Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I'm still alive

For those that read this and no other blog, I'm still alive!

Between the store, my other work schedule, and the house I'm working on I'm just plain exhausted to post much these days. I've been sick and the only babble that comes out when I talk sounds like a bunch of whining, and I don't even want to listen to it! lol.

But I promise hopefully I'll get to a post before next year...aka Thursday, but I'm not promising, it's going to be pretty crazy between now and then yet too!

Better get back to work.

miss you all!

Monday, December 29, 2008

The heart

Why is it that it is always when you're sick and you're run down that the heart cries the most?

Is it self pitty while being sick?

Or could it be your needs are most exposed and you feel even more alone than any other time?

This cold/upper respiratory infection has been dragging me along for only a few days now and it seems my heart is crying more now than ever before.

Not just for someone to make me soup, or to put their cool hands on my warm forehead, but it cries for God, it cries for companionship, and it seems to point out all my downfalls of late. It points out what's missing in my life, but I don't have the energy or mental capacity to take stock or work on it.

I hate being sick, have I mentioned that?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A very Merry Christmas

Besides being exhausted from a very busy week, I'm very happy with Christmas, I wish I had closed for tomorrow as well as I'm really not done enjoying my holiday. :)

It's a short post because I have yet to wrap presents for my family when we get together tomorrow night, but I did get to attend a small dinner party with what I thought was the one gay couple in town, turns out they know the other gay couple in town. It was a freaking riot. I laughed so hard I nearly cried!

I'm sure I have more to say, but I need to start wrapping.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to post and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas this year. May the season bring you love and happiness.......and some fun stuff too. lol.

I would also like to share a couple of stories with you to start out the holiday right.

TRUE story #1:
And gentleman came into the store this morning and the following conversation took place:

customer: Oh you have Tamales! (reading the package) Pork Tamales by Tia's Mexican Food

Me: they sell really well

customer: Do they have pork in them?

Me: stunned silence......uh, yes, that's why they are called Pork Tamales

customer: Oh, I just thought it might be a clever name, do you make them?

Me: stunned silence, mouth slightly agape......uh no, that would be Tia's Mexican Foods

customer: oh, I thought that was part of the name.

Me: sounds of me slamming my head in the cooler door.

yes, things like this really happen.

TRUE story #2.
This took place last week just as my mother finished our christmas wish on our reader board out in front of the store. I had just finished with one customer and headed over to the deli to help the next customer, but on my way I wished the last customer a Merry Christmas on their way out. As I started to slice the items for the next customer this conversation took place:

customer: I think as a business owner that was very irresponsible of you.

me: (a little confused) um, what?

customer: How did you know that customer wouldn't be offended by you saying Merry Christmas? The proper greeting is Happy Holidays.

me: Well as a PRIVATE business owner, I don't really need to concern myself with political correctness, this is my home, and customers that are offended by my Christmas greeting should just translate it into whatever they want.

customer: Well as a consumer I expect stores to not offend me when I go to them. I'm a christian and all, but I don't go around wishing people a Merry Christmas. I also wouldn't be displaying a nativity scene, not all religions even believe in that. (noticing my beautiful nativity scene on the deli case)

me: Well as a person who owns this business and invites people into my home, I don't expect to have to walk on eggshells around other people's religion. I find the greeting Happy Holidays offensive, and yet I don't argue with someone when they say it. As a citizen of this country I do believe I have the right to believe what I want and display what I want based on my own religion. Customers that come here don't need to believe what I believe, but shouldn't be allowed to make me take down the symbols of Christmas that I hold so dear, after all, I pay the mortgage, not them.

customer: Like I said I'm a Christian, I just find that people are not tollarant enough to other people.

me: Tollerent? That's what you call political correctness? Well around here it's Christmas, it has always been Christmas, and always will be. Until the Federal government pays my mortgage, I don't have to be P.C.

customer: Well I just think it's a mistake to go around offending people all over town when you own a small business.

Me: (as I'm finally ringing her up) Well that's your opinion and you're certainly entitled to it, but I don't have to agree. I think you should read the reader board on your way out today, it's a special message just for you.

Customer: o.k., just think about what I said.

What did the sign say you may ask?

"Have a very merry blessed Christmas"

P.C. can kiss my a##.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Party Party Party

Last night was our manager's Christmas party where the managers at Wendy's all go out for dinner and drinks. It's a new tradition we started last year and it turns out really well. We never all get together to do anything, so once a year we get together and catch up and swap notes as well. We always have a good time and this year was no different.

Afterwords we went to Scott's for the after party and had a good time as well. We played some beer pong and then made our way into drama central. I just sat in the corner and talked to Jobe and we avoided as much of it as possible. lol. We did end up having some good conversation later on, which doesn't happen too often, but is always good when it happens. It was a LONG night/ early morning, but it was worth it.

Today I went out Christmas shopping finally. I got it all done.....I think?.?.? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm done. Now I just have to start wrapping. I did happen to shop a little for myself with some gift money I recieved last week. I got myself a new pair of shoes that I've been wanting, a new MP3 player for the truck and the unit required to play it through the radio. It felt good to get a few new things I've been wanting, and it felt good to get my christmas shopping done all at once. It could have been better had it not been 4 degrees with 20mph winds, but beggers can't be choosers, you know?

I came back home this afternoon and had lots of cooking to do for the crew party that was tonight. I cooked two roast beefs and sliced those up, and then made 2 loaves of Olive Cheese Bread and 60 stuffed jalapenos. The olive cheese bread was the talk of the party, everyone just loved it, and the peppers were second on the list. I'm the only one that put any effort into anything there tonight. It took me about 4 hours to get everything cooked and it will take another four hours tomorrow to clean up the mess lol. But it was good, I hardly have any food left! I'm getting really good at this cooking thing! lol.

Well I really don't have much to say except it's dag gone cold!!!!!! I tried to get into my car today and nearly lost fingers to frost bite, it's covered in 2 inches of snow and 3 inches of ice under that. I have things in that car that I don't think I'm going to see again until sometime in March. I really should have cleaned it out before the weather hit. If I get it cleaned off I'll have to put a cover on it during bad weather until it's sold, Eileen just doesn't enjoy the weather, she's been spoiled for a few years now. I also have gas in the tank I need to burn up. lol.

Have a great day!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I told him.....again.

It wasn't how I ever planned it, but the build up was there and there was a smoking hot guest. Even after the events of the week I told S again. I don't know if he'll remember, but I'm so tired of hiding it from him, I think when we go shopping tomorrow I'll bring it up.....maybe. Alcohol right now says I'll bring it up, but tomorrow I may feel differently. I've wanted to tell him, I've hinted around about it. His reaction was not quite what I was expecting, but I have a feeling he's known all along.

What I didn't tell him was about my 15 year obsession with him. That is better left unsaid as the obsession is slowly going away. I want him to know as one of my best friends, and I know he'd understand, but we don't talk like that all that much unless alcohol is involved.

Damn that smoking hot guest to bring that side out of me, well actually two of them. It was too much for me to handle with alcohol.

Before I left for this party I said things and thought things against other christians I'm so not proud of. I have been mentally beating the crap out of myself for these thoughts. But honestly, how many times can one person be parked into his own garage before he flips his lid? I finally had to call someone to pick me up so I could get to my christmas party only fashionably late because the church behind me parked me into my garage. I could have gone into the church and asked around, but I knew if I did there would be some rather harsh and unchristian things I would have said, and I didn't want to go that far.

Oh the sins I've committed all in one day in my head. What is a boy to do?

I'm crashing because it's been a really bad week.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Can he be trusted with alcohol?

So last night I found out that S broke another promise to me. He convinces me when he's sober to trust him with certain things and then after he starts drinking he becomes very open about not only his life, but with my life as well.

The results of this latest escapade is probably for the better, but it puts me in an awkward position. I want to tell him I'm gay so bad because he's one of my best friends, but at the same time, I know that if we're drinking in the wrong crowd it will come spewing out of his mouth to all the wrong people at just the wrong time.

it's just really been getting to me lately. I need to talk to him about it and get this cleared up before I do something or say something that would destroy me.

Oh, I thought by now the problems with alcohol wouldn't be so relevant in my life anymore, but I guess it takes longer for people around here to grow out of it. What else is there to do really?

Friday, December 19, 2008


I feel so guilty and morally bankrupt for the thoughts that have run through my head in the last three hours.

I'm so bad, and yet I can't stop myself. I'm not sure how to stop it, well I know how to, but I'm not sure that's the answer.

I'm never sure what to tell myself.

Thursday, December 18, 2008


I have decided today that I really need to get my anger under control, just not sure how to do it.

I was taping up the furnace distribution box when a customer came in. A customer that I rely on to pay my bills which are not getting paid in recent weeks, do I jump at the chance and run up there to help them? No, I chuck a trash can across the room and swear like a sailor under my breath all the way up to the counter on the other end of the store and put on my happy face, all the while screaming inside my head.

Yes, I just took my anti-anxiety medicine, I'm hoping it will kick in soon.

I've got issues.

I'm starting to think I don't belong here anymore. Or I just need sleep, it's been a long week of no sleep and so much activity, it feels as if my two days away this past weekend was a year ago.

Just needed to get that out of me.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


I have so many thoughts running around in my head right now, perhaps that's why my temples are throbbing in pain. Or it could be sinus issues.

Either way I'm thinking this is not the time to dive into these issues, I'm down and not feeling up to par, so the entire post would be nothing but whining, and I'm not even in the mood to listen to myself whine. lol.

Now if I can get these customers to shut the heck up, I'll be all set. It's been unusually busy and it's not helping the mood.

Come on mood enhancers, kick in already!!! :)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Finally a chance to post.

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of traveling and activity. I have loved it all, but it has exhausted me and yet relaxed me. A week ago on Saturday I traveled to B's house to surprise her for her party and it worked. That night I finally met people I had heard so much about and gotten to know over the internet (that's a shout out to J!) and I had so much fun.

I often imagine what my life will be like in Cincinnati when I'm down there, and as I sat in the living room at B's having this adult sometimes hilariously childish conversation I wished I could have that more often. It's something that I don't get a lot of around here anymore. I do have a couple of friends that help me achieve that, I just don't always have the time to get together with them.

What I felt so drawn to in that room was the fact that everyone there was secure. They knew who they were, they knew who each other were, and it was all good. I felt secure in saying things I wanted to say, I felt more like myself than I have felt in a long time. It felt safe, it felt good and it was damn hilarious. Some people I knew for a little while, others I had just met and yet it was so familiar, so comfortable. It's something I haven't experienced in awhile. Everything here seems so segregated, I have to watch what I say to who, I can't talk about everything to everyone, and it's all just so random. I feel like I'm living several lives at the same time and very few know the whole picture.

The whole picture, how strange. I'm very thankful I have experiences like that to keep me motivated into the future, to know that it is possible to be who I am, everything I am to the same people. To be able to speak freely or to not speak at all, sometimes there is just as much comfort in silence as there is in conversation. To me it's a great sign of friendship when every moment doesn't have to be filled with endless conversation, to feel comfortable enough to not speak and to just be with the other person.

I sometimes think that I spend too much time dwelling on these little things, but then I remind myself that dwelling on some of the small things is what helps me get a clearer view of the big pictures. After all the big picture is made up of all these little pictures. I find that looking back I can see myself growing and learning more about myself. There have definitely been some casualties along the way, but there always is. And yet I look into the future and know there will be more, there will come a time to change certain ways I have. There will a time to come where I will face my demons, I will try to concur the vices that are so shameful I don't even speak of them. The ways of the mind, but am I wrong in working on them one by one, in baby steps? I just don't think so.

This weekend I went and stayed with family that live out of town. They grew up in the same town I did, but have long moved away to bigger cities. He has met so many people and hung out in some very diverse groups of people, but this weekend I realized they might not have been diverse enough.

My friend F and I had a conversation late last week about if I was offended when people call things "gay". I had to really think about it, because sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. I tried to explain it to him, but he didn't really understand, and to be honest, it's hard to explain. Until this weekend when my cousin used the terms over and over and over. Not always in a derogatory way, but many times he did. When it's used in a bad way, of course it's going to be offensive.

The night before I talked to his wife about it and nearly came out to him and his wife, I honestly thought it would be o.k. but something told me to wait, and I did. The next day is when it really started to get to me. He had just gone upstairs to get ready for work and I was alone with his wife and son and I had made a comment about the kid's favorite toy and how he needed another one. It was a green turtle that sang Happy Birthday, I told her he needed one for his second birthday. She said they made one but said it was a purple hippo and Andy wouldn't allow his son to have a toy that was purple. I just kind of stopped and stared at her and asked "Is he really that bad?" She seemed a bit concerned about it and said she really thinks it might be. She said she asked him one day if he would rather have his son tell him he was gay or was a Michigan fan (he's a big Ohio State Fan) and he didn't have an answer for her. He honestly and in all seriousness couldn't decide which would be worst. That combined with a few other things made me rather sad.

It brought me back to reality that not every coming out is going to be good. To know that it is a good possibility that my closest cousin, a guy I've always considered one of my best friends would turn his back on me for who I fell in love with, just shakes me up inside. That part of me that thought everything would be o.k. eventually, hid back in the corner again. It's a rude re-awakening to what my family could really turn out to be like when I come out. It's rather scary. I know that his wife would be totally o.k. with it, she told me she's trying to get him to see that as long as her baby is healthy and happy with his life it doesn't make a difference to her who he loves.

I don't know, it's getting late, I'm starting to ramble. All I know, all in all it was a fantastic weekend and what the future holds, it holds. Those who really love me will come to terms with it, and those that can't? Well they aren't supposed to be in my life.

Someone please remind me of that part of the post when I eventually come out to my family.

What a week.

Well it's been quite the week, so much of a week that I hardly had time to post or read up on anything. I feel like I'm so far behind on everything! But honestly I'll get back into it all, it happens this time of year. I had a rough week with lots of orders and things to get done and while it was good, it was just so exhausting! But it's over, it's a new week and after such a refreshing weekend I'm ready to take on the next week.

This week I had to prepare 19 fruit baskets for the fire department. It's been a lot of scheduling and ordering and such, the baskets are filled with things I don't carry in the store, which isn't always a good idea, but it makes me money, but I do what I can. It took quite a few days of planning and such, and was rather nerve wrecking, but the pay off was worth it.

This weekend I had the pleasure and the great opportunity to take a day off and head to Cleveland to visit with my cousin and his family. It was also the first voyage with my truck! It did very well I must say. I also must say that on my way I found myself driving into a town that seemed very familiar for some reason, as I started looking around trying to remember a sign with the word "Whirlpool" appeared. I was in Clyde. I had only been in Clyde once before, but in the last two years I have met many people from Clyde and have learned a ton about Clyde and I must say it brought a smile to my face to think about all the Clyde peeps in my life now. Clyde was a little bigger than I remember.

The trip was mostly awesome, it was a route I hadn't taken before and once again this weekend it was snowing when I left. It snowed nearly the whole trip there, but the roads were surprisingly good except for a few spots. I slid through the intersection half a mile from my cousin's house, but I made it just fine.

The weekend was so relaxing. Friday night we got to catch up and just spend some quality visiting time. My cousin Andy and I have always been very close, we had our birthday parties together and traded off spending the night at each other's houses, our birthdays are so close we were instant friends. Life happened and things have drifted. He moved, I moved, but it's always good to get together and catch up. In the last several years he added his awesome wife Kristen who I was the first of the family to meet and knew in the first three seconds that they were meant for each other. 17 months ago they brought into this world Gus, he rocks. Those of you that know my aversion to kids might understand how much weight that comment carries. lol.

Anyway, I'm moving away from the weekend. Saturday we talked about their house that they are hoping to remodel next year, and I was there to help. We talked details and then I did some measuring. Now of course I have hundreds of ideas running around in my head, and hope to get to put those to paper sometime in the next two weeks. Saturday evening they took me to a Japaneese Steakhouse. I had never been to one and it was freakin awesome! I had a combo of Shark Steak and Swordfish and let me say it.was.amazing. The atmosphere and the company just rocked! (I sound like a child of the 80's). After the awesome meal we headed back to the house for cocktails. While enjoying the adult beverages we played Simpson's Clue, if you've never played, you're missing out. We had quite the night/morning.

Sunday Gus let us sleep in until late into the morning, I haven't slept that soundly in quite sometime, it was great! We got ready and headed to Chipoltle, yum. Then Andy headed to work, I headed home and Kristen and Gus headed off to her parent's. The trip home always seems longer than the trip there, but I made it. I discovered the truck does really well on trips and it was just what I needed. Last week I was just so overwhelmed and stressed out and really crabby. I very much needed two days off, and loved it.

I was sorry I wasn't able to meet up with Jake and Cody for lunch or something, hopefully the next trip can accomodate a trip to the east side to visit with them too! It's hard to believe it's nearly an hour to the other side of Cleveland!

I'm not really sure what this week has in store for me, I really don't even want to think about it until tomorrow, I've enjoyed this little vacation too much! I know I have to work the next several days at Wendy's since I took the whole weekend off, but I'll survive. I also need to get this store cleaned up and organized, things are slipping out of hand again. It will be alright, all I need is patience and motivation, which will require a list, but that will come in the morning. I'm off to bed early tonight.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A good video

At a point in my life, not too long ago, I had greater respect for Huckabee than I did for Stewart. While I realize this is only ONE issue, the things said regarding this ONE issue is enough for me to think twice about who I respect over another. Hearing these things from him now, I never would have voted for him during the primaries.

I have a longer post coming, I promise, but this week has just been hellish and once I get everything accomplished and get a free moment, I'll update the few that read this. Just thought I would provide some entertainment for now. ;)

Hey, it's better than elevator music!

Video found at About a Boy

Monday, December 8, 2008


So much has happened and so little updates, I know, I'm sorry. You'll either get over it, or you'll just delete my blog from your favorites.....I know how presumptuous of me to assume I'm on your favorites, but hey, it's my blog, I'll dream all I want. LOL.

First of all, my truck. From the looks it's not really all that much to look at for most people, but I'm so happy with it. We need to fix the brake light and a few other cosmetic things, but it has less miles than my car, and runs better than my car. It's rather shocking really.

We have big plans for the truck, my uncle wants to give it a fresh coat of paint, I just want to install my stereo and put my new seat cover on and start driving it! It has an extended bed, so it has the bed of a full size truck, which I love. I've already used the truck to haul the other thing I was blessed with last week.

So Thursday I got a phone call from my mother. Seems there was a member of our church who was looking to give away...yes give away a 40" t.v. to someone who would get some good use out of it, and my pastor thought of me. I'm not sure why, but that man thinks of me often for things like that. So I gathered up the people and we went and picked it up and brought it to my house. That t.v. is a beast! It's huge and HEAVY!!! It took four of us to carry it, and now I'm having a hard time finding a stand to withstand the weight. I think we're going to build one. I've never designed a piece of furniture before, so it should be interesting. I've got it hooked up on the floor right now, and I know it has to be raised, it's just too low.

It's so strange to think of myself as blessed because of material things, but the truck came at a time I could really be thrown a bone. Things are getting tight again and the truck came in at a good price and is in very good condition. The t.v.? well i don't get many luxuries anymore, so I accepted it, what can I say? ;)

This weekend I got the opportunity to surprise a friend of mine. Bethany was having a house warming party that I wanted to attend but my schedule at the time was not forgiving enough for me to manage a trip down there. Well as luck would have it, things changed and I was able to drive down and surprise her and attend the party. Oh what a party it was! I haven't laughed so hard in quite awhile, it all felt so good. I finally got to put faces with names, I finally got to meet people I feel like I've known for a long time over the internet, but now I know them in real life, and they are all just as awesome as I expected.

It has just been a whirlwind of activity and up until about 5 o'clock this afternoon I didn't even notice. This evening I've been feeling suddenly overwhelmed with everything. So much to do at the store and the numbers are starting to scare me again. This winter weather is causing all sorts of problems with my sales, the slowing economy doesn't seem to be helping either. But I just have this feeling that I'm going to be alright, I think people call that faith. It's just rather overwhelming right now, somedays it all just piles up.

Next weekend I'm heading off to Cleveland to visit my cousin and his family. They want to add on to their house hopefully in the spring or summer and want me to do the drawings and the design! Woot!

Well it's late and I should get to bed, I have other things to say, but they will have to wait, I need my sleep. ;)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I should think before I rant.

I was just ranting a little in my head about how no one has been updating blogs lately. It wasn't directed all at those of you who read this, but at the 50 or so blogs I read from time to time. Honestly I can never get to all 50 in one sitting, but I've run out of material, and then I realized it's been almost a week since I blogged last. Who knew that Thanksgiving could make a person so busy!

So Thanksgiving was a wonderful day, it was exhausting with WAY too much food, but it all went so well. I buried my head in the morning and went with my parents to have dinner with my dad's side of the family. We don't have a good history with them and if you ask my brother or sister if they wanted to go, they'd both answer with a solid "Why on earth would I want to go and share a holiday with "those" people?" But the first year I had decided not to go my Grandmother appeared in nearly all my dreams telling me how disappointed she was that I wasn't going. I really decided I was done with the haunting and have gone the last two years. It was uneventful as usual and then headed home to go to the neighbors. They invited me over to be a part of their family, it felt nice. We had a great dinner (well I was eating light, still had a third dinner to attend) and just had a great time. Then I headed over to our anual family reunion. If everyone showed it would be nearly 400 people, all kids and spouses of the original 7 siblings of my grandma. It's amazing, it's been happening this way for well over 50 years now, and sadly this year I think was the last.

On Friday I worked like usual, although I'm not sure I'll be doing that again, I was so slow it wasn't even funny. Friday night I didn't work at Wendy's so I headed over to B's parent's house to meet up with B and her friends. We had a great time! We soaked in the hot tub for quite awhile and then I smoked them all on Wii bowling. Then B and I together schooled her friends in tennis. What can I say? When it comes to virtual sports, I kick ass. ;) I got home late that night and woke up a few hours later with the flu. It just wasn't pretty and not how I planned on spending the weekend.at.all.

On Saturday there was an auction going on that I had some interest in. By the time everyone was ready to head to the auction I had second thoughts because I still wasn't feeling good. My stomach was in knots, I had already puked a few times, and I just wasn't feeling like going out. But I went anyway because it was a chance to finally get the vehicle I've been needing. I wasn't sure how much longer my car would last. The auction was so cold and after 20 minutes I was done. I went and took a nap in my dad's truck while we waited for them to get to the vehicles. I got out there in time and bought myself a new (to me) truck. It's nothing to look at really, it has rust, it's not shiny, it's beat up a little, I mean it is an 88. But the engine is in great shape and it had fewer miles than my car! I got it cheap too!

By the time I got back from the auction I was ready to call it a day, but I was still working the store, and at Wendy's too that night. I ended up calling off from Wendy's, something I NEVER do, but it was bad enough I did. I ended up closing the store a little early because it was so slow and laid down on the couch, fell asleep and slept for nearly 17 hours straight. I must have needed it because I woke up the next day feeling like a million bucks!

It's been a long week already. Trying to get my store decorated for christmas while my brother has been removing the ceiling panels from the grocery department causing a big mess. The panels are now all replaced but the store is not nearly done being decorated. There are only so many hours in a day! It didn't help that I've had a lighting fiasco with the new christmas lights I bought for my tree, but it's all been taken care of. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to finish decorating, well at least I better because all these boxes laying around are about to drive me up a freaking wall! I'll try to post pictures of my christmas stuff as well as my new truck! As soon as it's all done.

The truck needs some minor work like a few bulbs need replaced, oil change, new wiper blades and the transfer of my stereo, and the new seat cover installed before I'll be selling my car, but I'm so excited!! I love that truck!! I've always wanted one, and now I finally have one. :) Then I'll have to find a sucker to buy my car. I'll miss my car, it was my favorite car I've had so far, but it's served it's purpose and now it's time to move on.

This weekend is work work work. I'm so tired, hopefully I'll survive the week. lol. I guess I should start christmas shopping sometime too. lol. Next weekend I'm traveling to Cleveland for a design job and hanging out with my cousin, so I'm looking forward to that, hopefully the truck will be ready to take by then because my car has been making me a little more worried than usual lately.

Well it's nearly time to close this popsicle stand and get ready for Wendy's, oh joy oh rapture. Hope you're all doing well!!!