10 years

 So 10 years has passed since my last blog entry. 10 long and crazy wonderful years.  While I struggle everyday with the passing of time I know I've grown so much in the last 10 years.  I have switched jobs multiple times, found myself in incredibly toxic places but fought my way out.  I have started meds to help balance the crazy and started therapy too.  

I can't say that the feelings from that post 10 years ago are long gone but they are certainly kept at bay now.  Recently when my meds were not working I fell back into that mess, I didn't think I measured up in anyway but weight.  I felt as if I was failing my best friend in supporting her, failing at my job, failing at all friendships and I felt like I was sinking.  I was ready to to just disappear, that's not to say I was suicidal, I fear death above all else, but I wanted to just disappear into the background, sink into the ether and stop failing people. 

I started looking into booking a cabin. A place I could disappear for a week and not fail anyone for just a week and maybe it would recenter my soul to allow me to find my way back.  It was at this time I thought that perhaps my meds were off and not working anymore.  It had been a year and a half since I was taking them and I hadn't felt like this in a long time.  I discussed it with Bethany as well as my therapist and they felt it was time to discuss with my doctor.  My therapist did say that I was working up to a break through or a break down as the signs were similar and recommended talking to the doctor. lol.

After getting my meds adjusted I still had a strong feeling that I wanted to still do the trip. Most of this year has been hosting, entertaining and spending my time taking care of others. These are things I wanted to do, these are things I enjoyed doing but I have not had much control of my time and I've started to lose myself.  So I booked the trip for just a couple of days and alone.  I'm here in the cabin and blogging, my therapist suggested journaling more and I like being able to look back and typing makes my thoughts legible. 

I have noticed already that I do better with structure. I had no plans and I keep asking myself what I'm doing next.  I woke up this morning, had breakfast, sat in the hot tub, took a nap already but now I'm sitting here wondering...what do I do next?  I went away so I didn't have projects to work on and I can learn to live with silence, or understand I don't have to be doing something every minute of everyday.  I don't know how to live like that. 

We shall see how this all goes but drinks in the hot tub last night was a good start. 

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