I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About me, about my personal life, my professional life, my friends, my family, love, lust, parties, past, present, God, etc... I think a lot, sometimes to a fault and I never really figure things out. I post these silly questions in my head and never really answer them. I come up with what might be, what could be, and every time I think I find an answer, it just feels like a lame excuse, or cop out, or as if I'm putting the blame on something else. It's not only the blame I put on other people or other things, I put the source of happiness in the hands of other people.
I told myself I'm becoming burdened with too many friends because I don't have enough time in a week to spend with them and I spend more time feeling guilty than one person should. Yes, it was seriously a thought that crossed my mind today, which actually led to, what is it about me that people find so interesting enough to want to spend so much time with me? Why am I so damn special that people get upset when I make plans with others? I somehow turned my wonderful awesome friendships I have with so many into a burden? What the ??????
I catch myself in this circle of thought so often it's becoming a habit. Looking back on many of my blog posts I can see where people think I spend half my life depressed. I'm so quiet there must be something troubling my mind is a phrase I have heard most of my life. People call with concern after what they see as a morbid or worrisome post on my blog. I love that people are worried, but at the same time I worry that maybe they don't know me well enough yet. I have been down some dark roads in my past, I have been out on the ledge figuratively and literately, and I would never, nor could never do anything to harm myself. I have learned much in my 32 years, I have learned I have real friends that are there if I need them, and I've learned in the darkest hour it's o.k. to bury my pride and extend a hand for help. So I think I've failed them, or that I'm not trusting enough or opening up enough to my friends that they don't know that.
I'm constantly telling myself, it's my fault, or that I couldn't be responsible for my own happiness, how could I be? It must be the result of someone else, or something else, that I couldn't ever be responsible for happiness. I don't know where it comes from, but it truly haunts me sometimes.
So during these times I'm alone and filling my head with all this craziness, I have been trying to make a small difference in those dark caverns of my mind, trying to remind myself that I have pushed myself and led myself and done things that I wish more people would. I find myself in bad situations, but I've also found my way out of them. I have chased after dreams and some I've accomplished, and some just don't turn out like I originally thought, but I don't have to look back and wonder what could have been. I've put myself out there for better or for worse just to see what would happen. I know I'm not the failure I keep trying to convince myself I am, but I don't know how to move past it.
It seems like every point in my life has never felt like enough. Like everything I do is not what I really wanted when it really was. The choices I've made in my life are mine to own and I need to own them finally. I've made some shitty decisions, and I've paid for them, some I don't think I've paid enough for, but somehow God lets me sleep at night because somehow he knows it was enough. I'm thankful he's more forgiving than myself when it comes to me.
I really do notice the good things in my life, and I do think sometimes I take them for granted. I take friendships for granted many times and I try not to. I try to let my friends know just how much I appreciate every minute I get to spend with them, and that I appreciate all they do for me and how much they mean to me, but sometimes I just can't find the words.
Sometimes for me it's not what you say, sometimes it's not what you do, sometimes, and by sometimes I mean most of the time, it's just that you are there. Sometimes mindlessly watching t.v. with me, sometimes by a 2 minute phone call saying hey what's up, sorry gotta go. Sometimes it's just knowing that even if we haven't spoken in a few weeks I can call or stop by or email and not worry that I haven't been around.
I worry too much.
I've decided I need to get out more. I need to find a way to make more time, I was thinking today I need to take a weekend every other month at least to pull myself out of this place, this town and just experience new things with people I love. I know so many people all around me that I don't get to visit. The store is no longer an excuse, currently I do however have the lack of a personal vehicle at my disposal, but I'm working on that.
I realize now that I allow the mentality of this town I've called home for most of my life to drag me down. I let these people doubt myself and doubt my decisions, I give them more power than I give myself to tell me what's right, what's wrong and what's stupid and what I find fulfilling. Why is it I give them so much power? Maybe it's age, maybe it's reaching my limit of B.S., but I am who I am. I like what I like. I do whatever it is I feel I need to do and I'm so tired of making apologies for that. Just because I'm different, just because I like other things, and just because one thing can not be my favorite thing for life doesn't mean anything, it's all a part of who I am.
I am who I am, and I'm not going to feel sorry about it anymore.