Friday, October 29, 2010

I know, it's been a bit

Yes, so I've been neglecting my blog for awhile, but I've been busy living, you know?

So since we last visited there has been so much happening I hope I can cover it all. I've been absent for a small part because I finally had DSL installed and that came with it's own set of problems, I was concentrating for awhile on getting the two computers in this house connected to the network and get the internet working....o.k. that really only took a couple of days but there's more, I promise. lol.

I put my two weeks notice in at O.M. and it was a rough week. They didn't treat me badly or anything, they felt a little lost and were trying to figure out what to do. They eventually asked me to stay on part time and basically write my own schedule. I hadn't really thought about staying all that much, I won't need the money and looked forward to working just one job, but really I enjoy the job and the people so much I eventually decided to stay on for two nights a week, not because I had to, but because I wanted to, a choice I had not been able to make for quite some years.

I did take a week off between what was supposed to be my last week at O.M. and my first week at the bank. What did I do for an entire week you may ask? Seriously, you can ask....I'll wait patiently for it........................................................................................o.k. there we go. I decided to do some traveling and went to Missouri for four days to see a very good friend and my godchildren. I hadn't been out there for a better part of 6 years and finally had the time to do it, so I did. I had a great trip, a great drive, a great visit and some wonderful memories, it made me so happy.

I came home on Wednesday afternoon and relaxed, did some laundry, and repacked and left Thursday morning to head back to my parents house. I spent the whole weekend visiting with some great friends, catching up with my family and even more great friends. I had a great time, but by the time Sunday rolled around, I was ready to come home. I love them all dearly but that town gets to me after too long. It's amazing how quickly I grew accustomed to being myself down here that stuffing part of me back in the closet for the whole long weekend made me very claustrophobic.

This whole week was my first week at the bank, I was a nervous wreck about the drive, about meeting all new people again, a job I had never done before, etc... I think back to that first day, that was just Monday and think about what an amazing week it's been. Everyone I have met at the bank has been so amazing, friendly and just so easy to get to know. Our training class is a larger class of about 20 people but we all mesh so well. I haven't laughed this much at "work"....ever come to think of it. I do realize that when I get to the actual job it's going to be tougher but we have an amazing trainer who seems to be doing a really great job and is hilarious to boot.

I'm learning a lot about the banking industry that I'm actually finding very interesting. I actually look forward to each day and the days go by so quickly. The company really does seem like a really good company and I keep thinking how blessed I am to find myself in such a great situation finally after the last several years. This new start has had such an amazing beginning and I'm ever so grateful. To live a life, my life, has really been so great. The feeling is amazing and has made me love Cinci even more.

It seems so crazy that such a few silly differences could make such a huge difference in my life and in my mind, but it really has. I feel I've really come a long way since I've moved down here, I can feel it in every laugh, in every tear from laughing so hard, and every new connection I make. I can feel it beginning, this new start, this new life, the life I've been waiting for, the life I nearly gave up on, I can feel it. I know that not every day will be so happy and filled with laughter, I know there are going to be some tough times, there always are, but so far they seem so much easier to handle and live through.

I truly am a very incredibly blessed person.
(the exception of course is the rush hour traffic, but I digress) ;)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Stress and the past

So the other day I had a bad day. I'm not saying it was a horrible day, I just had a rough day of being a clutz, not hearing right, etc... It was day number 8 of working straight and I think I was just exhausted. It wasn't until Bethany made a comment, that I realized it's how I used to live my life every day. Everyday was a battle of wills, I was angry and my frustration was burried under the lightest layer of skin. It dawned on me how much stress I was really under then and didn't even realize it. Everything about me seemed to be so negative, and to be honest, the other day it was just more exhausting than I could handle.

It's hard to believe how long I spent like that. Constantly tired, constantly stressed, and constantly thinking people were out to get me, or that I was out to get myself. It opened my eyes to reasoning behind my midemeanor of that time. It made me realize just how far I've come since then and how different my life is now. I can see it in the progression of my blog posts, in notes I've left myself and how I handled certain situation back then.

It started to scare me about what all those years have done to my health, both physical and emotional, but each scar, each moment carries knowledge and all lead to the life I have now. It's easy to wish I had never done it, but without it I wouldn't be who or where I am today. Each moment of stress, each moment of exhaustion was something I needed to do, believe it or not it cleared up a lot of things from the past and built ideas and thoughts for the future. I don't regret those years, and while I wish the end result had been different, it was still the basic end result I had wanted, so who am I to say that God didn't know what he was doing.

One thing that really shocked me was our trip to Applefest. No less than 6 months ago I would have seen the crowds from that day and I would have found an excuse to wait in the car or hang out in a non crowded area. I never would have been able handle that crowd, all those people, shoulder to shoulder, I either would have had to taken my zanex before I got there or I would have had to excuse myself. It was then I realized the tie between my stress level and my anxiety. It was feeding the anxiety and doubling the stress of the situation and it shocked me how I was able to handle it without the medication at this point.

Knowing my family history and the anxiety that runs through my blood I realize it won't last forever, but hopefully at this point I'll be able to handle it on my own for a little longer. I'm not saying that I'm against medication, but let's face it, I have no insurance yet and would like to put medication off a little longer until I have insurance to help pay for it. I had twinges of the anxiety throughout the day but I managed it alright instead of lashing out at people or myself, you know, the way I used to deal with it. lol.

Overall I'm thinking this new life is much healthier, I'm not silly enough to think that this new life won't have stress of it's own, but really in the scale of stress, I can't imagine too much that will register on that scale. I'm looking forward to this new life, it has given me an outlook I didn't think could be and I'll forever be grateful for this opportunity for a new life.

Friday, October 8, 2010

A celebration

So a couple of weeks ago the boys came down and spent the day with us and I was very excited. I do love when the boys are in town. We had a pioneer woman dinner that to my surprise turned into a full blown celebration dinner for the selling of my business and my move to Cincinnati finally. As if it wasn't wonderful enough to share it with such great friends, have a glass of champagne and general merriment, they each took turns talking about me. I'm just so not used to people telling me such nice things. I was doing well until the end and Jake's speech started to really get to me, the emotions of the other speeches were already built up and Jake's started to push me over the edge. I dodged it with a joke or two and maintained composure. It's not as if I was afraid of crying in front of my friends, I just didn't want to go there.

I really wish I had known ahead of time so I could have come up with some words of my own to show my appreciation to each of them but I'm not very good with on the spot speeches. I'm a write it down ahead of time type of person as I get so nervous, even in small groups that I forget what I want to say. I felt as if my speech didn't portray what I wanted to say so I decided to do a speech for each of you on here.

Bethany: I can't even begin to thank you for everything you've done for me to help me on this journey. Our friendship took me by surprise and was a whirlwind of awesomeness that I never could have expected. I thank God often for crossing our paths. Not only have you supported me emotionally to get me to the point I'm at, you've helped guide the religious journey I continue on, you have loved me when I needed love, you pushed me when I needed pushed and you have called me on crap I need to be called on. To top everything off you opened your home to me to made this opportunity for change so much more feasible and easier. I love you, and thank you for being such a rocking roommate. I look forward to the future as our friendship only gets stronger and we continue to grow together.

Sharen: I can't even remember the first time I met you, if it was here in Cinci or at your parents house, I can't remember because it was like I have known you forever. It seems as if we've been family for the entire time. You make me feel so comfortable to be myself and I can't express how that makes me feel. Your constant value searching is catchy and tells me I have a lot to learn yet. You're an amazing mom and constantly surprise me at the amounts of everything you juggle and make it all seem so easy.

Jeff: What can I say about Apples, except there are so very few straight men out there like you. You are always welcoming, caring and friendly, especially when there is macaroni or potato salad involved. lol. You've made me feel like part of the family and I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Cody: I just can't explain it Cody, you bring something out in me, a part of me I enjoy, and while people warn me I only encourage you, I really enjoy our time together. You wrap your wisdom and experience in hilarious, line crossing stories that keep me laughing and thinking at the same time. I'm able to express things with you that I never thought I would be able to express to anyone and with you it just rolls off my tongue (insert the dirty joke here). You can be hilarious and serious all at the same time and you make me feel as if I could call on you at any time if I need to, and someone I can always count on to sing show tunes with.

Jake: It's very hard for me to put to words what your friendship has meant to me. It sounds silly at times seeing as how little time we've spent together. Your willingness to help someone in need, someone you had never met or spoken too before said volumes about who you are from the very beginning. When our paths crossed without even knowing each other, it came at a time that I needed it the most. The advice, and help that came from even knowing someone who knew you was so needed and I've never forgotten it. Your words and actions have had a profound impact on my life. I know you enough to realize you probably don't think you have it all together, but in watching you (not in a creepy stalker way of course) you really do. You have stumbles and it's o.k because that's human nature, it's how we learn, but you do live an inspiring life.

I hate to think that any of these would make it sound like I value one of you more than the other because it's not true, you all inspire me in different ways and you have all raised the bar in how I value future friendships and what I expect out of people I hold close to my heart.

I can't thank you all enough for that night. I'm sorry it's taken so long to post about but it's taken me awhile to put it to words and to get through it honestly. If I would have tried to get through this that night I would have been a hot mess. lol.

Thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart. I couldn't imagine a better group of people to celebrate such a big change in my life with.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Oh love, you surprise me even at my age.

So while I was attending my first college, I had a writing class. It was an introductory class required for all freshman. It was a fun class with a fun and cute professor that made even the most mundane aspects of writing were fun and interesting. It was a night class so it was a very interesting and fun diverse group. I sat next to a woman in her 70's that was just a hoot and I loved talking to her.

Well anyway one assignment we had was to descriptively describe what we thought love was. It was an interesting assignment as there were young people like me, older people like my friend, some divorced people etc... When we had our assignments complete we would get into groups and read each other's essays and talk about them. Sometimes it was about the writing itself and sometimes it was the story and sometimes it was both.

So I wrote this story about what I thought love was. How devoted each person should be, how each could have their own life and yet be a part of one another. I wrote about how deep love should be, how love should be deep enough that you would give your own life for the one you love. Everyone agreed it was a great essay but the group agreed I was too love to fully understand love.

All of the married people in the group said they would not give their lives for their husbands/wives. How they would give their lives for their children, but never for their spouse. I was in shock by this. I asked them how they could honestly say that their love only went so deep, that they had limits as to what they would do for one another and that I didn't want a part of that love. They told me I was much to young to understand.

It pissed me off, it still pisses me off. I knew they were wrong, and honestly I still think they are wrong. My grandparents would have given their lives for one another easily. My grandmother wept as my grandfather took his last breath and screamed for God to take her and not him. This is the love I was raised around. If you were to ask my parents if they would give their lives for one another they would both answer yes without hesitation. This is what I know, and this is what I've grown to expect. No less. It sounds crazy to some, and maybe there are people that can spend their lives with someone that has limits on their love, I'm not sure and maybe that's why I'm still single, who knows.

But just when I think my family is full of freaks, well more than normal anyway, I have a new story to tell you.

A dear friend of mine suffers from kidney failure. He's had a rough few years medically since he had his heart attack several years ago, then he got diabetes, and then his kidney's shut down. He's been having a rough time but putting on a brave front and doing what he had to do to keep on living. He'd get up at 5am to go sit at dialysis for 4 hours and then go work his 12 hour day and then home. He does it because he has too.

His wife, also a very dear friend of mine who I met first is the most loving and incredible woman you can meet. They had a rough go of it the first few years, there was fighting, there was screaming, there was a terrifying car chase I was involved in but through it all they loved each other. She said it best when she told me they wouldn't fight as bad if they didn't love each other. When you spoke to each of them separately they would not bad mouth each other except in the usual funny banter, never bitching about anything they wouldn't talk about with each other. They didn't have many secrets from each other and would do anything for one another.

This is proven in this story, trust me. So as he was cleared to be put on the transplant list by his doctors the search started. He told me he had a tough time asking anyone and didn't want to ask anyone he knew to even consider it. Three of his kids from previous marriages never even considered it, in fact one asked what kind of money was involved if he were to die. Yeah, those kids take after their mother. His youngest child who is in jail for reasons that would require an entire post in itself met with his lawyer and the warden to see if he could at least get tested and they told him if no one else from the family stepped up they would start the paperwork to at least get him tested.

Well to every one's surprise (except mine) his wife wanted to get tested and really wanted to be the one to donate a kidney to her husband. The doctors explained what would happen, all the risks etc... and she took a few days to actually consider it and convince her husband to at least let her get tested. He didn't want anything to do with it but let backed down because he knows his wife. lol. Her brothers, sisters, father, step mother and even her kids told her there was no way she would even consider it, and they wouldn't support her in doing it.

Of course this didn't seem to stop her because she is who she is and knows her husband has been more of a support system for her than her family ever was, and I'm including her kids in this as well. Long story short she was tested and text me today that she is a match and she's already packing and making the plans to get it done. She didn't care who supported her because she was doing it regardless. When I first talked to her about it all I told her I knew she would do it and I thought it was a great idea. I told her she'd be selfish if she didn't, I mean how would her husband feel with two bum kidneys and her sitting on the same couch with two good kidneys?

She got a kick out of it and knew I had her back.

To me, that's what love is. This post is a bunch of rambling and doesn't have a real flow and would seriously disappoint my writing instructor, but I don't care.

Love does exist, it's not a myth and it will totally be worth my waiting time to find it. I will not settle for anything less because I deserve it.

A story from my past

I was in my third year of college in Detroit and in a design class that was taught by a total free spirit. She loved the challenge of design, making designs from anything and seeing the beauty of art in everything. I loved the class and the the professor, Patricia was amazing. She would come out for a cigarette with a few of us after class. She was older, she was highly educated and so out there that many of the students had a very hard time following her and understanding her instructions but I excelled because I understood her.

She used to tell us that design was all around us. She had us do elevations that inspired us, building facades that we really enjoyed but we were not supposed to do a floor plan. After we presented our elevations she had us put them on the table and study them. Study the lines and remember what it was about it that inspired us. She then had us put a layer of onion skin (a very thin sketching paper) over the elevation and told us to create a floor plan using the lines of the elevation. It was an amazing project and I had so much fun.

Another project was to take a bottle of ink, get an eye dropper and place two blobs of ink on a 2x2 square of paper and use something to spread the ink, anything. I used a drywall screw and started to move the ink around and she went crazy for it. That's the kind of person she was, pushing for us to see the beauty.

The class was about 20 of us, people I had seen before but in particular there were two other students there that got it as well. Two students I had never spoken to before because it seemed like we were just so different that we would never have anything to talk about. Even still I couldn't stop watching them I wanted to get to know them because they inspired me but I kept stopping myself. One day when I was out with Patricia having a smoke both of these student came out, one to smoke and one just to talk. Patricia got us all interacting and talking about design and life in general and both of these students were just as I imagined.

One was a daughter of Swedish hippies named Jana (pronounce Yana) and the other a guy named J.P. Yes, I did find J.P. incredibly attractive, he was creative, he was rugged and he was sexy but I wasn't able to concentrate on his rugged sexiness because he was such an amazing person. After that time we spent together outside we started talking more, I felt more comfortable talking with them during class and even outside of class. Eventually we all became pretty good friends and talked about more than just class. I had made friends and it was awesome.

We started going out to lunches after class, they had grown up in the area and knew all the little out of the way places to eat and took me to these places and shared their experiences. This was when I was introduced to sushi, it was amazing. Afterwards we would head to the mall and go to the Godiva store and each purchase one truffle as desert. These times we spent together meant so much to me. I told them both at lunch one day about how I wanted to get to know them both since the first day of class and how paralyzed I was that they would have nothing to do with me. They both just stared at me like I was crazy and it opened up a dialogue about life, college and human nature.

I do that often, I see interesting people that I think I would really like to get to know but I shy away thinking I won't be enough. I know it's crazy, but it's a part of who I am, a part I'm trying to work on.

I do miss those two, after graduation we just lost touch and everyone moved on with their lives and I can't seem to find either of them. I don't think they were meant to be in my life forever and I'm o.k. with that, they were there to teach me a lesson, a lesson I appreciate more than either of them could ever understand. It also makes me miss Patricia, she passed away during my senior year from brain cancer that she didn't know she had until it was too late.

Thank you Patricia, I wish I could have told you how much that class and our friendship meant to me. You are missed.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

When you are ready, you call me.

Yes Mike, I'm talking to you. I've been seeing you more and more, I can't turn the station when you're on, you keep looking at me. I know you know what you're doing, you know I'm here just watching you, waiting for me to make the first move. Well sir, here I am, making my move.
I think we'd be great together. You seem to like to have fun, we can have fun together, meeting new people, going new places, seeing new things. Your laughter is contagious, even through the televison when you laugh, I can't help but at least smile if not laugh myself. You make the best out of these situations, so much even that I can tell it continues off the camera as well. You like to be friends with people and respect their stuff and them as people, you know that's a big deal to me, you tease.
You seem to love to travel, I love to travel, I would never stop you from doing what you enjoy. I too enjoy looking at other people's things. The great part is you see the beauty in things most people see as junk. Knowing this makes me believe that you would see me for who I am and fall for me, I think you already have, but you're playing hard to get.......I kind of like that.

You are beautiful on the inside and it shines through your smoking hot body. I do realize you have a bad back and that's o.k. I can help Frank lift things, you can keep your back in tip top shape, no reason for you to hurt yourself when I can be there to help. I have a good back and would be happy to help, anything for my baby.

Seriously, look at that smile, those arms.

I would never ask you to change, I like you the way you are, I wouldn't ask you to change your wardrobe because I love your jeans, I love your t-shirts. I enjoy the fact that we could travel together, I would even move to Iowa for you and never even complain. If you wanted to take a trip or two without me, I would not get upset, I would not cry or make your life hell, I would stay behind and help run the shop. I don't want to smother you, I want you to be you, I'd just like it if I could become a part of your life.

I would not expect you to stop spending time with Frank, I like Frank and as long as he keeps his hands off of my man we could be very good friends. I wouldn't expect you to change your life, just share it. I'm a good man and would love you and only expect you to love me in return.

I'm not in it for the money, I'm not in it for the fame, I don't even want to be on your show, I could always ride with the film crew and always be off camera. I just love you.

Seriously, when your done playing these games through the t.v. post a comment and let me know you're ready. I can be packed and ready to go in very little time. You know we'd be good together so lets stop playing games and just get on with our life together.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Good things for September

September 1: I so waited so long I forgot this day

September 2: yeah, this one too. Sorry!

September 3:Visited my home town and spent quality time with my family.

September 4: The weather is absolutely beautiful today.

September 5: Talked to my LeighAnn tonight, long over due!!

September 6: Made a fantastic dinner that took me by surprise. Yes food was my good thing for the day. lol.

September 7: I got the news of Jake and Cody's visit and requested the time off of work so I can enjoy their trip!

September 8: had a great lunch with two great friends, also got great news about closing getting scheduled!

September 9: I had such a great drive home, perfect temperature, good traffic, and good thoughts.

September 10: I finally got to sign off my business after 9 months of dealing with the buyer and after nearly 5 of the craziest years of my life. It's done and I couldn't be happier!

September 11: Today was uneventful and today that's my good thing. It sounds crazy, but thinking back to 9 years ago, who I was, where I was, and the kind of day it was, just being me and being where I'm at is my good thing for today.

September 12: My roommate arrived home after a week and I was reminded how nice it was to live with someone again.

September 13: Got my acceptance letter for the new job and while the start date is later than they originally thought, the pay is slightly higher and they offer better benefits than I've ever had at any of my jobs. I'm so freaking excited!

September 14:Had a good day at work, nothing overly exciting, just a pleasant day getting to know a coworker and keeping busy the whole day. Simple days can be so nice.

September 15: I had a productive day off today and even got to fit in some socializing in the evening. I don't do that nearly enough yet.

September 16: Got to have a couple of drinks and some hilarious conversation with my roommate tonight. It was so awesome to be able to celebrate the end of my business with someone in person! She also got me a fantastic water bottle I've been wanting. :) Good roommates rock!

September 17: I got to catch up on some long overdue bills and now the calls can finally stop. I also got the relief of paying back 3/4 of the amount I owed my parents and the financial relief I gave them made my day.

September 18:I had an awesome night out downtown with Dave and Dan! I got to see quite a bit of downtown, how I love being downtown.

September 19: Had a most delicious pot roast dinner with the chef, a.k.a. my rockin roommate and enjoyed an evening of Alias.

September 20: I felt appreciated today, it's happening more often than it used to which is good, but there are somedays it just feels better and today was one of those days. :)

September 21: I had a conversation with my brother that made me feel like we were both grown ups. It meant a lot to me that he called to get some advice from his "little" brother.

September 22: There is no better way to end a rough day than with a beer or two with a fantastic roommate.

September 23: Today was the last of 9 days straight of working. Finally some rest and relaxation.

September 24: Finally got my eyes checked after 5 years and order some new glasses and got a new pair of contacts! My eyes feel so much better already.

September 25: Had a celebration like no other and was made to feel like the most loved human being on the planet. God has blessed me with some of the most amazing people as friends. I finally feel like I've actually celebrated appropriately for the big steps that have been taken lately.

September 26: it was beautiful weather to sit outside with the roommate and a nice night to watch some Alias.

September 27: Today I cleaned the house and returned it back to the normal house of two people rather than the house of four and other than that relaxed, didn't leave the house and relaxed.....and didn't feel guilty. It was beautiful.

September 28: The two workmen that insulated the attic today were so cute, yes, my good thing for the day was the eye candy I was able to enjoy for most of the day. lol.

September 29: My GPS unit came in the mail today!! Woot!

September 30: Had a great dinner with friends and coffee out with the guys tonight. It was a good day. :)