Saturday, July 10, 2010

The new digs

So it's kind of nice to only have one blog to worry about now, I really want to work some more on the layout, etc... but I'm just not sure what I want on there yet. I also need to create a new banner, but I have to wait until the creative mood strikes me.

So I'm really close on being all packed. Only a few more boxes and tubs and it's all done until moving time. I'm selling my washer and dryer, finalizing details, and applying for jobs. It's hard to explain everything that's running through my mind. I had all these plans in my head for things I wanted to do, people I wanted to spend time with and trips I wanted to make before I left, but as it happened last time, I don't have the time or money to do them once again.

There are people I wanted to make plans with, plans that both parties had and I seemed to be the only serious person. I made the time, had the plans but it seems no one wants to walk the walk. It's been kind of hard on me, it's been hitting me this last week that I'm not sure the people I wanted to spend time with, really want to spend time with me. It's a hard realization, and it may not be right, but it really starts to feel that way. I decided I'm not going to spend the last few weeks here worrying about that. I have made the effort, I have made the time and if people don't want to deal with it, then fine, it's their loss.

Over the last 10 years I've grown so tired of people that talk and talk and talk about doing things but never make the effort to even come close to doing them. I'm so over it. I think a part of the problem is they don't really think it's going to happen. That at some point I'm going to just wake up and say I'm not leaving, maybe it's denial, maybe it's a lack of caring. Either way I've grown tired of forcing myself on others, they can call and make plans once in awhile. Not that I'm bitter at all. lol.

I must say though that they aren't the only ones having a hard time wrapping their heads around the whole concept. I've planned, I've had the visions, I've had the dreams, but as I know by now, it never turns out as I plan. The thing that keeps me calm and moving forward is that it always turns out better.

For the last 8 years I've enjoyed living alone. I've enjoyed having the say on where to put things, what to do, etc... One of the hardest things to get used to is the idea of having a roommate. It's been so long, there have been so many bad experiences, but the closer that the time comes, the more excited I am about it. Perhaps 8 years on my own has made me really long for some company. Someone to share my experiences with in real life. It also helps that she's such an awesome person with a rockin personality.

Most days I look forward to the future, I'm embracing the changes on the horizon, and having nothing but good thoughts in my mind about what life is about to be. Of course there are the other days though where I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety, then I think eh, I spend most of my life like that anyway. lol.

On Thursday of this week I was moving a shelf back into place at work after cleaning and two giant very hard and heavy plastic containers that were stacked together slid off the top shelf and the corner of the bottom one hit me on the head. It hurt, it hurt really really bad. I was kind of stunned, my first instinct was the start screaming about what idiot put them on the top shelf, but then I knew I was the one that put them up there a week before by orders of my general manager. I knew that anger was not the appropriate response and stood there stunned. Of course I was gripping my head because the containers had slammed my headset into my head when it hit.

I think if I had heard one bit of laughter I would have gone off but after everyone heard the giant crash they all came running to see if I was alright. They waited at least 1/2 an hour before the first joke came out and by then I had calmed myself, taken pain killers and returned to taking orders because that's who I am. The more I thought about it the more it started to scare me. What if I had a concussion and fell asleep tonight and didn't wake up. What if this was it? Then I realized that perhaps the sometimes irrational fears and thoughts that were coursing through my inflamed brain could have been the results of the many people around me that always jump to the most extreme cases each time. lol.

I'm fine, the swelling has gone down my head is just really sensitive and washing my hair or combing my hair causes great pain. But I'm alive and still ready to face each day.

I really am looking forward to what the future has in store for me, the challenges it will bring forth and more importantly the joy it holds within it.

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