Thursday, March 27, 2008

It's a dark cloud Charlie Brown

So the last several days or weeks even I’ve been battling with this dark cloud above my head. I think it was sent to me from B who seems to be finally seeing clear skies again. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is and I just can’t lock in on the cause or the problems. When this cloud arises in my life it shows me all the bad in my life, how I’m so old and so alone, how financially unsecure I am at an age where I should be comfortable, how unhappy I am becoming with my surroundings and so on and so forth. For those of you who are regulars here, you’ve been following the tale, for those new people here, well just read the archives.

Last night I was talking to a friend at work and it dawned on me about what part of the problem is. I am surrounded by doom and gloom. In one week I have had three women crying on my shoulder about their horrible lives. One who’s marriage is on the rocks, one who had to end things with a great guy because they saw different futures, and one who got trapped in a marriage early on and feels she has no one to talk to, or anyone to help her out of the hole she’s finding herself in financially without yelling at her. I have also had a friend last week who is going through a very hard financial time herself, but seems to be pulling herself together and regrouping. It’s just been horrible for everyone around me.

I’m the type of person who feeds off of others emotions, good, bad or ugly, I feed off of them and my mood and demeanor is based on those around me. When people are up, I’m up, when people are down, I’m down. It’s not a healthy cycle, but it’s who I am. I like to be able to fix things, to give good advice and bring people back to help them repair those things in their life they are unhappy with. Yea, I know, hello Pot, I’m kettle, but I digress…..

Why is it everyone is feeling so down right now? The economy around here is in the toilet so even my customers are miserable. Many of them getting laid off, losing their houses, having their services cut off, and who listens to it all? Yep, me. I enjoy being a good listener, I feel that’s the talent God has bestowed upon me so I listen because for the most part, I really do care. I care about people I hardly know because they are having a rough time, I care even more deeply about people I love because I can’t do anything to help, just sit and watch and listen. It just seems like there is a dark cloud above the world right now.

I look around at the injustices across the world and things just seem to be getting worse and worse and I have no idea how to stop it or even how it will end. I look around for someone to blame, but there is no one. Could satan really be this powerful that he can destroy everyone at once? I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the phrase: “Why is God punishing me?” this week. It’s so hard to hear when for the last six months I’ve been asking the same questions. If I were to take my own advice I would know that’s not the case, I would know that everyone has to go through some rough times to really appreciate the good times. But when will this end? When will the economy get better? When will the men in my friend’s lives learn to appreciate who they vowed to love forever? When will the lonely single people of the world finally find peace and happiness and be able to share that with someone?

I don’t know, but I think this is a big part of the cloud. I find myself struggling everyday to get out of bed. At work last night I was just so mad at the world when I got there and a friend of mine asked me what was wrong? The words “I just don’t feel like being alive today” came out of my mouth. He was kind of taken back by that, but it’s really the way I feel anymore. I don’t want to die, I just want to take a day off of life. I need a day to regroup, to come up with a plan, for the phone not to ring, for the bills to not come in, for a day not to count towards a late payment, for one day. One day of peace and quiet and time to figure things out, time to reorganize, to really think about what’s important and figure out how to stay focused on that one thing.

Life anymore has been nonstop. I read a phrase on a blog the other day and I think it was “settle down restlessly” and that’s been me for years. I can’t seem to stop and be happy with where I’m at for too long. There are so many parts of my life in each place I’ve been that I loved so much, but it’s never enough. Will I ever find the place where I can say that I don’t feel the need to keep looking? Or is it my perpetual need to have more bigger goals? Like I get bored if I don’t have something to achieve, big or small I feel like I’m working on my 31 years of to do lists, and I’m not even started! It’s a very strange feeling. Where did I get this idea that I have to be so much to so many, or this imaginary place I call success in both personal and professional life? Why is it I’m not happy doing just one thing? Why do I feel the need to overwork myself to the point of exhaustion? I fear failure. But failure of what is the mystery, if the store fails I feel like my life will come to an end, and I know in my heart I would get through it.

Someone once told me “it’s just money, don’t worry, tomorrow they’ll print more” It’s so true, but it’s hard to say that to the bill collector. It’s not to that point right now, but I feel it going there, most days I feel the world is against me and the whole town is laughing at me for doing this. But I keep going, not for them, or to prove them wrong, but for the people that believe in me. The people that come in and talk to me and tell what a great thing I’m doing and how they appreciate all my hard work and sacrifice, I do it for them. Someday I’ll get to the point I’ll do it for me, but I live my life to serve and right now, I guess that will work.

Monday, March 24, 2008

random thoughts

O.K. I have had like three hundred blog ideas in my head for a week, I'm not sure I could possibly remember them so I'll start general.

Friday I caught the flu. I'm not one to get the flu very often, but apparently when you're wore down the flu attacks very easily. I had so much to get done that I had to keep trucking along and stop from time to time to puke. Sounds sanitary right? Yeah. I puked so hard I actually broke blood vessels in my left eye, it's not pretty and people keep wondering what's wrong with it. Oh the life of a store owner right? Don't worry I had help and lots of gloves to make the meat and cheese trays I had to get done. : ) My cousin came in and watched the store for me at about 2:30 which allowed me to go in and lay down. I had to come out from time to time to help her as it was her first time running the register and actually working, but she did a great job. After my first few short naps I was feeling a little better, but the longer I was on my feet the worse I felt, so when I let her go home and locked up I layed down and just crashed. My body wouldn't even accept fluids and I was just soooo exhausted. I slept until 8:30am Saturday morning.

When I finally got up on Saturday I felt like a million bucks and I've been fine ever since. Yeah for rest!!! Woot!

Easter Sunday was rather uneventful. Service was nice and brunch with the family was nice. Had some good conversation and felt good going home, and even better about the nap I took when I got home. ; ) I spent the rest of the day and night working on getting my DVD burner to work. I've been working at this every free moment I've had for over a week and a half and I finally threw in the towel and admited defeat. Today I called my computer guru and he came over and said I had done everything right, it was a defective burner. I was relieved but also upset, but amazon's return policy is great and they will be sending a replacement shortly. yeah! I'm smarter than I gave myself credit for! And to top it off my computer guru didn't charge me for the 1/2 hour he was here working on it!! He's the best, he was just happy to get out of the house and out of stripping wall paper for a short while. HA!

Tonight I had to bowl, I'm not that good so I'm never very excited about going, but tonight just felt like a night to bowl. My first game I bowled 254. Now mind you, this is the greatest part, my average for the league is 119!! yeah, I couldn't believe how awesome I bowled!!! I rocked the house and even had the game printed out so I can frame it. My highest game ever has been a 178. I was so excited. We won't discuss the HORRIBLE second game, we'll just concentrate on the rockin first game and really nice third game. : ) Woot!

Other than that, not much has been happening. There are some interesting things happening with the back of the store as far as renters are concerned, but nothing is definate so I'm not about to talk about it yet, but it's good.

Well that's about all for now.

Well that was all for the myspace portion of the blog. I'm not always comfortable posting things on there due to the people on my friend's list, until I figure out who to clean out of there that make me feel uncomfortable this is what I do. ; )

So I was sitting in church on Sunday morning and as I scanned the faces I only see once a year when they are in church on Easter I came across a regular I went to school with and she caught my mind. Not my eye, my mind.

I've been battling for some time about where I belong, and where I should go, or if I should go at all. I watched her and thought alot about her. She grew up the same as I, went to the same school and had a really close knit group of friends. She went to school and came home, got married right away and her and her husband have two great kids. They are both from here, and she's content with where she is and who she is. She is dedicated to her family, she has poured herself into our church and has given back so much and she is always pleasant and happy to talk to people. We didn't talk in high school but not because of bad things, just circumstance. She's never said an ill word against anyone and just is genuine.

I kept thinking about her, she's very worldly, very open minded and is not like the people I associate with this place. Her friends have all moved far away and I wonder......does she feel like she's missed out on things because she didn't stay out? Or is she more happy staying around here in this failing economy and very strange people of this town? I always thought if I had a family this would be the place to raise them, but I have no interest in kids, is that why I'm constantly battling this place? I see kids every day that I just know will not amount to much. Not because they don't have potential, but because their parents are never around and treat them like they are unwanted, like they ruined their lives and it makes me sad. I've seen some really great kids that don't believe in themselves and don't think there is life outside of these city limits, that this is all there is to the world.

I know it seems pretencious of me, but I feel that is such a crime. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I want everyone to experience life outside of this place, to gain perspective, to open their minds? I enjoy classical music, I enjoy theatre, I enjoy multicultural dishes, I enjoy other cultures and don't call other cultures weird or not do something because it is unfamiliar. I worry every day that being here will rob me of everything I've experienced. I know it's a bit of an over dramatization, but it's true to a degree. I feel like my vocabulary has dwindled since I've been back and my conversational skills are lacking as well. I find myself shut off from the world when I'm here. Is this what enticed me to come back? The place of security where I could feel superior to others? I don't think I'm superior to others, I really don't, but sometimes I feel like they don't understand me because I want more than this town.

It's a constant battle in my head about what's good for me. I battle about what to do about it, and I battle how to make this place liveable and comfortable for me. I think a lot of this has to do with the lack of time I have to enjoy any kind of life, and the constant money battle I find myself in. This place is not all bad, don't missunderstand. There are more people like the girl from church, people that have been out and understand cultures and enjoy things that are different and outside of the realm of comfort, and I find myself drawn to these people. I enjoy spending time with these people and becoming friends with them. I'm thankful that these people have crossed paths with me, and think that God has sent them to help comfort my stay here.

None of that probably made sense but suddenly I'm feeling better about this place, at least for now.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Being Seen

So have you ever been sitting in a group and felt like you were invisible. Like you are talking and no one will even look your way? I've been feeling like that with my family lately. Not my immediate family but with my aunts and uncles etc...

We had a family meeting the other day regarding our family's team for the event. Months ago when we decided to do this I had said I was going to make the offer of if the store raised $1500 I would let the family shave my head the day of the event, people were luke warm about the idea, but I knew it would be fun so I kept up with the idea. So we're sitting at this meeting talking about ideas and my aunt makes the announcement that my uncle has made the offer if we raised $5000 for the team he would shave his head. Everyone thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread! My sister turned and looked at me and was like "WTF?" I shook my head. Every idea I had was restated through someone else and everyone just jumped all over it and thought it was wonderful. I just kept thinking..."Did they not even really listen to me when I said it?"

It happened with my brother as well, he had offered to do a chicken bar-b-que as a fund raiser, he makes the best chicken, but my uncle suggested it and everyone jumped all over it. I just looked at him like "WTF?" and he returned the same glance. I swear we just talk to walls. I always suspected it but never really believed it, you know? But it seems it has been confirmed. Now 10 years ago I would have jumped up and caused a scene and pissed and moaned to everyone involved until I was blue in the face, but I've grown. I just kept thinking "I moved home to be closer to these people? What the hell was I thinking?"

Even as far as the store, I have offered to donate two giant roasters of prettles to sell that night to raise money which they have accepted, only one aunt was excited. My other aunt was asked to make potato salad because they said hers was the "best". Now mind you she never offered, and her restaurant will be sold at the end of this month, so she won't have the place to make that amount of potato salad at that time, and they suggested she uses my kitchen to make it. I just stared at them in disbelief. I told them if potato salad was going to be made under my food license and coming out of my store it would be MINE.

My sister looked at me and said "Don't they know you make thousands of pounds of potato salad every year?" I just laughed and started to look at my family, this family I've loved so much and it dawned on me. Only three of the people in the room have ever been in my store. None of these people support me at all. They come to me to design their homes and expect huge discounts but never step foot in my store to spend a dime. I just became furious and shut up the rest of the meeting. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Now I could have started trouble, I could have thrown a tantrum, but I'm better than that. This even is not about me, this event is in support of my aunt, my aunt who is moving across the country to be with her family again after losing her husband and battling cancer all in the same year. I shut up because this is about her. But I must say my allegiance to this town because of my family disolved at that moment. A part of my family love died that day, a part of me just wanted to walk away. My sister and I did leave early that night because we were fed up. I don't hold grudges against my family but I did open my eyes, finally.

I still love them, but I have taken them down off the pedestal I put them on, I put them on the same level I put other families on, the families I see that get torn apart because of pettiness. My family walked away from my father's side of the family because of situations like this, only worse, but at some point they were like this too, it just escalated. Will this too? The picture in my head has been shattered with this family. I'm sad and disappointed, and I pray that someday it changes, but maybe it's God showing me it's o.k. to leave these people, that I don't need them in my everyday life. I'm not sure it's a message he would send, but maybe it's part of it.

But it's not about me, I'll do what I'm asked, and do as I feel I need to, to support my aunt and her victorious fight against cancer, the rest is all just petty bickering and I refuse to take part in the bitterness after this is posted.

Oh my.....

So I really shouldn't post when I'm like this but I have to say I love kahki pants.

Not on me so much as I haven't found a comfortable pair yet, but I think that's because of my size. But I had 8 count them 8 customers today of the male persuasion of course come in wearing the greatest kahki's I could imagine.

They hugged in all the right places and made me swoon. yes, swoon. LOL.

I just had to share that bit of information.

I've been so busy lately I have not had the time to blog much about anything. Sadly with as busy as I've been there hasn't been much to blog about. Just mundane things.

I would ordinarily say there isn't much "gay" going on in my life as this is what I created this blog for, but there really isn't anything going on. There are things as usual, but not really anything worthy of a blog. Well there is but it's something I can post on my other blog, and I will if I can get through this one and get it done before I pass out.

I've been wanting more in my social life lately. I'm not sure what more I'm looking for, but I'm looking for something exciting, something different, something maybe cultural, or something sophisticated. I don't know, but I need something. Yes, probably that too, but there is something more than physical needs right now that I'm craving and I'm not sure what it is. This will be interesting.

So I have a foot in the door for a possible position in my field in N.C. Further than I had originally thought I wanted but the more I think about it, the more I think it might be good for me. I haven't told many people about it because people freak out when I talk like that, but the two people I've told have been fairly excited about it, but I'm not even thinking about it much. I really have this need and desire to finish this place before I try to sell it. I'm not sure if it's the need to see it complete that's driving me or the fear of rejection from my profession that's preventing me from moving on this.

Or could it be the constant battle of leaving. Every bad day I have still has good in it. I look around at the people I love around here and wonder if I can leave them again. The scary part is that the people I love and am not related to, are not the people I expected it to be. Perhaps it's because I'm used to leaving the others, or perhaps it's because friendships are not the same as they were when I left the first time. When I left life went on and I have just not found my way into those lives again, some of it my fault I will admit, but non the less, it's happened. I still love them, but it's not been the same. But life moves on and I'm o.k. with it. The important parts are still there and even F and I have drawn closer. And there have been plenty of new people that I also love that will be a part of my life forever.

The decision on N.C. will wait, the thinking of it will wait, for now. I have too much to achieve yet while I'm here. I've prayed and I don't feel I'm done here. I feel my time is coming closer to being done here, but it's not yet.


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Drunken Reflections

I wrote this last night after I got home from my neighbors:

So I spent the night a little drunk and talking to my neighbors and having a good time. At the end of the night I came stumbling home and walking into this building and thinking….”Damn, what a great life I lead” And I was perplexed by this idea. How can someone have such a wonderful life and be so miserable all at the same time. I said it best to G when I said, I’m happy with what I have, I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted to no return. I work and I work and I work, but it’s not for nothing, I’m actually making progress in this shell of a dream and I should take pride in that at least, but yet I don’t.

I think back to my time in Michigan, I was working like a dog and getting treated like shit and yet I felt like it was so good. I had the money to do pretty much whatever I felt like, but lacked the time to enjoy it. I constantly found myself being beaten down by my boss and constantly questioning everything I did. I was having a blast living on my own, making my own decisions, paying my own bills and playing however I wanted. I had no one to answer to, no one to question and no one to interigate me when I got home from doing whatever I wanted, and yet I was miserable.

Here I work for myself, I have discovered some of the greatest people I’ve ever known and rediscovered some really great people that I love dearly, and yet I’m too tired to enjoy it. Will I ever balance my life? Will I ever find that place where I can both recognize how blessed I am as well as have the time to enjoy it? I just don’t know.

This place has brought me some really great times and I’ve met some really great people and yet it has been souly responsible for some of the hardest and worst times of my life. How can something so wonderful bring with it the horrible times? I’m so confused I just don’t know what to think when I’m sober.

But I’m so tired.

It was a late night, but it really was a fun night. Now I still need a nap! hahahahaha!!!

Oy, still have to go to work tonight.

I'll try to get inspired to write more maybe tomorrow.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Busy days and thoughts on lazy weekends

So as this is the store blog I thought I would take a moment to update the store status. Today rental unit #2 was approved by the county inspector to be legal and safe. That was the final approval I needed to legally rent the space out. Now to get it a seperate address. Phones were installed in rental unit #3 and the space is also finished. Now I have to schedule the final approval on that space as well.

What this means is I actually have three businesses under my roof. I can't explain how weird that is. When I bought this place over two years ago there were days I was here all by myself. Seriously, 7500 square feet of loneliness. Rental #1 (the beauty shop) was the only place this place had to rent out and was "ready" to rent out. After so much stress and spending I now have three fully rentable spots in my building. Two of them could use a little addition, such as a bathroom, but for now with the people I have renting, it's o.k.

I am purchasing a camera system for the store. My uncle is going to sell me his very nice system that he is removing from his restaurant and it will help me sleep a little better at night. It's something I've always wanted to do, but have never had the funds. The funds still aren't there, but the price is right and he's in debt to me for a nice sum of money, so it's going to work out just fine. Woot!

Today was just flooded with everything happening building wise, a good flow of customers, and just tons of visitors. I didn't even spend time in my office until nearly six o'clock!! It was crazy I know. But I felt good today.

So this weekend was pretty uneventful. Friday I had to clean at the annex and then got some carryout and spent some time relaxing in front of the t.v. Eventful huh? Then Saturday I had a good day at the store, then worked at Wendy's. What an awful night. Working with people I didn't care to work with, and they were SO SLOW!!!! My regular crew has gotten me so used to easy closes that last 1/2 hour at most, but these guys had me there for nearly an hour and a half. I was so mad when I got home. Then daylight savings time had me fast forward to nearly 4 in the morning. I finally crashed.

Sunday I couldn't convince myself to get out of bed much before I met my rents for lunch. Had a good lunch and good conversation and then home to start laundry. Then my rents picked me up and we went to Toledo to get some supplies. They just like to get out of the house on Sundays, doesn't really matter to where. When we returned home I finished wiring the internal phone lines for rental #3 and then finished my laundry. After that I gave in to temptation and sat down and watched t.v., made a small supper and just vegged infront of the t.v. Finally going to sleep around 11.

I felt so guilty sitting and watching t.v. when I could have been cleaning out my computer desk, cleaning my disasterous kitchen, cleaning the laundry room or the bathroom, or organizing the hallway. I did manage to sew a few buttons back onto one of my work shirts. Nothing says manly like sewing. HAHAHAHAHA!!! But even after the things I did acomplish I felt so lazy. I felt like I wasn't doing enough, or that I was using exhaustion as an excuse to get lazy. I work hard all week and I shouldn't feel guilty for taking a few hours to watch some t.v. but yet I do.

I just consider myself fat and lazy if I spend more than an hour watching t.v. and I'm not sure how to stop that. Or maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should find my motivation and keep moving until I collapse, or at least feel like I've acomplished more than I have. I get so lost trying to figure out what to think. Oh well, it's a constant struggle I guess. ; ) I read my friend B's blog (yes, another holla for B!) and she talked about a similar issue. She seemed to be able to let go of the guilt, why can't I? Live and learn I guess. ; )

So anyway, I think that's all, it's nearly 12:30am so I supposed I should go to bed and hope I have another great dream like last night. I just hope I start earlier so I can enjoy the dream instead of having my alarm wake me up in the middle of it!!!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Polictical Views

So I've been thinking alot about politics, as is easy to do when the primary has been going on. This isn't really a blog about the candidates political views as we don't really know their views. We know what they tell us, but how often are those their real views? Most of the time it's what they think we want to hear and what the party tells them to say. They are all puppet masters.

So out of all the candidates I was most impressed with Huckabee, now it's not that I think Huckabee would make a great president, but given our choices, what more could I say? Since when is voting for president just choosing the one person that you feel will do the least amount of damage to the country? Why are we not presented with someone who excites us and makes us thrilled to vote? We get who excites the party, and who does that? Puppets.

The republican party was started as a party that believed in small government. What happened to that party? Now all of a sudden the republican party wants government to step into everything. They say they want to protect us, protect us from what? Who's going to protect us from them? They are just as bad as the democrats. They want programs to help so and so but we need 72 new laws to protect us from this or that. Now these 72 laws will allow us to be a part of your daily life, to make sure you don't have to make decisions for yourself, and make sure the few decisions you have left will have to be cleared by 386 committees and be brought to a vote in Congress to be approved or denied.

What is so small about that type of government? I just want someone to run for president that doesn't have millions upon millions of dollars and uses the words "cut government spending" in nearly every sentence. I would like to hear someone say they are going to cut all budgets down the line, no one will be spared. That's what americans want to hear. Privatize these things that the government loses money on, let someone else do it, because the government only knows how to LOSE money, not make it. I'd sell the entire Postal Service on ebay. That would be fun. ; )

So anyway, I didn't vote on Tuesday, I just didn't feel like it was worth my time for a primary. As a registered Republican who am I going to vote for, McCain? nope, couldn't do it. My sides been decided. Hucklebee has been told it wasn't his turn to run for president, turns? They have turns? That's what gets me going.

But anyway I digress away from politics....

I have been pretty down on myself lately. I know people have been trying to build me up but I just seem to be defeated at every turn, how can I bounce back? I keep hearing to hang in can I? How can you hang on to something that's dragging you down? Business will bounce back.....What do I pay the bills with in the mean time? Salami? You're going to make it......Really? Can I take a look at that crystal ball sometime? All you need is to advertise.....really? why didn't I think of that? And how do I pay for said advertising? yeah, no answers from anyone. I hate being so negative because it didn't take long before it started to not just be towards my business but to me too. Suddenly I'm looking into mirrors cursing my body again, cursing my social skills, cursing my knowledge, cursing my choices. By the end of the day I just curse my life in general.

I'm just not any fun to be around anymore. I'm not consolable. I need to find someone who has been there and has some actual advice of how to get out of this, how to get myself back to being myself. I didn't use to talk about money every minute in a conversation. I didn't use to belittle myself and my abilities in every moment. I used to be able to stay focused on the long term and what I had to accomplish to get there. Lately all I've wanted to do is to drop it all and run. Where would I run? I doubt my design skills and my architectural abilities so much lately I don't feel I'm qualified for any position that could be available.

I haven't even written a funny and random blog in so long. My pope personality is funny, but I can't seem to channel him anymore. Oy, what a mess I've made myself.

Lets see, I need some happy things to end this blog with..........
My friend Steph emailed the other day to say she was pregnant!! Woot!
I do have some really great friends. Woot!
My family still loves me. Woot!
I only have to work one job tomorrow. Woot!

O.K. I think that will do.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Customer Service

So I've been thinking the last day or two about my anxiety. I've been starting to wonder how much of this has to do with how much time I spend trying to make customers happy. I spend nearly 70 hours here trying to keep people happy and another 15 hours at Wendy's trying to keep customers happy. That's 85 hours of just customer service. How can anyone survive that? Anyone that has worked customer service can relate. Customers are not the easiest people in the world to deal with. Why? Because of the phrase "the customer is always right". People have decided that means the customer is the only human in this equation. That the customer service representative is somehow below the customer in the chain of human life. That's what drives me crazy.

A customer service rep has to handle so many problems, absorb so much abuse and some how turn that all into energy used to help this person. I guess that's what christianity is all about. To take what you have to take and still treat the person like they matter. I've been trying to work on this aspect of my life. If I can be better at customer service, maybe I can be a better christian, or I'll lose my mind and my anxiety of pent up anger and frustration will just kill me. ; ) It's a fine line. If I can figure out how to process the abuse and stupidity and turn it into good feelings for others, I will be alot better off.

I've been a little freaked out lately as there is a major financial dilema I have to deal with, and I'm not sure how. I fell behind on one aspect of my bills and it is going to have a HUGE effect on my business if I don't find a way to take care of it in the next month. I hate this aspect of the business, I hate scraping only to fall behind. I'm going to really have to buckle down and figure this out. The small line of credit I took out just wasn't enough. I'm really starting to think that after I get the last few major renovations done it might be time to look at selling. At least get it on the market. I'm still not sure about it and am worried sick about it, but I may have to at least check out the option. Once these final renovations are done it will leave me with just one fairly large repair to make, but I'm sure it's something someone else could take care of, depening on the value of the building. There is a minimum I would have to get out of this business to pay the bills and leave me with something to move on with.

So I'm watching house hunters on HGTV for million dollar homes. I always said if I won the lotto I wouldn't get extravagent, but I'm afraid I would have to buy one of these homes on the ocean in Oahu. I just wouldn't be able to turn it down. Oh, what I could do with that kind of money. I would spend the first six months just showering my friends and family with gifts and paying their debts, oh the lives I could change.

Well I don't seem to be able to concentrate on blogging tonight while I'm watching all these million dollars homes on t.v. I'm inspired to design, and I don't have my new software yet!! ARG!!!

So anyway, I'm trying to blog more so B will be content and I can get all these random thoughts out of my head. ; ) (holla for B!!)

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Oh Alcohol.

Oh what a weekend. A horrible sales day on satruday still turned into a fun day. The neighbors were over most of the day working on their new office space in the back of the building, which turned out great I must say. They moved fast and it's nearly done. While they were working the neighbor's father had a good bottle of Black Velvet with him as he likes the drink. He invited me to join him in a few drinks. I'm not one to turn down whiskey at all, so of course I poured myself a drink, then two, then three, then....well you get the idea. By the time I closed I was feeling really good. S swung by to take me to dinner at his uncle's bar and I was in rare form.

At the bar drama unfolded but it wasn't my drama so it wasn't that bad, but it was informative to S's family and what he deals with on a semi daily basis and it answered so much about s that I never realized about him and his family. But we had a good time and continued onto the Legion to play pool. I really don't know why we don't do that more often, it's enjoyable, it was semi quiet and it's just a good time.

When we got back to my place S fell asleep in the recliner and I fell asleep in my stooper on the couch. About 4am I kicked S out and went to bed. I woke up at 8 thinking I had to work, then 9:30am when my sister called to see if I wanted to go to breakfast, which I didn't. I just didn't think I had the energy to get up and go eat, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I ended up sleeping until noon. I haven't done that in quite some time and it felt good. About the only thing I've done today was to have dinner with my family for my mother's 60th. birthday. She has problems with big crowds so we didn't do much of anything for her birthday, and I think she's a little sad we didn't make more of a deal about it. Which shocks me a bit, and a little upset. Maybe we'll do something next year for her.

So I've been sitting here today and I realized how much more I like the buzzed me than the normal me. The buzzed me talks a lot more, is a lot more social and is more willing to say things that are in my head than when I'm completely sober. It's a strange feeling really, I think sometimes I should drink more. ; ) Although I must say I found myself putting myself down a lot more. I'm not sure if I was looking for reassurance, or if that's really how I feel deep down, but for the most part, I think I'm a lot of fun. You'd have to ask S for sure, but I find myself more entertaining. ; )

So for those who haven't seen me drunk or even buzzed, I guess all you need is to bring a bottle of whiskey! I'm a sucker for liquor. ; )

So other than that, not much has happened. It was really sadly quiet around here this weekend which makes me very nervous. I'm not sure if it's the economy, the time of the year or if the new competition down the street is going to put me under. I'm really scared and wish I had an answer to either the financial portion of this or the future of this, or maybe even both. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this.

I keep thinking about the life I feel I should have, the life I think I want. I'm still not sure if it would be what I think it should be or if it would just be another life with another set of problems, just as bad as before. I'm trying to find the motivation to make the life I have everything I think it can be and just move on from there. It's time to find the motivation.