Posts

Showing posts from 2010

November Good Things

Please stop judging me, don't be a hater, I know, I failed the blogging community by not putting together a list of good things for November. I have failed, but I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on the horse. I promise. So I thought since I failed you I would post a blog regarding the month of November in it's place but of course, it is now pretty late for that as well, but I figured you'd take what you could get. lol. So the month of November entailed my first real month of my new job and everything that that entails. I found myself happy I had such a great class to be trained with, we had a wonderful trainer who entertained us and trained us well and I found myself enjoying it so much. The people I've been building relationships with at work are such good people, they are funny people and make me feel so good to be around. The company I work for is actually very good, they value good employees and promote a close and family feeling in t

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Ah, what a better time to blog than relaxing in the house all by myself after eating great food today. I have been gone for way too long. I was doing well blogging and then I moved, then I started working again and well, I'm not doing well with time management. For the most part that is what all the bad patterns I've been falling into involve. I have lots to learn, there is a word my roommate keeps telling me about that would help me, but I keep forgetting what that is....let me think...hmmm.....it only had two letters in it.......ummm.......oh, I think it was N-O. It's a funny word that I'm still researching and I think I need to start practicing. I'm sure I'll figure it out, in my own way and in my own time. So let's see, what else to talk about....work. My new job is actually pretty cool, I can't say I'm in love with it yet because there is so much to get used to. There are so many regulations, so many different rules, so many managers and

Blah

I'm so far behind on things right now, not things that are vitally important, but minor things that are stacking up in my head. You know things like blogging, reading posts that are clogging my reader, cleaning this desk off, keeping up with laundry, cooking, etc... I find myself falling into some familiar patterns that I'm trying to stop, they are familiar, but they are not the same. I had this really strange blog in my head, but the coughing won't stop at the moment for me to make sense of it, so I'm letting it go. It's been less than 24 hours and I already forget what good health feels like. I'm a horribly pathetic baby, and I'm not even that sick yet. lol. I'll push through I promise.

October Good Things

October 1: Made the decision to take a week off between jobs and realized I have to give notice soon. More changes are a coming. October 2: I notified OM of my leaving in two weeks and things went well, it was a weight lifted and at the same time excitingly nerve wrecking. lol. October 3: An evening on the couch in my pajamas after work just felt really good tonight. October 4: I picked up my new glasses today!! October 5: I was sitting on the patio after work tonight and it dawned on me.......I'm actually living in Cincinnati. :) October 6: Parents came to town and we had a great day! October 7: I made a connection with someone today, it probably won't go anywhere, but it was nice to feel a connection. October 8: Had a great day at work, not much work accomplished but we had a good time. October 9: nothing bad happened today, that was my good thing for the day. lol. October 10: Pizza and Alias with my roommate. How did I live alone for so long? October 11: I had a very product

I know, it's been a bit

Yes, so I've been neglecting my blog for awhile, but I've been busy living, you know? So since we last visited there has been so much happening I hope I can cover it all. I've been absent for a small part because I finally had DSL installed and that came with it's own set of problems, I was concentrating for awhile on getting the two computers in this house connected to the network and get the internet working....o.k. that really only took a couple of days but there's more, I promise. lol. I put my two weeks notice in at O.M. and it was a rough week. They didn't treat me badly or anything, they felt a little lost and were trying to figure out what to do. They eventually asked me to stay on part time and basically write my own schedule. I hadn't really thought about staying all that much, I won't need the money and looked forward to working just one job, but really I enjoy the job and the people so much I eventually decided to stay on for two nights a

Stress and the past

So the other day I had a bad day. I'm not saying it was a horrible day, I just had a rough day of being a clutz, not hearing right, etc... It was day number 8 of working straight and I think I was just exhausted. It wasn't until Bethany made a comment, that I realized it's how I used to live my life every day. Everyday was a battle of wills, I was angry and my frustration was burried under the lightest layer of skin. It dawned on me how much stress I was really under then and didn't even realize it. Everything about me seemed to be so negative, and to be honest, the other day it was just more exhausting than I could handle. It's hard to believe how long I spent like that. Constantly tired, constantly stressed, and constantly thinking people were out to get me, or that I was out to get myself. It opened my eyes to reasoning behind my midemeanor of that time. It made me realize just how far I've come since then and how different my life is now. I can see i

A celebration

So a couple of weeks ago the boys came down and spent the day with us and I was very excited. I do love when the boys are in town. We had a pioneer woman dinner that to my surprise turned into a full blown celebration dinner for the selling of my business and my move to Cincinnati finally. As if it wasn't wonderful enough to share it with such great friends, have a glass of champagne and general merriment, they each took turns talking about me. I'm just so not used to people telling me such nice things. I was doing well until the end and Jake's speech started to really get to me, the emotions of the other speeches were already built up and Jake's started to push me over the edge. I dodged it with a joke or two and maintained composure. It's not as if I was afraid of crying in front of my friends, I just didn't want to go there. I really wish I had known ahead of time so I could have come up with some words of my own to show my appreciation to each of them but I&

Oh love, you surprise me even at my age.

So while I was attending my first college, I had a writing class. It was an introductory class required for all freshman. It was a fun class with a fun and cute professor that made even the most mundane aspects of writing were fun and interesting. It was a night class so it was a very interesting and fun diverse group. I sat next to a woman in her 70's that was just a hoot and I loved talking to her. Well anyway one assignment we had was to descriptively describe what we thought love was. It was an interesting assignment as there were young people like me, older people like my friend, some divorced people etc... When we had our assignments complete we would get into groups and read each other's essays and talk about them. Sometimes it was about the writing itself and sometimes it was the story and sometimes it was both. So I wrote this story about what I thought love was. How devoted each person should be, how each could have their own life and yet be a part of one another. I w

A story from my past

I was in my third year of college in Detroit and in a design class that was taught by a total free spirit. She loved the challenge of design, making designs from anything and seeing the beauty of art in everything. I loved the class and the the professor, Patricia was amazing. She would come out for a cigarette with a few of us after class. She was older, she was highly educated and so out there that many of the students had a very hard time following her and understanding her instructions but I excelled because I understood her. She used to tell us that design was all around us. She had us do elevations that inspired us, building facades that we really enjoyed but we were not supposed to do a floor plan. After we presented our elevations she had us put them on the table and study them. Study the lines and remember what it was about it that inspired us. She then had us put a layer of onion skin (a very thin sketching paper) over the elevation and told us to create a floor plan using th

When you are ready, you call me.

Image
Yes Mike, I'm talking to you. I've been seeing you more and more, I can't turn the station when you're on, you keep looking at me. I know you know what you're doing, you know I'm here just watching you, waiting for me to make the first move. Well sir, here I am, making my move. I think we'd be great together. You seem to like to have fun, we can have fun together, meeting new people, going new places, seeing new things. Your laughter is contagious, even through the televison when you laugh, I can't help but at least smile if not laugh myself. You make the best out of these situations, so much even that I can tell it continues off the camera as well. You like to be friends with people and respect their stuff and them as people, you know that's a big deal to me, you tease. You seem to love to travel, I love to travel, I would never stop you from doing what you enjoy. I too enjoy looking at other people's things. The great part is you see the beau

Good things for September

September 1: I so waited so long I forgot this day September 2: yeah, this one too. Sorry! September 3:Visited my home town and spent quality time with my family. September 4: The weather is absolutely beautiful today. September 5: Talked to my LeighAnn tonight, long over due!! September 6: Made a fantastic dinner that took me by surprise. Yes food was my good thing for the day. lol . September 7: I got the news of Jake and Cody's visit and requested the time off of work so I can enjoy their trip! September 8: had a great lunch with two great friends, also got great news about closing getting scheduled! September 9: I had such a great drive home, perfect temperature, good traffic, and good thoughts. September 10: I finally got to sign off my business after 9 months of dealing with the buyer and after nearly 5 of the craziest years of my life. It's done and I couldn't be happier! September 11: Today was uneventful and today that's my good thing. It sounds crazy, but thi

The boys are back in town.....

Well not quite, but there isn't a song that sticks out in my head that says "They boys will be back in town on Friday" so I made due with what I knew. Maybe I should write my own song....hmmmm...... My excitement to see the boys this weekend may or may not be a little over the top, but I'm o.k. with that. There is a screaming queen inside of me that is squeeling that it's almost Friday....... .. .. .. .. .. .. ..............................I can't believe I just typed that. I have some more things to talk about, but I have to get ready for work, this 40 hrs/week thing is for the birds, I'm supposed to be a man of leisure.................right?

Two posts? One day?!?

Just a quick note to update those of you who may not have heard. IT'S OVER!!! THE BUSINESS IS OFFICIALLY GONE!!!! The check is being deposited this afternoon and tomorrow I can start writing checks and get these bills paid off and caught up and I can finally move forward with a better looking slate, it may not be getting cleaned off, but it's getting cleaned up!!! Thanks for reading the last 5 crazy years, here's to hoping the next 5 are just as crazy, but better crazy. ;)

A different light

So the last post really started to bother me, I've reread it several times and besides the awful gram er in some of it and the use of words that probably don't exist (lol) I realized that I may have painted my parents in a bad light. It is not that my parents have never celebrated these moments in my life, it's not that they haven't joined me in the joy of the moment, it's more that my mother has severe anxiety when it comes to crowds. Not just crowds of people that she doesn't know, crowds of people in general, family included. There are always reasons for not having parties, or celebrations, usually a lack of time or lack of money so that's why I told myself to get over it. Many times it was I that kept putting off a party until I had the money and then I would just give up after waiting so long. The last post was written from a very self centered place and a place I hate to visit, especially when there is so much good happening in my life. :) My new job i

An unceremonial life

So I said yesterday about how I signed off on my business and it made me so happy, and it really did. Tomorrow I get to sit down and start writing checks to pay off so many bills that have haunted me over the last few months, I'll be caught up and 3/4 of the money I borrowed from my parents will be paid back. That alone is such a relief, such a load off of my shoulders, and a load off of my heart. I imagined what it would be like, that time afterwards. I imagined champagne toasts, a celebratory dinner with my family with toasts and thanks and sharing memories. What really happened you ask? I came home, told them the news, they sighed and then told me to take a nap so I wasn't tired driving home that night. We went to dinner with my grandma and her friend and then I drove home to a house of kitties and that was all. No toasts, no drinks, no family celebration. It was so anti climactic I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even driving home that night thinking about paying

5 years

Today I was finally able to sign over my business, after months of dealing with this crap, it's finally over. The buyer will be signing the bank papers on Monday which will produce my check which will allow me to pay off my bills, or at least catch them up!!! I'm so stinkin excited. I have more to say but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write more on the subject later.

Teaching this old dog some new tricks.

After I moved down here I found things were changing, not the obvious things like scenery, who I talk to daily, etc... but my eating habits. I always assumed they would change because I eat differently when I live with someone. When someone is there I feel they judge me, I know it's not true, but as long as I keep believing it it keeps me in check. lol. What I didn't see coming was my appetite. I'm really starting to pay attention to eating only when I'm hungry, and you know what I figured out? I'm not hungry that often. This has led to eating less often and eating less in general, I found it doesn't require as much food to fill me up. I still battle at times from trying to eat too much if the food is good, but I'm getting there. I also have to try and rethink what I order at restaurants because I tried to order what I normally order and can hardly bring myself to finish half of it. It seems to be paying off. My belts used to be for decoration, purely t

A life of hoarding

So I was watching Hoarders today on A&E, pretty much all day because it sucks me in and interests me. As I watched these people struggle with their issues I realized just how much alike I was to some of these people. I listened to the excuses they made when it came to the condition of their homes and lives and it was like watching myself. I could hear myself saying these things over the last many years. "that could come in handy later" "Oh I could use that cup" "Do you know what projects I could do with that?" "That just means so much to me, I can't bare to part with it." I've gotten over most of the attatchment I've had to a lot of the "stuff" in my life. I have some more work to do, but overall for 33 I think I'm doing fairly well. What astonished me more was the realization I do this with people as well. There are people in my life that have proven to be toxic. Where at one time they meant so much to me, o

Paths not chosen

I often find myself thinking about the past, usually after a big change in my life. I think about the choices offered to me at the time and the paths I chose to take at the time and why. Often my choices were led by insecurities. I can't think back that far, but as a child I hid behind my weight, I high doubt it was a conscious decision back in the day, I did have genetics battling against me, but somewhere along the line I learned it was just too hard and kept giving up on losing weight. I spent most of the middle school years on all sorts of diets, slim fast was the longest running one but I just couldn't find the will power to stick to it. I've battled all of my life with it, I hid behind it and used it as an excuse for all sorts of things. I was a very talented swimmer, my gym teacher told me so, but because I was so big I just couldn't make the team. He worked with me for awhile to help me, but when it got hard I quit. Had I lost the weight I would have competed,

Beneath the surface

Beneath the surface of my every day demeanor is anger. An anger so strong and so powerful that it honestly scares me. I try to bury it as deep as I think I can, but somehow it only takes a light scrath to bring it to the surface. I've dealt with it all my life and it only seems to grow stronger. It doesn't always show in everyday life, but it appears during frustrating moments like dropping a screw while I'm working on a construction project, or financial matters with the business or sometimes it's random small situations that seem to bring it out. I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped ba

Good things

So I decided to start doing the list of good things, it's an idea copied from Bethany who copied it from someone else. I was hesitant at first of using other people's ideas, but it's a good one so I did it anyway. lol. I find it good to find something good in every day, it helps me refocus some of my energy. So here it is, I started late, so it isn't much, but enjoy it anyway. August 22: I was told by my boss that he recieved three compliments today all about me and that customers would be returning because of me. It made me feel really good. August 23: My friend Genia came to visit on her way home and we had a great lunch. I always love seeing Genia! August 24: I realized after having my daily long sometimes awkward phone call with my father, that he calls for random things because I think he misses me. It felt good. August 25: I got to see my roommate today, haven't seen much nor will I be seeing much of her until next week. Oh and I got off work 1/2 hour early to

Sometimes it's the small things

I talked to my friend Free the other day and he asked how things were going. How the job was going and how the roommate situation was going and such, just over all checking up on me. He asked me if I was happy here, and I told him while it isn't what I thought it would be right away, I really am happy. The small things/changes are what really makes a difference. My life is pretty similar to the life I had further north. I spend time at work and at home and driving in between. It seems to be all there is right now. I've been invited to a couple of different times out but because of work I had to decline, similar to my life up north but it's the small things that have made the difference. When I'm listening to Cher in my car, or even Lady Gaga and pull up to a stop light with other cars around I don't have the sudden urge to turn down the radio enough that no one else can hear and judge me by what I'm listening too. I can have conversations with my roommate out at

How do money and happiness work together?

So I've spent most of my day today thinking about the balance of money to life and thinking about the reasons I moved to Cincinnati and left behind everything I once knew. I had an interview today for a job I really think I would enjoy, and could be really good at and grow well into. A job I was excited about. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'll be hearing about it tomorow or Monday. After the interview I came home and my phone didn't stop ringing. People wanting their money was a couple of them of course. Another call I recieved was from Speeday, a call I had given up on long ago. They are ready for the next step in the interview process. I remember when I interviewed I was very excited about the money aspect of it, but that was the only exciting part about the job. I would be running a carryout with a schedule worse than what I worked at Wendy's. It's everything I've done except someone paying me better for it, but it dawned on me the other day.

An update for you all

So here's an update for those of you not on facebook (yes, you know I'm looking at you) and the rest of you as well. Closing has once again been delayed. There is an issue with the liquor license, it boils down to the lawyer telling me that if we close before the transfer is official then he can no longer sell alcohol until the transfer is complete. Well he got the letter stating he had 14 days to send in my license so they can send him his. What this means is the state has officially transfered ownership of the license, therefore making mine invalid which is why he needs to send it back and they will officially print his and send it too him. Legally the transfer has been made. I tried to explain this to the lawyer, who I would assume already know this. I had this conversation with my liquor agent when I went through the transfer 5 years ago, so it's not like I'm some idiot making a guess about how this is happening. Yet, my 75 year old lawyer couldn't seem t

finally a post?

Yes yes, but before you get too excited, I'm just really here to let you all know that I'm alive and well. lol. Working full time again after two or three weeks off has been an adjustment. I still have plenty of time to think and to plot more posts, and I have some ideas in my head of things I want to start doing, but really, it's probably not going to happen for awhile. This is all due to a few factors. 1) I have this unbelievable amount of worry and stress sitting on my heart and my mind currently while I await the closing of the business and this has a strong effect on my inspiration and my mood. I learned to not write in certain moods, and right now as much as I try to avoid it, the mood is affecting me....or should I say infecting me. The end is near, but until it does this weighs heavily on my mind. 2) I'm not comfortable typing on a laptop. I often lose my train of thought because of missing a key or something, it sounds stupid I know it does, I'm very gr

A whole new world

So Bethany keeps asking me if it feels like I'm living here yet and I keep waiting for it to really hit me. It started to hit me when I had to go back to my parents to finish somethings up with the store and I kept calling Cinci home, but really that's all. It's started to bother me, I thought, well maybe after I start working, but I started work today and it just doesn't feel like it. I think much of it has to do with Cinci has been a place to vacation for me for so many years, I'm seeing people I usually only see 6 times a year or less, I'm having drinks with friends I haven't seen in years. I'm working a job that is the polar opposite to the jobs I used to have. It's so strange, really the only thing that is the same to what life was like before is my furniture and I really don't see it all that much. lol. I'm o.k. with all this though. I'm o.k. with everything being new, it's what I wanted, it's what I searched for, and

Cardboard boxes

One would not think much about boxes, they're used to ship things, you use them to move things and so on and so forth. It's kind of insane to say but I have an attatchment to cardboard boxes. I've moved so many times so far in my lifetime I've used a lot of boxes. When I moved one of the last couple of times back and forth to school I started to keep boxes. I figured it was silly to track down boxes all the time when I would just be moving again, so I began to keep them. I'd break them down and store them under my bed, in my closet, wherever I could find room. It sounds like an epsidoe from horrders I know, but it's what I did. I remember when I moved into my last apartment in Michigan I just knew it would be temporary and I by then I had accumulated many boxes, but luckily I had a storage room in that apartment so I had all the space I needed. I kept them for more than convenience, it became a sense a comfort. I was so unhappy in Michigan that having tho

One last post from "up north" lol

I had dinner with an old friend who will be moving in the opposite direction a few weeks from now. The dinner was with her family since she's staying at her parent's house during this transition in her own life. We had a bonfire and had a great time. I met her brother who.was.hot. I eye stalked him all night and had so much fun doing it. lol. Well I'm dismantling my computer in a few minutes, I'm going to miss my computer and it's only going to be a few days, but I'm going to miss it. This is also the last night for no pants time in my house. Tomorrow night I'll be staying at my parents as well as the next night, and then it's off to Cinci. While I'm going to miss certain aspects of living alone, I'm also looking forward to having company and a partner in crime. :) I can't believe it's finally happening. After over a year of planning and dreaming, it's finally happening. It's so hard to believe. :) I promise I'll post s

ACK!

6 days people!! It's flying by so quickly! I think I've changed the addresses I need to change etc... I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that needs to happen, the packing that needs to be finished and the amount of stuff to be packed into that moving trailer! lol. It's going to work out, it's going to work just fine. Then there is the camping trip two days after I move that I need to prep. for while I settle in, then it's that pesky job thing I need to find. lol. Then there is the collecting of rent next month while I'm in Cinci. the paying of bills, etc... but I can't wait. :) I'm so excited under all this stress, and there are times the excitement bubbles to the surface. :) I'm almost there, I'm almost there!!! We're packing the trailer a day earlier than I thought so I probably won't be posting until after the move. I'm staying with my parents a couple of nights because everything should be loaded on the trailer. Oh

Something I'm going to miss

Image
So I was at a family reunion today...mind you it was not my family so it's all good. But I realized one of the things I'm going to miss about living in a farming community is the honest to goodness real farm boys. It's a real shame I have to blur his face but in order to protect the innocent I have to blur his identity. Yes these photos are a bit stalker like, but they were cropped to remove the actual subjects I was taking a picture of. I swear it was just a happy accident that he happened to be in most of my photos......I promise... ;) O.K. so I may have taken one or two photos for Jake and Cody when no one was looking and that may be a little stalker like. I can admit it and I'm only slightly ashamed by it. :) O.k. I'm really not all that ashamed, I had to have his photo after watching him all day. That's not creepy.........is it? I tried to get a photo of his other great asset, but was not able to without being obvious. :)

Financial Funk

It's crazy to think that I'm in a financial funk, but then again I've been in it for years now. I know I'm going to be fine, but the unknowns are killing me. When will I start working? How much is the move going to cost me? Will I have the money to do anything once I get moved? How am I going to afford living somewhere else? Just talking about money digs me further and further into a hole. Everything is current except one bill and yet it feels as if it's going to all fall apart so quickly, I know it won't, I really do know it won't, but my mind is racing all on it's own. I spent sometime today working on a house design to take my mind off of it. It's a house that will probably never be built, it's for no one in particular but it helps take my mind off of things. Some people play video games, I design homes. lol. Being in this building still does not help my mental state of mind, it's as if everything is still the same. O.K. breath, calm d

The new digs

So it's kind of nice to only have one blog to worry about now, I really want to work some more on the layout, etc... but I'm just not sure what I want on there yet. I also need to create a new banner, but I have to wait until the creative mood strikes me. So I'm really close on being all packed. Only a few more boxes and tubs and it's all done until moving time. I'm selling my washer and dryer, finalizing details, and applying for jobs. It's hard to explain everything that's running through my mind. I had all these plans in my head for things I wanted to do, people I wanted to spend time with and trips I wanted to make before I left, but as it happened last time, I don't have the time or money to do them once again. There are people I wanted to make plans with, plans that both parties had and I seemed to be the only serious person. I made the time, had the plans but it seems no one wants to walk the walk. It's been kind of hard on me, it's

Wow

I have a theory that is so going to be proved some day. That's enough said for now. lol. What is it about dancing my butt off and the lack of central air that has me sweating my butt off today..........do you think it will work? My butt will be 3 sizes smaller in the morning? If so it would be totally worth it. lol.

A survey to lighten the mood around here.

What would happen if you were suddenly in bed with the last person who text you? no one would be shocked except her and I, we're rumored to be sleeping together anyway, but she's the friend that likes to watch male strippers with me. lol. Is the last person you kissed the one you like? I like her but not in that way....see above. Do you smoke weed everyday? no, I'm so over that crap, it was a time period that was short lived and will never be revisited. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? I'm going out tonight, so who knows! lol. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? I worked, then stayed up until 3am working on a house design. Last thing you watched on tv? currently watching My First Place Do you wear eyeliner? uh no, not something that I've ever considered.....or would even consider. Plan on getting drunk or high tonight? no, plan on having a few drinks, but drunk is not on the schedule Do you like to sleep? I feel like I'm

Bad memories

So I've been trying to recall what it was that set off the last post. What was it that happened recently that made me slide back behind all the progress I had made in my self esteem battle in loving who I am, and I realized. I was at a graduation party a few weeks back and my car was parked behind someone else's vehicle so they made an announcement asking if whoever owned the car would move it, I got up and started to walk towards my car to move it and heard a comment coming from one of the tables....."Jesus, I don't think he could even fit in a Neon" Such a comment from someone I didn't even know, it reaffirmed everything I had ever thought and a major part of me wanted to back my car out onto the highway into traffic and just wait to get hit. I know how crazy that can sound at times, I wouldn't ever do it, but that's the thought that crossed my mind. I know there is more to me than this body that I hate so much, I just feel like a fool letting mys