Sunday, July 25, 2010

One last post from "up north" lol

I had dinner with an old friend who will be moving in the opposite direction a few weeks from now. The dinner was with her family since she's staying at her parent's house during this transition in her own life. We had a bonfire and had a great time. I met her brother I eye stalked him all night and had so much fun doing it. lol.

Well I'm dismantling my computer in a few minutes, I'm going to miss my computer and it's only going to be a few days, but I'm going to miss it. This is also the last night for no pants time in my house. Tomorrow night I'll be staying at my parents as well as the next night, and then it's off to Cinci.

While I'm going to miss certain aspects of living alone, I'm also looking forward to having company and a partner in crime. :)

I can't believe it's finally happening. After over a year of planning and dreaming, it's finally happening.

It's so hard to believe. :)

I promise I'll post soon!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


6 days people!! It's flying by so quickly! I think I've changed the addresses I need to change etc...

I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that needs to happen, the packing that needs to be finished and the amount of stuff to be packed into that moving trailer! lol. It's going to work out, it's going to work just fine.

Then there is the camping trip two days after I move that I need to prep. for while I settle in, then it's that pesky job thing I need to find. lol. Then there is the collecting of rent next month while I'm in Cinci. the paying of bills, etc...

but I can't wait. :) I'm so excited under all this stress, and there are times the excitement bubbles to the surface. :)

I'm almost there, I'm almost there!!!

We're packing the trailer a day earlier than I thought so I probably won't be posting until after the move. I'm staying with my parents a couple of nights because everything should be loaded on the trailer.

Oh I can't wait. I can't wait for my "Finally in Cinci" party....not sure when that will be, but it's going to happen! :)

I miss you all!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Something I'm going to miss

So I was at a family reunion today...mind you it was not my family so it's all good. But I realized one of the things I'm going to miss about living in a farming community is the honest to goodness real farm boys.

It's a real shame I have to blur his face but in order to protect the innocent I have to blur his identity.

Yes these photos are a bit stalker like, but they were cropped to remove the actual subjects I was taking a picture of.

I swear it was just a happy accident that he happened to be in most of my photos......I promise... ;)

O.K. so I may have taken one or two photos for Jake and Cody when no one was looking and that may be a little stalker like. I can admit it and I'm only slightly ashamed by it. :) O.k. I'm really not all that ashamed, I had to have his photo after watching him all day.

That's not it? I tried to get a photo of his other great asset, but was not able to without being obvious.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Financial Funk

It's crazy to think that I'm in a financial funk, but then again I've been in it for years now. I know I'm going to be fine, but the unknowns are killing me.

When will I start working? How much is the move going to cost me? Will I have the money to do anything once I get moved? How am I going to afford living somewhere else?

Just talking about money digs me further and further into a hole. Everything is current except one bill and yet it feels as if it's going to all fall apart so quickly, I know it won't, I really do know it won't, but my mind is racing all on it's own.

I spent sometime today working on a house design to take my mind off of it. It's a house that will probably never be built, it's for no one in particular but it helps take my mind off of things. Some people play video games, I design homes. lol.

Being in this building still does not help my mental state of mind, it's as if everything is still the same.

O.K. breath, calm down. Breath deeper, think of something else. I'm going to be fine. Everything is going to work out just fine. Everything will come together, it's going to be great, just take it step by step, day by day and it will be just fine. I've been through times harder than this and I came out on the other side just fine, and this will be no different.

O.K. feeling a little better.......maybe.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The new digs

So it's kind of nice to only have one blog to worry about now, I really want to work some more on the layout, etc... but I'm just not sure what I want on there yet. I also need to create a new banner, but I have to wait until the creative mood strikes me.

So I'm really close on being all packed. Only a few more boxes and tubs and it's all done until moving time. I'm selling my washer and dryer, finalizing details, and applying for jobs. It's hard to explain everything that's running through my mind. I had all these plans in my head for things I wanted to do, people I wanted to spend time with and trips I wanted to make before I left, but as it happened last time, I don't have the time or money to do them once again.

There are people I wanted to make plans with, plans that both parties had and I seemed to be the only serious person. I made the time, had the plans but it seems no one wants to walk the walk. It's been kind of hard on me, it's been hitting me this last week that I'm not sure the people I wanted to spend time with, really want to spend time with me. It's a hard realization, and it may not be right, but it really starts to feel that way. I decided I'm not going to spend the last few weeks here worrying about that. I have made the effort, I have made the time and if people don't want to deal with it, then fine, it's their loss.

Over the last 10 years I've grown so tired of people that talk and talk and talk about doing things but never make the effort to even come close to doing them. I'm so over it. I think a part of the problem is they don't really think it's going to happen. That at some point I'm going to just wake up and say I'm not leaving, maybe it's denial, maybe it's a lack of caring. Either way I've grown tired of forcing myself on others, they can call and make plans once in awhile. Not that I'm bitter at all. lol.

I must say though that they aren't the only ones having a hard time wrapping their heads around the whole concept. I've planned, I've had the visions, I've had the dreams, but as I know by now, it never turns out as I plan. The thing that keeps me calm and moving forward is that it always turns out better.

For the last 8 years I've enjoyed living alone. I've enjoyed having the say on where to put things, what to do, etc... One of the hardest things to get used to is the idea of having a roommate. It's been so long, there have been so many bad experiences, but the closer that the time comes, the more excited I am about it. Perhaps 8 years on my own has made me really long for some company. Someone to share my experiences with in real life. It also helps that she's such an awesome person with a rockin personality.

Most days I look forward to the future, I'm embracing the changes on the horizon, and having nothing but good thoughts in my mind about what life is about to be. Of course there are the other days though where I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety, then I think eh, I spend most of my life like that anyway. lol.

On Thursday of this week I was moving a shelf back into place at work after cleaning and two giant very hard and heavy plastic containers that were stacked together slid off the top shelf and the corner of the bottom one hit me on the head. It hurt, it hurt really really bad. I was kind of stunned, my first instinct was the start screaming about what idiot put them on the top shelf, but then I knew I was the one that put them up there a week before by orders of my general manager. I knew that anger was not the appropriate response and stood there stunned. Of course I was gripping my head because the containers had slammed my headset into my head when it hit.

I think if I had heard one bit of laughter I would have gone off but after everyone heard the giant crash they all came running to see if I was alright. They waited at least 1/2 an hour before the first joke came out and by then I had calmed myself, taken pain killers and returned to taking orders because that's who I am. The more I thought about it the more it started to scare me. What if I had a concussion and fell asleep tonight and didn't wake up. What if this was it? Then I realized that perhaps the sometimes irrational fears and thoughts that were coursing through my inflamed brain could have been the results of the many people around me that always jump to the most extreme cases each time. lol.

I'm fine, the swelling has gone down my head is just really sensitive and washing my hair or combing my hair causes great pain. But I'm alive and still ready to face each day.

I really am looking forward to what the future has in store for me, the challenges it will bring forth and more importantly the joy it holds within it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I have a theory that is so going to be proved some day. That's enough said for now. lol.

What is it about dancing my butt off and the lack of central air that has me sweating my butt off you think it will work? My butt will be 3 sizes smaller in the morning? If so it would be totally worth it. lol.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A survey to lighten the mood around here.

What would happen if you were suddenly in bed with the last person who text you?
no one would be shocked except her and I, we're rumored to be sleeping together anyway, but she's the friend that likes to watch male strippers with me. lol.

Is the last person you kissed the one you like?
I like her but not in that way....see above.

Do you smoke weed everyday?
no, I'm so over that crap, it was a time period that was short lived and will never be revisited.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
I'm going out tonight, so who knows! lol.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
I worked, then stayed up until 3am working on a house design.

Last thing you watched on tv?
currently watching My First Place

Do you wear eyeliner?
uh no, not something that I've ever considered.....or would even consider.

Plan on getting drunk or high tonight?

no, plan on having a few drinks, but drunk is not on the schedule

Do you like to sleep?
I feel like I'm wasting my life when I sleep too much, but I do enjoy it.

Did anything "cute" happen in the last week?
I got to join one of my favorite kids in her first swimming experience in a big person pool!

Is sex the most important thing in a relationship?
no, but it does rank

What do you want right this second?
see question above. lol.

What does the newest text in your inbox say?
"yes she is and 10 sounds good"

And what was your reply to this?
no reply.

Have you had sex with more than two people in 2010?
no, but it's only July. :)

Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?
I have, but we'll see someday.....hopefully.

Are you in a good mood?
yeah, I'm a bit bored and feel like I've wasted a day, but oh well.

You miss summer, right?
it's summer right now, I could do without the humidity.

Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating?
uh yeah, most of the my kissing has been to people I wasn't dating.....does that make me sound like a whore?

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
yes, if you're reading this, you're probably thinking of me. :)

Will the next person you kiss be the same person you last kissed?
who knows, anything is possible.

How late did you stay up last night?

How is your life?
discombobulated, but good.

Are you tan?
parts of me are.

What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
besides myself? Oh the places this answer could go.

Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?
yes, we had a small audience.....I really am dirty aren't I.

You got laid last night, didn't you?
sadly no.

Who was the last male you talked to?
My father who came here today to bitch at me about things that are no longer my problems.

Have you kissed the last person you text?
yes, how odd.

Is there a girl you absolutely can not stand?
yes, I work with several.

Does the person you like know it?
probably not, he's not all that observant.

Would you give your number to an attractive stranger?
If they were interested yes, but not without them asking.

Do you need to forget about someone right now?
sadly those I should forget about are those I can't stop thinking about for one reason or another.

Do you like to run?
have you seen me? That would be a no.

Do you know anybody who is going to the marines this year or next?
yes oddly enough.

If you could receive any one gift right now, what would you want?
cash, and lots of it.

What's one piercing you would never get, and why?
there are too many body parts to put on this list.

Do you like to attend bonfires?
I love a good bon fire with good friends.

The last time you went out to eat with someone, who paid?
I bought my own and they bought their own.

Would you 'get with' a teacher to pass a class you were failing?
depends on the teacher, but I would certainly try. lol.

Do you lie when asked how you're doing?
usually. most people don't want to hear the truth.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends on what I'm allowed to do, but it would be fun to see the past.

Does anyone like you right now?
like me? lots...."like" me? I wish.

Could you go a day without eating?
I could go a week without eating if it wasn't so unhealthy for me.

Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
it's hard to say without being in that situation, but at this moment, probably not.

Are you mean?
not enough, apparently I'm a really nice guy.......wait, don't they usually finish last?

Do you want to be single or with someone?
I would really enjoy having someone to share things with, in whatever capacity that comes in at the moment.

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
alcohol and peer pressure. LMAO!!

How old will you be on your next birthday?
old enough to know better, but young enough to not care. :)

Are you angry with someone right now?
eh, not really, I don't stay mad for long.

Do you ever think about what went wrong in your last relationship?
nope, I already know what went wrong.....everything about the relationship was wrong.

Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars?
I would love too! Is this an invitation?

What were you doing at midnight last night?
driving home from work.

Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
I'm not sure anyone knows everything there is to know about me......yet. lol.

Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it?
I haven't said it, but I can only imagine it will be spoken tonight. lol.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bad memories

So I've been trying to recall what it was that set off the last post. What was it that happened recently that made me slide back behind all the progress I had made in my self esteem battle in loving who I am, and I realized. I was at a graduation party a few weeks back and my car was parked behind someone else's vehicle so they made an announcement asking if whoever owned the car would move it, I got up and started to walk towards my car to move it and heard a comment coming from one of the tables....."Jesus, I don't think he could even fit in a Neon"

Such a comment from someone I didn't even know, it reaffirmed everything I had ever thought and a major part of me wanted to back my car out onto the highway into traffic and just wait to get hit. I know how crazy that can sound at times, I wouldn't ever do it, but that's the thought that crossed my mind. I know there is more to me than this body that I hate so much, I just feel like a fool letting myself think that I can pass for anything but the fat man in a crowd. It's so frustrating.

I was talking with my mother today at lunch about past experiences and she told me about this week at her job the pastor was doing marriage counceling and things went badly and the woman came out of his office screaming, past my mother's office and down the stairs out to their car. Then she comes back in, up the stairs, goes into pastor's office and slams the door shut. My mother said she had flash backs to a few years ago when it was common place for the two previous pastors to be slamming doors and having screaming matches in the hallway and then trying to put my mother in the middle of their arguements. She said it took awhile for her to talk herself back down after that. The church paid for some therapy for my mother after they terminated both pastors because she was so shaken up.

It reminds me of the panic I feel in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear a door slamming next door now that it's not my business. Evertime a door slams, or a pot hits the floor or someone slams something on the table, without even knowing what it's about I think I'm in for trouble. I instantly wonder what I did wrong, or didn't do wrong. My stomach turns over and I feel like I could vomit, and this is now 5 years later.

I'm amazed at the amount of emotional baggage I carry with me. I always thought I had the least amount of baggage of anyone I knew because of the very few relationships I had, the great upbringing I had, and the security I thought was instilled into me growing up. But I realize how close the surface I keep all this, no matter how far I think I've burried it, no matter how much I think I've dealt with it, it's always right there, just under the surface waiting to terrorize me in an instant.

I have no idea what to do about any of this. I know the weight is under my control. I'm hoping that when I get moved I will have a schedule that will allow me to find help for this. I realize that after 33 years I can not do this on my own and I plan on reaching for help with this. So it's at least a start, as far as the emotional distress I feel when there is fighting or door slamming going on, I have no idea where to even start with that.

Oh well, guess time will tell.