keep stumbling around trying to find my way, I live my life and continue to search for answers. In the mean time I pray for guidance to make the right decisions and surround myself with people who love me for who I am and to eventually trust that those people will continue to love me after I fill them in on this part of me that's aching to get out.

I have been working on myself, trying to recognize those things I want to change, to accept those things that are not right with me, and opening long ago scabbed over wounds to finally heal them the right way.

Wow, where did this blog come from?