Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Not enough

For the last three days now I've been waking up early in a stressful ball of nerves.  My dreams have been waking me up, dreams about times and situations where I haven't been enough, and today of situations where I'm feeling like I'm not enough.  Three days now of my subconscious either reminding me of where I've failed or trying to get me to think about ways I'm doing it again.

I awake and lay there trying to calm myself but it leads further down that path, if I awake from one situation my mind will start to wander down similar paths but different situations.  Today I woke up stressed out about my current job, not that the job is stressful but my mind is playing tricks on me during this time where I'm the supervisor, but not really the supervisor and what I need to do to show them I can do it without having the actual power or backup systems of being the supervisor.  My mind is trying to show me the ways I'm failing and when I wake up it reminds me how I have failed in previous jobs and where I went wrong and inevitably I end up where I was 7 years ago.  I emotionally end up battered and bruised and feeling unworthy. 

Eventually the other side of my brain as I force myself awake tries and tries to remind me that this is not the case, that this all stems from being around bad people who I thought were "friends" most of my life and the mental abuse I withstood from 2000-2005.  While I have been slowly figuring the truth out, in those moments when I first awake from these dreams I'm back there in those original moments, reliving them and not being able to escape.  I force myself awake to think about other things in my life that are good, and remind myself how much good is in my life now, how much positive reinforcement I have now, and so on and so forth.

I'm fairly certain the previous blog post was the stem of all this uncertainty in my subconscious, the timing is impeccable and creates the slippery slope I find myself on.  Now comes the challenge of stopping it because at least now I know it must stop.  At least I now know that much of this was false and that I am enough.  It's a battle between the subconscious and the conscious.  I know who usually wins when I'm awake, now to figure out those dream battles.  Well I think for now I'll try to salvage the last couple hours before I need to get up.

Monday, September 10, 2012

A moment in my mind

I have spent the last 6 months purposely working on my self esteem, especially when it comes to my own thoughts and my internal monologue.  I have been getting much better at not talking myself down and finding self worth in myself, appreciate myself and just generally being nicer to myself in the hopes that if I found love with myself, perhaps I would be ready to let others love me. 

Six seconds into a conversation with a cute boy who was interested in at least getting to know something about me and I completely mentally melted down back into the person and the thoughts I was over six months ago.  I had problems keeping a conversation going because in my head I kept asking why a cute boy would talk to me, why he would even move seats to talk to me.  I couldn't understand anything that was happening.  I faked it as much as I could to keep the crazy on the inside, but I was just a hot mess inside. 

Ug.  Why can't I just live in the moment and meet new people like the normals?  How is it I can see value in myself until someone else tries to?  How do I get this to stop?  Perhaps I just need to jump into these situations more until they feel normal.  I don't know, all I know is it's just time for this to stop, it holds me back so much, it just needs to end.