Friday, January 22, 2010

new comment settings

I had to enable the word thing for comments because I got spammed on this blog now. I hate those things, but if it keeps the spammers away, I guess I'll do it.

Sorry for any inconvenience.

We now return you to your regular scheduled programming.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Well from such a heavy post onto some fun stuff. lol.

So I went away last week for a couple of days to go see L. I haven't been up there in awhile and I really miss her energy and our conversations so I knew it was time. I also really needed a couple of days out of town because I was getting townie fevor. I hadn't left the city limits in almost three weeks and was about to lose my mind. lol. I don't know why I'm so restless.

So anyway we usually spend our time together watching really bad horror movies. Not bad in a scary or gory kind of way, in a bad acting, bad plot kind of way and we make fun of them relentlessly. For instance, I can't hear about Dawn of the Dead without thinking about idiots hiding from zombies by holding up in a mall and playing house! I mean come on, they built themselves a little home in the storage area of a mall? yeah, stuff like that.

For christmas she recieved a set of 17 hours of bad horror flicks from the 70's, we thought we'd be in heaven. Sadly after the third movie we realized these were just so bad that we couldn't even make fun of them. lol. So we turned our attention to newer movies because there are so many I hadn't seen and she found some she knew I'd love, both for content and because of the simply delicious actors in them. They both helped me really enjoy myself. :)

The movies you ask?

First there was X-men origins: Wolverine

woof! oh yum.

Second you ask? Oh yes, then there was Star Trek:

how could you not love a movie with this man in it? Did you see his eyes? Seriously, his eyes? Oh yes, and then there is the rest of him. :)

***************************************I'm adding this picture so Jake can enjoy as well. It's the other picture I found, but I worried about posting two underware pictures in one post. :)

The lighting isn't the best in this shot, it's a moment you have to see to really experience. lol.


So those are the two movies that stand out in my mind.....but I have no idea

More funny things. I've worked in a drive-thru off and on for the last 16 years. I have seen what I think would be everything there is to see. Crazies, freaks, people who look like they live in their cars, people who can be smelled from inside the building, drunk drivers, bad parents, good parents, nice people, etc...
I have heard stories of other things, but never thought I would live to see it in my little town, until yesterday..... I looked out the window to find a man not wearing pants. I nearly died. He was about 30 shades of red saying his girlfriend spilled something on his pants, and in his defense he was trying to hold his pants over him while getting his wallet out of them and there was rather large stain on them. What cracked me up was how embaressed he was and the fact that his girl friend was tugging on the pants and laughing hysterically. I just laughed and told him I had seen it all...which I hadn't in the drive thru world, but I did when she pulled the pants away. He was not naked, but did sport the hottest pair of 2xist briefs, and they looked good on him. I should have told him, but that might have created an awkward moment. LMBO!!!
How can someone know the kind of briefs they are from the view I had? Jake and Cody would know. lol... besides recognizing types of briefs...I did see the waist band. lol. Someone has taste.

They were very close to this pair, but he wore them better.

So anyway......

A week or so ago my mother was taken to the ER with chest pains and was very scared. Her father died at the age of 46 of a massive heart attack and now all the siblings get very nervous with chest pains, understandably. They kept her over night to observe and run tests and then last week she went in for some more tests. The doctors have all said that her heart is in great shape and everything looks great. They gave her a clean bill of health and said all the indications say it was indigestion, a severe case, but non the less she's healthy. :) YEAH!

It also opened our eyes in our family about a protocol in a situation such as this. My brother who works in the medical field was very upset that he found out through a voice mail after he got off of work. He was upset they didn't call him because had there been serious issues it was him that would have been called at work to fly her to the nearest heart hospital and he would not have known until he got there and it wouldn't have been a pretty sight. We all sat down and had a long talk about being realistic that this will start to happen more frequently in the coming 20 years, it was a hard reality to face, but after so many could have should have conversations with them about their own parent's deaths it was better that we confront the future open eyed and well informed. I feel better, but at the same time I'm going back to burying my head in the sand, my parents will live forever! :)

Well I'm off. Time to get a few things done to help feel more productive today instead of spending the day on the internet. :)

Lots of love!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The first decade.

I didn't really think about it during the last post, I really didn't think about it until today during a conversation I had with some of the employees that the first decade of the new century is nearly done. I always thought as a kid that 10 years was such a long time, a decade just sounded so far away. But then again I remember being in our school auditorium and being introduced to the class of 2000 when they started school and I thought how weird it would be to have a double zero on your varsity jacket. lol.

I started to think about my job interview for my job in Michigan and when he asked where I thought I would be in five years. At the time I told him I hoped to be working for his company still, and truth be told it happened, but the five years after? Never would I have imagined my life as it is now. Where I've been, where I'm going, who I am now and the things I've learned both in life and about myself.

I brought in the year 2000 in Tampa, and it was a good time. Surrounded with family caused a few minor panic attacks but it was all good in the end. Y2K turned out to be nothing, but I secretly hoped I could watch something fall from the sky while I was sitting in that hot tub. lol. I was living with D in Michigan, I forget which of our google of roommates was living with us at the time, but it was a good year of random nights of hilarity with D and L from down the hall. Two friends that still mean a lot to me today. I was working a little part time job, but loving it. I worked for the engineering department and answered phones, graded tests, ran copies and delivered mail. It was brainless, but I loved it. I had my own office and the people I worked for were so great. The pay was little, but I didn't have many bills at that time so it worked well for me. L worked in another department so we would get together while delivering mail and hang out and have some of the craziest conversations!

That summer I went back to work fast food. I hated it, but spent a lot of time with my friends at nights and on the weekends and it was a good summer. I was so deeply in the closet you couldn't have ever found me, hidden so deep, burying thoughts, burying myself and refusing to let anyone in.

My junior year of college started in the fall and it brought on my job with Bob. It started well, working in his basement and just getting to know the industry. It wasn't glamorous but I enjoyed it. I quickly learned the ropes, I kind of had to because my friend that got me the job and was in charge of my training was fired around Christmas of that year, only a month after I started. It was strange, but I stuck it out.

'01 started uneventfully. Soon after D's girlfriend came up for a visit and just never left. She seemed to fit in well with us. L had not returned to school so she kind of filled the void. She was good and we all had a ton of fun. It was my birthday that year that I was sitting on my balcony of my apartment talking with my old friend J. She and I had quite a history that would require a post of it's own. She was the only woman I ever cared about and I thought we would end up together and she would be the only way to be happy with a woman. But it didn't work out the first time. But anyway we were chatting and we talked for many hours that night and we decided to give it another try.

I knew I could be happy with her, enough that I could bury any homosexual thought in my head. Well I guess I thought I could anyway. We started strong and heavy because we already knew each other. By the time summer was coming around we were already discussing marriage, I wanted this on the fast track because I only had one more year of college and I knew people would be looking at me after that, so we were talking about getting married the month after graduation, we would move to Florida where I could attend grad school and she could start a new career in what ever she wanted to do. Looking back it's hilarious to think about the ideas I had, the way I thought everything would work out just right.

I had planned on taking the summer off from Bob's and coming home in the summer to be with J. She never really seemed all that thrilled about the idea, but when my boss told me the job might not be there in the fall when I returned my mind turned to my career. We had a long talk and she was happy I was staying to work. She didn't want me to miss out on a great opportunity to just be miserable around town just for her. So it worked out. I had planned on staying at the apartments at college over the summer and just paying the rent because I would be making good money. Well they said it was fine but they were moving more people in with us and I hate the idea so some of my other friends took me in and we had a great summer.

It was odd living with a couple, but it worked out so well because they were both such great friends. It was kind of nice coming home to people in the house, watching movies and such. But every weekend I drove back to town to spend time with J. Things were getting rocky because she just wasn't fitting into this little picture I had of who I was going to be with. Our relationship was getting rocky in every aspect, and I do mean EVERY aspect. I got scared and planned a trip to TN, just the two of us.

By the end of that trip I knew it wouldn't last, but I kept pushing, I kept trying and I kept lying. That fall D and his girlfriend had moved to Chicago so I moved in with another friend of mine and it was so different. Most of my friends had quit school and moved away I spent a lot of time in my room. During the previous school year I had made a friend online, his name was Danny. We met in a chat room and I found him hilarious and so easy to talk to. Danny was gay, and yes, we met in a gay chat room. We had talked about everything, and he was the first person I opened too about my gay thoughts. The first person. Ever. He lived only about 20 minutes from my apartment in Michigan but meeting each other never really came up. We were just online buddies.

When I moved back to the apartments in the fall things took a turn for Danny and I. As things were cooling off between J and I, things were heating up between Danny and I. I was so torn, the months of August and September I was a mess, I was distant and just not myself, but no one was really around to notice. I was battling with myself, both in religion, in life and in love. I knew J and I wouldn't survive, I knew it was over, but I just kept fighting. I still have a series of messages from Danny that I discovered on a disk in the last few weeks and I couldn't believe myself. I actually told him that I wanted to be with him once and it would just get everything out of my system and allow me to be happy with J. He told me there was no way that would happen, not that he didn't want to be with me, but because it would unlock everything inside and cause such a mess. I didn't believe him and kept pushing him, and finally he agreed.

There are many stories I've told about Danny, some true, some not so true, but Danny was a good man. Danny was a musician, he was a church organist. He has a music company that does soundtracks and produces some beautiful electric music. Danny was very careful though, he never wanted his congregation to find out, he kept it from his roommate (how I don't know) and the thing that bothered me most about Danny was he typically only slept with married men. He said it was because they would never let the secret out.

But I didn't really care at this point, he was hot, he was smart and he was sweet, and best of all, he didn't care how fat I was. We set a Sunday in October to spend the day together, he had it planned out and I was both excited and terribly nervous for more reasons than I could ever put to words. I went home in September and went to see J. She was different, something was different, she just kept trying to get me to go home to see my parents and it was odd. It was odd until an hour later when a guy knocked on the door. She was dating someone else.

It was over, and not by my doings. It not only meant the end of the relationship, it meant the end of something inside of me. I had hit a wall, it wasn't a wall so much as the door to my closet. I went back to school that Sunday and couldn't wrap my head around it and went into melt down mode. I skipped classes, was miserable at work, and it all led to that one night. The Sunday I was supposed to meet up with Danny. I didn't go. Instead I had one of the roughest nights of my life. I believe I wrote about it but I can't seem to find it. It was the night God saved me from myself. It was the night that things changed for me, the night I felt God touch me, pushing me back down off the hand rail of my balcony.

Wow, I forgot where I was. lol.

So in '02 I graduated, I interviewed for a job in Ohio, but it didn't come through, and my boss kept upping his offer to keep me at his place, so I eventually agreed and found my own apartment and officially moved to Michigan. I was doing well in my job. My boss was a crazed psychopath but I somehow learned how to live with it. The money was great and I enjoyed living on my own.

I could continue with this, but most of what follows has been blogged about. It's funny I started this entry to write about the last 9 or 10 years but after I got through my story about Danny I lost my motivation. I have been thinking of Danny a lot lately. I have found myself browsing his website, staring at his picture, and remembering the conversations we had. I remember how he made me feel, I remember the emotions and feelings he brought out in me. I hold a special place in my heart for Danny. I have often wanted to write him and apologize for never showing up. He sent many, many emails following that Sunday asking me if I was alright. He was very caring in his emails and eventually gave up on me. I don't regret much in my life, but a part of me regrets going to Danny's that day.

I wonder what it would have been like to meet him. I often think of writing him again to let him know how things are going, but I don't. I'm afraid of ruining this memory of him by seeing him through my eyes now. Would I see him the same? It really doesn't matter much because I'll never write him. I know it would have been short lived, but I often wonder if I meant as much to him as he meant to me.

It's not a sad post, it's not a depressing post, I think of this as more as reflecting on a good thing. Without these times in my life, I wouldn't be who I am now. Without this past I wouldn't have this present and good and bad it's a good life. I've come a long way since 2000, more than I ever could have imagined and while not everything is going the way I thought, I've learned it never does, and that's o.k. It always works out, and it always will.

I wouldn't trade any of these memories and I'm glad I put them down somewhere. I destroyed nearly every conversation between Danny and I, I deleted nearly every email, but the few I came across were good ones and ones that make me feel good. They give me hope for the future, they make me realize that even when I think I'm the fattest thing on the planet, that someone cared for me and wanted me just because I am who I am, and that is worth all the pain I went through at the time.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

I had the intention of reviewing last year's posts and reflecting on last year like B did on her blog. I started reviewing my posts and by the time I got to June something came over me.....depression. Wow, my blog is so damn heavy! I could barely muster the energy to get through the year I had brought myself down so much! I did notice a strange upswing around August though....hmmm. I guess everyone is right that my mood changed after I stopped working hellish hours all the time.

All I can say about last year is thank goodness it's over! I really should stop posting so much heavy stuff and maybe break it up a little with something fun and happy. Maybe I could concentrate on the good in my life from time to time.

I do give myself a bit of a break because this past year I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff. My relationship with the people across the street that I thought was so family like, so strong and so loving turned out to be nothing but a charade, a facade, and my eyes were opened to what everyone was seeing the whole time. It took me a bit to work through it, but I'm glad I did. This year I also came to terms with some of my biggest problems with religion head on. It was a long and ugly battle that really didn't turn around until a few weeks ago. It was a long ugly battle full of kicking and screaming and a true battle of the wits.

I see now how it affected nearly every post, how I looked at thing, and I how interacted with people. It seems silly to say that two blog posts were the reason for my seeing the light, because it was a year's worth of searching, thinking, and praying that was the base of the solution, but these two blog posts really shattered the remaining pieces of the wall that prevented me from going church and really appreciating religion for what seems like the first time in my life. So while I will not idolize Jake and Tim for writing them, I will thank them for writing them when they did because they were in no small part the final straw to help me get through a very rough time. So Thank you!

God has been working in my this past year to help me heal and help me finally figure out what it has been holding me back from furthering my journey with Him. He's helped expose wounds that will still take time to heal, but it's going better than it was before. lol.

I'm still struggling with the store. Monday I'm calling a new Realtor to hopefully get this place off my back. It's been a huge thorn in my life, but it's one that was supposed to be there, one that helped me heal if that makes any sense at all. lol. These past several years have been the hardest and best of my life. I've learned a lot about myself over the years, I've learned who to be closer to, who to cut ties with and who to keep at a distance.

I struggled a lot with the idea of being out of the closet, or more about the possibilities of what could happen when I'm finally fully out, but I've decided to just take it as it comes and not pressure myself about the whole thing. I've had some great experiences coming out to a few people, and I should just live in the moment and enjoy what God brings my way.

Over all I've watched myself grow, and while that seems a bit selfish looking back over the past year, I must say it's my blog and it always seems selfish. lol. I don't think it was a bad year, honestly it was actually a good year and I can only hope this year is as good financially and materialistically as this past year was spiritually. I look forward to the new challenges ahead and look forward to the changes on the horizon and hope those changes are sooner than later. lol.

Thanks for riding along with me so far, your comments have been great and helpful and hope they continue (yes, I'm a comment whore). I realize this blog may be a bit heavy at times, but I'm learning it's just how I write. :)

Happy New Year everyone!