I find it very strange that I'm listening to the same soundtrack that I listened to for four months straight as I worked out my business plan every night after work and used as motivation as I started this business. It's a very strange feeling three years later knowing that in a matter of weeks I will be listing this place on the market, and hopefully within a year I'll be moving on to the next phase of my life. And every new adventure when I'm listening to this music it takes on new meaning, and yet keeps me moving forward. The soundtrack? Rent. It's my favorite of all of the musicals that I love. How could you just not love this music? "There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is your's to miss" I mean, wow, I just love it.
So anyway I promised Genia that I would update this blog with the care and thought I updated my other blog, and I hate to disappoint.
So New Year's eve S and I went out with two couples, two straight couples, and then two single men, one gay, and one confused. It was quite the night, of course S doesn't talk about his confusion unless there is alcohol involved, I understand more than he thinks, but that is neither here or there. What struck me as great was the feeling of being a couple, we sat together, we ordered appetizers together, it's so hard to explain the feelings I get when I feel like I'm part of a couple. I would really hate to classify these feelings as completing me for several reasons. For one, we are not a couple, while there are certain loving aspects that attract me to S, I know enough after 15 years to know it would never work, and I find his lack of emotions very disturbing and would not be able to deal with that. But as a friend I can live with it, because I know what's happening inside. The second reason is I would NEVER say that I needed someone else to help me feel complete in life, if I can't feel complete on my own then I'm not ready for love.
But anyway, it's just a nice feeling to spend an evening with a man I do really care about. Had we opened another bottle of wine I might have tackled him at midnight to get a kiss, but I contained myself for so many reasons that I won't really get into. S is the one that I have been trying to tell, but due to the lack of emotions and talking about real emotions I never even know if he's heard me the two times I've told him. Well I got confirmation later that evening that he has heard, he's paid attention and has followed me silently through this journey. We did not talk in specifics as we never do, but he no longer hides this life that he lives behind the scenes, the men he's been with, the people he talks to. We had a very good conversation about all of this and I threw in some tidbits of a life he's never known of, and while I've never had to come out and tell him in those exact words, he knows, and he doesn't care. Our friendship finds more depth at every year and yet neither one of us can ever admit it.
S recently lost his job. A job he has worked hard for and was thriving in. He lost his job because of a self admitted mistake and has been beating himself up over it, but he's dealing with it. What I have been enjoying is without the job all we're left to talk about is life. Usually when we get together we talk about work work work, once the booze had kicked in we'll discuss politics and life. Now without work he's left showing me bits of emotion, bits of caring and bits of sadness. He's been spending more time with me this week and it's been really nice. I've spent my life listening to everyone's problems but S never had problems...well at least that's what he's always said. Since he's unemployed he's been opening a little more about what he sees in his future, why he thinks the way he thinks, and why he acts the way he acts. It's been unreal how much has been shared over the last week.
I only wish people could see this side of him, the side that knows me, the side that isn't afraid to open up little by little to me. Most people only see a cocky young kid with no responsibilities. I just wish some of my other friends could ever know him the way I know him, and I wish I really knew the depths of how well he knows me, he surprises me more and more everyday.
But anyway, my point is, if I could combine certain things I have with S and merge them with a romantic relationship, I'd be in heaven. lol.
Anyway, on Sunday I was watching my absolute favorite show "Brothers and Sisters", don't ask me to explain why because I can't, but I know that I just can't stop watching and getting involved. It's just so well written. But anyway Sunday's episode had quite a bit to do with Kevin the gay son having dreams about his biological daughter/niece and it brings to surface his desire to have children. It sounds so cheesy, but it awakened something in my heart as well. Did I have a teary eyed realization that I want children more than anything in life? Hell no. What it did open up in my eyes was the possibility that I could meet a man with children, either from a marriage, or the dream of children. I was kind of shocked at myself when I actually thought about children in my life and didn't cringe.
Now keep in mind I find myself climbing the 30 ladder faster and faster every year and realize that eventually I'm going to find myself too old to chase after children. But then I think back to Six Feet Under and David and Keith adopted older children and raised them as their own, and think, hmmm.... Yeah, I was pretty shocked at my mind at that point.
I think it all started over the holidays. I found couples without children and they really had nothing to do, no one to visit except one another. A part of me found that alright, you can still have holidays with friends and that no matter where you are, you can always find a community to share with, but at the same time I wonder what it would be like to die with no one to pass things on to. Not only that, but no one to be there for you, to be the creepy old neighbor guy that never has visitors, or the neighbor that gets invited over because the neighborhood feels sorry for him for not having any family. I mean really, my brother won't have kids, and my sister is on a path not to have kids either, so I won't even have nieces or nephews. It's kind of weird to think about.
What do all these things mean to me? I have no freaking idea. I guess it just means it opened my mind to all possibilities, for right now....that's enough. I always think so far into the future that sometimes I forget about the present. So I'm not going to over think these ideas and thoughts in my head, I'm just going to let them be there and we'll see where life takes me. It just sure makes me realize just how old 31 can be.
Recently I've come to the conclusion that my obsession with Ian is dying out. I've sent a few messages to him about coming back to work, but have received no reply. I have no idea if the episodes of three weeks ago have anything to do with it, but I would hope if he had questions for me, he would respond to me. But what I'm finding out about myself, is I'm getting over it. I'm not even sure it would be the same if he came back tomorrow. Sure the sexual thoughts of my mind about him would come flying back, but lets face it, it doesn't take much for that to happen anymore.
They say they can't truly say how often a person thinks about sex because people aren't really honest. While that may be true, being honest, mine is shockingly high. There are days I condemn myself for how often these thoughts cross my mind, it's not just one person in particular, it's a list longer than I could ever write, because as I write it more names would pop into my head. Does this mean I'm a pervert? Maybe, but I know when to speak of them and when to not, and most of the time it's not.
Several years ago while I was still in college and talking with Danny he opened up a side of my mind that I wasn't sure even existed. I couldn't speak openly about it with anyone else and my mind would flood so badly I wouldn't be able to think straight, so I began writing them. It was my first online journal per say that no one could ever find again because I destroyed it. But before I did I submitted a few of these stories to a website that I don't care to ever mention to most people. They accepted stories like this and the readers rate them and comment on them and so on and so forth and when I checked recently one of the stories is in the top 10 of all time and the other is in the top 20. The website has been around for about 10 years or so now. I'm not really sure if has to do with the content or the writing or both, but either way I find it interesting and disturbing at the same time. My mind shocks me a lot. The ones that I would hand write were burned in a battle of the mind that Danny also opened up in me, much like this time.
Why did I mention that to people who I'm not sure ever really wanted to that about me? I don't know, because it's a year of honesty, well censored honesty at least. lol. In recent months I started a new private blog to get some of these thoughts out of my head because it really does help, but I find myself censoring myself even as I write onto a blog I know that no one in the world could ever find or read because it's not really the image I want to portray to random people, perhaps to the one I will eventually love, but probably things that most people don't need to know about me. lol. Just consider yourself lucky. :)
Well I'm not sure if this is a sufficient update for Genia, but it will do for now. There are a few other thoughts in this big empty head of mine, but nothing I can quite put to words yet. So I'm off to bed.