I wrote this last night after I got home from my neighbors:
So I spent the night a little drunk and talking to my neighbors and having a good time. At the end of the night I came stumbling home and walking into this building and thinking….”Damn, what a great life I lead” And I was perplexed by this idea. How can someone have such a wonderful life and be so miserable all at the same time. I said it best to G when I said, I’m happy with what I have, I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted to no return. I work and I work and I work, but it’s not for nothing, I’m actually making progress in this shell of a dream and I should take pride in that at least, but yet I don’t.
I think back to my time in Michigan, I was working like a dog and getting treated like shit and yet I felt like it was so good. I had the money to do pretty much whatever I felt like, but lacked the time to enjoy it. I constantly found myself being beaten down by my boss and constantly questioning everything I did. I was having a blast living on my own, making my own decisions, paying my own bills and playing however I wanted. I had no one to answer to, no one to question and no one to interigate me when I got home from doing whatever I wanted, and yet I was miserable.
Here I work for myself, I have discovered some of the greatest people I’ve ever known and rediscovered some really great people that I love dearly, and yet I’m too tired to enjoy it. Will I ever balance my life? Will I ever find that place where I can both recognize how blessed I am as well as have the time to enjoy it? I just don’t know.
This place has brought me some really great times and I’ve met some really great people and yet it has been souly responsible for some of the hardest and worst times of my life. How can something so wonderful bring with it the horrible times? I’m so confused I just don’t know what to think when I’m sober.
But I’m so tired.
It was a late night, but it really was a fun night. Now I still need a nap! hahahahaha!!!
Oy, still have to go to work tonight.
I'll try to get inspired to write more maybe tomorrow.