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Showing posts from 2009

Dear Nay Sayers

Dear Nay Sayers, I see you there, on the news quite often. Standing there with your picket signs telling me that "Fags are going to hell" and "God created Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve" I applaud you for your originality and your cute rhymes. For so many years when I was growing up and even as an adult, I believed you. I believed that this feeling inside of me, these thoughts, this idea of who I was, was truly against God. How could it not? You've told me all the bible verses telling me so, you've told me the stories, you told me how AIDS was God's way of killing gay people off. You told me God hated gays, you told me that it was unnatural for people of the same sex to be together. You told me there was no room in heaven for homos, you told me that the choice of homosexuality was the work of Satan. How could so many people be wrong? Large groups of people and organizations all fighting against gay marriage. Millions spent on "protecting th

I'm behind, I know it.

All these posts from some of my favorite bloggers that have kept me company and have helped me so much spiritually lately and I realized I've been leaving my blog in the dust and not sharing nor letting people in. It's a combination of time, moods and energy, but I'm getting there, I'll post a post that covers everything.....soon. Today I'm having hard time controlling my emotions, I haven't been eating right the last couple of days and it's really affecting my mood, but I'm getting it straightened out. Right now I'm watching Rent performed live on Broadway (on DVD now obviously) and balling. Music has a special hold on my heart and this musical holds so many emotions for me as it reminds me of so much from the time period I discovered it in and reminds me of what once was, who I was, and who I've become and it's a roller coaster, one I never know how to handle, but I still keep riding for the good and yes, even the bad. And every time I

changes

I've been on this crusade to get my house clean and presentable, all rooms at the same time and it's quite the challenge. I've been working on packing up non essential things and purging and organizing and it's been quite the challenge. In my blood line I have my father's side who save EVERYTHING!!! You never know when you're going to need this 3" piece of string to I can't throw that bottle cap away because it was from the beer I shared with my cousin in the casino lounge on the day of his wedding to newspaper articles that my friends were mentioned in, nothing to do with me, but my friend's name was in the paper so I had to keep it. Then there is my mother's side where nothing is sacred, it's just clutter. If it's more than 2 years old donate it or throw it away! You keep pictures and that's it, everything else is just messing me up and everything must go. It's a constant battle between the two blood lines every time I move o

Life, it's so funny.

So I was supposed to be heading to the club tonight with some friends to dance it up all night, but I strained my back helping my brother yesterday and felt the last thing I was going to do was going to climb the 28 steps up to the club and mess up my back more by convulsing aka dancing lol. So I opted to stay home. Instead I was planning on going to Free and Charro's and just relax for the evening. As luck would have it they were headed out of town for dinner and shopping and invited me along. I had such an awesome time. It's funny how I could have just as much fun with Free, Charro and beautiful Caryss as I do clubbing it up out and about with other friends. I just love it. While clothes shopping for Caryss, the awesome 1 year old, my gay fashion side finally showed up as I was trying to help pick out her clothes. lol. I was trying to help dress her up like the diva she is. lol. But sadly we couldn't find just the right size in the faux patent leather coat with fur t

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About me, about my personal life, my professional life, my friends, my family, love, lust, parties, past, present, God, etc... I think a lot, sometimes to a fault and I never really figure things out. I post these silly questions in my head and never really answer them. I come up with what might be, what could be, and every time I think I find an answer, it just feels like a lame excuse, or cop out, or as if I'm putting the blame on something else. It's not only the blame I put on other people or other things, I put the source of happiness in the hands of other people. I told myself I'm becoming burdened with too many friends because I don't have enough time in a week to spend with them and I spend more time feeling guilty than one person should. Yes, it was seriously a thought that crossed my mind today, which actually led to, what is it about me that people find so interesting enough to want to spend so much time wit

what a difference

It amazes me what a difference 4 years can make. 4 years ago I was drinking in celebration of a future I never could imagine and 4 years later I'm drinking for different reasons. 4 years ago I opened my business, and 4 years later I'm waiting impatiently to sell said business and move on with my new life. I've learned so much about myself and have accepted so much about my true self in the last 4 years that if me from today went back and talked to me 4 years ago I'd probably punch myself in the face. funny how long and short 4 years can feel. So much good and so much bad, but I love who I am now so much more than who I was, I guess that's saying something huh?

Dear Grandma

It is not necessary to visit me in my dreams to tell me you want me to go to Thanksgiving, you do this every year, but this year I'm fighting you. That daughter of yours seems to love to make me feel like a failure and this year grandma, I don't need that because I already feel like a complete and utter failure. I already believe that as a professional I've failed and those people that say I'm family (once a year) just thrive on helping me feel that even more. I don't need that this year and I'm sorry if you think I need to be there. I think of you often and if you were there I wouldn't fight it because you were the only reason I went for the last 10 years of your life. I know they're family, but I have to draw a line this year. Perhaps next year if I'm in a better place I will reconsider your plea, but this year I have to say no. Those people do not treat me like family and will not miss me one bit, they haven't missed my siblings in the las

Brokeback Mountain

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I had planned on watching a different movie, but this just came on Bravo and I'm not sure I can turn it off, but it will make me cry, it always does. But how can I turn the t.v. off from this? It's no wonder Eniss fell for the guy, just look at those eyes and his smile!!! I fall for him every time I see him! We'll see what wins out tonight, my other movie or my love for Jake Gyllenhaal. lol. I know I'm due for an update, and I'll get there.....sometime.

discombobulation.

I'm not sure what's been happening to my mind recently, I find myself working on myself, but at the same time withdrawing from life which is funny because I've been just so busy running from one thing to another. The last week or so I feel like I've been floating out of my body just watching life happen and watching myself interact and attend things and work. I feel like I'm not taking a part in anything and I'm not sure how to explain it. I just don't feel right in the head. I've been working so hard on my relationship with God, and yet I'm pulling away at the same time. I shrug at the idea of church and I become so sceptical when people start talking religion. I listen to a few, but for the most part I find the cynical side of me taking over and I keep fighting it. What's happening to me? I'm not finding what I want out of the usual things I used to do to pass time, I'm not finding that much fun in things I used to love. I avoid

??????

I spend a lot of time wishing I could just slow down and spend some time alone relaxing and catching up on me time, or cleaning my house, or catching up on some t.v. show. But when I find myself with the time I've been longing for, I feel like I'm not exciting enough and wish I could get out more. I don't even know what I want. I just need some time out of this body, or at least out of this mind of mine.

Bad blogger, Bad bad bad.

So I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, I really am, but lets face it, most of you have been kept up to date on the goings on from my facebook page, so I don't feel real awful. lol. First things first, my truck done blew up. It was just short of catching fire and just exploding. It is currently in pieces at my brothers house waiting for the trailer to take it to it's final resting place. Yes it could be cheaper to put a new engine in it, but the body is so rusted we're not sure it's strong enough to hold a new engine. It's bad, it's the first time in 16 years I've been without a vehicle of my own. I thank God that I have the family I have because for the first two weeks my parents made sure I got where I needed to go and things still got done, and now my uncle has loaned me his truck to get me through at least the winter. It's a company truck and he doesn't use it much during the winter so he's loaned it too me to get me through thi

I never realized.

I know it's stupid, it's irrational and completely irrational......but I miss him. I never really knew the impact he would have on me, I thought it was just another straight crush, and like the rest of them it would come and it would go and I'd move on. But I still miss him. I don't know what it was about him exactly, and I don't know what brings on these moods. Could be the feeling of being alone, or could be longing for something I know I can't have. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year, haven't seen him in that long either, but something about him, something inside of him maybe, I miss so much. It's not crying myself to sleep at night kind of missing, it's not a "I can't live without him" missing, I just miss seeing him, I miss talking to him, and I miss listening to him. I hope wherever he ended up, that he's happy and following his own dreams, because that's the only way I can accept his absence.

The cost of help.

Everyone is raised differently. Different values, different ideas and different styles of friendship. This is something that no matter how old I get, I have a hard time grasping or understanding. Today on my day off I got asked to help E cut up meat at his house because he was butchering a hog and making bratwurst. He said it would take 3-4 hours, we'd just cut it up, grind it and then he and my brother would stuff of the casings on Sunday. E has always helped me when I need help so I was more than happy to help him. Honestly I would have helped him even if he hadn't ever helped me. So as we were working he changed the plan and we started doing all parts of the project, turning a 3-4 hour job into an all day and possibly all night affair. I had made plans with S long before this came about and S and I were heading out of town around 3:30, and E knew this. I stayed until 5 o'clock when S was calling really getting irritated because we were now over an hour behind schedu

I'm 32 and helpless.

I remember when I was 16 and learned how to drive and what a great feeling it was, and when I bought my first car it was even more awesome because it came with this sense of freedom. How I wish I could feel that again. In a matter of 10 minutes I went from free and independent to relying on people completely. I never realized how horrible this would feel, knowing I can't get anywhere without the help of others. I can't get to the store, I can't go visit friends, I can't run errands, nothing without feeling like a burden on others. Sadly it's only been 24 hours and I'm already tired of this. I'm tired of already feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'll learn something about being forced to stay home, maybe I'll get somethings accomplished, who knows. God is trying to tell me something, maybe I've just been making myself so busy I couldn't hear him. Maybe this is a sign from Him. I don't know, but He's got my attention now. If anythin

Things

So tonight I went with my brother and a friend of ours to a place called "Funny Bone" a little comedy club not far from here and saw Tom Foss. I had never heard of him, but he came highly recommended so I shelled out a few bucks to go laugh and have a good time. He.was.hilarious. It was kind of awkward at one point listening to my brother and our friend E talk about the waitress helping the tables behind us talking about how they were wishing she was helping us. I on the other hand was enjoying our waiter, very cute, friendly and just down right yummy. I even covertly was flirting with him unbeknowest to my brother and E, or maybe they knew but thought I was being funny. lol. He was leaning down asking me what I wanted to drink and I told him I am what I drink and ordered a drink called the "Big & Easy" (sometimes I swear I crack myself up) he kind of paused and looked at me and giggled a little and said "Sounds good, be back in a bit" It was fun. :

Transitions

I sit here after I left a party of the person people think I am and find myself in the facebook world of what once was as I head into the world of what I am now (if that makes ANY sense at all) and wonder, where will it end? A friend of mine from college who has no idea about who I really am, well that's not really the case, he knows "who" I am, but doesn't know I'm gay found me on facebook. While this isn't really a problem or concern, he's one of the people that will be part of the merging worlds in a couple of weeks. I often thought guy was crazy for being so worried about worlds colliding back a few years ago when Bethany I formed a friendship that was guided by God (being only slightly overdramatic) but I'm suddenly realizing for different reasons why it's so strange, weird and chaotic. While I love the idea of my friends from past and present meeting eachother I worry about the out come. Not because one is better than another, but that the

Sunday nights

I really don't think I could ever watch my Sunday night shows with everyone and let them see me cry week after week, after week. Damn those writers of Brother's and Sister's, they know how to get to me week after week. lol. I had planned on doing things after work, visiting my brother, some housework, etc... but by the time my dang photos uploaded onto facebook the night was nearly over so I haven't really moved. I caught up on my shows and watched the new ones and then went and dried the tears....arg. I wish I had more to write, but just not feeling it today. It was such a good day, everything went well, everyone got along, I almost wish I had left the house to see just how good anything else could have gone lol. But here I am, sitting in front of the computer. I did however manage to put my flannel sheets on my bed and sadly put the electric blanket on my bed because the last few nights have just been too cold, and it was either the electric blanket or the furnace

Past coming back to haunt me.

It's nothing really major, it's more or less thoughts and behaviors of the past haunting me and I'm not sure how to get past it. It seems every week God brings something to my attention and as the weeks go by it's becoming so overwhelming to realize how much is wrong inside of me! So here's the story. So today I was unfortunately placed on front register for supper rush. I don't like front register in this store. In the old store the counter was taller and hid more of my body and I felt less self conscious and enjoyed the customers. In the new store the counter is lower and smaller and I am closer to the customer and more exposed and it's unnerving for me. But I had had a fairly decent day up unto this point so I didn't have a melt down or anything lol. I had served a fairly large amount of people and it slowed down and people were coming up for refills. One particular handsome young man, about the age I would say about 25 or so came up for a refill.

This week in the life of........oh yeah, Me!

I type this from the comfort of my wonderful new big boy chair. :) You would think I would have learned a long time ago that I should buy furniture built for guys of bigger size like myself, but sadly it takes me so long to catch on to things. lol. Last week I had an incident with the last of my two office chairs I bought this year. I snapped the back of the one in the house a month or so ago and then last week I snapped one of the legs off of the other chair. They were built for people that weight much less than me, but they were cheap. It doesn't help I'm rather hard on furniture, but regardless it was the motivation I needed to order the office chair I'm sitting in currently. Steel framed, wider, taller and fantastic! I could jump around on this thing and not break it! I like things that make me feel small. :) So anyway, it's been a dull week. My work schedule was crazy, my day off was spent making prettles, and all that dull stuff. It wasn't really exciting

True confessions

Sometimes I get into a mood to share with my friends things that clog up my mind from time to time, things I just want to get off of my chest, and since only a select few of you actually read this blog I'm o.k. with releasing this information. lol. 1. Sometimes I hate things just because they are popular. I fight so many things when they are popular, I'm not sure why, maybe it's a rebellion thing, or tying to go against the grain to be the mysterious cool guy. Whatever the reason, I find it irritating. lol. When "Friends" first aired and everyone flocked to it, I refused to watch it, I told everyone how stupid it was and I had better things to do with my time. I actually stuck to it because I really did have other things to do. But one fateful night my second year in college when I started living with Dan, he made me watch the show and I fell in love. I now can recite just about every line and recall every episode. I nearly missed one of the greatest shows on

More random thoughts.....by me. :)

It's been a little while since I've updated, I'm having issues with time right now, learning how to manage it and all. lol . I'm also very uncomfortable in front of my home computer because of my office chair being broken in half, so I don't sit there as much as I should. Today though I had to prepare an order for the morning and now I'm watching 49 pounds of Ribeye sandwiches thaw out, so I decided to make use of my office computer, the faster and more comfortable of the two. lol . I've been amazed over the last two weeks at the comments, emails, messages, phone calls, and hear say that I've been hearing and receiving . People have stopped me to tell me how much happier I look, how much more rested I look and what a completely different person I've become in the last three weeks. My own parents made the comment it was nice to have me back. While I could feel this change within me, I never realized I showed so much of it on the outside!?! I wa

update

It's been a whirlwind of a week and a half, full of new changes, new hours and a new life. It's taking so long to get used to, having free time, it's such a strange feeling. The first day out of the store was amazing. I slept in a little, did a little cleaning, met up with my brother to fix some plumbing in one of the rentals and that led to eating lunch out. I then went for a quiet swim at my aunt's house, a time that was so quiet. No phones, no buzzers, no customers, just me on a raft soaking up some sun. It was great. Then I went to work, but it was o.k. lol. My first Tuesday back in the store was a rough one. I was not expecting the emotional back lash to opening again and listening to the questions, and the comments, and the snide remarks, but I made it and felt good by the end of it, and I think I'm ready for this week. The new schedule is one to get used to, it's different almost every day and allows extra time at different times. Working on my feet

Today

Today started as any ordinary day, forced myself out of bed, got ready for work and went to work. Today was a day I felt self concious, I don't know what brought it on. I was in a comfort zone, a place that doesn't normally trigger this feeling. Today was the day I constantly pulled at my shirt because I felt my bulges were too defined by the tight shirt I'm forced to wear. Today was the day I wouldn't pick things up off the floor because of how I think I look when I bend over in these pants. Today was the day my feet reminded me how much weight I carry around on them all day long. Today was a day I felt customers staring at me thinking "Poor guy in his thirties and this is the best he can do" Today was a day that I felt customers thinking "Hey buddy, just because you work here doesn't mean you have to eat everything, looks like you could put the chicken down" Today was a day that you looked at me and I couldn't speak because I didn't thi

Wow

A full time job not involving the internet and no internet access on the computer at said job. How do I fit in my online time in this life? How do you do it Jake? My reader is exploding, and I'm behind on blogging! I feel so disconnected. But strangely I'm finding myself again, just wish I could be out of here to finish finding myself. I miss me. :) I miss you too. All of you. I promise to update everyone sometime this week. At least I'll try my hardest. lol.

Help me Ronda, Help Help me Ronda

Help me Ronda yeah......get him out of my heart. LOL. The fair is in town and so sparks my very bad fascination with the carnies that come in every day. They are really nice people, not the typical carnie folk you run into that are rude and obnoxious, this company stands by their carnies and if they find out they are out of line and misrepresenting their company, they are out. They don't always look the cleanest, or talk with the most proper English, and sometimes they are missing a tooth or two........but they are just so cute. I can't help it. I really can't. I can't explain it, I can't justify it.......it's just the way it is.

Random thoughts.

Well fair week is upon me, the fair grounds is filled with the hustle and bustle of people setting up and preparing for the fair. Tomorrow the campers start rolling in and before I know it Friday will be here. This is the time of year I get very nervous, it's a lot of money going out in speculation on products I'm not sure I'll sell. The rowdy and obnoxious teenagers trying to pull one over on me will start coming in and so begins everyone's constant bitching about not being able to park in my lot, or not getting to use my bathroom, or not getting to use my phone, or being able to harass people from the front of my store. It's usually more stress than anything for me. It's 15 hours a day being stuck in this place with no break. Last year I nearly went bankrupt because of the fair, but everyone just assumes I make enough off of one week to pay my bills for a year. That is so wrong. On a good year I profit enough to catch my bills up and usually pay myself

Truth Syrum

So last night we went out for S's birthday. It was a group of 10 of us in three vehicles. I was in the car with S and J. We drank before we went to gay night at the club so we wouldn't spend as much money there. The party was going well, everyone having a good time, I apparently was having too good of time. I vaguely remember the DD's loading us all in the cars and taking off. One thing about alcohol in my system is that it makes me talk.....a lot. Now in the crowd I was with I'm pretty sure I took the liberty of sharing more information than I think either of them expected about things in the past and things in my mind. At one point I leaned over to J and told her that in case she hadn't figured it out yet that I was a big ole 'mo. She said she figured it out awhile back, and I guess that only started the conversation. More and more details of the conversations in the car are coming back to me, and I know there were some things that I don't think S

Free

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No I'm not giving anything away for free, sorry to disappoint you lol. After reading B's 30 people who have influenced her life this past month I started to think about my own list, no real number of people, just everyone that has impacted my life in some way. I don't want to steal her idea because some of them I couldn't explain. I started looking through my blog here and realize just how much I've talked about S and it makes me sad that I've missed out on so many other people. I talk about S so much because he lives 6 houses down and I see him every day, he's my single partner in crime in a world filled with couples and families. We went to see F and C last weekend when we were bored because I hadn't seen them in awhile and F(ree) out of a joke (I hope) stated he had disconnected himself from me to make my moving away easier on him. I think he was joking, but it really hit home and made me realize, he really has gotten the short end of our frien