Friday, January 30, 2009

Will I ever be Free again?

In Prayers for Bobby he reads through his journal and one of the lines he read was this:
"I wonder if I'll ever be free again"

The line came from when he was talking about dreaming. He used to dream about flying, and suddenly since his realization how he became afraid to fly in his dreams. Afraid he would run into power lines and how painful it would be. He was talking about being free from telling lies, free from being someone others wanted him to be. Free to tell the truth, freedom to be who he is without feeling dirty, or ashamed, or cast away from society.

I know I am far from the only person in this world that feels that way. All the years I spent totally alone in the closet I felt the same way, granted I could never quite verbalize it like that, it was true all the same. Few people can understand the confines of the lies, the feeling you get when they leave your lips, how awful you feel for lying to people you care about. What it's like to say things you don't mean, knowing full well that eventually when the truth comes out these people will be devastated at the lies you've told over the years.

I wonder if that's part of the reason that coming out of the closet is so difficult. To relate it to something I find so related is an episode of "How I met your mother" I refer to it as the glass shattering episode. In the episode people call attention to behaviors you don't see in your significant other, but after they mention it you notice it and you hear glass shattering because your illusions of that person are now gone. I relate this to coming out of the closet because the person they thought they knew, suddenly doesn't exist...well at least to their minds.

There are two types of glass shattering moments, moments of clarity and moments of horrifying truth. I've only experienced the first of the two. When my friend L found out it was a glass shattering moment of clarity. Every conversation and situation we had been through in our 8 years of knowing each other suddenly made more sense. The other I'm so afraid of that it keeps me in the closet that much longer. The one where people feel I've been lying to them my whole life and that they really know nothing about who I am. Honestly this is true for some people, they really have no idea who I really am, but it's really not all their fault, it's mine too, but that's a whole other story. I'm more worried about the people that really know me, but will wonder what else I've lied about in my life.

My family. I have been very honest with them and for the most part they know who I am, what I'm capable of, but how do you get them to see that there is just a small part of me I keep secret, but that everything else is the truth? It's terrifying to think that I'm going to have to have that conversation with my parents some day. Why is it straight kids don't have to talk about their sexual lives with their parents? It's just assumed with them, why do I need to? I think I'll just find a really great guy, show up on their door step and introduce him as my boy friend! yeah, that will go over well. lol.

The PFLAG lady that talks to Bobby's mom mentions that all mothers know. They may not realize they know, but they know that their kid have always been different. I know I was that kid, I was always different from the other kids, I thought differently, I didn't participate in the same things and I wasn't interested in the same things. It's not that I was playing dress up at the age of 12 or playing with barbies as a kid, but I also didn't play with G.I. Joe. My toy was He-man, who you would think would be a masculine toy, but honestly, who couldn't love toys that were 98% men without shirts? I mean hello? :-O lol.

I also spent more time with girls than guys, I felt more comfortable being in a friendship with girls, for the most part I still do. When I was a kid I spent a week with the neighbor girl who was teaching me to twirl a batton. Yeah, that was me. It wasn't so much the batton or how it looked, it more about the challenge of something new, I wanted to know how to do it because it was fascinating and after I got the hang of it, I was done with it. I was no champ, but I could twirl pretty dang good if I do say so myself.

I was the kid that would rather sit around with the adults listening than out playing football with the rest of the kids. I was the kid learning how to weave, and then running out to play cops and robbers in the neighborhood, I just wasn't like the rest of them. I know my mother saw it, I know my mother deep down already knows and has probably discussed it with my father. I know deep down inside that they will feel a loss, or fell hurt, but I know deep down that they will still love me. But there is a part of me that thinks I could be very wrong and it could blow up in my face and I'll be faced with a decision, to be who I am and not be comfortable around my family ever again, or hide who I am and continue to lie to the people I love the most.

I have no idea how to end this post, so I'm just going to end it because it's late and I should have been in bed an hour ago, good thing I got an hour nap after I closed up tonight! lol.


  1. A quote to share:

    "When liberty is taken away by force it can be restored by force. When it is relinquished voluntarily by default it can never be recovered." -Dorothy Thompson

    Don't give up your freedom. You have a God given right to it.

  2. Eventually, P, those who matter will realize that this is but a facet of the entire you. The entire you whom they already know and love.

    There may be some hurt feelings do to the deceitfulness that comes along with being in the closet for so long. That might lead to some trust issues.

    Once they figure out you are still an intrinsically honest person though, that will melt away too.

    I hate giving you these "not always" stories, but it's important to get balanced info, so I do it anyway...

    As for "all mothers knowing", that's not always the case. Mine swears she had no clue, and due to the circumstances of our relationship and her particular beliefs, she doesn't consider them "missed signals" at all.

    I do know quite a few people in my life aside from her though, that DO prove this theory fairly valid. They all basically smack their foreheads and go, "DUH! How did I not see this?!"

    And since you didn't tie up the end of your post all neat-like, I won't tie up my comment either. Thanks for easing the pressure!