So the other day I had a bad day. I'm not saying it was a horrible day, I just had a rough day of being a clutz, not hearing right, etc... It was day number 8 of working straight and I think I was just exhausted. It wasn't until Bethany made a comment, that I realized it's how I used to live my life every day. Everyday was a battle of wills, I was angry and my frustration was burried under the lightest layer of skin. It dawned on me how much stress I was really under then and didn't even realize it. Everything about me seemed to be so negative, and to be honest, the other day it was just more exhausting than I could handle.
It's hard to believe how long I spent like that. Constantly tired, constantly stressed, and constantly thinking people were out to get me, or that I was out to get myself. It opened my eyes to reasoning behind my midemeanor of that time. It made me realize just how far I've come since then and how different my life is now. I can see it in the progression of my blog posts, in notes I've left myself and how I handled certain situation back then.
It started to scare me about what all those years have done to my health, both physical and emotional, but each scar, each moment carries knowledge and all lead to the life I have now. It's easy to wish I had never done it, but without it I wouldn't be who or where I am today. Each moment of stress, each moment of exhaustion was something I needed to do, believe it or not it cleared up a lot of things from the past and built ideas and thoughts for the future. I don't regret those years, and while I wish the end result had been different, it was still the basic end result I had wanted, so who am I to say that God didn't know what he was doing.
One thing that really shocked me was our trip to Applefest. No less than 6 months ago I would have seen the crowds from that day and I would have found an excuse to wait in the car or hang out in a non crowded area. I never would have been able handle that crowd, all those people, shoulder to shoulder, I either would have had to taken my zanex before I got there or I would have had to excuse myself. It was then I realized the tie between my stress level and my anxiety. It was feeding the anxiety and doubling the stress of the situation and it shocked me how I was able to handle it without the medication at this point.
Knowing my family history and the anxiety that runs through my blood I realize it won't last forever, but hopefully at this point I'll be able to handle it on my own for a little longer. I'm not saying that I'm against medication, but let's face it, I have no insurance yet and would like to put medication off a little longer until I have insurance to help pay for it. I had twinges of the anxiety throughout the day but I managed it alright instead of lashing out at people or myself, you know, the way I used to deal with it. lol.
Overall I'm thinking this new life is much healthier, I'm not silly enough to think that this new life won't have stress of it's own, but really in the scale of stress, I can't imagine too much that will register on that scale. I'm looking forward to this new life, it has given me an outlook I didn't think could be and I'll forever be grateful for this opportunity for a new life.