Monday, March 24, 2008

random thoughts

O.K. I have had like three hundred blog ideas in my head for a week, I'm not sure I could possibly remember them so I'll start general.

Friday I caught the flu. I'm not one to get the flu very often, but apparently when you're wore down the flu attacks very easily. I had so much to get done that I had to keep trucking along and stop from time to time to puke. Sounds sanitary right? Yeah. I puked so hard I actually broke blood vessels in my left eye, it's not pretty and people keep wondering what's wrong with it. Oh the life of a store owner right? Don't worry I had help and lots of gloves to make the meat and cheese trays I had to get done. : ) My cousin came in and watched the store for me at about 2:30 which allowed me to go in and lay down. I had to come out from time to time to help her as it was her first time running the register and actually working, but she did a great job. After my first few short naps I was feeling a little better, but the longer I was on my feet the worse I felt, so when I let her go home and locked up I layed down and just crashed. My body wouldn't even accept fluids and I was just soooo exhausted. I slept until 8:30am Saturday morning.

When I finally got up on Saturday I felt like a million bucks and I've been fine ever since. Yeah for rest!!! Woot!

Easter Sunday was rather uneventful. Service was nice and brunch with the family was nice. Had some good conversation and felt good going home, and even better about the nap I took when I got home. ; ) I spent the rest of the day and night working on getting my DVD burner to work. I've been working at this every free moment I've had for over a week and a half and I finally threw in the towel and admited defeat. Today I called my computer guru and he came over and said I had done everything right, it was a defective burner. I was relieved but also upset, but amazon's return policy is great and they will be sending a replacement shortly. yeah! I'm smarter than I gave myself credit for! And to top it off my computer guru didn't charge me for the 1/2 hour he was here working on it!! He's the best, he was just happy to get out of the house and out of stripping wall paper for a short while. HA!

Tonight I had to bowl, I'm not that good so I'm never very excited about going, but tonight just felt like a night to bowl. My first game I bowled 254. Now mind you, this is the greatest part, my average for the league is 119!! yeah, I couldn't believe how awesome I bowled!!! I rocked the house and even had the game printed out so I can frame it. My highest game ever has been a 178. I was so excited. We won't discuss the HORRIBLE second game, we'll just concentrate on the rockin first game and really nice third game. : ) Woot!

Other than that, not much has been happening. There are some interesting things happening with the back of the store as far as renters are concerned, but nothing is definate so I'm not about to talk about it yet, but it's good.

Well that's about all for now.

Well that was all for the myspace portion of the blog. I'm not always comfortable posting things on there due to the people on my friend's list, until I figure out who to clean out of there that make me feel uncomfortable this is what I do. ; )

So I was sitting in church on Sunday morning and as I scanned the faces I only see once a year when they are in church on Easter I came across a regular I went to school with and she caught my mind. Not my eye, my mind.

I've been battling for some time about where I belong, and where I should go, or if I should go at all. I watched her and thought alot about her. She grew up the same as I, went to the same school and had a really close knit group of friends. She went to school and came home, got married right away and her and her husband have two great kids. They are both from here, and she's content with where she is and who she is. She is dedicated to her family, she has poured herself into our church and has given back so much and she is always pleasant and happy to talk to people. We didn't talk in high school but not because of bad things, just circumstance. She's never said an ill word against anyone and just is genuine.

I kept thinking about her, she's very worldly, very open minded and is not like the people I associate with this place. Her friends have all moved far away and I wonder......does she feel like she's missed out on things because she didn't stay out? Or is she more happy staying around here in this failing economy and very strange people of this town? I always thought if I had a family this would be the place to raise them, but I have no interest in kids, is that why I'm constantly battling this place? I see kids every day that I just know will not amount to much. Not because they don't have potential, but because their parents are never around and treat them like they are unwanted, like they ruined their lives and it makes me sad. I've seen some really great kids that don't believe in themselves and don't think there is life outside of these city limits, that this is all there is to the world.

I know it seems pretencious of me, but I feel that is such a crime. Is that wrong? Is it wrong I want everyone to experience life outside of this place, to gain perspective, to open their minds? I enjoy classical music, I enjoy theatre, I enjoy multicultural dishes, I enjoy other cultures and don't call other cultures weird or not do something because it is unfamiliar. I worry every day that being here will rob me of everything I've experienced. I know it's a bit of an over dramatization, but it's true to a degree. I feel like my vocabulary has dwindled since I've been back and my conversational skills are lacking as well. I find myself shut off from the world when I'm here. Is this what enticed me to come back? The place of security where I could feel superior to others? I don't think I'm superior to others, I really don't, but sometimes I feel like they don't understand me because I want more than this town.

It's a constant battle in my head about what's good for me. I battle about what to do about it, and I battle how to make this place liveable and comfortable for me. I think a lot of this has to do with the lack of time I have to enjoy any kind of life, and the constant money battle I find myself in. This place is not all bad, don't missunderstand. There are more people like the girl from church, people that have been out and understand cultures and enjoy things that are different and outside of the realm of comfort, and I find myself drawn to these people. I enjoy spending time with these people and becoming friends with them. I'm thankful that these people have crossed paths with me, and think that God has sent them to help comfort my stay here.

None of that probably made sense but suddenly I'm feeling better about this place, at least for now.

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