Thursday, February 26, 2009

Depression or Exhaustion?

I've had an interesting day, never quite sure what I was doing, or what I was saying. I honestly felt like I could burst into tears at any moment and I couldn't put my finger on what it was that has been bothering me. Sales are slumping big time, but bills are paid, the house is a construction zone again, but it's nearing completion in a rapid pace. I was trying all day to figure it out. I finally crashed for about 15 minutes between jobs tonight and when I woke up I was feeling better. So really, was it being tired, or was it depression? I'm still wondering around in a daze tonight trying to sort things out still, but it's not quite wasn't quite as bad until I sat down at the computer.

What I did was open my google reader and played catch up. What I realized suddenly was it was one of the blogs I've been reading again. I can't link to it right now because it's on another account and the link is on another computer, maybe in the morning I'll remember to set a link up. The blog gives snipits of articles all over the country relating to mostly gay issues and I realized as I read these entries that this is what has been bothering me. 98% of the articles I was reading was all about the horrifying things that have been said and things that have been happening all over the country about and to the gay community. The horrible things stated about the Oscars, the bills being passed and a few interviews. As I finished reading these things I was once again for the second day overwhelmed with the feeling that the world hates me. All the articles have been pointing out groups that would rather see me dead, or would laugh as I burned in hell, and then call themselves christians. I know I'm beating this subject to death over the last year, but when it's all I hear it really gets to be a bit much.

Something else happened today that threw me off course and I couldn't figure out why until I sat down tonight and had the other epiphany.

I had just finished up with a customer and looked out to the parking lot and saw a car pull up with a really cute boy in it, this is not uncommon. As the guy got out of his car I realized I knew him, it was Tracey that I had met at christmas. I greeted him by name when he came in and was shocked that I remembered him. He didn't think I would remember him, but I don't think he realized the profound impact he had on my heart and my mind at the dinner party on christmas. He had just stopped to look around and visit with me as he had never been in the store before and had been trying to get in since Christmas. I gave him the tour and we had a very good conversation. He's in the retail business as well, he and Doug own a hardware store about 30 minutes from here and have come up against many of the same obstacles I have found myself up against in the three years I've been open.

He had this geniune quality about him that I really enjoyed. He was honest but it felt caring. I had only met the guy once and yet I felt a very comfortable feeling about him. The conversation to anyone else would seem mundane but to me it was very interesting swapping stories and ideas etc... He's also set on buying one of my pieces of stained glass I did in college. I have it in the window and he said to price it out and call him because he wanted it. I was very flattered, I have no idea how to price a piece I did 7 years ago, but I'll figure something out.

I wasn't sure how this played into my day, but it felt good, he left me feeling hopeful even though our conversation seemed depressing about the business and the economy, and yet I felt good? I was so confused and it threw me off balance. It wasn't until tonight I realized that it's just the positive attitude that he carries and the hope he gives me that was internally fighting with all the evil I had been reading the last two days. He and Doug are a loving couple who have been together for the last 19 years and fought society and have come out stronger and more in love. His life gives me hope, his words gave me comfort. Crazy I know.

When he left my brother inquired about who he was, I told him I had met him at Christmas and so on and so forth. My brother listened and said "You sure know a lot of gay people" I didn't quite know how to take that, perhaps it's the paranoia that comes with being partially out of the closet, like he's figuring it out and it was scary. It could have just been a statement of fact. But I don't care, he'll have to get used to it sooner or later, so the more he experiences now, the better off the future will be. I do believe I would be friends with these people even if I was straight because they are good people, they have great experiences to share, they are filled with great stories and they are just hilarious, what's not to love?

So as I sit here tonight and type this entry I've been slowly realizing that it's going to be o.k. I've also realized that it may not be good to keep reading Joe's blog everyday. It's not going to be easy, no one has ever said that, but it's who I am, God created me and no one can condem me or judge me except for my creator, so why do I even care what these people think? I pray for them to stop using hate in the name of Jesus, to let their hearts heal and just love one another, and to stop throwing stones inside of their glass houses.

I was going to continue on the paranoia thought, but I'm really tired again so I'm going to bed. Maybe another night. :)


  1. Yeah, I'm going to need you to stop reading depressing shit. At least space it out with encouraging things. Not all Christians are like those articles portrayed, not all gay people are like the media portrays, not all straight non-Christians are like everyone portrays....I could go on. I'm rambling and distracted because I leave in 2 days, but stop reading depressing shit or I'm going to bombared your inbox with uplifting blogs ;)
    Love you!

  2. I'm with B on this one.

    Other peoples attitudes can affect our own outlook.

    I actually feel kind of bad for introducing you to Joe. He's an asshole. I've been supplementing him with other sources for the info I want, and am close to getting enough sources to remove him from my reader. I pretty much just scroll through all his bullshit at this point until I find real news. Which is becoming a rather rare occurrence.

    Funny thing is, he's more of a hater than a lot of the people he bitches about. He's just on the other end of the spectrum from them.