Thursday, February 26, 2009

Depression or Exhaustion?

I've had an interesting day, never quite sure what I was doing, or what I was saying. I honestly felt like I could burst into tears at any moment and I couldn't put my finger on what it was that has been bothering me. Sales are slumping big time, but bills are paid, the house is a construction zone again, but it's nearing completion in a rapid pace. I was trying all day to figure it out. I finally crashed for about 15 minutes between jobs tonight and when I woke up I was feeling better. So really, was it being tired, or was it depression? I'm still wondering around in a daze tonight trying to sort things out still, but it's not quite wasn't quite as bad until I sat down at the computer.

What I did was open my google reader and played catch up. What I realized suddenly was it was one of the blogs I've been reading again. I can't link to it right now because it's on another account and the link is on another computer, maybe in the morning I'll remember to set a link up. The blog gives snipits of articles all over the country relating to mostly gay issues and I realized as I read these entries that this is what has been bothering me. 98% of the articles I was reading was all about the horrifying things that have been said and things that have been happening all over the country about and to the gay community. The horrible things stated about the Oscars, the bills being passed and a few interviews. As I finished reading these things I was once again for the second day overwhelmed with the feeling that the world hates me. All the articles have been pointing out groups that would rather see me dead, or would laugh as I burned in hell, and then call themselves christians. I know I'm beating this subject to death over the last year, but when it's all I hear it really gets to be a bit much.

Something else happened today that threw me off course and I couldn't figure out why until I sat down tonight and had the other epiphany.

I had just finished up with a customer and looked out to the parking lot and saw a car pull up with a really cute boy in it, this is not uncommon. As the guy got out of his car I realized I knew him, it was Tracey that I had met at christmas. I greeted him by name when he came in and was shocked that I remembered him. He didn't think I would remember him, but I don't think he realized the profound impact he had on my heart and my mind at the dinner party on christmas. He had just stopped to look around and visit with me as he had never been in the store before and had been trying to get in since Christmas. I gave him the tour and we had a very good conversation. He's in the retail business as well, he and Doug own a hardware store about 30 minutes from here and have come up against many of the same obstacles I have found myself up against in the three years I've been open.

He had this geniune quality about him that I really enjoyed. He was honest but it felt caring. I had only met the guy once and yet I felt a very comfortable feeling about him. The conversation to anyone else would seem mundane but to me it was very interesting swapping stories and ideas etc... He's also set on buying one of my pieces of stained glass I did in college. I have it in the window and he said to price it out and call him because he wanted it. I was very flattered, I have no idea how to price a piece I did 7 years ago, but I'll figure something out.

I wasn't sure how this played into my day, but it felt good, he left me feeling hopeful even though our conversation seemed depressing about the business and the economy, and yet I felt good? I was so confused and it threw me off balance. It wasn't until tonight I realized that it's just the positive attitude that he carries and the hope he gives me that was internally fighting with all the evil I had been reading the last two days. He and Doug are a loving couple who have been together for the last 19 years and fought society and have come out stronger and more in love. His life gives me hope, his words gave me comfort. Crazy I know.

When he left my brother inquired about who he was, I told him I had met him at Christmas and so on and so forth. My brother listened and said "You sure know a lot of gay people" I didn't quite know how to take that, perhaps it's the paranoia that comes with being partially out of the closet, like he's figuring it out and it was scary. It could have just been a statement of fact. But I don't care, he'll have to get used to it sooner or later, so the more he experiences now, the better off the future will be. I do believe I would be friends with these people even if I was straight because they are good people, they have great experiences to share, they are filled with great stories and they are just hilarious, what's not to love?

So as I sit here tonight and type this entry I've been slowly realizing that it's going to be o.k. I've also realized that it may not be good to keep reading Joe's blog everyday. It's not going to be easy, no one has ever said that, but it's who I am, God created me and no one can condem me or judge me except for my creator, so why do I even care what these people think? I pray for them to stop using hate in the name of Jesus, to let their hearts heal and just love one another, and to stop throwing stones inside of their glass houses.

I was going to continue on the paranoia thought, but I'm really tired again so I'm going to bed. Maybe another night. :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Yeah for Google Reader!!

Finally a way to keep up with the growing list of blogs I've been stalking...errr I mean reading.

I finally took the time while I was awake and got my google reader set up and while I fought it at the beginning because it didn't seem necessary, I find it so much easier to keep up with blogs, I used to spend hours going from site to site to site just trying to see if there was anything new, but now my blog browsing takes minutes!! I love it. Thanks to Bethany for showing me just how easy it really was. It just goes to show me that I shouldn't try and do those things while I'm half asleep. lol.

It seems I've been half asleep a lot lately. The last week has been rather draining and I'm not sure why. I haven't had to work the last two nights which has been wonderful and I had made plans to catch up on so much, and yet I haven't done much of anything except napping, cooking and watching t.v. I have been fighting the guilt a bit, but I have found myself so drained after the last week that I can't get myself to do much. There are constantly people here all day long, customers I can deal with, there are breaks between them, it's everyone else. Don't get me wrong I love them all, but I seriously don't think I've spent a moment alone during the day for weeks. I often wonder why people don't work more lol. Monday I thought I would finally get a day to do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do, but I had family coming in and hanging around and my buddy that just got a job ended up in about 6 times, I finally just reached a point this week that I decided I'm not here to entertain, I'm here to operate a business. So I basically just get out of the office and start doing work, if they want to talk, they can follow me. They are at my JOB, not at my home, it's time everyone starts to realize this.

As my buddy said this week, this is not a men's club, nor is it social hour 11 hours a day here, this is a business and it's time people start to treat it like that. I've also had to put a time limit on tabs. In the beginning people respected me enough to pay their tabs every week, but over the last few years things have gotten laxed and I realized the other day that tabs were going three sometimes four weeks and were adding up to hundreds of dollars. I finally put up a notice by the tab sheets and stated all tabs must be paid in full every week because I have to pay for the merchandise up front and I'm realizing I'm not making enough money to buy anymore merchandise, so if they want stuff, they need to pay for it.

I'm becoming quite a jerk I guess, but I will not be taken advantage of anymore. Even my brother and I have come to an understanding. Sure we have problems, but he's starting to see my side of things a little more than he used to.

I'm realizing there isn't really a purpose for this post really. I have had some really good blog ideas running around in my head but by the time I sit down at the computer and have some time alone to write, it's late and I forget what it was that was bothering me throughout the day, funny how that happens.

Well sorry to bore you tonight. :)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

This town

Days like today make me know why there are anti anxiety pills out there that I need from time to time. Maybe need is a cop out, I'm not sure, but it sure helps me get through days like today.

Today was one of those days where everyone is miserable. Nothing seemed to be going right for anyone and I guess there is a sign at the front door that I don't see that says "Please bring your problems to me" I wish I could find it so I could burn it.

My uncle has been going through a very tough financial situation and I'm the only person he and my aunt can talk to because I've been through it, I've done what they're doing and I'm the only one that can see the other side. I feel very fortunate I can mentally help them through this time, and even more special that they feel comfortable enough to come to their nephew for help in their time of need. This does not bother me. To be able to provide the mental support to the people that I have relied on for the same reason makes me feel good, I owe them so much and if this is a way I can pay them back, I feel more than happy to help them through it. This is not a situation that is draining to me.

What is draining to me is my customers. The people of this town are absolutely miserable and they are more than willing to share their misery with me, and after 11 hours of problems brought to my counter, it's exhausting. Two of my customers are fighting because of stupid reasons, but they each were here for 20 minutes telling me all about it. One of my customers has decided that I'm out to get them and has been calling me to tell me that I'm lying to them and I'm changing a 40 year old recipe just to piss them off, it's gotten so bad I've stopped answering their calls and I turn off my machine when they call so they can't leave messages, I mean really? How self absorbed can you be?

Then there is the situation across the street. Both parties are now at fault for the mess they have created and since it escalated yesterday and involved the police, it's on the local news. No one admits to listening to the local radio station but every single time they ran the report on the news my phone would start ringing and it would be people asking me what I knew, what happened, did I see anything? Did I hear anything, and was I around when the cops took her away. I know what happened, I know many of the details, and I know more about what happened than either party knows about, but I don't want to be involved. I keep telling people, all I know is what I heard on the radio. It was 3am what the hell would I be doing at 3am? SLEEPING!!! It's not my marriage, it's not my family, and it's not my business.

What my business is, is this store. I've asked people to stop calling unless they are calling to order food or to ask how my day is going, anything else I don't know anything about. I've been waist deep in family problems that are not mine. The more I fight to stay out of it, the more I keep getting dragged into it, not by the parties involved, but by the nosey bored people in this town. No one can mind their own business.

I was nearly in tears when my friend Eric showed up, I had enough and couldn't deal with it anymore. Like I told him, I have my own problems and I don't have enough time or energy to get myself involved in their lives, my only concern was that my two friends were o.k. and he helped me finally find out that they were both indeed alright, things are really bad and not good for anyone involved, but all parties are safe and working through it. That was enough for me. Eric is a good guy, he helped me forget about the situation that drowned me today and I was able to focus my energy elsewhere. I was able to finally convince him to see a doctor about his poison oak that hasn't gone away yet, it's been over a week. It's minor and odd, but it was nice to talk about something else today.

I looked forward to being able to lock my doors tonight and hole myself up in my house and not talking to anyone. I ended up falling asleep on my couch and took a 3 hour a nap. In the middle of the nap I got a phone call, I checked the caller I.D. and it was one of the parties involved in the situation across the street and I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone, I needed time to be away from it, to be out of it. She didn't leave a message so it must not be anything that can't be dealt with. Now I'm awake and waiting around for my laundry that has gone too long without being done.

I just can't deal with days where it seems the entire world is unhappy. That's 11 hours of people talking about misery and unhappiness and getting involved in other people's problems because I guess theirs aren't enough. Can you imagine being surrounded for 11 hours by misery? It is absolutely too much. I once thought how neat it would be to own a small bar, but after this experience I know that I could never handle doing anything remotely like this ever again. I told Eric tonight I just want out, and for the first time he finally figured out why it is that I want to leave so badly. I'm not meant for this, I can't handle this, no job I've ever had has been like this. How do you tell a customer that you don't want to listen to them anymore? How do you tell these people you depend on for money that you can't stand to listen to another minute of their lives?

Oy, the day is over and there is nothing salvagable from the day. Sales were the worst I've seen in sometime and yet I'm more exhausted than ever. I have my own problems to deal with and I didn't have a minute today to deal with them. Will someone please tell me how to pay my mortgage that was due today? Or how to pay the electric bill that is due by the end of the week? I know how it's going to get done, not in a way I want to do it, but I have to do the things I have to do. I just keep praying harder and harder that the sale does not take long and that by the end of the summer I'll be able to pack it up and move on.

Will there be drama in Cinci? I'm certain of it, it follows me so I know better than to run from it. The difference will be that I won't be trapped and won't have to deal with it and will be in a better position to tell people that I don't want to deal with it. I'll be way too busy protecting B from the undead, and I'm looking forward to it. :)

Monday, February 16, 2009


So this weekend I was thinking a lot about urges, the different types and how to satisfy those urges. I know instantly most people that read this are thinking of physical urges or more predominately in today's society, sexual urges, but this is not what I'm talking about today. Today I have been thinking about psychological urges, the urges you think are physical at first until you realize that you can't satisfy them with food or with music or even with sex. Human contact like a hug, or an arm around your shoulder, or just a peaceful hand on your back, things like this are hard to figure out at first. How is it you go about satisfying these urges?

How does one go about requesting something that is supposed to be just natural. A hug is easy to request, but how do you ask someone to place their hand on your arm and not have it feel superficial? How do you ask someone to place their hand on your back so you can feel secure or comforted or even encouraged? These things happen when they happen, and yet after awhile one begins to yearn for these things, they get an urge for that feeling, like a drug addict having an urge for a high. Are these things so different?

It took me a lot of years to allow myself to let human contact effect me in such a way. When I was younger someone touching me really used to bother me, but as I got older I found comfort and friendship in the most simple of things. A buddy that bumps his shoulder into yours knocking you off your feet, a sign of two friends, things as simple as this. How does one find these things when their searching for them? How do you pass those urges along and out of your system when they become overwhelming and take over your mind?

A physical urge can be satisfied fairly easily, if you crave chocolate, you eat chocolate. If you crave ice cream, you find ice cream. But what about these psychological urges, where is it you find the satisfaction you are looking for? When do they go away?

These urges seem to strike at different times, sometimes in times of loneliness, other times it's during happy occasions, it's not a matter of depressed or happy, they are what they are. Thinking about this is not a scream for help, nor is it because I want someone here rubbing my back, it's so much more than any of that. How do I find the root of the issue? How do I go about satisfying these urges? and most of all, How do I prevent this from happening again?

Just some food for thought on a bright and sunny Monday morning. :)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Valentine

You may recognize him from movies such as:
-Empire Records
-Vegas Vacation
-Can't Hardly Wait
and so many others, but how is it he became my valentine?

I caught Sweet Home Alabama on the t.v. before work today. When he plays Bobby Ray with that southern drawl, the boots, those jeans, and his walk.......oh I get lost in his eyes. That southern drawl just pulls me in closer.

So I decided he would be my valentine today, I'm sure he won't mind. I can't tell him because of the restraining order, but I'm sure he knows how much I care. :)

So thank you Ethan for sharing Valentine's day with me, with you on my mind I didn't even notice you weren't next to me on the couch. :)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A bonus for Jake to make his day.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a blog with
25 random things about you. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You
have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I
want to know more about you.

That's right, another 25 things for those of you with the address to this blog, it's an evening of getting to know your host. lol.

1. I can't wait for the day I can merge the two blogs I maintain and maybe let people into the side of me they have never known.

2. I'm so very thankful for those of you that come here and read my sometimes randomly boring posts. lol

3. I'm amazed how someone I was so infatuated with for the last two years can become so ugly so quickly.

4. Worse yet, living through this situation has made me realize just how ugly I could possibly be if I caved to my temptations.....turns out I live in a glass house.

5. I'm not sure I could be really happy if I found a sugar daddy, but at this point, I think it might be nice to try. lol.

6. I've been in a pretty severe battle in my mind lately with some of my demons and I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, I'm not always willing to accept them as demons.

7. I realized tonight through conversations I've had that no matter how my family takes it, I know my grandmother M. would have loved me for being gay if she was still around to hear it, and it brought a smile to my face but made me miss her even more.

8. I can't wait to move to Cinci and yet I find myself delaying packing. Something about counting chickens before they hatch or something.

9. While repairing my laundry room in preparations of selling we found a new problem and I'm not sure what to do, hide it? Or leave it.

10. I find myself giving up and already moving in my mind and have to constantly remind myself if I don't keep this place running it won't be worth squat.

11. There is something in my heart that tells me this place will not be on the market for more than 6 months, but parts of my brain constantly contradict my heart.

12. I could really use a good make-out session right now.

13. I only had 2 drinks tonight and I cut myself off because I fear sometimes if I don't keep control that it will become a problem.

14. Although his father says he deserves no forgiveness for what he's done to his family, I can never believe that, there is always room for forgiveness.

15. I am proud of myself for staying as far out of the situation across the street as I can, but still be caring for friends in trouble. They may be a mess, but I love them all.

16. I look at much of the drama in my life and wonder if that's what I'm most attracted to, and it worries me for my choices in the future.

17. I hope to be more self confident and vocal this year and not allow people to push me around.

18. I pray that I find the peace in religion I've been searching for. Peace with God I'm working on, but peace with religion is not nearly as easy.

19. I hope that when I do move that my great friends around here will make the effort to visit me from time to time.

20. I knew all about the internet sale of underware that Cody reffered to that night, not that I participated, but was afraid of being judged so I played it cool. ;)

21. I'm much more aware of the freakiness and graphic gay issues out there than I'll ever let on to.

22. Writing #20 and #21 made me feel a little dirty, but then I remind myself I am who I am, and regardless of what I've exposed myself to in the last 14 years I'm a different person than I once was.

23. Typing #22 made me realize it was almost 14 years ago I was first exposed to my very first web page at all, only 14 years ago I never knew what the World Wide Web even was, and yet 14 years later it is responsible for so much growth in my life and for some of the greatest people I now have in my life.

24. I'm feeling older the more I type. lol. I'M GOING TO BE YOUNG FOREVER!

25. this is actually #50, and it was really difficult. LOL.

I won't tag anyone again, I really just needed a new post. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Jake tagged me in a very cruel way. lol.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a blog with
25 random things about you. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You
have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I
want to know more about you.

1. Jake was sneaky when tagging me by using the line "I tag those who miss me..."

2. I find it odd sometimes I miss people I've only met once in my life, but feel like I know better (and know me better) than some people I've known for the last 20.

3. I did one of these on facebook a little while ago and got lots of slack because I guess it screamed "a call for help" I didn't think so, but I guess I was wrong.

4. Watching a failing marriage is ranking up there as one of the hardest things to watch.

5. I'm really missing thunderstorms. Last night during the wind gusts I saw lightning and got really excited.

6. I really hate working at Wendy's again, but as a second job it works because it's comfortable, and I don't even know what that means.

7. My buddy Scott finally got a job today, nothing he's ever trained for, but I have no doubt he'll be the best within 6 months because that's who he is.

8. I'm going to go see Friday the 13th. tomorrow, not because I like horror movies (because I really don't) but because it sounds like something fun to do and it's out of the ordinary for me and that's what I'm going for.

9. I had regular pepsi with my whiskey tonight and now I feel like my stomach is planning a revolt against me, it really doesn't like regular soda.

10. I use the word soda because I sometimes catch flack from some of my friends for using the word pop too much.

11. My sister made tortellini for supper tonight and brought me some, it was delicious.

12. I totally just had to use spell check to spell tortellini. lol.

13. I have such great plans for my future that I want to just skip through the present to get there.

14. I want to let Jake know that his 25 things DOES count as a regular post because it reveals something about him. (Ha, now you can't take it back)

15. I feel guilty that my blogs are part of the reason Jake doesn't have time to update his own, but I know if I stop writing it will irritate him. ;)

16. I just realized I've posted too many of my 25 about Jake, and now afraid that Bethany will get jealous, Love ya Bethany!!

17. I also just realized I'm wondering dangerously close to the line of a best friend question. AH!

18. I can't believe I'm not on #20 yet, it's no wonder there are so many articles making fun of these things....oh well f**k um, I like them!! :)

19. I faux finished two walls today and I think they rock! Not everyone agrees, but not everyone can appreciate abstract art.

20. I promised Free that if I did another one of these I'd write something happy: I can be happiest sometimes by hanging out with my great friends, but sometimes I can be happiest relaxing by myself.

21. I've been blaming the rough going of my business on the lack of support from the people that claim they love me, but today I realized, I did this for me, not them. But they aren't helping things.

22. I figured out this week that I really only like about 10% of my regular customers, and it made me laugh.

23. I love to laugh, if I had to choose eternal love with no laughter or being single with eternal laughter, I'd choose the laughter.

24. I wish we could all chip in on this mountain idea of Jake's, I have $20 in my wallet, how 'bout it? (seriously, $20 and I didn't steal it! lol)

25. If I post something that seems like I'm sad or depressed, I might be, but it's o.k. without those feelings, how do I know when I'm really happy? And really, if you know me, just because it sounds depressing, doesn't mean it is.

Tag! if you just read that, you're it. :)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

short one today

I've had this song stuck in my head today and wanted to torture the rest of you by getting it stuck in your head as well. :)

I updated the colors on the blog because I was bored. Hope you like.

Monday, February 2, 2009

General information. :)

Hello people! How nice of you to join me on such a wonderful Monday....o.k. so it's just been a Monday. But I recently took my happy pill and life can resume at normal speed again. :)

They are finally picking up my car today! Which means I get the rest of my money today! Woot! Now I can finish fixing the truck, or course it won't happen this week as there is just too much other stuff to get done. This week we are making prettles which is an all day affair as well as making 325 pounds of pork sausage patties for the fireman's breakfast on Sunday. My brother and a couple of my friends picked up and butchered the pigs for me already. It is sitting inside of my cooler waiting to be seasoned and ground up and then pattied. It's going to be a long week.

We do the sausage for them every year. I did it because I thought it would bring in more business, but sadly it doesn't really do me a bit of good, but at least it makes me some good money. :) Money is in need around here at the moment. I have faith I will survive, God has seen me through harder times, every February as a matter of fact, he won't let me down anytime soon. Loaves and fishes as I like to say, just when you think it's not enough, somehow it's just enough.

I just had to double check my car to make sure everything was out of it, they are picking it up yet tonight. I'm kind of sad to see it go. Eileen was the best. It was February 2002 and my little Red Geo Prism with 192,000 miles was finally about to die after 7 years and the 191,933 miles we drove together. I knew the time was close so I went online and started looking for a new car at the dealership back home (I was living at school in Michigan) and found Eileen, she was a beauty and the price was exceptional! I called and scheduled a test drive for that Saturday and when I got home my parents surprised me and picked her up early so I could take her out for the weekend. It was love at first drive. She was my dream car, the body style, the way she rode, I had to have her. It took some doing, but I finally got her. Together we shared nearly 100,000 miles of happiness. We saw 10 states together and she treated me well, and I treated her well. It was love. But sadly she can no longer provide me with a safe and secure ride to and from and had to pass her on to someone with the knowledge and parts to bring her back to life and get another several years out of her yet. Good bye ole girl, it's been a great 7 years. I'll miss ya.
So yeah, that was a little bit out of context, but it was just happening so I went with it. :) I've always had such great luck with cars they become like a part of me. I think out of the 4 cars I've owned up to this point I've only spent about $2000 at most on upkeep of them all, and it was never anything major, just parts here and there sort of thing. I consider myself very fortunate. :)

So anyway how's everyone? How about that game last night? Now I don't really care for NFL all that much, but it was a fantastic game, I was happy about that at least. I was not however very happy that the Cardinal's were not able to pull it off although I was sooo sure by the end that they were going to do it. But sadly their defensive line proved me wrong. Oh well, it's just a game.

It was a rather dull weekend, but it was alright. I didn't rest as much as I wanted, but that just never seems to happen anyway, so why keep fighting it? I was talking to my sister on Friday night how I'm starting to feel like a hypocondriact. I am always trying to look up diseases to explain why I'm so tired all the time. I can fall asleep anywhere at any time. I've even fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation......while I was talking! That's always a good one. lol. I rattled off the list of diseases I thought I had and how she's in charge of my burial because she's the executor to my estate. She just laughed at me. She recomended that when I get a chance to live a normal life again with a sleeping schedule and all that to see if I'm still as tired as I am now and if I was, THEN go to the doctor, but until then it's because of my schedule and to get over it. lol. I listened to her. I'll figure it out.

I just always imagined that after awhile the body would just naturally adjust to the amount of sleep and times of sleep that it gets. I guess if it's not getting enough rest then it's just going to keep getting tired. It's not like me to get like this, but hey, we all have our moments right?

Well anyway, I really forgot the real reason of this post, so hopefully I'll think of it sometime and be able to post it. Until then, I guess you'll have to just live with what you get. lol. :)

Have a wonderful day!!!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

An Assortment of stuff

Thank you Kurt Warner for making tonight's game that much more enjoyable because of your lovely face.

You played a good game, but sadly your defensive line was just outplayed. It's sad and I wish I was there to comfort you in your loss, but I'm sure your wife and kids will do a fine job.

But I wish it was me. :)

Photo Source

Today at lunch my mother announced to me that my ex-girlfriend has asked to get married at our church. Now this is the excentric ex-girlfriend or girl friend #2 in regards to a previous blog a long time ago on my other blog. This was the gf that was the final straw that helped me accept to myself that I was gay. It was the gf that I was talked into going out with and the one that smothered me. She was also the one that talked to me on the phone for hours and helped me through some very hard times during the end of my last job. She helped me write my business plan to buy this place and she was such a wonderful friend. Sadly, I'm gay, she's a girl and we just never would have worked.

So why has this been on my mind all day? My grandmother who was at lunch also did the grandmotherly thing and said: "See, that could have been you, guess you blew your shot for that one". My poor grandmother, she's never going to understand when I bring a boy home. She means well, she's the middle child of 7. She's lost one sister, one brother, and 2 husbands. She has 6 kids of her own, and only 3 great grand kids of her own with 2 on the way. Her brother and sisters have over 20 a piece. She feels like she did something wrong. My parents don't seem to mind except when they hold any of their great nieces or nephews, but they can't imagine themselves babysitting, or going to soccer games or anything like that, so they really are o.k. with it so far.

I feel like when things like this happen they are all staring at me waiting for me to procreate. I've made myself very clear in that I didn't want kids anyway and they should just keep looking at the next one in line. I'm fifth in line as far as grandkids go, the first is on his second marriage and no children in sight, the second just filed for divorce last week, the third just had her first miracle baby and is in an unsteady marriage, the fourth has a child with one on the way but lives 200 miles away. Then there is me. The next two in line are both married, one has a child and another on the way. It's no wonder all eyes are on me...I guess there shouldn't be much surprise then when I bring home a boy. :) LOL.

Anyway, enough of the family drama, I wonder why gf #2 getting married has me thinking about this all day. I thought I had gotten through this nearly three years ago when we broke up and I finally accepted who I was. But perhaps there is some lingering thoughts in my head, or wishes that things were different and I could put on the facade that everyone wants, but it's not in me to be that guy. I just could not do that to me, or to anyone else.

A movie quote from Prayers for Bobby that I find fitting at this moment:
"Bobby, you're not gay, you just haven't found a girl you're really attracted too yet."

I've heard that from one of my friend's that knows and it is so hard to explain to someone the feelings, that in your mind you know who you are, you know who you're attracted to. People just can't get it. In the movie when Bobby is talking to the psychiatrist who is trying to "heal" him she says "If you've never experienced it, how do you know?" I've also heard this from the same friend. I finally told him that hearing that is like me telling him "How do you know you're not gay if you've never been with man?" I made a little headway that night with him getting closer to understanding.

It's like some people think it's just a switch, or an overbearing mother, or a distant father (also a theory from the movie and life), but it's none of that. I grew up in a house filled with love, a father that was home and spent time with us doing "manly" things, it's how I know the construction techniques I know. I had a mother that loved us all equally and never favored one or the other. My parents raised us well and raised us all the same. It's not a switch, I never had an older man recruit me, or try to touch me or anything shady like that. I am who I am, God made me this way, why am I trying so hard to fight it?

God made me a decent designer and yet I never tried to fight that. God made me a good listener and I never fought that? It's just mind blowing sometimes how I have the nerve to think that God could have made a mistake, when I know deep in my heart that this is who I am, this is who God created, and this is who I was meant to be. Why can I trust in God for so many things, but when it comes to who I am I think he made a mistake? This is not falling to temptations, this is not being mislead by evil, I had never been exposed to any of this all my life, this is me.

So anyway, I guess 6 beers brings out the philosopical conversation, who knew it took so little? lol.

I'm really o.k., and I'll continue to be o.k. it's just things have been changing here lately. Lives around me are changing, people around me are changing, and it just feels like my time here is coming to an end. I'm ready for the change, and I'm ready to move on. After reading Jake's comment the other day I really sat down and had to think if I was running from someone or something. I guess in a way I am, but not because I'm afraid of facing it, but because it's not worth my time. It's not who I am, and I can never be who I am in this environment. I will always have a fond place in my heart for this area, but it's not me. G gets it because she grew up here too, this place is like no other and it's fine for many people. Many people thrive on this environment, but it's slowly killing me, even my family sees it, so I know it's not just me. I'm not running away, I'm running too something new and exciting. Will Cinci be everthing I want it to be? Probably not, but if it's not right either, I'll make that choice when the time comes and move on. But if I don't try, I'll never know. :)

Well I'm going to try and get to bed semi early tonight, I wasn't allowed to nap during the boring parts of the game tonight, so I should get to bed early to make up for it. lol.

Have a great one!