Sunday, September 13, 2009

More random thoughts.....by me. :)

It's been a little while since I've updated, I'm having issues with time right now, learning how to manage it and all. lol. I'm also very uncomfortable in front of my home computer because of my office chair being broken in half, so I don't sit there as much as I should. Today though I had to prepare an order for the morning and now I'm watching 49 pounds of Ribeye sandwiches thaw out, so I decided to make use of my office computer, the faster and more comfortable of the two. lol.

I've been amazed over the last two weeks at the comments, emails, messages, phone calls, and hear say that I've been hearing and receiving. People have stopped me to tell me how much happier I look, how much more rested I look and what a completely different person I've become in the last three weeks. My own parents made the comment it was nice to have me back. While I could feel this change within me, I never realized I showed so much of it on the outside!?! I was talking to one of my coworkers today who talked to me about it that I really do feel different, I feel as if I found my old self again. My old self being the happy smiley guy that makes people laugh and is so friendly!

Since the changing of the store hours and such I'm amazed at how rested I feel, how much energy I find in myself and how easy some things are coming to me again. I really can see things differently, I hope differently, I wish differently, I interact differently. I enjoy this so much! I didn't really realize how fast I lost all that when I was running the store full time, I never fully understood everything it took out of me, until this last year. I noticed how snarky I was getting, how short I got with people at even a slight mention of this place, and I'm so glad it's gone......that mood that is, the store is still here. lol.

I have been feeling good, I have felt God working within me again, and I can see how well he's taking care of me during this transition. I can actually hear and fully listen to what God has been telling me now, I've been allowing him to dig deeper into my heart to help me heal all these wounds I've so bitterly buried in dirt and lemon juice. Why lemon juice? Because even though I buried them so deeply in the sand, they still burned and itched without me even knowing why. It's a tough analogy, but I'm sticking with it. ;)

I'm glad people can see the difference, because it is so hard for me to explain what changed, or how I feel so different. No one could ever really understand what the last three years has been like, no one can truly feel the effects the last 9 years has had on me. They watched it and seen the effects, but no one can every really know what it feels like. My mom asked me what it's like and I told her it's like I'm on vacation. I'm still working 49 hours a week on average, but it is really like a real vacation for me. I told her this is how I feel when I am in Cincinnati, and she finally understood so much of what I've been trying to explain to her.

This past week I got to talk to my pastor for a bit, I had some drawings shipped to my mom's office at the church and went to pick them up and while there he asked to see the drawings. He asked me a lot of questions, not all pertaining to the drawings, some just about life in general. He kept asking, Why Cincinnati? And to be honest, besides having some really great friends there, I don't have an answer. I have great friends all over the country, but on that drive home from one of my trips after Bethany and I talked about me possibly moving, I prayed, and I prayed, and I asked God, and I still can't explain it, but I feel like it's where I should be going next. I told my mom during lunch one day I don't know if that's where I'll stay forever, or if I'll be there for a few years, or what will happen there, I just know that's my next move.

Having a roommate again is something I never thought I would want, and it's going to be different, but I'm looking forward to it. Moving 3 hours away from my family is not something I ever thought I would do again, but it feels right. Somethings in life just can't be explained, I just know there is something there for me, something I've dreamt about without knowing what it is. I told my pastor that Napoleon felt like a pair of pants that were now two sizes too small, they were fine when I was smaller, but now that I've grown I just don't fit into them anymore.

Anyway, enough with the heavy stuff. :)

So a couple of weeks ago my friend Norm came into the store for his usual purchases which includes a box of his favorite wine. I told him I had to stop by and drop off my dad's computer to be fixed by his partner Norm and he was so excited I was actually coming over without a party invitation. lol. They have been after me to just stop by and visit with them, but with my old schedule it was just never a good time. Well now with Tuesday's being my only day at the store I have the night off from my full time job and it was going to work out great. I went over dropped off the computer and while I was standing in the dining room talking to Ron I hear Norm call out from the patio off the basement that the cocktails are being served. lol. I head on down there thinking I'd stay for a drink or two, have some great conversation and I'd be off for home. Well one led to two, and so on and so forth and the three of us were on the patio for at least 3 hours before we finally headed into the family room where Ron had set up a series of movies they wanted to show me. They were some really off the wall cult classics and we laughed hysterically until well into the morning. It was around 2:30am before I was ready to go, but being in no condition to drive I crashed on the couch.

We've since turned this into a regular Tuesday thing. Norm said they really enjoy my company and have such a good time, and I too have so much fun and enjoy their company. They are what I thought was 1 of 2 gay couples in Naptown, but they shared stories of years gone by of quite a different little town. To hear the names they were using and the places, and the things that have gone on, it's quite a different place than I imagined! They have lived quite interesting lives so far, and have been together for 29 years this year. They are not quite the couple I thought they were, but to see them interact is so amazing. To see the love they share gives me such hope for the future. To see 29 years of history and still see how they are today, I'm always just so amazed.

I have yet to actually tell them flat out that I'm gay, and I'm not sure why. I'm fairly certain that they know, and are probably just waiting for me to say, but I still haven't. I don't want to make a big deal about it, I'm going to just casually drop it into conversation sometime and see if they react at all. I'm not afraid to tell them, it just hasn't come up yet. I think a part of me is still a little paranoid about telling anyone in town with the way word travels around here, but I trust them more than I did before, our friendships have deepened I believe. I hope we continue our Tuesday night adventures into the world of bad movies and funny stories because they are something I've come to really look forward too.

If you've never caught a Jon Waters film, and I'm sure you have, you just haven't lived. lol. Jon Waters did the film Hairspray and a slew and plethora of other films, but the cult classics are the ones no one talks about, they really aren't for everyone as I think most of my friends would be horrified by some of them, but I found them utterly hilarious and contain lines that haunt you and come to you and some of the strangest times. lol. He used many of the same crew of actors and actresses in them so it just gets funnier. Divine Davenport is one of main reoccurring actors, she was a pretty big transvestite in the 70's and made tons of bad movies.

So anyway things are on the go here. Still trying to get the place sold, but still working in the mean time. While the constant kid drama at the other job gets to me some days I am able to leave it at work and come home and enjoy a life, and it's been great.

2 comments:

  1. Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about!

    A relaxed, low-stress, light tension life!

    I wish I had a store to sell so I could relax, too!!!!

    And how awesome is it that you get to go hang out with friends on Tuesday nights? You get the interaction you used to miss because you never had time, AND you're still not spending a whole lot of money to do it!!!

    I'm so happy fer u!!!!

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  2. Roommates :fistpump:
    I can't freakin wait.
    Besides, if you end up moving into the basement you'll basically have your own mini house within a house anyway, I'm never down there except to do laundry :)

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