Freedom comes from Confinement

So coming to the cabin was a still a good idea. I think it was good to get away by myself to realize I don't particularly care to be by myself all the time. I think I need a little more of it than what I have but I like living with Bethany, I like working around the house, I want to get back into some creative hobbies and start to open up the creative side of my brain again.  I found I don't care for nature all that much. I went walking through the woods on some trails and some of them were washed out, some where muddy and I ran into so many spider webs and got grossed out.  I had enough of rough nature. I'll take metro parks over this stuff.  I like paved paths and parking lots.  I did however enjoy the freedom to take my shirt off and get some sun. It got really hot and I prefer tanning in a pool but it was nice to lay out without thinking someone was going to walk up on me any minute.  While I'm comfortable with my body, I'm not comfortable with people I know see

 So 10 years has passed since my last blog entry. 10 long and crazy wonderful years.  While I struggle everyday with the passing of time I know I've grown so much in the last 10 years.  I have switched jobs multiple times, found myself in incredibly toxic places but fought my way out.  I have started meds to help balance the crazy and started therapy too.   I can't say that the feelings from that post 10 years ago are long gone but they are certainly kept at bay now.  Recently when my meds were not working I fell back into that mess, I didn't think I measured up in anyway but weight.  I felt as if I was failing my best friend in supporting her, failing at my job, failing at all friendships and I felt like I was sinking.  I was ready to to just disappear, that's not to say I was suicidal, I fear death above all else, but I wanted to just disappear into the background, sink into the ether and stop failing people.  I started looking into booking a cabin. A place I could di