Friday, December 11, 2009

changes

I've been on this crusade to get my house clean and presentable, all rooms at the same time and it's quite the challenge. I've been working on packing up non essential things and purging and organizing and it's been quite the challenge.

In my blood line I have my father's side who save EVERYTHING!!! You never know when you're going to need this 3" piece of string to I can't throw that bottle cap away because it was from the beer I shared with my cousin in the casino lounge on the day of his wedding to newspaper articles that my friends were mentioned in, nothing to do with me, but my friend's name was in the paper so I had to keep it.

Then there is my mother's side where nothing is sacred, it's just clutter. If it's more than 2 years old donate it or throw it away! You keep pictures and that's it, everything else is just messing me up and everything must go.

It's a constant battle between the two blood lines every time I move or clean or just try to organize things. I'm trying to think about where I would put it after I move, will I still think it's something worth decorating around when I eventually get my own house? I just drive myself crazy. While going through things and packing I came across a walk-man I got for my birthday when I was 13 or something and I was still holding on to it. I haven't used the thing in 15 years, but here I've moved it the last 5 times I've moved. I finally had enough and threw it away. There is a balance between holding onto memories and holding onto the past and I'm slowly starting to find it.

I'm still an unorganized mess, but it's slowly getting better, the problem with my house being messy is I've been putting off making these kinds of decisions and these internal battles, but there are days it becomes so clear and then the next day it's all clouded again. It's usually why on clear days I make sure I make the effort to take the things to the dumpster or donation site right away before I have a chance to change my mind.

Funny how I'm learning more about myself in this slow thought out move than in my usual quick pack it up, grab it and go moves. Some of these memories I don't want, somethings I've thrown away because they aren't happy memories, they are things that trigger my old self to start interacting with my new self and it's never a good sight, it's an internal battle that usually ends in tears because there is so much about my old self I don't like, things I've already worked through and things I've forgiven myself for and when I come across some of these items it's like a warp machine that takes me back to that time, to who I was, to the decisions I made, and the results of those decisions and I hate that.

2 1/2 rooms down and 3 1/2 more to go. I'll make it to the other side I know I will because I'm not that person anymore, I don't need this crap, I'm renewed and will be clutter free.......well almost. ;)

1 comment:

  1. I'm proud of you! (Now come make Cody clean up too!)

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