Friday, January 30, 2009

Will I ever be Free again?

In Prayers for Bobby he reads through his journal and one of the lines he read was this:
"I wonder if I'll ever be free again"

The line came from when he was talking about dreaming. He used to dream about flying, and suddenly since his realization how he became afraid to fly in his dreams. Afraid he would run into power lines and how painful it would be. He was talking about being free from telling lies, free from being someone others wanted him to be. Free to tell the truth, freedom to be who he is without feeling dirty, or ashamed, or cast away from society.

I know I am far from the only person in this world that feels that way. All the years I spent totally alone in the closet I felt the same way, granted I could never quite verbalize it like that, it was true all the same. Few people can understand the confines of the lies, the feeling you get when they leave your lips, how awful you feel for lying to people you care about. What it's like to say things you don't mean, knowing full well that eventually when the truth comes out these people will be devastated at the lies you've told over the years.

I wonder if that's part of the reason that coming out of the closet is so difficult. To relate it to something I find so related is an episode of "How I met your mother" I refer to it as the glass shattering episode. In the episode people call attention to behaviors you don't see in your significant other, but after they mention it you notice it and you hear glass shattering because your illusions of that person are now gone. I relate this to coming out of the closet because the person they thought they knew, suddenly doesn't exist...well at least to their minds.

There are two types of glass shattering moments, moments of clarity and moments of horrifying truth. I've only experienced the first of the two. When my friend L found out it was a glass shattering moment of clarity. Every conversation and situation we had been through in our 8 years of knowing each other suddenly made more sense. The other I'm so afraid of that it keeps me in the closet that much longer. The one where people feel I've been lying to them my whole life and that they really know nothing about who I am. Honestly this is true for some people, they really have no idea who I really am, but it's really not all their fault, it's mine too, but that's a whole other story. I'm more worried about the people that really know me, but will wonder what else I've lied about in my life.

My family. I have been very honest with them and for the most part they know who I am, what I'm capable of, but how do you get them to see that there is just a small part of me I keep secret, but that everything else is the truth? It's terrifying to think that I'm going to have to have that conversation with my parents some day. Why is it straight kids don't have to talk about their sexual lives with their parents? It's just assumed with them, why do I need to? I think I'll just find a really great guy, show up on their door step and introduce him as my boy friend! yeah, that will go over well. lol.

The PFLAG lady that talks to Bobby's mom mentions that all mothers know. They may not realize they know, but they know that their kid have always been different. I know I was that kid, I was always different from the other kids, I thought differently, I didn't participate in the same things and I wasn't interested in the same things. It's not that I was playing dress up at the age of 12 or playing with barbies as a kid, but I also didn't play with G.I. Joe. My toy was He-man, who you would think would be a masculine toy, but honestly, who couldn't love toys that were 98% men without shirts? I mean hello? :-O lol.

I also spent more time with girls than guys, I felt more comfortable being in a friendship with girls, for the most part I still do. When I was a kid I spent a week with the neighbor girl who was teaching me to twirl a batton. Yeah, that was me. It wasn't so much the batton or how it looked, it more about the challenge of something new, I wanted to know how to do it because it was fascinating and after I got the hang of it, I was done with it. I was no champ, but I could twirl pretty dang good if I do say so myself.

I was the kid that would rather sit around with the adults listening than out playing football with the rest of the kids. I was the kid learning how to weave, and then running out to play cops and robbers in the neighborhood, I just wasn't like the rest of them. I know my mother saw it, I know my mother deep down already knows and has probably discussed it with my father. I know deep down inside that they will feel a loss, or fell hurt, but I know deep down that they will still love me. But there is a part of me that thinks I could be very wrong and it could blow up in my face and I'll be faced with a decision, to be who I am and not be comfortable around my family ever again, or hide who I am and continue to lie to the people I love the most.

I have no idea how to end this post, so I'm just going to end it because it's late and I should have been in bed an hour ago, good thing I got an hour nap after I closed up tonight! lol.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I have had a very hard day today. It wasn't one or two things that set me off, it was a build up of so many things because of so many people and it built and built until I finally just exploded. Sadly it was to my brother, he and my father take a brunt of my anger, I'm not sure why. I talked to him later about it and apologized and told him he didn't deserve to take the brunt of it for everyone I was angry at, but for some reason I'm more comfortable taking it out on him and I was sorry for it. He told me he's strong enough to take it and knows why he takes the brunt of it, and if it keeps me sane he'd keep his shoulders broad and strong to take whatever I can throw at him because he knows I don't mean it.

It's the deepest conversation we've had in over a year, it was pretty freaky. But I felt better after I apologized to him and things went back to normal. I've apologized to my dad many times as well. Why is it I take out my frustration and anger out on the people I love the most? Why do I feel the need to empty my heart of the hurt and anger on those that don't always deserve it? Why can't I stand up for myself and tell those who have hurt me that they hurt me? And why is it that these people I unload on are the ones I'm most afraid of telling the truth? Is it because I'm afraid they won't be there anymore when they know about me? I don't know.

The other thought that came across my mind while dealing with this neighbor issue is what if it's not concern for respect for his family? What if deep down I'm just jealous that if he's sleeping around that it's not with me? I've been wondering that today, but I don't think that's what it is, because I don't look at him the same anymore. I know that not only did he spend the night with the whore, but he used one of my best friends to be able to do it. I have to bury my anger when I see him because everything around here is teetering on such a fine point I'm so afraid of rocking the boat. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know yet, but I also know he goes through phases. That's no excuse though, he's 35 years old, it's time to grow up already.

But anyway, I have gotten through Prayers for Bobby for the third time and pulled out as many quotes as I could right down, and I'll probably go through them as they seem relevant or as I can expand enough on my thoughts for a blog.

Tonight though there is a quote that is powerful because it's what has been running around in my mind for years now and I have a hard time getting people to even understand what I'm saying, and a part of me has felt so guilty for thinking it because of my upbringing.

Bobby's mother met with a preacher at a church that she says supports homosexuality but as the pastor tells her "I believe God loves people for who they are"
That quote is good too, but the one I want to repeat is the one when they are debating the various bible verses that refer to the condemnation of homosexuality, and he's got some great answers and or come backs to whatever she has to throw at him.

The quote that spoke to me was this:
Bobby's mother: "Are you saying the bible is open for interpretation for anything you are trying to prove?" (not an exact quote but the pastor's reply is)
Pastor: "The bible was written by mortal men based on the times in which they lived"

I really believe this is true. Leviticus alone is great example of this. As the years have gone by the interpretations have been taken out of context based on misguiding because language as well as behavior was very different back then and as time went along and the bible was interpreted over and over again more mortal men put things into their own words and their own interpretations of times they did not live in.

Soddam and Gamorra is a good example. When I learned of this story it was all about homosexualtiy and I've read from more than one reliable source that the original story of Soddam and Gamorra was about greed and was not labeled as homosexuality until hundreds of years later. It was not about homosexuality, but instead about the greed of promiscuity, the enslavement of others, and just the down right horrifying actions the people of the community were committing.

I realize not everyone will agree with this, but to know that more than 5 people on this planet think this way makes me feel less alone in this world, it makes me stop thinking that everytime I'm in a church everyone is staring and condeming me. Perhaps this will help me attend church more often.

Well anyway before I lose it anymore, I better quit and go to bed. There are more quotes from this movie to follow....on a good note I was able to download this movie from Lifetime! Woot!

Monday, January 26, 2009


You know, it was supposed to be a nice night out with the bowling league. Nothing fancy, just a few drinks and home by 10pm.

But yet somehow tonight I started the night respecting a good friend, and ended the night totally pissed off and lost every once of respect for a good friend. You want to cheat on your wife? Don't invite me out to watch it. You want me to meet your friends? cool, stop trying to get them to sleep with you when you have three kids at home, one of which has been out of the hospital for less than a day, and a wife of 14 years waiting for you.

I hate it. I don't care if you did not actually sleep with the woman, hanging all over her, having her in the men's room with you, and telling me you want to f### her is still cheating. I've been there, I never even met the guy but I was cheating on my girlfriend, it's plain and simple. If you're unhappy either fight for the marriage or leave, give her a little respect for the 14 years of hell you've put her through. Show her enough respect to give her a divorce before you start sleeping around.

It just goes to show you, once a cheater always a cheater. I hope this doesn't mean bad things for me. I can't stand it. I hate being invited and then told "don't say a word" Then why did you invite me????? I'll tell him like I told my old best friend.....You want to cheat on your wife, fine, I can't say anything to stop you, but stop getting me involved. Friend's don't do that to other friends. I hate this town, everyone is the same.

Why can't these people just believe in love? Why can't they respect one another enough to NOT cheat on one another, if you're unhappy just fing leave!!!!!!If your marriage or relationship is worth sticking around for then talk and get off your ass and fight for it. No wonder I have such a hard time imagining a lasting relationship, my generation doesn't seem capable of them!!

I'm so angry I can hardly stand it. Northwest Ohio is just drinking and cheating and bigotry, I'm just so sick of it. I can't just go out have a few drinks and call it a night. I'm not man enough if I don't get plowed and drive home and start over the next day. It's driving me crazy.

The other thing I hate so much right now? Pretending I'm straight in a bar with friends just because that's what makes them comfortable. I'm so sick of this.

Please God, let this place sell quickly and swiftly so I can get out of here, I'm not meant for this place, I'm not meant for this town. The town I believed in is dying with the older generation. I'm just not built for this mentality, please God, help me escape once and for all.

sorry no movie quotes yet!

Sorry guys, I fell asleep yesterday during the movie because lets face it, it's Sunday and I could. :) I did get my notes made for the first half of the movie, tonight I can do the other half, it's going to be a long post, so I'm trying to break it down a little more and just hit the big ones.

For those that missed it, it's being replayed again on Lifetime on Tuesday at 9pm EST. I'm hoping to buy a DVD but after going through the website, I'm just not sure there will be one. If you don't see it, well then my next blog could be a little scattered for you, but it might still make sense.

As far as spoilers Jake, I'm not sure there is much spoiling to do, the outcome is in the previews so there is not real clif hanger lol. I think you'll be fine by then, if not, just don't read the next post until after you've seen the movie. ;) But if you have seen it, I'd like to hear your opinion on the movie as well.

Like I said in the last post, the movie as far as quality goes is not the best, but the content is just so provoking and brilliant and hits home in so many ways I can't stop watching it. It really does make me feel so not alone when I watch it. At the end of the movie I was like "She gets it, why can't everyone else?" But oh well, I'll get more into next time.

Until next time folks!

Bad Blogger

I know, I've been bad, avoiding an update again, I just haven't had much to say and haven't had the time and (________________) *feel free to fill in random excuse here.

But enough of excuses! I have sold my car!!! Woot! It was slow start when I moved it out front, but within a couple of days I had some interested parties. It came down to two people and the first one came in this morning to confirm he'd take it. Not only was he taking one, he was taking both cars! Both cars you ask? My cousin had the identical car only a year newer that had all good parts for the ones in mine that were bad so we decided to do both cars for one price. Yeah!! Now I can afford to do the rest of the work on my truck aka. new brakes, tune up etc...

Things at the store have been rather slow lately, I blame a lot on the weather because when weather gets good for a few days I get back to normal sales, that makes me feel better. We're still trucking away on the renovations and repairs like usual. The roof money might just make it to spring to finish the roof, then I'm not sure what I'll do. There are some exciting things coming hopefully this week that I will wait to announce because I'm not sure if it will happen this week or next so you'll have to stay tuned. :)

As far as my personal life there isn't much to talk about. Haven't done a whole lot, just a little visiting here and there, dinner out with people, the usual. Usually it's work work work, but every now and then I find time to have a little fun. I'm hoping to get out of town sometime in February, but I doubt it will happen, I'm planning a trip for March for a weekend down to Cinci, but I haven't heard yet if my vacation from Wendy's has been approved yet or not. It will be the longest I've gone without leaving town in quite sometime and I've already got the shakes.

I had a conversation a few weeks ago about all the traveling I do and I guess I never really thought it was all that weird, but apparently people don't do it all that much. I just can't stand to sit still for too long, and I enjoy experiencing new things, new people, I love road trips and I have so many friends all over the place that it's the only way I get to see them. I'm not the type of person to go on vacation for a few days and look forward to going home, I never have been. I could go 6 months spending the night at different places and be o.k....alright, well maybe not 6 months, but a weekend here or there isn't bad. I mean I'm single, why shouldn't I take advantage of the time and the lack of responsibilities?

I hate ruts, and what happens is I fall into one so easily around here, so every chance I get I like to shake things up. Sometimes it's driving 3 hours to spend the weekend lounging around a friend's house and doing nothing but playing games and visiting, but to me it's out of the ordinary and I really enjoy it. When I'm somewhere else I don't have to worry about things I should be getting done around the house, or bills I see laying on the desk, or anything like that, it's a vacation. Oh, just talking about it makes me want to get in the truck and take off!!

So anyway, how's everyone doing? Oh wait this is my blog so it's all about me! :) hmmm..... I'm really boring, you should have figured that out by now. lol.

Well sadly that's all I really have to say for now. I'm sure I've forgotten something since I last updated, but if I think of it, I'll be sure to post it.

Anyway, have a great week!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Prayers for Bobby

There has been a lot of discussion on the quality of the movie and the story in many of the gay blogs I read, many of them thinking it was badly done, bad writing, so on and so forth. I didn't watch it for them. This movie while it may not have been the highest quality movie I've ever seen, the writing is not the most direct etc... the movie was profound and quotes in this movie are still bouncing around in my brain and they comfort me, it's almost as if they answer questions I've had in my head, maybe not answer so much as I finally heard some things that were word for word in my head and it felt good.

I have so much to say on this blog, but I'm going to watch the movie again before I have to go to work so I can hear those things again and be able to put my thoughts into words either tonight or tomorrow. I just think more people should watch it.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Oh boy.

Went to Michigan today and while I had some of the same feelings of nostolgia that I normally get when I'm around the old neighborhood this time it came with a sense of hope.

I remember what it was like to be around the city, the driving, the people, the things to see and the things to do, it was wonderful. I can't wait to get back to it!! I had such a great day, we had a great dinner at Mongolian Bar-B-Que. If you've never been to one, you must go right away, they are fantastic!!! I got my parents hooked on them when they were visiting me in Michigan and it's been a family favorite ever since. I've already checked the Cinci area and found one fairly close, so I'll be fine with the move lol.

I also located an outlet mall with my favorite store Casual Male within an hour of Cinci, so that's good too. :) I spent more money than I was anticipating today, but it much needed. I bought 3 pairs of jeans, I've never had that many pairs that fit and I liked before!!! I'm so excited! Plus I got some new undies, two new shirts and a new belt. Oh it felt good!!! I can finally have some good clothes to wear again!! I haven't bought new jeans in a very long time, I had patched the 7 pairs I wore out and now I wore them out again, this time beyond repair.

The waiter that helped us today was so cute, and the grill guy was just so dang beautiful. He had the hottest blue eyes I've seen in a long time, everything about him was just breath taking. I hope no one noticed my oogling. lol.

Well anyway I'm going to watch my Sunday night t.v. and call it an early night, I'm hoping it will be a better week than last week!

I hate winter

So I get home from Wendy's tonight and hear what I thought was the washer running, I thought it was odd and went to investigate only to find water spraying all over the place. I run to the basement only to find a very large puddle on the floor and water dripping from the hallway above, try to find the shut off valves for that part of the water line and can't find them. I run back upstairs to the laundry room to trace the pipe again to notice it is hosing down my new drywall in the hallway and spreading water into the bathroom as well.

So I finally trace down the shut off valve in the store bathroom on the other side of the laundry room wall and shut off the water and go back to the laundry room to assess the damage. Everything is soaked including the two rugs, the towels that were waiting for the wash and my tool boxes are filled with water. We used really good paint in there so no water soaking into the drywall of the actual laundry room, but the cabinets are soaked, the floor has standing water and it's a mess.

I was just talking to my brother yesterday that I had to get the room cleaned out and up soon so we could finish painting and put down the carpet and baseboards....good thing we hadn't done it yet, and guess it was as good a time as any to clean it up and out. Just not what I wanted to do when I got home from work. It's mostly cleaned up, I'll have to finish tomorrow morning before I leave for Michigan. We're leaving at 9:30am, so much for sleeping in!

Tomorrow I'm going to Michigan to my favorite Big and Tall outlet store because my clothes need replaced badly. I have no jeans without holes in them, and holes in some very bad places, so I get to spend my gift cards and the few dollars I've managed to save and get some new clothes. My parents love road trips so they we are taking their car and making a day of it. It should be fun. Then Monday I get to help my brother replace the water line in the laundry room so I can do laundry this week.

Oy vey.

My aunt went into the hospital on Thursday night, she couldn't breath and didn't feel right and thought she was having a heart attack so she called the rescue squad and went to the hospital to find out she had pneumonia. She's doing better thank goodness. My poor aunt just can't catch a break, 18 months ago she lost her husband of 32 years, at the same time started fighting cancer, that she beat thank goodness. She moved to Ohio from New Jersey and sold the only house she's called home for 32 years to her daughter who just announced Wednesday that she was filing for divorce from her husband, the man that my aunt has relied on and loved like one of her own for the last 10 years. I just wonder when she's going to catch a break. I feel so bad for her.

On Saturday a very good friend of mine was having severe mental issues and was taken to the hospital and then transfer to a specialty psych. ward here in town. Her mother has the same mental issues but this struck hard and fast. The husband another very good friend of mine was devastated and didn't know where to turn. She's getting better, he'll be better tomorrow, but I have a feeling they are in for a long haul. This year has been rough on them and I think this was the breaking point, they will either get stronger together or they will fall apart, they are the only ones that can fix it. I can just pray for them.

It's been a hell of a week. Sales fell out of no where because of the -30 degree temperature and have left me in a not so healthy position, but it will be alright, somehow it always is. There are plans on the horizon, and the weather will turn back around, I'll survive because I'm a survivor.

Well anyway, need to get my tired butt to bed. Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday, January 12, 2009


So today I opened up my internet dating email, the address I use for only those services I still have profiles on and discovered to my surprise that Michael, the guy I was talking with awhile ago is back. I wrote about this on a few different occasions progressing from happy, nervous, to forget about it.

It seems he's been emailing many, many times a month both on my email hosted by the service as well as my personal email (well the one I gave him). Constant emails about wanting to talk again, how he's missed me, how he still wants to meet me, etc...

He really turned me off the last time we spoke, I knew it was building to that point, but just kept talking. He's just not my type. He was rather rude at times, talked to me like I was 10 when he's only 4 years older than me, and he had no sense of responsibility. He constantly talked about his ex. who he was still living with and threw a fit if he heard a radio or t.v. in the background when we spoke on the phone. All these things add up to not being my type.

I feel bad for the guy and the situation he's in, but he was doing nothing about changing it, just trying to find another sugar daddy, and I am SO not a sugar daddy. I explained to him that we wanted two very different things and in two very different parts of life and it wouldn't work. Well that kept him away for a little while, but in the last two or three months he's worked up into an email frenzy. It makes me glad he doesn't know much more about me, and glad I never caved and met him.

It's kind of creepy, but at the same time he doesn't know enough about me to find me, so oh well I guess. Why is it always the crazy's that can't get over me? Why can't I find someone sane to spend some time with? Maybe it's that "I love crazy" tatoo on my forehead....I really should have that removed.

So anyway, that's all from me for today. If you don't hear from me for a month or so, you'll know it was fatal attraction and he finally found me.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The internet and Milk

I have been thinking lately about what it has been so far in my generations time that was such a great discovery. If you think about previous generations they had electricity, the automobile, sliced bread, etc... I have been trying to figure out what it is in our generation that has rocked the world when I realized how fast the internet took over the world. When I was in elementary school we had computers, they were called systems 80 and they were so high tech. 10 buttons with cards to program them, oh boy, they were so much fun. lol. In high school I took a programing class on an Apple IIe, yeah, um, it was soon there after that the computers were destroyed and updated to IBM. It wasn't until I was in college in 95 or 96 when I got my very first email address. I had no idea what to do with it really because I only knew one person that had email, and that was my uncle.

The idea of the internet was so far from our minds. I grew up with a Tandy computer that came from Radio Shack and taught me to type and play games. We had our dot matrix printer that I would print my reports and papers off on to get extra points. I never would have imagined the things I do now on the computer, and how dependent I've become on the computer in just a short 13 years.

I use it for blogging, for research, to answer those random questions in my mind that drive me crazy and to keep in touch with long lost friends, or friends that moved away, and to also meet new people, get closer to new friends and to share my thoughts with the world. When I start to think about it, it's mind boggling.

But is it all good? With the exception of sliced bread, I think every innovative invention in the last 200 years has come with a price. The price of the internet? It's different with everyone. There is the person addicted to porn, the dangers to children by predators, the kids addicted to World of War Craft, and so many other things that I could list if I really thought about it. I watched my old boss destory his business because there was just too much information on the web to find every day, articles to read, that he forgot to do the work required to keep the business open. I have watched it destroy several marriages, and I have watched it hurt so many people.

Yet on the other side of the coin, some of the strongest marriages and relationships I've seen are because of the internet, I have reconnected and grown so close to people I haven't seen in years, I have met some of the most wonderful people that have become great friends on the internet, and I've seen people prosper because of the internet. To think all this and we have Al Gore to thank. LOL!!!!!

I guess it's just something that's been on my mind watching my brother spend so much more time on the internet than helping me, other people's use of the internet has become detremental to my life. How selfish huh? Yeah, well that's all I have to say about that.

Onto another subject......Harvey Milk.

Photo from this site.

I am very sad that I haven't known anything about Mr. Milk until about two or so months ago when I found the video I posted on this blog entry. It was around that time I found the trailers of the movie Milk that came out in December 2008.

Recently I found a website that you can view these screening movies while they are in the theatre, the quality is not that great, but I did get to see the movie. I must say this.... It.was.amazing.

I was a little leary about Sean Penn portraying Mr. Milk, but I guess he has made a few good films. He did a superb job in this movie, the writing, the accuracy, the story, it was all just so moving, so awe inspiring. By the end of the movie I was a wreck. To see what he did for the gay community, the stands he took against the populus, the statements he made and the lives he affected. How could anyone not know about this man? Talk about civil right movements! Harvey Milk not only changed the lives of the gay community, but he fought for all minorities, to try and get people to understand that we are all people, that there shouldn't be rights reserved for certain groups and not others. The man was amazing. His untimely death was so sad and I wonder what he could have done had he been able to live longer.

There is so much more I want to learn about Harvey Milk, I want to read his speaches, I want to watch the videos and I want to know more about him. This man inspired so many people, he moved them to new heights, I just can't even fully express what this movie did to me, to my mind, and to my heart. I can't wait until it's out on DVD so I can pick up the first copy and watch it again and again.

I was only able to find an excerpt of his now famous speech, I suggest watching the movie if you can, when you can and hear the speech in it's entirety.

"You see there is a major difference–and it remains a vital difference–between a friend and a gay person, a friend in office and a gay person in office. Gay people have been slandered nationwide. We’ve been tarred and we’ve been brushed with the picture of pornography. In Dade County, we were accused of child molestation. It’s not enough anymore just to have friends represent us. No matter how good that friend may be.

The black community made up its mind to that a long time ago. That the myths against blacks can only be dispelled by electing black leaders, so the black community could be judged by the leaders and not by the myths or black criminals. The Spanish community must not be judged by Latin criminals or myths. The Asian community must not be judged by Asian criminals or myths. The Italian community should not be judged by the mafia myths. And the time has come when the gay community must not be judged by our criminals and myths.

Like every other group, we must be judged by our leaders and by those who are themselves gay, those who are visible. For invisible, we remain in limbo–a myth, a person with no parents, no brothers, no sisters, no friends who are straight, no important positions in employment. A tenth of a nation supposedly composed of stereotypes and would-be seducers of children–and no offense meant to the stereotypes. But today, the black community is not judged by its friends, but by its black legislators and leaders. And we must give people the chance to judge us by our leaders and legislators. A gay person in office can set a tone, can command respect not only from the larger community, but from the young people in our own community who need both examples and hope.

The first gay people we elect must be strong. They must not be content to sit in the back of the bus. They must not be content to accept pablum. They must be above wheeling and dealing. They must be–for the good of all of us–independent, unbought. The anger and the frustrations that some of us feel is because we are misunderstood, and friends can’t feel that anger and frustration. They can sense it in us, but they can’t feel it. Because a friend has never gone through what is known as coming out. I will never forget what it was like coming out and having nobody to look up toward. I remember the lack of hope–and our friends can’t fulfill that.

I can’t forget the looks on faces of people who’ve lost hope. Be they gay, be they seniors, be they black looking for an almost-impossible job, be they Latins trying to explain their problems and aspirations in a tongue that’s foreign to them. I personally will never forget that people are more important than buildings. I use the word “I” because I’m proud. I stand here tonight in front of my gay sisters, brothers and friends because I’m proud of you. I think it’s time that we have many legislators who are gay and proud of that fact and do not have to remain in the closet. I think that a gay person, up-front, will not walk away from a responsibility and be afraid of being tossed out of office. After Dade County, I walked among the angry and the frustrated night after night and I looked at their faces. And in San Francisco, three days before Gay Pride Day, a person was killed just because he was gay. And that night, I walked among the sad and the frustrated at City Hall in San Francisco and later that night as they lit candles on Castro Street and stood in silence, reaching out for some symbolic thing that would give them hope. These were strong people, people whose faces I knew from the shop, the streets, meetings and people who I never saw before but I knew. They were strong, but even they needed hope.

And the young gay people in the Altoona, Pennsylvanias and the Richmond, Minnesotas who are coming out and hear Anita Bryant on television and her story. The only thing they have to look forward to is hope. And you have to give them hope. Hope for a better world, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a better place to come to if the pressures at home are too great. Hope that all will be all right. Without hope, not only gays, but the blacks, the seniors, the handicapped, the us’es, the us’es will give up. And if you help elect to the central committee and more offices, more gay people, that gives a green light to all who feel disenfranchised, a green light to move forward. It means hope to a nation that has given up, because if a gay person makes it, the doors are open to everyone.

So if there is a message I have to give, it is that if I’ve found one overriding thing about my personal election, it’s the fact that if a gay person can be elected, it’s a green light. And you and you and you, you have to give people hope. Thank you very much."

That's all for tonight.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A promised update

I find it very strange that I'm listening to the same soundtrack that I listened to for four months straight as I worked out my business plan every night after work and used as motivation as I started this business. It's a very strange feeling three years later knowing that in a matter of weeks I will be listing this place on the market, and hopefully within a year I'll be moving on to the next phase of my life. And every new adventure when I'm listening to this music it takes on new meaning, and yet keeps me moving forward. The soundtrack? Rent. It's my favorite of all of the musicals that I love. How could you just not love this music? "There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is your's to miss" I mean, wow, I just love it.

So anyway I promised Genia that I would update this blog with the care and thought I updated my other blog, and I hate to disappoint.

So New Year's eve S and I went out with two couples, two straight couples, and then two single men, one gay, and one confused. It was quite the night, of course S doesn't talk about his confusion unless there is alcohol involved, I understand more than he thinks, but that is neither here or there. What struck me as great was the feeling of being a couple, we sat together, we ordered appetizers together, it's so hard to explain the feelings I get when I feel like I'm part of a couple. I would really hate to classify these feelings as completing me for several reasons. For one, we are not a couple, while there are certain loving aspects that attract me to S, I know enough after 15 years to know it would never work, and I find his lack of emotions very disturbing and would not be able to deal with that. But as a friend I can live with it, because I know what's happening inside. The second reason is I would NEVER say that I needed someone else to help me feel complete in life, if I can't feel complete on my own then I'm not ready for love.

But anyway, it's just a nice feeling to spend an evening with a man I do really care about. Had we opened another bottle of wine I might have tackled him at midnight to get a kiss, but I contained myself for so many reasons that I won't really get into. S is the one that I have been trying to tell, but due to the lack of emotions and talking about real emotions I never even know if he's heard me the two times I've told him. Well I got confirmation later that evening that he has heard, he's paid attention and has followed me silently through this journey. We did not talk in specifics as we never do, but he no longer hides this life that he lives behind the scenes, the men he's been with, the people he talks to. We had a very good conversation about all of this and I threw in some tidbits of a life he's never known of, and while I've never had to come out and tell him in those exact words, he knows, and he doesn't care. Our friendship finds more depth at every year and yet neither one of us can ever admit it.

S recently lost his job. A job he has worked hard for and was thriving in. He lost his job because of a self admitted mistake and has been beating himself up over it, but he's dealing with it. What I have been enjoying is without the job all we're left to talk about is life. Usually when we get together we talk about work work work, once the booze had kicked in we'll discuss politics and life. Now without work he's left showing me bits of emotion, bits of caring and bits of sadness. He's been spending more time with me this week and it's been really nice. I've spent my life listening to everyone's problems but S never had problems...well at least that's what he's always said. Since he's unemployed he's been opening a little more about what he sees in his future, why he thinks the way he thinks, and why he acts the way he acts. It's been unreal how much has been shared over the last week.

I only wish people could see this side of him, the side that knows me, the side that isn't afraid to open up little by little to me. Most people only see a cocky young kid with no responsibilities. I just wish some of my other friends could ever know him the way I know him, and I wish I really knew the depths of how well he knows me, he surprises me more and more everyday.

But anyway, my point is, if I could combine certain things I have with S and merge them with a romantic relationship, I'd be in heaven. lol.

Anyway, on Sunday I was watching my absolute favorite show "Brothers and Sisters", don't ask me to explain why because I can't, but I know that I just can't stop watching and getting involved. It's just so well written. But anyway Sunday's episode had quite a bit to do with Kevin the gay son having dreams about his biological daughter/niece and it brings to surface his desire to have children. It sounds so cheesy, but it awakened something in my heart as well. Did I have a teary eyed realization that I want children more than anything in life? Hell no. What it did open up in my eyes was the possibility that I could meet a man with children, either from a marriage, or the dream of children. I was kind of shocked at myself when I actually thought about children in my life and didn't cringe.

Now keep in mind I find myself climbing the 30 ladder faster and faster every year and realize that eventually I'm going to find myself too old to chase after children. But then I think back to Six Feet Under and David and Keith adopted older children and raised them as their own, and think, hmmm.... Yeah, I was pretty shocked at my mind at that point.

I think it all started over the holidays. I found couples without children and they really had nothing to do, no one to visit except one another. A part of me found that alright, you can still have holidays with friends and that no matter where you are, you can always find a community to share with, but at the same time I wonder what it would be like to die with no one to pass things on to. Not only that, but no one to be there for you, to be the creepy old neighbor guy that never has visitors, or the neighbor that gets invited over because the neighborhood feels sorry for him for not having any family. I mean really, my brother won't have kids, and my sister is on a path not to have kids either, so I won't even have nieces or nephews. It's kind of weird to think about.

What do all these things mean to me? I have no freaking idea. I guess it just means it opened my mind to all possibilities, for right now....that's enough. I always think so far into the future that sometimes I forget about the present. So I'm not going to over think these ideas and thoughts in my head, I'm just going to let them be there and we'll see where life takes me. It just sure makes me realize just how old 31 can be.

Recently I've come to the conclusion that my obsession with Ian is dying out. I've sent a few messages to him about coming back to work, but have received no reply. I have no idea if the episodes of three weeks ago have anything to do with it, but I would hope if he had questions for me, he would respond to me. But what I'm finding out about myself, is I'm getting over it. I'm not even sure it would be the same if he came back tomorrow. Sure the sexual thoughts of my mind about him would come flying back, but lets face it, it doesn't take much for that to happen anymore.

They say they can't truly say how often a person thinks about sex because people aren't really honest. While that may be true, being honest, mine is shockingly high. There are days I condemn myself for how often these thoughts cross my mind, it's not just one person in particular, it's a list longer than I could ever write, because as I write it more names would pop into my head. Does this mean I'm a pervert? Maybe, but I know when to speak of them and when to not, and most of the time it's not.

Several years ago while I was still in college and talking with Danny he opened up a side of my mind that I wasn't sure even existed. I couldn't speak openly about it with anyone else and my mind would flood so badly I wouldn't be able to think straight, so I began writing them. It was my first online journal per say that no one could ever find again because I destroyed it. But before I did I submitted a few of these stories to a website that I don't care to ever mention to most people. They accepted stories like this and the readers rate them and comment on them and so on and so forth and when I checked recently one of the stories is in the top 10 of all time and the other is in the top 20. The website has been around for about 10 years or so now. I'm not really sure if has to do with the content or the writing or both, but either way I find it interesting and disturbing at the same time. My mind shocks me a lot. The ones that I would hand write were burned in a battle of the mind that Danny also opened up in me, much like this time.

Why did I mention that to people who I'm not sure ever really wanted to that about me? I don't know, because it's a year of honesty, well censored honesty at least. lol. In recent months I started a new private blog to get some of these thoughts out of my head because it really does help, but I find myself censoring myself even as I write onto a blog I know that no one in the world could ever find or read because it's not really the image I want to portray to random people, perhaps to the one I will eventually love, but probably things that most people don't need to know about me. lol. Just consider yourself lucky. :)

Well I'm not sure if this is a sufficient update for Genia, but it will do for now. There are a few other thoughts in this big empty head of mine, but nothing I can quite put to words yet. So I'm off to bed.

Monday, January 5, 2009

The year 2012

The other night on the History channel they talked about the end of times. The used the beliefs of scientists and biblical scholars as well as the words of the bible to debate whether the end is near or it's just a cosmic coincidence. It was very well written and showed that both sides could be right. I was left just confused about it.

I spend what I think is an abnormal amount of time thinking about the end of the world and death in general. I think because it's one of the biggest things in my faith that I question, what is it I believe? As a child I used to believe that once you die your body is nothing and your soul goes to heaven for judgment and to live eternally with the maker. But the more ideas I'm exposed to, the more people talk and the more I read I really wonder about the timing of things.

There are people that believe when you die your soul remains with your body until Jesus comes back to earth and raises the dead to enjoy the new heaven on earth because the only people (for the lack of a better term) that go to heaven are angels. Is this time period between death and the end of the world as we know it instantaneous to those that have passed? And what happens to those that have been cremated, where do their souls rest? They say the earth will be like heaven for 10,000 years, what happens after that? Do we start all over? Are we all reborn into a new world?

There are answers I can never find, things I won't know until the time comes, but it scares me. I have faith that my Lord will care for me and I know that it shouldn't be scary, but at the same time I'm always scared of the unknown. I like to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, and what's the hardest thing of all is to imagine that life is everlasting. Eternal life? I can't even begin to imagine what that's like.

My friend Leigh Ann and I once sat on her balcony in college and talked about these things and we both ended up with our eyes crossed and with headaches. It's so hard to imagine things that the human mind is not capable of understanding. To us, everything has an end, nothing continues forever. It's how we function, that at some point everything must end, and yet our faith tells us there is no end.

I've talked to many people who have talked about reincarnation. I have a friend who believes that you keep coming back to try and try again until you reach a point where you feel like you're fully happy. That the cycle does not end until you've achieved a happy and fulfilling life. I really have a hard time following that one. We are humans, there is no perfect life, and I think it's more about the experiences than it is anything else. So that theory I can put out of my mind, because if I get the option of coming back or spending eternity with my maker? Why would I come back?

There are so many interpretations of what the afterlife is like, what it's about, but which one do you believe in?

To be honest, the one thing that scares me the most, my biggest fear that is partly my battle with my faith most times in my if we're wrong? I can usually put an end to this because I fully believe that life is not some cosmic accident, that we were created with a purpose and that there is life after death. I refuse to believe that we are just living organisms that are capable of love, capable of thoughts, capable of all we are capable of for just a few short years in the span of time, and nothing else. But there is always that part of me, that little corner of my brain with the questions that thinks.....what if I'm wrong.

It's days like this that really make me crazy. To be honest it has been rolling around in my head for weeks now. Mostly because I ask myself this question every day....
"If this is the end of times, are you ready? Are you ready to pick up your cross and follow him?" What will I say when it comes time to be judged? What will my answers be? It is human nature to excuse yourself for one reason or another, but when you are face to face with God, there are no excuses, there is no reasoning, it's just full unadulterated truth. Can I handle that?

There are things I've done in my life that I am ashamed of, and the last few years I'm starting to let go of because I've begged for forgiveness and I've not repeated the actions and I know what was right and what was wrong, and I'm finally forgiving myself. But trying to imagine all these things replayed again at judgment? I'm so thankful for the love and grace that God provides because by human standards we'd all be screwed.

I do worry and am scared that the end is near. I do believe in my heart that it is possible that all the things I see are true and Revelations is being played out before our eyes, but I worry that when the time comes to take sides and stand up for God and fight against the evil that I won't feel myself worthy of fighting. But then again, maybe I am ready, but won't let myself believe it until the time is near. I would like to think I would chose death over the mark of the beast, that I would be strong enough to make that decision, that this headfull of doubt will be gone, it will be removed, and nothing will be left except my love and devotion to God.

I just don't know what it's all about, I don't know how to process these thoughts and ideas, but what I do know is they provoke me to search out more. It makes me stronger in the end.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The month of December

What a month, I already blogged my updates on my other blog, I don't really want to recant them all over again, and since about the only people that know about this blog already know about the other, I can post the link. For those that only read this blog, and I've discovered one or two of them, shhhhh.....I'm in the closet.

Not that is should be a shock, but anyway.

The dinner party I spoke about both on this blog and the other blog was so fascinating. Tracey and Doug were a freaking riot! They've been together for 14 years, they just amaze me. They share a last name because as Tracey said, back then gay rights weren't a big deal, and also non existent so Tracey just went in and legally changed his last name to Doug's last name. Tracey said they put both their names on everything so if one dies the other one is already the legal owner of whatever it is they own. He said they are very cautious about the decisions they make and have to think about the legal repercussions of what they do. I had an interesting conversation with them about that, Tracey said in this little town they have to really think about things like that. They recently bought a business together and have been accepted in the community of the business, and that really blew my mind away. The business is in a smaller community than what we live in already!

It was quite the conversations I had, two gay couples telling me about their lives, neither one believe in covering anything up or lying to people. I just can't even recant what all was said and the profound impact it had on my mind and in my heart. I'm pretty sure at least one of the couple's know I'm gay, but I never said it, I will someday, but it just wasn't the time.

Just wasn't the time, how many times have I written that over the last year? About a dozen come to mind, when will that end? When will I be able to stop typing that? I'm so tired of somedays and eventually. But while the business is still mine, things are too touchy and they balance on the head of pin, so I do what I have to for now.

Alright, I waited so long to update this blog that I'm running out of steam, it's time for bed. This one will have to wait for another day.

Updates long over due...

Wow, it has been a little while since I've written anything substantial. I've had things in my head for weeks that are long gone, and some that are reoccurring.

Christmas was quite a whirlwind of activity, one that I'm just now starting to recover from! On the business side, the month of December has been very good to me, something I could actually get used to. I managed to pay most of my bills this month! To top things off I ran my yearly reports for the accountant and found that the business actually profited this year! It's really kind of scary because I have NO idea where it went, but by the time we get done with our write offs I'll be back in the poor house. lol. But anyway, December had me up late, running myself ragged and I'm glad it's over.

Christmas eve was nice as in I got to close early after an exhausting day. I then met up with some friends of mine and had christmas with their family and we played cards for quite awhile. It was like Christmas should be, it felt really good to be a part of it. That night I attended our awesome candlight service with the family, it's one of my favorite services, and honestly the first service I've been there in awhile. I'm ashamed I haven't been there in so long, but my body has not been adjusting very well to these countless hours and Sundays have been my day to rest. But the service was wonderful.

Christmas Day I usually attend the service, but my body did not let me move. I could not force myself out of bed to save my life. I had a acumulative total of 6 hours of sleep in the last 5 days and I just couldn't do it. I woke up sad and disappointed in myself for allowing physical needs get in the way of one day, one service, one hour to give to God, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I beat myself up for quite awhile over that, and sometimes I still do. It has unleashed moments of anger towards myself even a week later. I has me thinking quite a bit about balance, and my life is anything but, but I'll get into that later.

I did manage to make it my parents for lunch. We had our usual Christmas dinner and I had a great time just relaxing with the family and enjoying being with them. No store, no deadlines, no orders, no bills, just plain regular old family time. I get so little of that, it was nice. Later in the afternoon I stopped off at a friend's house and attended a little dinner party they were having. I had a very good time and met a few new people. After that I came home and just relaxed, I allowed myself some time to regenerate and just be. I needed it.

For new years this year I decided to go out. Last year I enjoyed spending it by myself and home alone, but this year I was asked to go out to dinner with some friends, so I went. The night went well, no drama, no couple's fighting, none of the usual activities that happen when I attend events with couples, so I was happy. We went to dinner at a place called Tea Tree, it's an elegant oriental place with a fantastic sushi bar. It was a bit over priced, but I enjoyed it all the same, I'm just not used to paying for a nice dinner anymore, I gave that up three years ago when I quit my money making job. It felt nice to pamper myself.

After dinner we headed back to Scott's to have a few drinks and bring in the new year. Little did we know that the couples that were there didn't plan on staying until midnight, so by 10:30 the two single guys were left staring at each other. We talked quite a bit and had a few more drinks, then a couple of other friends came over, and we had a few more drinks. I got home later than I anticipated and was very bored the next day while I was open. I really shouldn't have been open because no one leaves the house on New Year's Day, next year I'll remember that and take a day off.

All in all it's been pretty wild, I've been double booked nearly every night that I haven't been working, which aren't that many. It seems like everyday I'm not working I have to fill with people to see and things to do. This weekend I left open on purpose, I avoided making plans and I avoided comitting myself to doing anything but being home.

While I was living in Michigan there were so many weekends I had to myself, to do what I wanted, when I wanted and I could spend time regenerating. There were weekends I went out with friends, and weekends I stayed home and took care of myself. The last three years I've lost that time, time for myself. I have so little free time these days I find myself bouncing from friend to friend, from family to friends, from one event to another. I find myself feeling guilty because I haven't seen someone in awhile so I'll plan to see them, and then the next weekend I feel guilty beccause I missed so and so, and then there are new friends that want me to stop by and I find it difficult to carve out time for that too. I'm just constantly running all the time and I end up losing myself in the mess.

My house is nothing like I prefer to keep it because I don't have the time, and when the house is a mess, my mind is a mess and then my life becomes a mess. In the last week while I've been sick I've been trying to dodge people and I've managed to get my living room and my kitchen clean and suddenly my work is done on time and I can think clearly. I still have a few more rooms to get done, but they'll have to wait. Today I had to drive to Toledo through the fog to get stock for the store, then had to meet the bowling team to watch them bowl (another guilt trip) and then they tried to talk me into going out, or hosting them all, I don't know how, but I found my way out of it all. I opted to use the time for me. :)

It's not that I wouldn't enjoy having the bowling team over, but not in my house. My house is not guest ready, I'm still embaressed, and I'm very uncomfortable about having parties at my house because it's like an open buffet for people. People slip out and grab a drink, or they make themselves a sandwich, or grab a beer, all out of the store, and I already paid for it once, to lose that kind of profit in this kind of business drives me crazy. If it was in my house and I had bought it for personal use, then by all means, but don't go out and eat my profit, that really gets to me. I don't keep food or drink in the house, so I don't like to have people over, yet it's so hard to get people to see that.

So anyway, I was asked today about a New Year's resolution, and to be honest, I tried to think of some, I really did. But what I find is I never make them happen, so this year I told myseld I would just promise to try. I'm going to try and get healthier this year. To make better food choices, to monitor the foods and amounts of those foods I eat. In doing this I may or may not lose weight, it's not going to be the goal, the goal is to get healthier. Whenever I tell myself I'm out lose weight, I fail, so this year I'm just going to start paying attention. The other suggestion I've made to myself is to be more of myself. To stop caring so much about what others are going to think and start being more of myself around more people. To stop beating around the bush if they piss me off, or if they are doing something hurtful to me or people I care about. Life is too short to not be.

Where will these things take me? I'm hoping for a very eventful year. I have these ideas and plans in my head that I'm hoping take place this year, but if they don't I won't be crushed, I hate to set myself up for that. I'm just going to continue to roll with the punches and take life head on. This is my life.

How's that for an update Jake? I hope the length and context makes up for the lack of updates during the month of December. lol. :)