Wednesday, November 9, 2011

T.V. Divas

So the last couple of weeks I started watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix. It's the usual campy lawyer, dumb girl gone smart show that overall was pretty predictable, but about three episodes in I was floored by the strong subtext in the show. There is this amazing sub story about the main character and how she finds this inner strength to carry herself with such confidence. The main character was born a thin supermodel, super might be stretching it, but you get the point, some things happen and she ends up in the body of an over weight smart lawyer. The sub context in this story line blew me away. I couldn't stop watching because of this whole thing. It's so hard to put into words, but I can still find it so amazing that big people can have this confidence and this attitude of "yeah, this is me, get over it and love it". I have been working on it and searching for it, and this show came along just at a time I was giving up on it. I know it's just a t.v. show and it's just a character, but the writing for this character had to come from somewhere and it's just simply amazing.

To top it off I started watching season 3 of Ru Paul's Drag Race, I hate that I love that show so much. In season three they have three big girls, a couple of them are really big, and they have this amazing attitude that I wish I could bottle up and take myself. It's just like confidence is jumping out at me right now in so much that I watch or observe. It's telling me that's it's possible to love who you are, no matter what size you are, and no matter who you are. It's odd that I find this concept so hard to grasp. I love the idea of having this confidence, it would show through in every avenue of life and can be infectious.

Over the next year I'm really going to start making a physical and mental effort to work on this confidence, this confidence to just shine and be who I am and love myself for it. I'm going to work on no apologies for who I am, no excuses for my body. I am who I am and it's just time to love it. If I love myself and believe in myself enough, who knows what kind of year it could be. I am this size because a smaller body could not handle my personality. :)

I'll get there, I just know it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


So I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and my sister after dinner one night just talking and catching up on this and that and we talked about one of my sister's best friends from high school. They roomed together the first two years of college and were as tight as two friends could be. They agreed on so much and talked about their very open minded ideas and such. Since then, said friend went to seminary and began working for a very fire and brimstone church in Columbus as a youth administrator of some sort and has since pretty much broken communication with my sister because of her crazy liberal agenda and that's what we were talking about.

My sister had told us about this conversation they had in college about gay christians and how wrong the church had it and how closed minded it was. They were both good friends with a guy who was in seminary wanting to be a preacher for a church community who would never hire him because of his partner. She said they went on and on about the changes that needed (and eventually were indeed changed) happen. Well she recently ran into her and they spoke for awhile and my sister was getting updated on her marriage and new baby (now nearly 2 years old) and such and talked a little about church, if she still enjoyed her church and the changes in our hometown church which evidentally drove her family out of our church. They started to debate it a little and said friend told my sister that she couldn't believe she could be a part of a church community that accepted "those homos" they would destroy the fabric of the church and go against the bible and so on and so forth. My sister at this point ended the conversation and pretty much wrote off the friendship at that point.

Well this is where it gets interesting because my Mom starts to speak up. I'm putting it in quotes but I can tell you it is probably not word for word, but it's very close because it still sticks in my mind.
"Did you ask her what she would say if Henry (her baby) were to tell her that he was gay? Does she think she would stop loving him because of something as silly as being gay? What kind of mother would that make her? What kind of church is she working at anyway? It doesn't seem like a very christian friendly church to me"

She spoke more on the subject just basically supporting the above statements and such and to be honest at first I didn't even catch on to what she first said, but as soon as the conversation ended and we were all headed off in different directions I had gotten in my car and just sat there for a minute as it hit me and started to sink in.

Did I really just hear that? Did that really just happen? Was this all a set up to get me to come out to them finally? I'm now convinced they both know and are slowly trying to get me to open up about it and they are now working on the comfort level to lay some ground work to make it easier. As I was driving to my next destination for the evening I kept hitting myself wondering why I didn't catch on earlier and just take that opportunity, to finally put it out there and be done with all this craziness in my head. I nearly cried just running that conversation over and over in my head and to be honest have done it a thousand times since that day.

To hear the sincerity in her voice, to see the concern and passion in her face, she knows, she just knows. It feels like another message, another building block in not so distant future new relationship we are laying the ground work for without actually saying it. It still nearly brings me to tears. I haven't talked about it with anyone because it's just been bouncing around in my head trying to process and trying realize the depth of that conversation and what it means to me and how that will affect the timeline of how this goes, but it certainly brings me a little more comfort.

Monday, November 7, 2011


So I guess it's been a few weeks ago now I finally took some time off. 9 whole days as a matter of fact. 9 whole days off of work, and still got paid. It's been quite awhile since I've done that, and it felt good. I battled for months over where to go, who to see, etc. I ended up making a list of the places I wanted to go and the people I wanted to see and then realized few people have time off during the week to visit and also had to list how long it had been since I had seen each person. Then there was the weather to take into consideration, there are trips that can be done over the winter (since starting in January I will have 17 days of vacation/Paid Time Off to use on my whim. I ended up planning a trip to Michigan. The plan was to drive up on Friday and stay with LeighAnn over the weekend, then I splurged and got a great hotel room about an hour north from there right on the lake for the night, and then head through Michigan on Monday and stop and see a few people, have dinner at my favorite restaurant and then head to my parents for the remainder of the vacation. Things changed a bit because I went with the flow and just tried to enjoy as much time with people as I could.

The 6 hour drive wasn't as bad as I was thinking it could have been but I made it up there and no soon than I parked my car we were pretty much headed out to the bar to meet some of her friends. I had only met one of these friends before but they were a great group of people. We spent the evening having drinks at their favorite dive bar with a really cute waiter who wore an amazing pair of blue camo boxer briefs, how do I know you might ask? Well he showed us, it was just that kind of fun night. lol.

Saturday we met up with some more friends to watch the Michigan/Michigan State game at a sports bar by her house and much fun was had. That night we had the Zombie Apocalypse party. It's quite the conversation that has led to this party, but it went well. We had a brain shaped jello mold loaded with vodka, brain shaped rice crispy treats, and some really bad zombie movies. At the beginning of the party each person was given 2 bait cards. As we watched and critiqued the zombie movies and what the survivors were doing wrong, if someone said something stupid you gave them your bait card and at the end of the night whoever had the most bait cards was going to be our zombie bait so the rest of us could get away.

Well needless to say, 1 simple comment and I got like 12 bait cards at once. All I said was "Hey, that zombie's pretty cute, could I keep him tied up as my pet?" I mean really if he's tied up what harm could come to anyone in the compound? Yeah, I guess I deserved them, but we laughed so hard all night long. She has some pretty amazing and very cute friends, yes I may have flirted a bit, but it wasn't going to get me anywhere so it was harmless.

Sunday she treated me to her famous New Mexico style enchiladas that she used to make me when we were in college, I love them and hadn't had one in so long. It was amazing. Throughout the weekend we decided that I would head north for the night and then come back and pick her up and we would go to Detroit together and make it a road trip as it was also her favorite restaurant. I knew it would be a ton more fun driving to Detroit if I had company, especially her and I.

So Sunday I was in Muskegon, Michigan. The hotel was beautiful, the room was great, but there is NOTHING in Muskegon, NOTHING. It didn't matter much I had a king suite with a jacuzzi, so I didn't need to leave the room. I enjoyed some much needed me time and some great naked hot tubing gazing out over the lake as I sipped on my beverage. It was very relaxing and well worth the money, which was an amazing discount since it was off season.

Monday and I went and picked her back up and we drove to Detroit and got to eat at our favorite place, and even took two to go orders back with us, two a piece. lol. We drove by some of our old favorites, we walked through campus which was so creepy to me, it's so different and while it sometimes feels like yesterday was creepy to realize I graduated from there 9 years ago already. Oh but we had some laughs. On the way back to her place (2 1/2 hours away) we stopped and saw an old friend of mine and had dinner with her between classes and had a good time and then headed back to GR.

I had planned on heading to my parents but our road trip conversations had just hit an ultimate depth level and I wasn't ready to leave so I decided to stay another night. We hung out with her friend Cara for awhile and then I finally fell asleep. Tuesday I drove to my parents and spent the rest of the week/weekend catching up with so many people and running around like crazy from place to place trying to cram in as much as I could in 5 days. I did pretty good and didn't get any messages from people upset that I wasn't visiting them, of course I think they got the hint last time. I have priorities when I visit the old home front, my family and those that think enough of me to call/text/email/facebook with me in the year that I had been gone. I realized over the last year I had too many "friendships" that were totally one sided and I just stopped worrying about them so much.

I had a great vacation, so much laughing and catching up with people. I even hit up the club on Tuesday night with some of the old club goers and had a dragalicious night as always. I did realize though that I enjoy my time off more if I'm with people. While I enjoyed my time in Muskegon just relaxing and doing nothing, I had really wished I had brought people with me. I get bored pretty easily now if there isn't something to be done, but I managed o.k and learned that for next time.

I felt bad for the directions I wasn't able to go this time, but there are just so many people that I care about and care about me in all different directions, it's so difficult to manage a trip to them all in such a short time. I plan on extended weekends all throughout next year to hit up those that I missed, because I really did/do miss them. You know who you are.

I will probably not do another 9 days stretch again as it really screws up my paycheck, no third shift premium, no overtime, it was just not good, but I don't regret it, I just learned from it and enjoyed it all the same.

There was an interesting conversation that I heard at my parents when I was there, though that is tomorrow's blog post, that little morsel I've been chewing on and processing since.

Anytime anyone wants to have a Zombie apocalypse party though, just let me know because it was hilarious!!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I've said it once, I've said it twice....

Oh how I have some great posts just waiting to be written, I just don't make the time to actually sit at the computer to write them and it's so hard to type a post on my phone, but they are coming I promise!

Oh such good ones! There is vacation, a tid bit I've been chewing on and processing since vacation, the kitchen remodel, mind blowing television with strong subtexts, oh so many. Maybe with a teaser I'll make a little time to get them out of my head.

Soon, until then, I must sleep, although I've slept most of the last three days away, but that's besides the point.

Until then loves.

wow, since when am I british?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Photo Memories - Growing up

Seriously, how cute am I? That's me with my lawn mower, no I didn't sleep with it, it stayed outside, it was a lawn mower after all. I loved to pretend to mow the yard, I loved our yard. There was always so much to do. That patch of concrete was so random, there was the concrete path I am on that lead from the patio out to a square of concrete that you can see at the end of the path. We always assumed that the previous owners had a table or something out there, it was the middle of the yard and just never really made sense. Behind me there was a pipe in the ground where dad said there used to be a grill. It was so weird, but it fed into our imagination so much. We used it as home base in games, we used it as a garage for our bikes, a meeting place, and so many other things that I'm forgetting now as an adult. It was there for years and years until we finally removed it when we put the family room onto the back of the house and had to take it out.

The side you can see our sand box aka sand tractor tire. Throughout the years that things moved location several times depending on where dad put it to keep it out of the way of the mower. I loved the sand tire, my match box cars would be loaded with sand by the end of the summer and who knows what was all burried in it. Dad said it was a treasure hunt everytime he emptied it to move it. In the background is the swing set. We had a total of two swing sets, this one and the one that came when my sister came. We beat the ever loving crap out of that swing set. We would get the teater totter so high and eventually broke it off, the two seater swing on the left side we broke eventually too from rocking that thing so hard it finally sheared off the bolts. Oh we spent so many hours on that thing.

The thing that struck me the most as I found this picture was the activity going on around me. Kids playing games behind me, adults all over the place, and was typical for me, pushing around my mower and just playing off by myself. I got along with other kids, but I often didn't feel included in anything so I often just removed myself and did my own thing. Even being very young I didn't want someone to include me because they had to, or because they felt bad for me so at those times I would just wonder off, not to be missed and went and played by myself off to the side.

When I started to think about it I realized just how often this happened. It happened all through my childhood, even when I was a part of team sports. I never got into team sports because it never felt like a team, I always felt like it was them and then me. I played soccer for a year, I tried and tried and was an o.k. player but the other kids would hardly know my name, or wouldn't kick to me, or even look in my direction even though I was open and had a good kick. At breaks everyone would go get water or huddle together without me, I was always two steps behind and eventually I gave up. I stopped trying to catch up to them and stopped caring about it and at that point the sport would end for me.

I even joined baseball, once again I wasn't the best but I tried and I tried hard. I listened to the coaches and any advice anyone would give me, I wanted to be good. Eventually I would hear comments from the other kids while I was batting or when I was in the dug out, I would get excluded from huddles, they would never throw the ball to me even though I was really good at catching and would end up in right field only if they had a strong first baseman. I was the fat kid people kept pushing around to non needed positions so I could feel like I was a part of the team without them needing me. At the end of the game if we won everyone would be together and celebrating and I would try to join in and would be pushed out of the group or into the back of the line so no one would have to associate with me, and eventually I gave up on that too.

I did have a year in minor league that I enjoyed for the most part. It was like a field team for little league. I had a great coach who saw how hard I was trying and spent time with me to teach me things to improve my game. I really thrived that year. I remember one of my last games I knocked the ball all the way to the fence in the outfield, just about a foot short of an automatic homerun and everyone was stunned. The coach was cheering me one and I ran, I ran as fast as I could to get around those bases, but I was a heavier child and I remember as I was nearly to third base hearing my team mates yelling at me to run faster, I got to third and the coach told me to stop because the ball was already back to the pitcher and if I tried for home they would have gotten me out. I remember trying to catch my breath waiting for the next batter and I was beaming, the coach was patting me on the back telling me what a great job I did and I heard my team mates complaining in the back ground that if I wasn't so fat I could have had a home run. I finished the last game or two and never went back.

Most of my life I've felt alone and it has run through into adult life. I have problem engaging in a crowd, I have a really hard time even considering team sports or teams or groups of any kind. They rarely ever go well for me, I always feel like the outsider. I felt like I was always just outside of everything watching everyone else live in the moment, support each other and be there for one another, while I would sit outside of the radar, by myself.

Even today I have a hard time asking anyone for help, for anything really. I don't ask people to help me with much of anything, I have this belief, based on years of experience, that no one will help anyway. I don't belong to groups because I'm never a part of them, I don't plan group activities because people don't show up. I keep trying to convince myself each time will be different, that it was years ago and I was just a kid, but those feelings are just so powerful. I try to not get emotionally attached when I am part of a group because I just know how it ends. It's the basis of some serious trust issues, confidence issues, and the reasoning behind not understanding group settings.

The pain of it all is that I long to be involved, I long to belong, I am envious of strong groups and want so badly to be a social butterfly. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe by singling out these feelings and starting to break down where these things stem from I can deal with it, understand it and move on, but I just don't know how.

Most of my life, I have dealt with it like this:

OH yeah, alone with my chocolate bunny at grandmas. It's funny, when I see myself sitting on that couch, still thin, I just want to take me aside and work with me on separating food from emotions because this was just the beginning of the slippery slope I found myself on since. I wonder what my life could have been like, how might have things been different, but at the same time I know I may not have ever known the people that I love so much and might have not had the same experiences that I've had and I may not appreciate life as much now if I had not gone through all those things. I just wish there were better tools for kids to learn how to deal with life and the things that life throws at you.

I love my life, I love the people in it now, I just sometimes wish that all those years would not have created such a build up of scar tissue on my heart because these people that I love so much could have had an easier time reaching me.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Photo Memories - Becoming attatched

Look at that child and tell me I was not the most adorable thing on the planet. Seriously, try it. I mean check out how awkward I was, the priceless expression on my face, my pot belly. How awkwardly wonderful.

This was my wheel barrel. I'm not sure why I loved it so much, but I really loved that wheel barrel. My grandparents on my dad side got it for me one year for Easter. My grandma loved to get us gifts for any holiday. Sometimes they were bigger gifts, and other times just random small things that always brought joy to me because they were from the heart. I never wanted anything material from my grandparents, I never expected anything from them, but gifts small and large were what my grandmother loved to do. She did not shower us with stuff all the time, but she certainly enjoyed giving.

So anyway, I got this thing and apparently my whole day, week, month was spent with this wheel barrel, my family thought it was the cutest thing ever. Don't believe me how much I loved this thing? My parents wanted photographic proof apparently to show me later in life, check it out.....

Yes, that is me sleeping with my wheel barrel. My mother said it was not there when she put us to bed, but when she came back later to check on us I had dragged it into bed with me.

It wasn't the last time I got attached to a material item. I find myself often getting attached to the most random things. Sometimes they actually have sentimental value that I can't seem to detach from the item itself. Sometimes the sentimental value is just so strong and causes such great emotions to that item. I often wish I could detach myself from everything physical, to be able to just let it all go. To often we get caught up in the chase of these material items we lose value on whatever is really important in life. It's different to everyone, sometimes it's the love of their family, quality time with friends, whatever it is to you. The chase to acquire these things clouds our vision, it clouds our judgement, and can end up changing our perspective.

I would love some new furniture, I would love a new computer, I would love to fill an entire room with movies, but do I need them? I've spent years working on devaluing material items in my life, some days it's easier than others. There are days I get so lost in anger or sadness because I can't afford to buy the "things" I really want and it takes me awhile, sometimes months to back away from it and realize it's nothing that I need. I sometimes lose sight at the fact that I have everything I need. It has helped in the past when I haven't had the money to buy much of anything for long periods of time to reevaluate things like that, but when I start making money again, it's like my mind goes straight back to valuing my life based on the things I own.

I think the hardest part of this life is finding value in who you are, not what you have to offer other people. I'm still working on it, how about you?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Photo Memories - Lost

This is me and Julio in Greenfield Village when I was two. I do not remember much about this trip except one thing, getting lost. My mom says that I managed to wander away in a crowd and away from the family in a split second like kids often do. It wasn't as big of a deal back then because that was before predators and pedophiles. lol. But like I said, I remember being lost.

I still remember that terrifying feeling of being alone, terrified as the crowd cleared and my family was no where to be found. I remember being at the end of a building, similar to this one and being completely alone and I was terrified. I'm sure my screaming and crying is how my mother found me, I could scream and cry with the best of them. I remember feeling the relief of seeing my family again, the warm hug after being found. That feeling is still inside of me. Now it's not always when there isn't anyone around, it sometimes happens in groups as well. Not as often as it used to, but the feeling is still there from time to time.

I still don't always like being alone, I still feel clingy in crowds of new people, I still feel like that child lost and looking for a familiar face. I find it odd that I still feel this way at times, isn't that something you grow out of? I've been working a lot on being alone, being o.k. in a crowd of strangers and trying to reach beyond my comfort zone to be able to talk to new people, to be able to be the first to speak to someone. I'd like to not feel like an obligation to the friends that take me places to stand or sit by me constantly to make sure I'm alright. No one has made me feel like that, but it's what it feels like to me, like I'm still that needy and clingy child. I don't like that part of me and I'm working hard at moving past it.

I'm not sure what that looks like in the real world, I can make it look right on the outside, but the hard part is getting rid of that feeling of panic inside in those situations, to allow myself the luxury of just being, no matter what the situation. It's a long road, slowly but surely I'm making my way down it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Photo Memories - Aunt Julie

Not every family is lucky enough to have an Aunt Julie, I was pretty lucky. She was young enough to have the time to give us, she was energetic enough to put the effort in, and she was genuine enough to give us something to believe in. That's me she's holding obviously, I guess it was one of the nights she was watching me and my parents came home to find us sleeping. I was not an easy baby, I was constantly sick, constant ear infections, and very, very clingy. It took some energy to watch me, ask anyone that did it. lol. It wasn't until I was school age that things got even slightly easier for my parents.

My mother said that as a child I used to sneak down stairs to their room at night after they moved me to my own room and would either crawl into bed with them or they would wake up and find me sleeping on the floor in the corner of their room. For awhile they gave up fighting it and put a fold away bed in the corner of their room for me. I told you I was a clingy child. Things haven't changed all that much for me. lol.

I mean seriously, how could you not love an aunt who wore footie pajamas too? And yes, she totally taught me how to dance. lol. I blame it all on her.

O.k. so we did wear her out from time to time, but even when she collapsed on the floor in exhaustion, we still played. We had some really great times. What is up with the curls on my head!? Seriously!

So anyway as Julie got older she started dating my now uncle Marv. From day one we latched on to him as he was just as fun as she was and seemed to take us in as if we were his own as well. Instead of losing our aunt Julie, we gained fun uncle Marv, who is still just as much fun today. Marv grew up in big family, but a different kind of big family. A family that just didn't treat each other very well, most of them don't speak today, and will verbally confirm that they don't speak and come up with some off the wall selfish reason as to why. Marv has tried countless times to mend fences, but both parties need to want to fix it before it can be fixed. Eventually he gave up. He always said he didn't need two big families, he had ours and that made up for the bad in his.

He was one us from the very beginning. Remember when I was talking about being clingy? Well that was really evident at their wedding. They had me be the ring bearer at their wedding, I got all dolled up in a new suit, got to carry the pillow with the rings and I was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. It is one of my earliest memories. I remember standing up at the front of the church, I remember one of the grooms men picking me up and holding me because I was getting restless and sitting on the church step was just not sufficient for me. lol.

At their wedding I remember wanting to spend time with Marv and Julie and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't let me. My parents kept pulling me back and keeping me from playing with my aunt and uncle. If I didn't remember and if I wasn't told all the time about this there is always photographic evidence......

That is me, tagging along during their first dance as a married couple. Usually the dance floor is empty except for the bride and groom as they dance to their wedding song, but that meant nothing to me, I walked right out and tugged on her dress and walked the dance floor with them. I mean seriously, clingy doesn't seem to cover it.

SO, there we go. My aunt Julie.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Photo Memoris - family

So early in our family we were linked with another cousin. My family seemed to multiply in pairs and sometimes threes. Each of us on my mom's side has a cousin that is within a year or so in age. It's freaky and makes me think things I don't want to think about when it comes to family. lol. So here is two examples. Julio is the blonde kid on the left and Gretchen is the girl on the right. They are a little over a year apart. Then there is me next to Julio and my cousin Jason to the right of me. We were born about a week apart, one in New Jersey and me in Ohio.

Growing up our cousins were our friends, it's not to say we didn't all have friends outside of the family but our family used to get together a lot so it was always nice to be able to have your cousin by your side to play with. Jason and I were as close as we could be with so many miles between us, what helped in my case is that my cousin Andy who I've spoken about on here before was born less than a year later. When we were in Jersey or they were in Ohio it was always the three of us. We have many pictures together, some of which I'm sure will appear here as I get through these stacks of pictures.

Our families have always been close, we would celebrate each kids birthday with a family birthday party at who evers house, we would get together for nearly every holiday as most families, and sometimes we would just randomly gather. They are some of my favorite memories, all of us together. The older we got and the larger we grew the harder it became for everyone to gather under one roof, somehow we still manage, but these days it's so very rare to get everyone under the same roof at the same time. I don't think that has happened in nearly ten years. Grandma had hoped that when grandpa died it would happen, but sadly not everyone was able to make it back, even for her 80th birthday we were not all able to make it back. I made the funeral because I was able to, but I missed her birthday.

My cousins have spread themselves pretty far, there is still a vast majority of them living in and around Nappy, but I still have a cousin in Jersey, one in Cleveland, one just moved to Iowa, a few in Columbus, etc. It's been interesting to watch us all grow up into adults and see how the relationships change. Even amongst my aunts and uncles it seems to have changed, everyone ages and grows differently. They/ we all love each other but personalities were formed and some clash now. It seems the old we have all gotten the more we have started to separate into our own family units. I think much of this is how little time everyone gets to spend together with their own families and so we stick together in the large group to our own smaller groups.

I'm very thankful for this large family growing up and to be honest there are several members of this family I didn't grow to appreciate until I was an adult and I could actually see and respect them for more than just being an aunt or an uncle, but as a human being and a christian. They are all pretty amazing people, each with their own quirks, but if you know what they are and accept them for what/who they are, the relationship can continue to grow.

Good families are a pretty amazing thing, always there when you need them, and always there even if you don't need them. We have always been there to support one another, attend events that others are participating in, and just there to watch each other grow. Next year the last of my first cousins will be graduating, all 20 of us will be over the age of 18 and that's so weird to me, it's even stranger to watch the next generation begin to come around, there are now 6 great grandchildren. It's weird that I never imagined us all growing old and having children of our own, I don't know why, it just seemed to happen over night.

9 weddings for 8 grand children (my brother hogged two of those), 3 divorces (for 2 children, once again Julio hogging 2 of those), 6 next generation children, it just goes on and on. While I really love the people that my family have brought to the table (with the exception of Julio's first wife) and I love their children, I miss the simplicity of the old days. Of monthly gatherings with my extended family and the laughter we all shared over the years. It's still there, it's just not as simple as it used to be.

But then again, what is?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Photo Memories - Kitchen stuff

This is proof that my obsession with kitchen items goes all the way back! Granted I don't still chew on them.....for the most part. I could always be found as a child in that drawer constantly pulling out kitchen stuff, then after my sister was born and she started to get kitchen stuff I was all over that stuff like white on rice. Somewhere there is a picture of me a little older than this somewhere messing with my sister's toy kitchen. She could never even cook plastic food right, I always had to correct her.

What's funny is for years I never had any interest in cooking. I loved food obviously, but was never into cooking for myself. I tried a few dishes when I was growing up with my mom's help, but never really got into it until I moved out on my own the second time. The first time I was just too poor and busy to worry about cooking anything, but I'll cover that when the pictures from that time frame comes up.

I love to create and I guess that feeling has poured over into food. It also helps that after years in food service I just don't get into fast food all that much anymore. It wasn't until I bought the store and actually had people to cook for that I really started to play around in the kitchen. I had a huge beautiful kitchen when I sold the store, a kitchen that took me so long to get to. I will again someday have a big commercial type kitchen because of all the things in that building, I loved my kitchen. It rarely felt like work when I was in there, preparing deli salads, or making lunches for that year I did homemade lunches every day, fruit trays, deli trays, etc. I would spend time in there a lot. I had my t.v. mounted, the stereo hooked up, all that was missing was air conditioning. lol.

I love to put foods together and experiment with flavors and textures and colors. I love creating a home cooked meal and even more I love sharing that food with others. Growing up we had meals at the table, all together, good days or bad days, we shared them as a family around the table. I have seen families that don't have time to sit down and eat together, someone prepares something and leaves it on the stove for people to eat where and when they can or want. That was so not our house. Dinner time was dinner time. No phone calls were answered, no door bells answered, nothing but us and a dinner.

My mom hated cooking, her deal with my father was she would cook 5 nights a week and that was all. When she wanted to, she could really whip up a great meal but sometimes she made due with what we had and the time she had. We had some pretty bad meals, but we also had some really great ones. On Friday's we would eat out somewhere. It was usually some place cheap, but dang near every Friday we would go someplace and either actually shop for necessities, or just window shop and then if we were good we would stop somewhere to eat. Friday's were always my favorite day, it wasn't always about eating out, it was not knowing where we would be going that night, or what we would be doing. My parents liked to surprise us with stuff like that.

On Saturdays my mom would usually throw together something easy like grilled cheese, or a frozen pizza or something fun that we could eat off of paper plates and eat in the living room watching a movie or just general t.v. Eating in the living room was a pretty big deal in our house and it was special, and we treated it as such.

Sunday's was dad's day to cook. He was not much of a chef, but he did pretty well. Usually sloppy joes, or fried potatoes, or whatever he could think of. Hot dogs was always an easy fall back. lol. We used to, and still kind of do raze him when he cooks, he learned how to cook, he knew how to cook, but we were a very 50's household. Mom ran the inside and he ran the outside, it works for them. My mother used to get upset when someone would talk about "women's work" to her it wasn't, it was mother's work.

Food has always been a part of my life and I guess there are a lot of emotions tied into food and the consumption of it. There is probably something very wrong with that, but if it's done in a healthy way, there would be much less wrong with it. So I guess to me, food brings people together, whatever the gathering, there is always food, and people like the food aspect of it. It means they didn't have to cook it, it means they can just enjoy it. I enjoy making people happy, I enjoy cooking a good meal for people who appreciate a good homemade meal, it just makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, I love other people cooking for me too! lol.

So that's me, a kitchen junky. I collect gadgets and gizmos and appliances, some I use regularly, others once a year maybe, but I love them all!! I keep trying to expand my culinary skills and the flavors that I'm comfortable using. Slowly but surely I'll get there, I haven't had too many complaints so far. lol.

By the I cute or what?!?! ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Photo Memories-Pool Time!

It's summer time!!! We waz livin large in Nappy! Check out the awesome pool. We were so popular everyone came over to enjoy the pool, it was like lifestyles of the rich and famous up in there. Seriously though, this was big time for us, we used that pool to the last inch of its life. That's me being held by non other than my aunt Julie. That is my uncle Jon in the back of the pool with the dark hair, my brother Julio is the very blond kid reaching into the pool, and I'm not really sure who the other two kids are, I think the girl standing up is my cousin Kathy, she is about Derek's age, but I have NO idea who the other blonde kid is.

You can see all the diapers hanging on the clothes line behind the pool, back in the day when people still used cloth. The yard is looking kind of rough, but honestly I think there is something wrong with their yard because it has never really looked nice. No matter what my dad does to it, he just can't seem to get it right, it's either the soil or the trees in the yard, which amazingly there are none in this picture. Keep in mind they had just bought the house a year before this picture was taken.

I have always been a water bug, I loved being in the water, I still do for the most part. The only problem I have now is I get bored, I have a hard time relaxing, it's no secret. I do well if there are other people in the pool to talk to, but if I'm alone I can relax for about 10-15 minutes before I start thinking of the hundred different things I could be doing at that time, or the hundred different things I need to get to. I think there is something wrong with me. lol.

During the summers my parents would get season passes for us to the city pool, mom considered it a great babysitter. She would work from 8-11:30 then come home for lunch and then we would be ready and she would drop us off at the pool on her way back to work at 12:30. We would be on our own all day until she came back to pick us up at 3:15pm sharp. We spent nearly 3 hours every day (except rainy days) in the water, usually with our cousins. Oh the summers I spent at that pool. It's about one of the only places in that town I can remember only the good times, I know there had to have been some moments when it wasn't good, but my mind only lets me remember the good and I don't push it. From doing handstands, seeing how far you could swim underwater with a breath, just so many random games.

I love the feeling of weightlessness in the water, I feel so good. Somehow in all of that swimming every summer I never managed to lose any weight, no matter how active I was, it didn't seem to do anything for me.

But anyway, my aunt Julie was always around, always active in our lives and was always there for us. She was so much fun and knew how to play with kids because really, she was still a kid herself. She was the second youngest in my mom's family. My uncle Jon is the youngest, he's the one in the dark hair, he and Derek are only about 6 years apart I think. It's a strange dynamic, but it always worked for us.

You'll see a few more posts about my aunt Julie because she was in a lot of pictures as she has always been such a big part of my life.

Funny, I think two more kids in that pool and it would have busted at the seams. lol.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

10 things

There are a basic ten things everyone should know about their debit/credit cards and I thought I would share this little bit of knowledge with you.

1. You do not own your card, it is property of the issuing bank and can be taken back, turned off, or destroyed at any time. Overdraft too much? They can shut it down, making crazy charges that look like fraud? They can shut it down. Depositing empty envelopes in the ATM? They will shut it down. It may be your money but it is their card they are allowing you to use.

2. Your activity is monitored 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If we suspect someone has stolen your card, or if we think someone has counterfeited your card, we will shut it down. If this is going to be a problem, make sure your bank has all of your correct contact information because if we can't reach you, you have to wait until the bank is open to figure out why your card is not working.

3. Planning on traveling outside of the US? Take a moment and either call the bank, stop in at the bank or call your customer service department and let them know and they can note the account because if we don't see any signs of travel in your account activity, we're freezing the account, and besides that there are MANY countries in this world that unless the bank knows otherwise, your card will not work. There are entire countries blocked at the bank because of high fraud in those countries and if they don't add your card number to the exclusions list, you will not get your card to work. Oh and by the way? Contrary to popular belief, Canada IS a foreign country, and yes people of Texas, so is Mexico. Just because you can walk there doesn't mean it's not a separate country.

4. Plan ahead, fraud happens every day to everyone. Don't use your card online? Doesn't matter. Don't use the pin on your card? Doesn't matter. Fraud finds you. If you are traveling always have a second form of payment, you do not want to be stuck in another country when we shut down your card and have no other way to pay for anything.

5. If you are traveling inside of the US you're going to be o.k., if you plan on spending large amounts of money at your destination simply use your card at some point along the trip, it's not a necessity but it helps the detection specialist see you are traveling. Most smaller amounts will not alert the system unless you are in North Carolina and are a capital one customer, then you might have some issues.

6. Making a large purchase online completely out of the norm? You may receive a phone call to verify the purchase. Just expect it because we are looking out for your money as well as the bank's money. You are not held responsible for fraudulent charges but it can sometimes take up to 5 weeks to get your money bank depending on the bank, so if someone calls you to verify your charges, just be glad someone is watching out for you.

7. If you shop online and you find a deal that too good to be true? It probably is. Fraudsters are very good at creating fake websites, if they were not good at what they do, they wouldn't get away with it. Do some research before you order from websites you have never heard from before, or have never used before. A simple google search will tell you all you need to know about it. If you find a Northface jacket for $15 at christmas time, I wouldn't recommend ordering it, just ask the lady that went into Christmas missing $1800 and missed her mortgage payment.

8. The bank is not your enemy, they are not your friend either, but they are not your enemy. They are out to make money off of your money, it's no secret. Thanks to the US government there is now a cap on how much a bank can make off of a debit card transaction of something like 12 cents maximum per transaction. It cost the banks more than this to offer debit cards so they want us to shut more cards down at the slightest thought of fraud, so be prepared. If the gas pump doesn't take your card the first time, either go inside or find another pump because you swipe that thing more than twice and we will shut your card down. You might be amazed at the things that flag in our system, just use common least the people reading this blog I know have it, but still.

9. When it comes to your debit card, trust no one. Don't leave it laying around because a camera phone can capture the number and that's all they need. Don't lose it and think you'll look for it before calling the bank, if that sucker is not in your possession, call the bank and tell them you are looking for it, but that you don't have it. Most banks offer a temporary hold option for the card while you look, some up to 30 days. A lost or stolen card can empty an account in less than 10 minutes, a trip to a local store that sells gift cards and your car payment is going to be late that month. They are fast and they are good, sometimes they swipe it at a pump at the gas station to see if it's a good card and then get online and spend thousands before you even realize your card is not in your wallet/purse. In this day in age, take nothing for granted, that card is serious business and for the love of all that is good and holy......DON'T WRITE YOUR PIN NUMBER ON YOUR CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You would be amazed at the people that do that and then are upset because if we can't find a surveillance tape to prove it wasn't them, they are personally responsible for that money.

10. Last but not least, if you ever do get that phone call verifying a purchase and you are rushed and just say yes because you don't have time to have your card blocked, you will be legally held responsible for any and all money that is withdrawn or spent from your account. Fraudsters will sometimes use what we call test charges, a very small charge usually less than $5 and then return it right away so it would never appear on your statement, if we call and verify transactions like that and you just say yes to get off the phone, you just bought yourself a world of debt because within a week that card is going to be used in many foreign countries, or online somewhere enough to clear out your account and sometimes even more than that and you would be held accountable for any debt as well over draft fees that occur because of it. You can't fight it because we asked you about it and you said it was o.k. and it's pretty easy to track it back to those original test charges.

This isn't meant to scare you, well actually to a degree it is. People are often so flakey about their debit card because it's just a piece of plastic, but that piece of plastic can cause you months and months of stress and financial hardships. I have been in banking for less than a year and have heard countless horror stories about what happens. My sister had her card compromised because someone finally hacked into a system the bank used and pulled several hundred card numbers. Her bank offered her a temporary interest free loan until the paperwork was done, but this is not the case with all banks. Many banks make you wait up to 5 weeks while the paperwork gets done before they release any funds to you, can you afford to have your account emptied and wait 5 weeks to get any of it back?

Just think ahead and don't be stupid.

That is all.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Photo Memories

Ah yes, the day I arrived home from the hospital. Oh what a glorious day, the house was never the same again. That's my older brother there holding me, I've taken to calling him Julio thanks to Bethany. lol. He looks so happy to be that close to me doesn't he? It took another 21 years for him to smile that close to me again. lol. That's my grandma (mom's mom) to the left of me, beaming about her 5th grandchild in what would turn out to be a list of 20 grandkids. lol.

That picture was taken in our living room. That couch lasted about another 6 years at least and that afghan is still in my parents house somewhere, maybe the attic. I believe there is also a piece of that blanket in the attic too, but I'm not sure they were the same thing, my blankey might have been from something else, I'll have to ask my mother.

My brother and I had a rough time growing up with each other. We didn't get along very well as I'm sure most brothers don't. We fought like crazy and were two completely different people. We were complete opposites and went together like oil and water. He thrived on pushing all the right buttons pushing me into a terrifying rage most of the time. Sure you'll see him again in several more pictures all smiles, but it's probably because he had just really got under my skin. To be honest, he still can, but I have a better understanding now, some 34 years later.

We fought like that until the mid ninties when he had moved out and was getting married. It was then we started talking and visiting and getting along as adults. I'm amazed at how our relationship has grown and changed over the the last 16 years since then, how we've grown closer and have grown to appreciate the adults (eek! did I just say that?) that we have become. We've gone through our own stuff but in the last 6 or 7 years we've started to go through it together, we have formed this shall I dare to say friendship that I honestly didn't expect us to.

It's all these years later that I discover how much he watched out for me growing up, defending me to the bullies in the neighborhood and sticking up for me when I wasn't around. How he beat up a kid that used to harrass me when I was walking home from school, all this behind the scenes. He still doesn't tell me many stories about it, I hear these stories from the people from the old neighborhood. Stories from his friends and sometimes when I look back at different times and situations I can see things differently.

We just never appreciated each other at the time. My friends always thought he was more fun so they would go run around with him, but then I remember the times he included me in things when he didn't have to. I remember one summer night he and our cousin Tony decided to camp out in my dad's old tent in the back yard and asked me if I wanted to join them. I was all for it. That night we got no sleep. We waited until mom and dad finally passed out from exhaustion from yelling at us to keep it down out there because their bedroom window was open and could hear everything and we took off on foot through our neighborhood. We had a pretty quiet neighborhood, we walked all over that night and ended up at the Shell Gas station at the edge of the neighborhood somewhere around 6am to get pop. We had to get back before dad woke up so at that point we headed back.

Of course when dad got up and noticed our cups from Shell we got an ear full, but it was still so much fun. It's amazing how times have changed, I would never allow my kids (if I was ever tortured with any) to sleep in my back yard in that neighborhood these days. I think about how different things were then, we knew everyone in a five block radius and they all knew us, we were related to at least half the people that lived on our street and the manager at the shell station we frequented was one of my best friend's dad, and the store on the other end of the neighborhood (which I would buy years later) was owned by family. We couldn't get away with anything, and we rarely ever did.

Baseball behind Nick's house every day during the summer, football behind Jeff's house in the fall, kick ball at our house in the side yard, bike tag up and down the streets in a five block radius, trips down to Shell to sneak packs of garbage pail kids, hours in Tony's sand box building cities, sneaking down to the family store to buy some candy only to be ratted out by our cousins that ran the place later that day when Dad would go in for his beer and newspaper. We would jump our bikes on the ramp created by the storm sewer over at Neil's house, GI Joe or cops and robbers at Shawn's house, T.V. tag at Joel and Jennifer's house.

It all feels like a hundred years ago when I think of where everyone is today, and yet it can still feel like yesterday when I put myself back there mentally. I really did have a great childhood.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Photo Memories

Ah yes, another one from the day of my baptism. I apparently had changed into some more comfortable clothes for the party, I was a fashionista even then. Of course you'll notice, I'm once again sleeping. Being the life of the party is no easy task let me tell you.

The man holding me is my uncle Denny, my dad's brother. Yes, I used the term uncle, which is strange as this was probably the last time we were really close. I never really talked to my uncle Denny all that much but I had no bad feelings towards him either. He and my aunt Betty were not able to have children and I just don't think he ever got used to being around small children much, especially as we were growing up, but he did think of us. When he and my aunt Betty built their house they built a house slightly bigger than they needed for themselves because they knew if anything ever happened to my parents it was in the will that they were to raise us. They considered that as they built their house and aunt Betty even told us that.

Uncle Denny is just a quiet guy. I respected him because he always did what was right, wouldn't hurt a fly and always took a distant interest in us. It's just who he was and who he still is and I can relate. He and my dad are very similar in a lot of ways so I guess I always understood uncle Denny a little better than some. He was the kind of guy growing up that would stand in the doorway at christmas sipping his beer watching everything and randomly pull out a squirt gun and shoot one of us kids and just smile when we would try to figure out what had just happened. He is the type of guy that didn't smile much but when he did/ does you know he's up to something or was up to some kind of mischief. I talk to him if I see him, but neither of us go out of our way to make that happen, it's just how that side of the family is.

I felt bad for him when grandma died. They lived across the street from my grandparents and every day after work he would stop at grandmas house, have a seat in the garage and my grandma would come out, they would share a beer and chat. 5 days a week, it was a routine. That day he showed up and grandma didn't come out, he went in to check on her and was the one to find her on the bathroom floor. He was very close with grandma, she was a part of his daily life and I can't imagine how he felt at that moment. He got stuck in the middle during the aftermath, trying to not take sides between his brother and his sister, trying to stay as far away from the situation as possible.

This was particularly easy because the day of the viewing he had a minor heart attack and spent the next week in the hospital and was not able to attend the funeral service for his mother. I can't imagine the pain he was going through. He's better now and back to his old self, but it could not have been easy for him.

Aunt Betty was the peace maker in the family. She tried so hard to keep the family from falling apart at the seams. She was the one that broke up the screaming match between my dad's sister and my mom when things got heated one thanksgiving, yes, my quiet mother, in a screaming match. I still think I have never been more proud of her than that day she stood up to her. Betty was also the one that sent out birthday cards to us every year, the one that would make sure each time she saw each of us she would have a conversation with us individually, she was the one that wanted so badly to continue our family gatherings on the holidays, but she just wasn't strong enough to mend the holes in our family that had started so many years before.

Most of us tried, my brother and sister who were rarely talked to or even noticed by my dad's sister gave up the day grandma died. In their eyes, when grandma died, so did dad's side of the family, they were never treated very well in the last 10 years, when Linda divorced she seemed to have gotten bitter towards my father who's marriage was still together and strong. The first Easter after grandma died Linda decided to host the gathering and I was the only one of my siblings to say they would go. I didn't want to but I felt grandma asking me to so I did. It was weird and awkward, the dirty things my aunt did after grandma died were still very near the surface to my family, we had not yet reached forgiveness so it was tough to begin with but we pushed through, and then at dinner, things fell apart.

We sat down to eat at the table, we didn't notice at first because it was covered in cloth and we might not have noticed had it not been brought up, but my aunt asked us to all notice we were once again seated at the same table that we sat at in grandmas house. It was like a knife straight to our hearts. This, the table that started it all. I guess in order to understand I need to tell the story, hope this isn't too long for you guys.....

The year my grandparents were to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary, or was it 25th? I don't remember the exact year, but it was a parents were in a tough spot financially. They had three kids at home and my father had just gotten laid off after many years at the factory. Money was tight so they didn't know what they would do for a gift. Well several years before my grandma was at an auction and fell in love with this old beat up dining room table that reminded her of when she was growing up, she got it cheap and put it in the barn to store until grandpa could refinish it for her. Well grandpa was never one to actually fix much from the barn, once it was in there, it was just decoration. lol. My father went and got the table from the barn and brought to our house where he spent the next 6 months working on it. He stripped it down to the bare wood, fixed all that needed fixed and put his heart and soul into that table. He said he had never seen grandma so happy as when he brought it back to the house and showed it to her. It was her pride and joy, and it really was beautiful, she sat at that table for hours everyday, if she wasn't in her recliner, she was in her chair at the table. My grandmother being who she was always told my father that when she was gone she wanted him to have it back.

Well my grandmother had a list of her favorite things, and beside each item she had a name of either one of her children, their spouse, or us grandkids. She didn't care about anything else in the house except what was on the list. She put a lot of thought into each item and to her, that was her legacy. We all knew of the list, we all knew where she kept the list because it was important to her that we were all aware of it. Well the day my grandmother died we all went to the house as people do to prepare for the coming events. My father being the oldest was put in charge of a lot. He went to get grandmas clothes and things for the funeral home and discovered that her favorite rings were missing. He asked my aunt and she said that grandma must have sold them because she hadn't seen them. Really? she wore each of them at least once a week. Dad was getting suspicious already.

The funeral came and went and it came time to talk about the estate. We all gathered at grandmas and the lawyer asked for the list, my father went to get the list and discovered it was no longer in its place. His sister then says suddenly that grandma hadn't kept the list there in quite some time and that she had the list that grandma had revised over the last year. She presented this list that had grandmas signature on it, but everything else was scratched out erased and had my aunt's handwriting all over it. She said grandma had been changing it. When the lawyer read off the list we discovered the table was suddenly going to my aunt, my sister no longer got the wedding band, she instead was to receive one of the end tables from the attic, my brother was no longer to receive my grandfathers army stuff, but instead the aluminum boat which he had purchased from my grandmother two years before and had at his house, I was no longer to receive the quilt from their wedding, instead I was to receive a writing desk my uncle designed that she had already given me well over a year before.

Somehow my father was to receive grandpas old tools (which were pretty much all gone by this point because grandpa had been gone for nearly 6 years), and my mother was to get the rocking chair in the attic. My aunt to was the get the table, the china and all jewelry, her son was to the get the antique china hutch (which never made it to his house, it too is in her dining room) and his army uniform, her middle daughter was to receive the silver candlesticks and the antique spinning wheel (which is in Lindas living room), her youngest daughter was to have the good silver and the antique dolls from the bedroom upstairs.

Now don't get me wrong, it's just stuff, it's just materialistic stuff, but it hurt, and hurt bad. From that point forward my dad's family changed, the family he thought he knew, just all changed. It has never been the same since. Like my mother says, it's not so much the table, my mother didn't like the table all that much anyway, it's what it meant, it was what happened in that very moment that destroyed my father. The table is just a table, but it's what it represented that created a chasm in the family that can never be crossed again.

That was the last Easter I ever spent with dad's family. My aunt Betty knew why we were quiet the rest of the day, she heard me tell my mother I would never set foot in that house again, and she heard the things my father said under his breath as we made our exit. Nearly ten years later and my father has only been back to her house once. It was my aunt Betty that called my parents and invited them and our family to Thanksgiving at her and Denny's house and it was because of that, that my parents accepted and I accepted as well. My siblings have not seen that side of the family since the auction at grandmas house just shy of nine years ago. I have been to thanksgiving a few times, Betty makes it tolerable. I have not been there in the past three or four years and I feel bad, only for Betty, because I know it hurts her like I'm sure it hurts grandma, but somethings can't be repaired.

I'm not sure when I'll see them again, my sister is still hurt and does not talk about it and will change the subject over and over again if someone brings it up. She has not been to grandmas grave since the burial, she drives out of her way to avoid driving anywhere near their homes. My brother is aloof to the whole situation, he acts as if he never even knew that dad had family. I, well I struggle with it often, but then again my grandma runs deep in my veins. My dad still tries to talk to his brother as often as he can and vise versa, he has even reached out to his sister and all the kids go out about three or four times a year to neutral ground for dinner, and my parents still manage to make it to thanksgiving at least every other year.

Wow, all that from a picture from my baptism. I'm not sure it's so good that those memories are all tied together, but I guess it's all a part of it. Things I treasure most from my grandparents are the pictures I have, the writing desk that my grandma went out of her way to get for me from Texas, that's another story, I treasure the memories I have of them because that's all that really matters. I miss my grandparents so much.

On the lighter side did you see the killer Hi-Fi system my dad had in our rec room? Check out that Pioneer reciever (that can still be found in the garage at my parents still playing polkas every Sunday). I'm not sure what ever happened to that pinball machine, I don't remember it growing up, which can only mean one brother broke it before I was old enough to play with it. lol.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


O.K. so I can't post it on Facebook because the announcement at work has not been made, but I am not the one that got the supervisor position. I'm o.k. with it, I really am, I thought it was a shot in the dark anyway and I don't regret going for it. All this means is that this position is not right for me, at this time. In a company that is growing by leaps and bounds (we hired over 80 people this month) there will be plenty of opportunities and I'm o.k. waiting it out right now. I'm a little disappointed that I won't have the nice pay check, but it's really o.k. My boss's boss met with me in person to let me know and told me that I will make a great supervisor and she has no doubt in my abilities, she just had a candidate that had 8 years of actual fraud supervisory experience with a specialty in one of the systems that we actually use, and also had a great personality so she had to choose her.

I told her I was o.k with that, I have been on both sides of the table and know that if someone with more qualifications comes along that's the choice you have to make. I'm not upset about it, I told her I just don't like to live thinking "what if I had tried for it" and any other "what ifs" and she seemed pretty shocked by that. I think she was shocked how easy it was to let me down. I thanked her for telling me in person and looked forward to trying for another position at another time.

What I did learn throughout this process is that inside of me is this voice, this voice that advocates for me and believes in my abilities. A voice that is confident and speaks from the heart about what I believe and who I am. This crazy voice that has been trampled on for so many years, stuffed away into a deep far away place of my mind. It totally reappeared when I needed it and it shocked me but filled me with something I hadn't felt in a long time, belief in myself.

I like my job, sure it gets boring some nights, sure the pay isn't the greatest, but it's certainly a ton more than I have been making in recent years. lol. I enjoy most of my coworkers and I like the company I work for, what else can one person want? Bigger opportunities are on the horizon and one of them will be right for me, and I'll be ready. Good things are yet to come. :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Photo Memories

So I decided to finally get started on a little project I have been thinking about. I'm pulling photos from my past and going to do a post on them. We'll see how long I can keep this up, but I think it could be fun, I love old photos, well before I hit that awkward stage in my know around the age of 5-present. lol. So here we go, hope you enjoy!

The year was 1977, it was a warm spring day....well I don't really know what kind of day it was, but anyway I was born and here is a picture of my on the day I was baptized. I had three official sponsors, two of which are seen in this picture. The one on the left is my dad's sister Linda and the one of the right is my aunt Julie. Oh and that little cute adorable want to hug and him and squeeze him baby in Julie's arms? Yeah, that would be me. Not much has changed really right? :) My third sponsor who is not pictured is my aunt Bonnie who was not able to make the trip from New Jersey that weekend, but since I didn't really remember the day, I guess it wasn't too important. lol.

I don't remember that day, as you can see I slept through most of it, much like years of my adult life. I could probably go on and on about how that day changed my life, but really as a baby, it was another day, the only thing different was the man that put the water on my head and the party after wards. I didn't fully appreciate being baptized in my life until much later in life, I would never downplay it's importance in my life, nor the impact of it today, it's just another post for another day.

The fashion of the seventies leaves something to be desired does it not? My aunt Linda looks so happy in this picture, I don't know what happened to that happy aunt, somewhere in her life, her rough marriage and her bitter divorce we drifted apart, there wasn't far to go since we were never really close anyway, but in the present tense I use the term "my father's sister" because of some bad things that happened after Grandma died. I have since forgiven her, but I do not forget or make mistakes like that again. Once again, another post for another day....or maybe I've already posted about it. Eh, who knows.

My aunt Julie is still as happy as she was in that picture. My aunt Julie didn't live to far from our house, she would baby sit us, she would spend the weekend with us, take us all over the place and would just have so much fun with us. She was and still is a big part of my life, she has a zest in life that is hard to match but an infectious laugh and smile. Knowing her as an adult is just as much fun as knowing her as a child.

The patio in the background is pretty the same as it is today except the door in the picture is now part of the family room and the window is now the door. It shows the years of wear and tear more than the two adults in the picture do. We used to spend an awful lot of time on that patio. Our house was on the smaller side so inside parties were never fun so we always had them on the patio. Even when there wasn't parties we kids would spend our time out there, we would bar-b-que there, we would swing on the swing, take naps and just live life out there.

Dad said when they bought the house the patio was not there, there was a giant tree stump where the swing is in the picture and it took him nearly two years to get it out of the ground. I wouldn't know because that patio was poured the year before this picture was taken so I wasn't around. The fact of the matter is, things change, people change. Some for the better, some not so much, but things change, constantly. The question is, do you change with them? Do you fight the change to stay the same and complain about how everyone around you has changed? Is it really change or is it growth? Growth happens with change, you learn from your mistakes, you learn from your victories, you learn who is with you, and eventually you learn who is really against you.

My life is nothing like it used to be and yet sometimes, it feels the same, but the same of the good way. I still find comfort in that old patio, I still find comfort in the faces in the picture, even after all that has happened between us I didn't know any better at that time, when her life changed, she chose to change with it and perhaps to someone closer to her it was for the better, perhaps we were never meant to be a close knit family with my dad's side, I don't know, but that's what it is. I wish her no ill will, I hope someday she can find that smile that she has in that picture again. I hope my aunt Julie continues to change in her life and yet continue to hold on to that smile and zest for life, and I hope I can continue to change with life, roll with the punches and keep coming out on top.

It amazes me at times that this picture was taken 34 years ago, where has the time gone? I look at myself asleep and at peace with the world and think, wow, you have no idea what you are instore for. The good the bad the crazy, it's all so wild, and then I wonder, what will I think 34 years from now looking back at this very moment?

If the next 34 years are as great as the first, I can't wait, well I can because I'll be pushing 70, I'll go as slow as I can, but these last 34 just seems to have flown by. All I can say is Thank you to God for this life, for the people that were a part of it so far and those that will be a part of it in the future. All in all I have been blessed and continue to be blessed every day.

Monday, August 1, 2011

A Firm Belief

It is a firm belief of mine that if you are having construction done and intrupting my lunch hour, the least you can do is hire some hunk construction workers to make it worth my while. I mean really! How rude. Lol.

The kitchen remodel has begun and it is already making me crazy. I just spent half my lunch figuring out the lumber I have to pick up in the morning. Not to mention the countless moments I've spent pondering the electrical situation, the plumbing situation, the flooring situation and the cabinet situation.

On top of all this I have to figure out the situation happening in my mouth and the legal and financial situations because of that. I also need to plan a menu for the weekend for my family visiting while we have no kitchen.

I realize this is not really my house to stress over, but can I cry too? I am living there and doing most of the construction myself......oh, and I'm working ten hour days.

I know the lord only puts on us what we can handle, but man my shoulders are getting heavy. Pray for my sanity over the next thirty days.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Survey Time! Grab a seat, it's a long one!

Birthday: April 26

Where were you born: Bowling Green, Ohio

Zodiac sign: I am grandfathered into the Taurus sign

Height: 6'-1"

Weight: Less than I was, more than I want to be.

Hair color: dark brown, sometimes lighter brown, depends on how much time I spend in the sun.

Eye color: Blue

Shoe size: 12 wide

Ring size: Which finger? I range from 8 to 13, just depends on what finger I'm shopping for.

Skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): farmers tan, well light side of tan. lol.

Blood type: Hard to believe, but I have NO idea. I know it's probably not a good thing, but I figure if they need to know they will test it.

College: I went to University of Toledo for two years and then took a year off and ended up graduating from Lawrence Technological University

GPA: 3.25 at graduation.

siblings: 1 older brother and 1 younger sister.

tattoos: I'm still searching for the right one, and the right location.

piercings: always wanted my ear cartilage pierced but probably won't ever do it.

hobbies: I don't allow myself too many hobbies, I have some I don't do a lot like stained glass, or playing around with design. I spend most of my time recently working on self teaching lots of home improvement skills and working to improve them.

color: I love the color blue, but have recently been having a secret love affair with orange. Don't tell blue.

food: I love many types, I find it hard to pick just one. Mexican is pretty high on the list and so is Asian/Thai.

candy: eh, I can usually take it or leave it. I don't have a favorite, 5 years of selling candy and I got pretty tired of it.

type of cheese: Cheese is my favorite cheese, cheddar, mozzarella, pepper-jack, Havarti, smoked Gouda, etc. I love cheese.

pizza topping: sausage and onion

salad dressing: French/ Catalina

sandwich: Turkey and whatever I'm feeling like at the moment, sometimes it's just cheese and turkey, sometimes there are pepper slices, sometimes veggies, etc.

cereal: I miss cereal, Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Reeses P.B. cup.

fruit: I love honey dew, but don't eat much fruit because of acid reflux

vegetable: I love so many of them, asparagus, zucchini, squash, etc. I wish I enjoyed them this much when I was younger!

berry: strawberries are the only berries I enjoy, the rest can rot.

cake: carrot cake or spice cake in reverse order

book: I've got a few but don't really keep track of titles or authors, I own them and never let them go. lol. I did LOVE the Left Behind Series.

movie: Back to the Future Trilogy, Transformers, Scary Movies, and the list could seriously go on and on and on.

magazine: Home improvement or home design magazines, there are many.

newspaper: Do they still print newspapers?

tv show: There are so many that have been taken off the air, Desperate Housewives, Biggest Loser, and back when I had cable: House Hunters, Income Property, Real Housewives of New York/ New Jersey/ Atlanta.

website: facebook, blogger, Amazon, google ( I google nearly everything)

radio station: Still searching for some I enjoy, right now 102fm

font: whatever I'm feeling for the moment, or whatever is already set up.

cartoon character: Brian from Family Guy

artist (painter): Salvador Dahli

actor: Tom Hanks, Jim Carey, and many more.

actress: Queen Latiffa, and several others who names are escaping me at the moment

cd: what is this C.D. you speak of? Why not just ask what LP is my favorite! Currently Lady Gaga's newest album. Yes you music snobs, roll your eyes because I don't care.

song: "Runaway Train" by Soul Assylum, "What About Me" by Moving Pictures, etc.

Music group: Whoever floats my boat on any given day, Currently Maroon 5 is floating my boat.

music type: anything but gansta rap

day of the week: Depends on what day I have off. lol.

month: April, because of my birthday and because that's when Spring really starts to grab hold.

season: Spring I love it when things come to life and the bleakness of winter finally fades away.

holiday: Christmas although the last several years I have had a hard time really getting into it, I'm going to really try this year though.

shampoo: Either Head and Shoulders or the generic equivalent. Anything else and my head is buggin something awful.

conditioner: Can't use it, bad reactions to every conditioner that has touched my hair.

number: 7, I don't know why, just because.

phrase: Don't Dig too deep, you might get burnt by the molten lava!

store: Target

weather: between 70 and 85.

restaurant: BD's Mongolian Bar B Que, Tea Tree.

channel: HGTV

teacher: of all time? Patricia Wray or Gordon Bugbee

weekend activity: Wow, it's making me feel pretty sad, I work on the house. lol.

hangout: the patio

house color: depends on the house, the neighborhood, the year, etc.

sport to watch: Live? any. T.V.? none.

sport to play: I miss kick ball. lol.

animal: Giraffe, they intrigue me.

flower: I don't have a favorite, I'm not into flowers at all.

guy's name: Devin

girl's name: Dehlila

board game: Game of Life

party game: Spin the bottle! Wait, what? lol. Beer Pong is always fun.

story from childhood: Frog and Toad stories

body part: on me? wow, getting kind of personal aren't you?

have you ever

been on a train: yes from Ohio to New Jersey and back, it wasn't all pleasant, I was sick the entire ride home.

been on a plane: yes, I love flying!

been in a car accident: a couple of them, one or two as the driver and one as the passenger.

caused a car accident: according to the insurance company? Yes, according to the law? No. It's a long story. lol.

run into a wall: of course, who hasn't?

burned a potato chip: yes, with a lighter because I was bored.

almost burned the house down: define "almost" could it be defined as "could have"? If so then yes.

smoked: yes. A part of me wants to quit and the rest of me doesn't.

been drunk: who me? Never! I also never use sarcasm.

been high: I guess you could call it that, it wasn't anything that appealed to me.

broken the law: which law, are we talking about a specific law? If we are talking in general, then yes, a few of them.

burned a cd: maybe once or twice, who's asking?

kissed someone of the opposite sex: yes

kissed someone of the same sex: yes

frenched an animal: um, what? Who says yes to this? Ew.

made out: once or twice. :)

had cyber sex: Do you really want to know? It was the nineties, everyone was doing it.

gotten engaged: no thank goodness it ended before it came to that.

had an online relationship: kind of, not really, eh, not sure. lol.

been rejected by a crush: yes, all of them so far.

loved: yes, both romantically and in friendship

made yourself cry to get out of trouble: um no, not at all.

cried in public: yes, but it was a funeral

cried over a movie: yes, I'll admit it, a few of them actually.

fallen asleep in a movie theater: yes, several times, I've taken some pretty expensive naps in my day.

given someone a bath: no, can't say that I have.

been to a boarding school: Nope, although I'm sure my parents wanted to at times. lol.

been home-schooled: I was schooled at home about a lot of things.

lost a valuable item: yes, why have you see it? Where is it? Why are you keeping it from me? WHY!!!

bungee jumped: Someday. there are weight restrictions.

skied: water? no, snow? no. lol. Guess it doesn't make a difference, it doesn't really appeal to me either.

met the president: no, wouldn't care to anyway.

met a celebrity: met? no, came face to face with? yes.

gotten a cavity: yes, several and a root canal too, oh and need a second one on the same tooth!

shopped at abercrombie & fitch: nope, but I've gone in to drool over the help though.

made a prank call: oh yes, a few of them actually, that was before caller I.D.

skipped school: maybe, who's asking? lol. Once or twice my senior year.

faked sick to get out of school: oh yeah, from elementary school through high school.

purchased something that you knew didn't fit: no, why would I spend money on something that wouldn't fit?

climbed a tree: those were the days, I don't think I can anymore, but I used to climb with the best of them.

fallen from a tree: nope, not even once. A roof? that's a different story.

broken a bone: my toe, but it was undiagnosed so I can't say for sure.

sprained anything: my brain doing this survey!

passed out: um, not that I can recall. lol. Of course I have heard some stories, so maybe? I just thought I was really tired. :)

made yourself pass out: no, not sure how I would do that exactly.

been to disney world: yes, it was a great trip filled with lots of high school drama.

been to a theme park (not disney): oh yes, I love them.

said i love you and meant it (not to a relative): yes, but not in the way the other party was hoping.

made a model volcano (working model): a few times a year I clean out my bathroom drain using the supplies of a model volcano. It's a lot of fun.

made a clover leaf with your tongue: Um, how does one do that? With a tongue that talented I might need a number........just sayin.

what did you do yesterday: I worked from midnight to 8am, then worked on the rewiring the kitchen from 8:30am-6pm, then I made a sandwich, plotted out the next day's work and was in bed asleep by 9pm. Passed.out.cold.

memory you miss the most: fun Friday mornings with Free going who knows where doing who knows what. Sometimes it was a coffee shop in Toledo, sometimes it was the bar, I just really miss those times.

memory you want to forget: about 40% of high school would cover this.

something you regretted after it was done: my last relationship, I actually regretted it from day one, but at the same time it was that relationship that led to some pretty big psychological steps, so maybe I shouldn't regret it.

the last
song you heard: Misery - Maroon 5

cd you bought: Worship CD from church

thing you said: Stop crying Gertrude, I'm right in front of you.

time you cried: a couple of days ago when I watched the Lost finale again. I can't believe I admitted to that.

movie seen in a theater: Transformers 3

thing you ate: A Rolo McFlurry from McDonalds. Don't look at me like that, I worked hard today.

person who called: My roommate

nail polish shade worn: fuscia, I like it no matter what you say.

time you showered: what day is this?

person who complimented you: My roommate, she's always saying nice things, eventually she'll figure it out. lol.

what are you listening to: Spiderman

what are you wearing: nothing but a smile..........................and a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

what are you thinking: that I bit off more than I could chew with this survey, this is my third time working on it. lol.

what are you scared of most: failing

how many people are on your buddy list: What's a "buddy list"? Is it one of those chat things? I don't use them, too much drama and stress. I used to use g-chat and sometimes still will, it's a chat program but the people I talk to don't stress me out.

occupation: I don't really know, I like to be the boss, just not my own. Something that makes me a comfortable living and something I can enjoy. I'm not asking for much huh?

marriage site: If it's ever legal, I would love to get married on the beach somewhere tropical.

honeymoon: an island somewhere

place to live: I'm happy wherever there is water, a river, a lake, an ocean, whatever.

kids: no thanks, I'd rather spoil the children of friends.

car: I'm really digging my CRV right now. Not into flashy cars.

what are you doing tomorrow: removing a ceiling fan, taking down some trim and a few other minor things, then going back to bed because I work at 9pm tomorrow night.

do you think Obama will be reelected? I doubt it, but I say that with the hope that the Republican party will get it's head out of it's a#$ and come up with a candidate worth voting for.

will there be a wwIII: without a doubt, I just hope it's not in my life time, but it will happen eventually, the hate people carry around with them so much will eventually boil over and bad things will happen world wide.

will politics ever be truthful: have they ever been?

will humanity snuff itself out: I don't believe so. it will probably snuff a lot of people out, but not the entirety. God will do that when he comes back.

can the gov. be changed: yes but it requires the masses to start thinking for themselves and fending for themselves and taking person responsibility, then the revolution can begin against them.

best friend: This is a slippery slope I do not chance so I will make this answer....You :)

funniest: You

silliest: oh, that would totally be you.

loudest: You again! You are on a roll!

quietest: you, in certain situations at least! lol.

craziest: Once again, I would have to go with you.

calmest: On calm days I would say you, otherwise I'd have to say not you.

skinniest: You!! :)

best secret keeper: you

worst secret keeper: They wouldn't be reading this blog at this point now would they? :)

the one you have but don't want: That's so not you, if I didn't want you, I wouldn't have you. Who "has" people anyway? Are we all just property? I don't remember there being a bar code on my butt.....................if you know me at all, you'll realize I'm ending this here because it's down hill from here.

smartest: That would totally be you!......except why are you still reading this? I might have to take this title away from you.

seriously, you're still reading.........

preppiest: I like to picture all my friends as the preps at Bayside, it makes me giggle inside.

most hyper: You know there is one in every group and if you look at your group and don't see someone that fits, then it's probably you..............but only when I've been drinking.....and exposed to Techno music.

hottest: You are smokin!!!

weirdest: Sorry, I may have to take the title in my own group of friends here, although there is that thing that you do, you know when you...............................gross, you get to keep this title too.

biggest pervert: me. I can out perv anyone, anytime. I will perv you under the table..........wait, I totally can't go on with this...........................This is why I can't give this title away.

most annoying: annoying and friends don't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same category. If you're annoying (and sober) I am so unfriending you on facebook.

shyest: you are.......when you want to be.

do you believe in
heaven: Yes, I heard they don't have check books there, it sounds.....well......heavenly! Wait, I also had a Polka band tell me that "In Heaven, there is no beer, that's why we drink it here" Hmmm, it doesn't mention vodka, I should be good. ;) (I promise I'm joking, don't make me take those previous titles away from you!)

hell: It's called high school, oh and I guess it's also an unholy place. Why wouldn't I want to spend an eternity with my Creator?

angels: Yes, but probably not quite like depicted in art and such.

devil: My old boss? No, even he had some redeeming qualities, not many, but some.

God: yes, and I capitalized it too because I studied "gods" in mythology, but I believe in God.

buddha: eh, why not? Why can't there be more than one answer? Who says they aren't just different versions of the same answer? Who says they can't all be a part of it?

aliens: I prefer to live in blissful ignorance on this subject.......unless there is a good movie about them.

ghosts: kind of, I have heard lots of good and bad theories on this subject. I think they are out there, but I'm not sure in what capacity and why, I just know my grandfather was there that day, I couldn't see him, but I felt him and no one can convince me otherwise.

spirit (soul): Yes, I believe everyone has a soul, have you never seen Dead Like Me? Sheesh, it was on t.v. it has to be real.......right?

soulmates: yes, I believe there are soulmates, I don't believe they always meet and fall in love, but I do believe there are soulmates for all of us.

reincarnation: In my PERSONAL beliefs I think sometimes it's offered as an option after death.

love at first sight: Yes, but it's not always the romantic love, there is friendship love at first sight too.

karma: no, sometimes I say I do, but really people are just looking to point the finger at something else for a bad situation.

love in general: yes, I hope someday I get the opportunity to feel it romantically for another person. I love my family, I love my friends and if that's all I ever get? Well I'm o.k. with that because there is no lacking happening there.

luck: luck is what you make it. Sometimes, Sh#$ just happens.

yourself: rarely. No matter what the situation I usually think I'm wrong, but I'm getting better at this, really I am, I'm learning to advocate for myself, it's so awkwardly amazing.

who and when was your first crush: Honestly? His name was Scott, I'm not sure I would ever remember his last name, I mean really it was like in third grade and it was the last year he lived in Nappy. I didn't realize it at the time what those feelings were, but I know now.

any now: non realistic, and I think lust has more to do with it than anything.

a celebrity crush: Ryan Reynolds - oh yeah Genia! I've also been crushing really badly on Adam Levine from Maroon 5 lately.

who do you want to be with right now: What do you mean? Like watching a movie? Playing a board game? Drinking? In bed? Having dinner? Solving complicated math equations? You should be a little more specific.

whos number do you want: number? Is this about that bar code thing again? Oh, did you mean a "phone" number? I don't really use them all that much, message me on Facebook all sexy like instead.

who do you want to kiss: I'm not all that picky, let the form line to the left while I get some chap stick. :)

what is something you don't understand about the opposite sex: How can you seriously lose so much stuff in that purse of yours? It's only so big, how much crap do you keep in there that you can't find your keys? Or your wallet? Or your camera? Or your sandwich? (you do keep sandwiches in there right?) The only person that could have an excuse would be Marry Poppins, or Hermine from Harry Potter, but you know, they always seemed to know exactly where the hat stands and magical swords were at. Hmm.......

if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: I'm not picky, that line can form on the right, the only requirements is that you should be smart and be able to form complete sentences and not be chewing gum or

Did you get that? If you didn't please don't get in that line on the right, you would never understand ANY of my jokes.

on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: ummmm...........8, now the question is: Is your standard one to ten as one is the best? or is ten the best? Guess you'd have to be in that line on the right to find out in my case. :)

first thing noticed about the opposite sex: their cute boyfriends. lol.
about the same sex? (at least in my case): it would depend, are they facing me? Or am I stalking them from the bushes outside their house? In the second case I guess I would still have to know if they are facing me. Alright, all kidding (yeah, totally kidding) aside I would say the face, it's kind of general but it all creates an impression, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, and more importantly the facial expressions. If they have a blank glazed over look on their face they go to the line on the left, NOT the right.

what do you look for personality-wise: if we "get" each other.

biggest turn on: confidence

biggest turn off: It's a three way tie (how dirty of me), 1.bad hygiene, 2. chewing with your mouth open, 3.being rude to others

something they wear that turns you on: a shirt to show off some broad strong shoulders.

something they wear that turns you off: clothes that don't fit, too small or too baggy.

the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: being whisked away to a tropical vacation by surprise.

the most romantic thing that has happened to you: I feel a little sad that I don't have an answer for this one, It's not to say there weren't romantic moments in my life, just honestly, nothing stands out to me. In my first relationship she didn't know enough about me no matter how much we talked or how long we knew each other, she just never really "got" me. The second one understood me more but was not a very romantic person, but she tried her own way, she just always ended up being pushy about it or sometimes was just down right offensive.

what do you wear on a coffee date: jeans and a casual button up shirt

is it right to flirt if you're taken: I hope so I flirt all the time, at least that's the way people perceive it. It has led to some pretty awkward situations and conversations.

is cyber sex cheating: totally and flirting can be too if the intentions are wrong.

are eyes the passegeway to the soul: For some people yes. You can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes, not in a creepy way, but ........ I don't know how to finish this one.

do you want to hug somebody right now: I could always use more hugs.

do you know what an aphrodisiac is: yes but it's all a state of mind, go ahead, prove me wrong.

one or the other
coke/pepsi: pepsi

sprite/7-up: 7-up, but prefer neither

boxers/briefs: I can't choose just one, in fact if I had written this survey there would be more options that just the usual "boxers or briefs" please, do you realize just how many styles of underwear are out there? I can tell you that the person who wrote this survey wears either plain white Hanes briefs or standard white boxers, perhaps they get crazy and buy a pair of colored underwear every few years, but doesn't really give any thought into this choice. Whoever wrote this is very uneducated in the world of underwear, yes I said an entire world.

gold/silver: silver all the way, I treat gold like I treat brass, and that is not good.

vanilla/chocolate: vanillla!

flowers/candy: candy, not a fan of flowers.

book/magazine: I guess if I had to choose I would have to say books.

tv/radio: depends on what's on either one. Sometimes t.v. sometimes radio.

glass half empty/half full: I like to think half full, but somedays I'm too busy trying to find the glass to begin with! lol.

democrat/republican: depends, are we going by the original definitions when the parties were created, or the definitions of the idiots today? I consider myself an "Old school republican" I'm not sure who those people are today and why they keep using our good name.

colored pencils/markers: depends, am I coloring something that requires shading? Blending? I mean I'm just not good with general questions.

coffee/tea: coffee, oh how I love thee.

sun/moon: I like them both.

day/night: I like these both as well.

hot/cold: food? hot, drinks? cold, weather? in between.

dog/cat: cat

button/zipper: depends on what we are putting them on, pants? zipper for most, but sometimes those button flies are sexy on the right person.

cotton/feather pillow: cotton, feather pillows are always stabbing me.

blue/purple: blue

plumber/trashman: uh, what? I can't answer this without knowing what about these two things am I considering?

jeans/shorts: I love shorts but feel more grown up in jeans.........I totally know that didn't make sense to the rest of you.

long distance relationship/none: long distance rarely ever works out.

mechanical/regular pencil: mechanical, I love me some mechanical pencil!

matt/ben: I'm confused once again, I mean can you post pictures at least?

that 70's show/simpsons: simpsons, it gets on my nerves less.

kelso/eric: I like the nerdiness Eric has going for him.

donna/jackie: Donna, she's a no nonsense kind of gal.

bart/lisa: I find lisa pretentious (I'm talking about cartoon characters, I mean really?)

romeo/juliet: they kill them selves in the end (sorry, should have said spoiler alert) there is no preference here.

romantic comedy/thriller: depends on my mood and the thriller.

nsync/bsb: whichever boys are cuter at the time.

peanut butter/jelly: if I have to choose one totally peanut butter

waffles/pancakes: they are both good, it would depend on my mood, oh and the chef.

letter/email: I miss letters, but email is so much easier for me since I type letters anyway.

florida/california: have never been to California so I can't say for sure.

pizza/burgers: can't choose, depends on what I feel like.

hat/visor: hat

football/rugby: rugby guys are cuter and don't annoy me as much as most football players.

iceskating/blading: I prefer to stay upright on my feet with less chances of cutting an artery if I fall.

movie at home/in theater: I love a good movie in a theater but prefer the cheapness of watching it at home.

first thing you think of when you hear

yellow: submarine

red lipstick: sleezy

socks: fuzzy

cowtipping: how did I get back here?

moulin rouge: over rated

greenland: Do people ever go there?

iceland: blocked a card for fraud happening there once.

harry potter: was surprisingly good, totally unexpected

red: nose

blackberry: no thanks berry

rose: Golden Girls

rooster: co*k. sorry but I know at least one person that reads this that would think the same know who you are.

taxes: necessary evil.

bill clinton: over rated

whipped cream: (you don't want me to type about my first thought to this, trust me.)

george w. bush: underrated, slightly, but underrated.

lollipops: haircuts, go ahead figure that one out.

dreams: ambition

love: unconditional

guys: sexy

south park: over 4 seasons ago.

boy bands: usually cute boys.

penguins: love, I heart penguins.

girls: ew.

thong: The Thong song!

death: awful


junk mail: that's all mail.

dairy: stomach ache, but sooo good.

panties: ew.

your father: amazing

pizza: yes please.

britney spears: who?

vitamin: C, I don't know why.

are you
happy: when I break it down and average it out, carry the two...............carry the one...........I would say yes with a remainder of oh yeah.

sad: at times for different reasons, if it wasn't for the sadness we couldn't appreciate the happiness.

religious: It's a work in progress.

bitchy: I try not to be, but sometimes it slips.

crazy: I would like a comparison at this point but I'm pretty sure it would be a yes, and I like it that way.

messy: sometimes, I can't lie.

mad: more than I show sometimes.

slacker: sometimes

nerd: compared to?

bookworm: no, not even a little.

jock: no

preppy: maybe in my head

selfish: more than I admit to myself sometimes.

giving: usually

obsessive: no........really I'm not. Why would you say I'm obsessive, what is it that has led you to believe this? You don't believe it do you? You keep shaking your head but I'm not believing it, you're just doing that to get me to shut up.

violent: I'm a lover not a fighter baby.

calm: in most situations

I'm still not obsessive........just so you know.

peaceful: mostly

mellow: a little less than I think.

eccentric: everyone should be once in awhile.

Seriously, did someone say something about me being obsessive? I swear you do this just to make me look obsessive, which I totally am not.

caring: most of the time, as long as you aren't bugging me.

untrustworthy: I think I'm pretty trust worthy.

loyal: yeah I could agree with this one.

patriotic: yeah, I do love this country even if we can't seem to find anyone to run it right (this is all branches of the government)

perverted: who me? o.k. yes, me. TOTALLY!! I just sometimes keep it inside my head. :)

colorful: I guess, depends on who you compare me too.

artistic: in most forms I find myself artistic, even if I can't produce it myself I can appreciate it.


what color is your jacket: I have a couple in the closet that I haven't seen in many months, I don't remember anymore.

do you shave: not as often as I should, but yes

where: face........that's all I'm answering, I promise.

Was it something I did to you personally that makes you think I'm obsessive? I mean if I did just tell me, it won't bother me at all, I promise, I like to learn from things like that because I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me.

what color is your razor: silver and black

what size is your bed: full, I want a king.............size bed you silly goose.

what color crayon would you be: burnt ciena.

feelings on abortion: too complicated, I talk myself into a contradiction eventually, then my eyes go cross I lose feelings in my feet and collapse, it's not pretty, it's fun, but not pretty.

how lond does it take you to shower: 5 mintues tops.

thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: I don't think about blondes any differently than any other hair color.......are you trying to insinuate that I'm obsessive over hair color? I mean really, can't I get through ten questions without you bringing that up again? It's starting to piss me off.

who do you trust the most: if you have the web address to this blog, it would be you.

is cussing a necessity in life: f#*k no it's not. sorry I couldn't resist. :)

how about coffee: yes, if all the coffee plants were to die tomorrow I'm pretty sure I would throw myself off of the tallest building in Cincinnati. (dramatic much?)

is the world screwed: no, there is always hope. We are just doomed to keep repeating the mistakes of the past because no one can admit they were mistakes.

what is something you cant live without: you

know what 69 means: it's an exit on 75 in Auburn Hills called Beaver Dam.............and no, I'm totally not joking.

how about 143: I guess I have no idea, normally I would cheat and google it, but I'm too lazy tonight.

I'm sorry about telling you that you are pissing me off, you really aren't, I just couldn't end it like that, I just really want you to know how NOT obsessive I am. I don't obsess about anything, not one single thing. Why are you rolling your eyes at that? Seriously, not a single thing do I obsess about, not one.

can you live without a microwave: I suppose I would adapt until I finally broke down and moved next to a nuclear power plant and just set my food outside on my window ledge for 30-45 seconds.

what do think about death: it's scary and filled with unknowns. I can't fight it but I can continue to hate it.

where and when do you want to be married: someplace tropical and when I find the right man, oh and when they make it legal in those tropical locations.

why is the sky blue: because my dad says so, at least that's the answer I used to get.

what is a good trait about yourself: I'm fun! (and totally not obsessive about anything.......seriously)

what do you always think about: at any given moment there are a random 25 things running around in my head that I can not concentrate on long enough to deal with and get over because one thought leads to another and to another and before I know it I'm thinking about what it would be like to be a penguin driving a car in Las Vegas. It's strange I know.......butt totally not obsessive.......what? just saying.

how do you react to change: oh, good question. Sometimes I handle it really well and get excited about it. Other times I curl up into a fetal position long enough to get build up the strength to take out entire cities. It's hit or miss with me. :)

do you talk to yourself: yes, I talk to myself all the time, but I NEVER answer myself......the voices do that for me. :)

what is your opinion on love: some people just don't appreciate it and aren't willing to put the work into it. Love will fade at times and some people just give up on it, or they misinterpret it a lot too. Sometimes love is friendship with another person and it can not handle the romantic aspects that are expected when people hear the word "love"

what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: if that ever happened in a serious situation I would totally get their number because that's once in a life time baby and they have to be just as crazy as I am. Don't question it, just go with it.

if you wrote a book, what would it be about: obsession and how I am not affected by it, not one little bit. Other than that it would probably be fiction I don't seem to find anything about my life interesting enough to write about it......that's why I posts surveys on my

longest crush lasted how long: I have crushes still from several years ago, some never really go away.

O.k. so now that the bloody survey is over we need to have a serious "coming to Jesus" meeting about this obsession thing. You have been obsessed about it since the original question and you are making me crazy to make it seem like "I" have the problem with obsession when in fact it is YOU that has the problem, I mean seriously have you ever just looked in a mirror and seen yourself how others see you? Here, I'll go through this survey a second time and pin point the areas to show that you are obsessed, seriously, just sit there a minutes, I'll prove it to you.......brb.

you still there?

just checking....

um, so I went through it a second time and I think it might be best if we never speak of the subject again.......o.k.? Great. Love you!

in a non obsessive way.