Sunday, December 5, 2010
So I thought since I failed you I would post a blog regarding the month of November in it's place but of course, it is now pretty late for that as well, but I figured you'd take what you could get. lol.
So the month of November entailed my first real month of my new job and everything that that entails. I found myself happy I had such a great class to be trained with, we had a wonderful trainer who entertained us and trained us well and I found myself enjoying it so much. The people I've been building relationships with at work are such good people, they are funny people and make me feel so good to be around.
The company I work for is actually very good, they value good employees and promote a close and family feeling in their departments and thrive on the success of each employee giving each person the tools they need to succeed and get wherever it is they would like to go within the organization.
The month has been full of opportunities to step outside of myself and my comfort level so it has come with some anxiety, but it's all in the name of good growth so I qualify that as a good thing. I have also been adjusting well to life in Cincinnati and mentally drawing a barrier between keeping a life in NW Ohio and realizing I can't always be there, my life is here now and if I don't commit to it, there won't be much of a life to have down here, a situation I lived through in Michigan when I lived there.
I've also had some amazing times with the roommate. While I was so hesitant to even live with someone because I'd lived alone for so long, it couldn't be better. I often find myself wondering how I ever lived the last 10 years on my own.
All in all this has been a great month and yes I'm keeping up with December so far. I have fallen but I'm getting myself back up and keep moving forward. :)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I have lots to learn, there is a word my roommate keeps telling me about that would help me, but I keep forgetting what that is....let me think...hmmm.....it only had two letters in it.......ummm.......oh, I think it was N-O. It's a funny word that I'm still researching and I think I need to start practicing. I'm sure I'll figure it out, in my own way and in my own time.
So let's see, what else to talk about....work. My new job is actually pretty cool, I can't say I'm in love with it yet because there is so much to get used to. There are so many regulations, so many different rules, so many managers and things to consider while you're trying to just help people that it can be very over whelming at times. The other aspect is forging new friendships with people. That doesn't happen all the time and I'm never really good at it, but it's slowly been working. It helps that I work with a group of pretty awesome people. There are some that stick out more than others and one of the hard things is finding time to work on building these relationships because we have our days scheduled minute by minute and I'm not used to it at all. They said we are starting during a very busy season so it's a bit tough but they say it will slow down. It's just one call after another. The longest break I've had between calls to get some of my paperwork done is 1.5 minutes. Some of these calls just amaze me.
I know you may be wondering if I'm "out" at work and while it took awhile I never lied and never alluded to anything but it still took over two weeks for someone to even ask me. I didn't deny it and I didn't hesitate and it felt good. It feels good everyday to not have to pretend to be something I'm not, to not have to hide anything, to live my life. No one has had a negative attitude about it so that helps, lol.
I'm still working at O.M. part time, but I feel that coming to an end soon. I know I used to do more hours than this, but it's really wearing on me and I don't like it. I would like to be able to get involved with something, to start doing more things and becoming more involved and these hours really take up more time than they first appeared. Now I just have to figure out how to go about actually leaving this time and not letting them talk me into staying again. It's hard at times because they are such nice people. I was invited to three of their homes today for Thanksgiving, I mean who does that? It really made me feel good about these people I've been working with and for.
So lately I've been feeling like I've come so far in my life, that I've gone miles on this journey I call life but I've suddenly started to feel like I'm at a cross roads again, that I'm standing in the middle of this intersection kicking around stones trying to make up my mind about what direction to go, what road to take. I feel like there are some pretty big decisions to be made, some big steps to be taken and I'm just not ready to move yet. It's safer to stand in the middle of the cross roads and kick around the dirt a little. These roads are full of grown up decisions, comitments and fulfilling promises I once made to myself about the future I was wanting, the future I promised myself so often in my days of hoplessness. It's all so cryptic and yet so clear to me. All I need is a little ambition, a little dedication, and to put myself into these movements and go forward, but for now I'll stand here and keep thinking.
So today while I was cleaning up my living area I moved my scale around and decided to step up on it and see what it had to say. I never weighed myself before I moved, I never considered it really but within weeks of me moving people were talking about my face getting skinnier and such and so in late September I weighed myself and realized I had lost some weight, I didn't know how much exactly but it was around 15-20# from what I remembered I weighed myself at the last time and was pretty excited but was still amazed at the number I was looking at. I have been worried a little lately because I felt like I was putting it all back on and I was trying to figure out what to do about it, but what I discovered today was that I have lost an additional 17# since the week before I started this job which was only 4 weeks ago.
All I keep thinking is that I'm not even really trying all that hard. I just keep thinking what I could do if I actually applied myself and realized that everything in my life is like that. I have a problem that I get comfortable and stop trying, sometimes things happen anyway without me trying and I'm not sure why, but then I wonder what it would be like if I really tried, if I put myself into everything I do, put effort into everything I do, where could I go? What would be possible then? It's one of those things that has been on my mind lately.
My mind has been getting backed up a little because I haven't been blogging. I would be worse if I was still living alone, but I have a great sounding board that I live with, a pretty rockin friend that's around all the time to listen to me or just make me laugh. Sometimes that's all I need in a day is laughter, or someone to listen to, or someone to talk to. I really don't know how I lived alone for so long, I feel like I cheated myself, but then again I wouldn't appreciate what I have now.
Well I should go, I still have to run to the gas station.....on second thought I should take the car, it would be easier to put gas in it if it was with me after all. Back to work in the morning for a day then off for the weekend!!
Love you guys!!
Monday, November 15, 2010
I find myself falling into some familiar patterns that I'm trying to stop, they are familiar, but they are not the same. I had this really strange blog in my head, but the coughing won't stop at the moment for me to make sense of it, so I'm letting it go.
It's been less than 24 hours and I already forget what good health feels like.
I'm a horribly pathetic baby, and I'm not even that sick yet. lol.
I'll push through I promise.
Monday, November 1, 2010
October 2: I notified OM of my leaving in two weeks and things went well, it was a weight lifted and at the same time excitingly nerve wrecking. lol.
October 3: An evening on the couch in my pajamas after work just felt really good tonight.
October 4: I picked up my new glasses today!!
October 5: I was sitting on the patio after work tonight and it dawned on me.......I'm actually living in Cincinnati. :)
October 6: Parents came to town and we had a great day!
October 7: I made a connection with someone today, it probably won't go anywhere, but it was nice to feel a connection.
October 8: Had a great day at work, not much work accomplished but we had a good time.
October 9: nothing bad happened today, that was my good thing for the day. lol.
October 10: Pizza and Alias with my roommate. How did I live alone for so long?
October 11: I had a very productive day and it felt really good.
October 12: For the first time in more years than I can remember I accepted a second job, not because I HAVE to, but because I want to.
October 13: I had the most hilarious 4 hours I've had in quite awhile, I burned a lot of calories from laughing tonight, who knew grocery shopping could be that much fun.
October 14:I made some homemade Pesto and it turned out amazing!! My culinary skills are growing and it's so much fun!
October 15: I finally got Bethany's laptop connected to the Internet through the new wireless network! Success!!!.............finally. lol.
October 16: I survived an odd day, and was able to talk myself down from a guilt ledge.
October 17: I had a beautiful and safe drive to see my friends in Missouri.
October 18: I got to teach my god kids how to play checkers and general merriment
October 19: Jaden hugged me and said he was going to remember this visit forever.
October 20: I had a safe drive home on a beautiful day
October 21: Had a great celebration dinner with the family at B.D's Mongolian Bar-b-que!!
October 22: Paid the final electric bill for the store, I don't ever have to go back!
October 23: Game time/ quality time with my brother and friends, it was a good day!
October 24: I got to catch up with some old friends going through an interesting time in their lives.
October 25: Enjoyed my first day of the new job, I think I could get used to it.
October 26: Let down some barriers, only a few, but enough to make me feel really good.
October 27: Loving the trainer and made a friend, got paid to have a really good time!
October 28: Building friendships and loving the training process and everyone I meet, thinking this was a gift from God.
October 29: Had an amazing day, great day at work building some great relationships and drinks and dinner with my hilarious roommate!! Remembered to give some major props to the man upstairs for what is starting out to be an amazing new start.
October 30: Got to eat at the cheesecake factory and even enjoyed the food coma that followed!
October 31: Had a hilarious time sitting with roommie passing out candy tonight!
Friday, October 29, 2010
So since we last visited there has been so much happening I hope I can cover it all. I've been absent for a small part because I finally had DSL installed and that came with it's own set of problems, I was concentrating for awhile on getting the two computers in this house connected to the network and get the internet working....o.k. that really only took a couple of days but there's more, I promise. lol.
I put my two weeks notice in at O.M. and it was a rough week. They didn't treat me badly or anything, they felt a little lost and were trying to figure out what to do. They eventually asked me to stay on part time and basically write my own schedule. I hadn't really thought about staying all that much, I won't need the money and looked forward to working just one job, but really I enjoy the job and the people so much I eventually decided to stay on for two nights a week, not because I had to, but because I wanted to, a choice I had not been able to make for quite some years.
I did take a week off between what was supposed to be my last week at O.M. and my first week at the bank. What did I do for an entire week you may ask? Seriously, you can ask....I'll wait patiently for it........................................................................................o.k. there we go. I decided to do some traveling and went to Missouri for four days to see a very good friend and my godchildren. I hadn't been out there for a better part of 6 years and finally had the time to do it, so I did. I had a great trip, a great drive, a great visit and some wonderful memories, it made me so happy.
I came home on Wednesday afternoon and relaxed, did some laundry, and repacked and left Thursday morning to head back to my parents house. I spent the whole weekend visiting with some great friends, catching up with my family and even more great friends. I had a great time, but by the time Sunday rolled around, I was ready to come home. I love them all dearly but that town gets to me after too long. It's amazing how quickly I grew accustomed to being myself down here that stuffing part of me back in the closet for the whole long weekend made me very claustrophobic.
This whole week was my first week at the bank, I was a nervous wreck about the drive, about meeting all new people again, a job I had never done before, etc... I think back to that first day, that was just Monday and think about what an amazing week it's been. Everyone I have met at the bank has been so amazing, friendly and just so easy to get to know. Our training class is a larger class of about 20 people but we all mesh so well. I haven't laughed this much at "work"....ever come to think of it. I do realize that when I get to the actual job it's going to be tougher but we have an amazing trainer who seems to be doing a really great job and is hilarious to boot.
I'm learning a lot about the banking industry that I'm actually finding very interesting. I actually look forward to each day and the days go by so quickly. The company really does seem like a really good company and I keep thinking how blessed I am to find myself in such a great situation finally after the last several years. This new start has had such an amazing beginning and I'm ever so grateful. To live a life, my life, has really been so great. The feeling is amazing and has made me love Cinci even more.
It seems so crazy that such a few silly differences could make such a huge difference in my life and in my mind, but it really has. I feel I've really come a long way since I've moved down here, I can feel it in every laugh, in every tear from laughing so hard, and every new connection I make. I can feel it beginning, this new start, this new life, the life I've been waiting for, the life I nearly gave up on, I can feel it. I know that not every day will be so happy and filled with laughter, I know there are going to be some tough times, there always are, but so far they seem so much easier to handle and live through.
I truly am a very incredibly blessed person.
(the exception of course is the rush hour traffic, but I digress) ;)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
It's hard to believe how long I spent like that. Constantly tired, constantly stressed, and constantly thinking people were out to get me, or that I was out to get myself. It opened my eyes to reasoning behind my midemeanor of that time. It made me realize just how far I've come since then and how different my life is now. I can see it in the progression of my blog posts, in notes I've left myself and how I handled certain situation back then.
It started to scare me about what all those years have done to my health, both physical and emotional, but each scar, each moment carries knowledge and all lead to the life I have now. It's easy to wish I had never done it, but without it I wouldn't be who or where I am today. Each moment of stress, each moment of exhaustion was something I needed to do, believe it or not it cleared up a lot of things from the past and built ideas and thoughts for the future. I don't regret those years, and while I wish the end result had been different, it was still the basic end result I had wanted, so who am I to say that God didn't know what he was doing.
One thing that really shocked me was our trip to Applefest. No less than 6 months ago I would have seen the crowds from that day and I would have found an excuse to wait in the car or hang out in a non crowded area. I never would have been able handle that crowd, all those people, shoulder to shoulder, I either would have had to taken my zanex before I got there or I would have had to excuse myself. It was then I realized the tie between my stress level and my anxiety. It was feeding the anxiety and doubling the stress of the situation and it shocked me how I was able to handle it without the medication at this point.
Knowing my family history and the anxiety that runs through my blood I realize it won't last forever, but hopefully at this point I'll be able to handle it on my own for a little longer. I'm not saying that I'm against medication, but let's face it, I have no insurance yet and would like to put medication off a little longer until I have insurance to help pay for it. I had twinges of the anxiety throughout the day but I managed it alright instead of lashing out at people or myself, you know, the way I used to deal with it. lol.
Overall I'm thinking this new life is much healthier, I'm not silly enough to think that this new life won't have stress of it's own, but really in the scale of stress, I can't imagine too much that will register on that scale. I'm looking forward to this new life, it has given me an outlook I didn't think could be and I'll forever be grateful for this opportunity for a new life.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I really wish I had known ahead of time so I could have come up with some words of my own to show my appreciation to each of them but I'm not very good with on the spot speeches. I'm a write it down ahead of time type of person as I get so nervous, even in small groups that I forget what I want to say. I felt as if my speech didn't portray what I wanted to say so I decided to do a speech for each of you on here.
Bethany: I can't even begin to thank you for everything you've done for me to help me on this journey. Our friendship took me by surprise and was a whirlwind of awesomeness that I never could have expected. I thank God often for crossing our paths. Not only have you supported me emotionally to get me to the point I'm at, you've helped guide the religious journey I continue on, you have loved me when I needed love, you pushed me when I needed pushed and you have called me on crap I need to be called on. To top everything off you opened your home to me to made this opportunity for change so much more feasible and easier. I love you, and thank you for being such a rocking roommate. I look forward to the future as our friendship only gets stronger and we continue to grow together.
Sharen: I can't even remember the first time I met you, if it was here in Cinci or at your parents house, I can't remember because it was like I have known you forever. It seems as if we've been family for the entire time. You make me feel so comfortable to be myself and I can't express how that makes me feel. Your constant value searching is catchy and tells me I have a lot to learn yet. You're an amazing mom and constantly surprise me at the amounts of everything you juggle and make it all seem so easy.
Jeff: What can I say about Apples, except there are so very few straight men out there like you. You are always welcoming, caring and friendly, especially when there is macaroni or potato salad involved. lol. You've made me feel like part of the family and I can't tell you how much that means to me.
Cody: I just can't explain it Cody, you bring something out in me, a part of me I enjoy, and while people warn me I only encourage you, I really enjoy our time together. You wrap your wisdom and experience in hilarious, line crossing stories that keep me laughing and thinking at the same time. I'm able to express things with you that I never thought I would be able to express to anyone and with you it just rolls off my tongue (insert the dirty joke here). You can be hilarious and serious all at the same time and you make me feel as if I could call on you at any time if I need to, and someone I can always count on to sing show tunes with.
Jake: It's very hard for me to put to words what your friendship has meant to me. It sounds silly at times seeing as how little time we've spent together. Your willingness to help someone in need, someone you had never met or spoken too before said volumes about who you are from the very beginning. When our paths crossed without even knowing each other, it came at a time that I needed it the most. The advice, and help that came from even knowing someone who knew you was so needed and I've never forgotten it. Your words and actions have had a profound impact on my life. I know you enough to realize you probably don't think you have it all together, but in watching you (not in a creepy stalker way of course) you really do. You have stumbles and it's o.k because that's human nature, it's how we learn, but you do live an inspiring life.
I hate to think that any of these would make it sound like I value one of you more than the other because it's not true, you all inspire me in different ways and you have all raised the bar in how I value future friendships and what I expect out of people I hold close to my heart.
I can't thank you all enough for that night. I'm sorry it's taken so long to post about but it's taken me awhile to put it to words and to get through it honestly. If I would have tried to get through this that night I would have been a hot mess. lol.
Thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart. I couldn't imagine a better group of people to celebrate such a big change in my life with.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Well anyway one assignment we had was to descriptively describe what we thought love was. It was an interesting assignment as there were young people like me, older people like my friend, some divorced people etc... When we had our assignments complete we would get into groups and read each other's essays and talk about them. Sometimes it was about the writing itself and sometimes it was the story and sometimes it was both.
So I wrote this story about what I thought love was. How devoted each person should be, how each could have their own life and yet be a part of one another. I wrote about how deep love should be, how love should be deep enough that you would give your own life for the one you love. Everyone agreed it was a great essay but the group agreed I was too love to fully understand love.
All of the married people in the group said they would not give their lives for their husbands/wives. How they would give their lives for their children, but never for their spouse. I was in shock by this. I asked them how they could honestly say that their love only went so deep, that they had limits as to what they would do for one another and that I didn't want a part of that love. They told me I was much to young to understand.
It pissed me off, it still pisses me off. I knew they were wrong, and honestly I still think they are wrong. My grandparents would have given their lives for one another easily. My grandmother wept as my grandfather took his last breath and screamed for God to take her and not him. This is the love I was raised around. If you were to ask my parents if they would give their lives for one another they would both answer yes without hesitation. This is what I know, and this is what I've grown to expect. No less. It sounds crazy to some, and maybe there are people that can spend their lives with someone that has limits on their love, I'm not sure and maybe that's why I'm still single, who knows.
But just when I think my family is full of freaks, well more than normal anyway, I have a new story to tell you.
A dear friend of mine suffers from kidney failure. He's had a rough few years medically since he had his heart attack several years ago, then he got diabetes, and then his kidney's shut down. He's been having a rough time but putting on a brave front and doing what he had to do to keep on living. He'd get up at 5am to go sit at dialysis for 4 hours and then go work his 12 hour day and then home. He does it because he has too.
His wife, also a very dear friend of mine who I met first is the most loving and incredible woman you can meet. They had a rough go of it the first few years, there was fighting, there was screaming, there was a terrifying car chase I was involved in but through it all they loved each other. She said it best when she told me they wouldn't fight as bad if they didn't love each other. When you spoke to each of them separately they would not bad mouth each other except in the usual funny banter, never bitching about anything they wouldn't talk about with each other. They didn't have many secrets from each other and would do anything for one another.
This is proven in this story, trust me. So as he was cleared to be put on the transplant list by his doctors the search started. He told me he had a tough time asking anyone and didn't want to ask anyone he knew to even consider it. Three of his kids from previous marriages never even considered it, in fact one asked what kind of money was involved if he were to die. Yeah, those kids take after their mother. His youngest child who is in jail for reasons that would require an entire post in itself met with his lawyer and the warden to see if he could at least get tested and they told him if no one else from the family stepped up they would start the paperwork to at least get him tested.
Well to every one's surprise (except mine) his wife wanted to get tested and really wanted to be the one to donate a kidney to her husband. The doctors explained what would happen, all the risks etc... and she took a few days to actually consider it and convince her husband to at least let her get tested. He didn't want anything to do with it but let backed down because he knows his wife. lol. Her brothers, sisters, father, step mother and even her kids told her there was no way she would even consider it, and they wouldn't support her in doing it.
Of course this didn't seem to stop her because she is who she is and knows her husband has been more of a support system for her than her family ever was, and I'm including her kids in this as well. Long story short she was tested and text me today that she is a match and she's already packing and making the plans to get it done. She didn't care who supported her because she was doing it regardless. When I first talked to her about it all I told her I knew she would do it and I thought it was a great idea. I told her she'd be selfish if she didn't, I mean how would her husband feel with two bum kidneys and her sitting on the same couch with two good kidneys?
She got a kick out of it and knew I had her back.
To me, that's what love is. This post is a bunch of rambling and doesn't have a real flow and would seriously disappoint my writing instructor, but I don't care.
Love does exist, it's not a myth and it will totally be worth my waiting time to find it. I will not settle for anything less because I deserve it.
She used to tell us that design was all around us. She had us do elevations that inspired us, building facades that we really enjoyed but we were not supposed to do a floor plan. After we presented our elevations she had us put them on the table and study them. Study the lines and remember what it was about it that inspired us. She then had us put a layer of onion skin (a very thin sketching paper) over the elevation and told us to create a floor plan using the lines of the elevation. It was an amazing project and I had so much fun.
Another project was to take a bottle of ink, get an eye dropper and place two blobs of ink on a 2x2 square of paper and use something to spread the ink, anything. I used a drywall screw and started to move the ink around and she went crazy for it. That's the kind of person she was, pushing for us to see the beauty.
The class was about 20 of us, people I had seen before but in particular there were two other students there that got it as well. Two students I had never spoken to before because it seemed like we were just so different that we would never have anything to talk about. Even still I couldn't stop watching them I wanted to get to know them because they inspired me but I kept stopping myself. One day when I was out with Patricia having a smoke both of these student came out, one to smoke and one just to talk. Patricia got us all interacting and talking about design and life in general and both of these students were just as I imagined.
One was a daughter of Swedish hippies named Jana (pronounce Yana) and the other a guy named J.P. Yes, I did find J.P. incredibly attractive, he was creative, he was rugged and he was sexy but I wasn't able to concentrate on his rugged sexiness because he was such an amazing person. After that time we spent together outside we started talking more, I felt more comfortable talking with them during class and even outside of class. Eventually we all became pretty good friends and talked about more than just class. I had made friends and it was awesome.
We started going out to lunches after class, they had grown up in the area and knew all the little out of the way places to eat and took me to these places and shared their experiences. This was when I was introduced to sushi, it was amazing. Afterwards we would head to the mall and go to the Godiva store and each purchase one truffle as desert. These times we spent together meant so much to me. I told them both at lunch one day about how I wanted to get to know them both since the first day of class and how paralyzed I was that they would have nothing to do with me. They both just stared at me like I was crazy and it opened up a dialogue about life, college and human nature.
I do that often, I see interesting people that I think I would really like to get to know but I shy away thinking I won't be enough. I know it's crazy, but it's a part of who I am, a part I'm trying to work on.
I do miss those two, after graduation we just lost touch and everyone moved on with their lives and I can't seem to find either of them. I don't think they were meant to be in my life forever and I'm o.k. with that, they were there to teach me a lesson, a lesson I appreciate more than either of them could ever understand. It also makes me miss Patricia, she passed away during my senior year from brain cancer that she didn't know she had until it was too late.
Thank you Patricia, I wish I could have told you how much that class and our friendship meant to me. You are missed.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Seriously, look at that smile, those arms.
Friday, October 1, 2010
September 2: yeah, this one too. Sorry!
September 3:Visited my home town and spent quality time with my family.
September 4: The weather is absolutely beautiful today.
September 5: Talked to my LeighAnn tonight, long over due!!
September 6: Made a fantastic dinner that took me by surprise. Yes food was my good thing for the day. lol.
September 7: I got the news of Jake and Cody's visit and requested the time off of work so I can enjoy their trip!
September 8: had a great lunch with two great friends, also got great news about closing getting scheduled!
September 9: I had such a great drive home, perfect temperature, good traffic, and good thoughts.
September 10: I finally got to sign off my business after 9 months of dealing with the buyer and after nearly 5 of the craziest years of my life. It's done and I couldn't be happier!
September 11: Today was uneventful and today that's my good thing. It sounds crazy, but thinking back to 9 years ago, who I was, where I was, and the kind of day it was, just being me and being where I'm at is my good thing for today.
September 12: My roommate arrived home after a week and I was reminded how nice it was to live with someone again.
September 13: Got my acceptance letter for the new job and while the start date is later than they originally thought, the pay is slightly higher and they offer better benefits than I've ever had at any of my jobs. I'm so freaking excited!
September 14:Had a good day at work, nothing overly exciting, just a pleasant day getting to know a coworker and keeping busy the whole day. Simple days can be so nice.
September 15: I had a productive day off today and even got to fit in some socializing in the evening. I don't do that nearly enough yet.
September 16: Got to have a couple of drinks and some hilarious conversation with my roommate tonight. It was so awesome to be able to celebrate the end of my business with someone in person! She also got me a fantastic water bottle I've been wanting. :) Good roommates rock!
September 17: I got to catch up on some long overdue bills and now the calls can finally stop. I also got the relief of paying back 3/4 of the amount I owed my parents and the financial relief I gave them made my day.
September 18:I had an awesome night out downtown with Dave and Dan! I got to see quite a bit of downtown, how I love being downtown.
September 19: Had a most delicious pot roast dinner with the chef, a.k.a. my rockin roommate and enjoyed an evening of Alias.
September 20: I felt appreciated today, it's happening more often than it used to which is good, but there are somedays it just feels better and today was one of those days. :)
September 21: I had a conversation with my brother that made me feel like we were both grown ups. It meant a lot to me that he called to get some advice from his "little" brother.
September 22: There is no better way to end a rough day than with a beer or two with a fantastic roommate.
September 23: Today was the last of 9 days straight of working. Finally some rest and relaxation.
September 24: Finally got my eyes checked after 5 years and order some new glasses and got a new pair of contacts! My eyes feel so much better already.
September 25: Had a celebration like no other and was made to feel like the most loved human being on the planet. God has blessed me with some of the most amazing people as friends. I finally feel like I've actually celebrated appropriately for the big steps that have been taken lately.
September 26: it was beautiful weather to sit outside with the roommate and a nice night to watch some Alias.
September 27: Today I cleaned the house and returned it back to the normal house of two people rather than the house of four and other than that relaxed, didn't leave the house and relaxed.....and didn't feel guilty. It was beautiful.
September 28: The two workmen that insulated the attic today were so cute, yes, my good thing for the day was the eye candy I was able to enjoy for most of the day. lol.
September 29: My GPS unit came in the mail today!! Woot!
September 30: Had a great dinner with friends and coffee out with the guys tonight. It was a good day. :)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Maybe I should write my own song....hmmmm......
My excitement to see the boys this weekend may or may not be a little over the top, but I'm o.k. with that. There is a screaming queen inside of me that is squeeling that it's almost Friday.......
..............................I can't believe I just typed that.
I have some more things to talk about, but I have to get ready for work, this 40 hrs/week thing is for the birds, I'm supposed to be a man of leisure.................right?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
IT'S OVER!!! THE BUSINESS IS OFFICIALLY GONE!!!!
The check is being deposited this afternoon and tomorrow I can start writing checks and get these bills paid off and caught up and I can finally move forward with a better looking slate, it may not be getting cleaned off, but it's getting cleaned up!!!
Thanks for reading the last 5 crazy years, here's to hoping the next 5 are just as crazy, but better crazy. ;)
There are always reasons for not having parties, or celebrations, usually a lack of time or lack of money so that's why I told myself to get over it. Many times it was I that kept putting off a party until I had the money and then I would just give up after waiting so long. The last post was written from a very self centered place and a place I hate to visit, especially when there is so much good happening in my life. :)
My new job is finally going to happen. I won't start for another month yet but I'm so excited. They sent an offer letter laying out the benefits, expectations, and schedule and such and I just kept reading and rereading because I kept waiting for a catch. I have had what I find out to be so many bad jobs. It's not like the jobs were bad, but the companies really lacked an appreciation for their employees. It's so strange to see all these options and benefits available to employees, is this really how it's supposed to be? It's just so out of my norm, but it's so exciting!
My current job has been going well also. The people are really nice, the job is easy and for the most part keeps me busy enough that time passes fairly quickly. The management seems to like me and appreciate me, with the exception of them being rather homophobic (not to a dangerous degree thankfully) everything seems to be going well. I have been really contemplating staying on and keeping it as a second job. I hate the thought of quitting after such a short time and I like the job and I always like to have a back-up, just-in case.
Before anyone starts getting fired up about the last couple of statements in that sentence, I have decided I don't need a second job and would like to try living a normal life. I like the idea of having time off, a normal schedule and not overbooked with everything. I figure if I leave on a good note I can always go back if I were to ever need to. Of course, this isn't Nappy town there are more jobs than just one. lol. It's hard to get past all of that.
I do have a post or two that I'm working on but aren't ready yet, I just didn't want to keep looking at that last post because it was bothering me. The past is the past, they call it history for a reason (you know, that doesn't even really make sense to me. lol.) Anyway, that's all for today, I'm looking forward to the future and the possibilities that it contains. :)
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I imagined what it would be like, that time afterwards. I imagined champagne toasts, a celebratory dinner with my family with toasts and thanks and sharing memories. What really happened you ask? I came home, told them the news, they sighed and then told me to take a nap so I wasn't tired driving home that night. We went to dinner with my grandma and her friend and then I drove home to a house of kitties and that was all.
No toasts, no drinks, no family celebration. It was so anti climactic I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even driving home that night thinking about paying these bills off and not having this huge debt and huge amount of stress on my mind and my heart and it was so hard for me to imagine. It's hard to believe it's over.
Even my moving was very unceremoniously. I was going to have a party so I could see everyone before I left, or at least give them an opportunity to see me before I left but I had no time and no money, and since I'm the only one that would throw a party like that, it never got done. I'm now getting emails and phone calls asking me when I moved, when did I sell the store, etc... People are actually upset with me because I didn't visit them before I left. Really? I knew it would happen, it always does. I slipped out of town as if I left in the middle of the night and few even noticed.
I'm not one for a big party or celebration, but isn't it human nature to have that just once? I think back on my life and the biggest changes have been met with boring mundane every day life. I graduated college and never had a party, just went to work the next day. I moved to Michigan and no one noticed. I moved away from Michigan and no one noticed. I opened my own business and never even had a grand opening. I sold the business and nothing. I just feel as if I'm missing out on something, like these milestones have gone unnoticed. I'm not sure what I expect, perhaps it's wrong to have these feelings, perhaps it's wrong to want these things, I'm just not sure.
It seems awfully selfish the more I think about it, maybe I just need to be happy that these things have happened and keep moving on with my life. There are so many people who don't have these things in their life so why should I shove it in people's faces. I need to just put on my big boy pants and get on with my life already.
I'm just having a stupid self pity party, but it's over. The store is gone and soon I'll be all caught up and the bills will be paid with the exception of some money I'm still going to owe to a private investor, but it could have been so much worse, so I'm going to be thankful for what has happened, the life I've been given and opportunities before me.
I have more to say but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write more on the subject later.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I always assumed they would change because I eat differently when I live with someone. When someone is there I feel they judge me, I know it's not true, but as long as I keep believing it it keeps me in check. lol.
What I didn't see coming was my appetite. I'm really starting to pay attention to eating only when I'm hungry, and you know what I figured out? I'm not hungry that often. This has led to eating less often and eating less in general, I found it doesn't require as much food to fill me up. I still battle at times from trying to eat too much if the food is good, but I'm getting there. I also have to try and rethink what I order at restaurants because I tried to order what I normally order and can hardly bring myself to finish half of it.
It seems to be paying off. My belts used to be for decoration, purely there "just in case", but now they are being used because without them all the pants I own fall off of me just by walking. It's not a ton of weight yet, but it's a start, the pants I had to buy for work were 1 size down from what I normally buy so it keeps me motivated. Now if I can get excersize more often it might just start to go faster. lol. I'll take what I can get though, even small victories are still victories.
So for any of you that don't know yet the update on the business is as follows. The liquor license has officially been transfered and assuming the bank is ready for Friday we'll be able to close this deal on Friday!!! Finally after 9 months of working this deal, it's finally coming to a close!!! I can't wait to sign that thing over and transfer the utilities, oh what a relief that will be!!
So anyway that's the update. :)
I've gotten over most of the attatchment I've had to a lot of the "stuff" in my life. I have some more work to do, but overall for 33 I think I'm doing fairly well. What astonished me more was the realization I do this with people as well. There are people in my life that have proven to be toxic. Where at one time they meant so much to me, or helped me through a tough time, or we shared a moment. Those people I've held on to longer than I should have. There are just some people that are not meant to be a part of our lives forever.
It's a hard realization to make because it's like throwing away that part of my life, like if I cut them out of my life that piece of my history no longer means anything to me. There are days I realize it's not true and I've worked over the last several years to overcome that and keep my distance from some of these people. Sometimes they don't understand, but that has more to do with two people changing in different directions. Sometimes it's me that is pushed aside and I have a really hard time with that, accepting that I'm no longer a part of their life, or we're not as close, that things changed and I was the one that didn't realize it.
I hoard people and memories and sometimes I really just need to let go. I'm no better than someone who hoards "stuff" in thier house and I need to take a cue from some of these success stories and push through the hard stuff to get to the realization on the other side.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I often find myself thinking about the past, usually after a big change in my life. I think about the choices offered to me at the time and the paths I chose to take at the time and why. Often my choices were led by insecurities. I can't think back that far, but as a child I hid behind my weight, I high doubt it was a conscious decision back in the day, I did have genetics battling against me, but somewhere along the line I learned it was just too hard and kept giving up on losing weight. I spent most of the middle school years on all sorts of diets, slim fast was the longest running one but I just couldn't find the will power to stick to it.
I've battled all of my life with it, I hid behind it and used it as an excuse for all sorts of things. I was a very talented swimmer, my gym teacher told me so, but because I was so big I just couldn't make the team. He worked with me for awhile to help me, but when it got hard I quit. Had I lost the weight I would have competed, and it's something I didn't like to do because I could lose. I can see it clearly now all these years later.
I used my insecurities to decide what school to go to when I went back. I didn't want to live in a regular dorm because I would be too close to people and I didn't want to deal with sharing showers and bathrooms with so many other people so when I received my acceptance letters from all five schools I applied too I separated them by living situations first. Seriously? First?
I don't know what takes me down these paths because every time I think about it I realize I made these choices and I've lived with them. Each one having it's own great out come and the sum of them all has equaled a pretty damn great life so far. I think about all the great people I hold dear in my life and nearly all of them are a result of one of these decisions. Could there be other great people I would have met along the way? I'm sure of it, but I wouldn't trade a single one of the people I have now for a chance to find out, so why do I do this to myself?
I'm a very lucky person and hope that someday I can really appreciate my life for what it has been. I do have my issues that come from other decisions, but in general I'm very happy with who I've become and I do look forward to finding what the future holds for me. All I can do is continue to make the decisions that seem right for life at the time because it's worked out so far. That's the funny thing about God, he always seems to know exactly what he's doing.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped back before the venom spewed from my mouth and I said something I would later wish I hadn't.
While it's good that I have learned to pull back on it, it doesn't stop it from being in my system. My heart beats faster, my eyes get a little blurry, blood rushes to my face and I get this strength to break things I always underestimate. In the past I have broken phones from throwing them, toys when I was a kid from slamming them on the floor, several mice from my computer from being thrown or slammed onto the desk, etc... The ugliness is just too much for me now.
I wish I could get it to go away, I wish I could take things in stride and many things I can, but sometimes it just oozes from my pores and I have a hard time reining it back in and keeping it from hurting people that have nothing to do with the situation that caused it.
I guess if I'm come this far, I can go further into controlling it and preventing. Maybe what I need is to find a way to let go of the anger, a punching bag or a dumpster full of glass and a batt. lol.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
August 22: I was told by my boss that he recieved three compliments today all about me and that customers would be returning because of me. It made me feel really good.
August 23: My friend Genia came to visit on her way home and we had a great lunch. I always love seeing Genia!
August 24: I realized after having my daily long sometimes awkward phone call with my father, that he calls for random things because I think he misses me. It felt good.
August 25: I got to see my roommate today, haven't seen much nor will I be seeing much of her until next week. Oh and I got off work 1/2 hour early tonight! Woohoo!
August 26: Got three phone calls about possible jobs in one day today. Feeling needed always makes me feel good.
August 27: I was offered the job I was hoping for at the bank today alleviating much of the uncertainty of my future decisions.
August 28: Was working on a display in one aisle at work and over heard two of my supervisors in the next aisle discuss how I was worth the extra money they are paying me over the rest of the new hires. It felt good.
August 29: Watched my first full award show with my roommie and had a hilarious evening.
August 30: Had the day off of work and managed to be productive building shelves in the laundry room and organizing a lot of it as well. I like to be productive
August 31: Had a good day at work, the boss made several comments that made me feel good and made me feel like I was a valued employee.
Friday, August 27, 2010
My life is pretty similar to the life I had further north. I spend time at work and at home and driving in between. It seems to be all there is right now. I've been invited to a couple of different times out but because of work I had to decline, similar to my life up north but it's the small things that have made the difference.
When I'm listening to Cher in my car, or even Lady Gaga and pull up to a stop light with other cars around I don't have the sudden urge to turn down the radio enough that no one else can hear and judge me by what I'm listening too. I can have conversations with my roommate out at lunch in public that I never could have before based on the fear of being found out, or someone over hearing and assuming things and spreading more rumors than there were.
I'm free to be me here and it's a greater feeling than I imagined. It is something to get used to though. I went to Bethany's work today where she has told people about me being gay and outed me to her office. lol. It was mentioned breifly and I think I turned at least 10 shades of red until I realized it was o.k. here, I didn't have to put on an act, I didn't have to pretend, I could just own it and it felt good.
There really are some mental adjustments I need to make, but I'll get there because they all feel so good. The rest? It will come in time, I do know it was a little ambitious of me to expect to walk into a full social life when I got down here. lol. Little by little it will happen, for now I'm really enjoying being me and that's a hell of a start. :)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
After the interview I came home and my phone didn't stop ringing. People wanting their money was a couple of them of course. Another call I recieved was from Speeday, a call I had given up on long ago. They are ready for the next step in the interview process. I remember when I interviewed I was very excited about the money aspect of it, but that was the only exciting part about the job. I would be running a carryout with a schedule worse than what I worked at Wendy's. It's everything I've done except someone paying me better for it, but it dawned on me the other day.....aren't those the things I was moving away from?
I put off the interview with S.W. until the middle of next week because I want to see if this other job is going to pan out and I really needed to think about this because I'm really thinking that I don't want to accept the speedway job. Happiness is a factor, isn't it? I would be making good money, but at what cost? 50 hours a week isn't bad, but being on call 24/7 just doesn't have the appeal I thought. lol. I'm not sure what I'll do, I have a several days to think about it, so we'll see.
I just always have such a hard time balancing my happiness with money. I spend so much of my time thinking about money, usually at the cost of happiness. While I like working hard, I think I'm getting too old for the constantly working crap I've been doing for the last 10 years. It might be nice to put my energy into something I could enjoy and if the money isn't there right away, it will come......right? I just need to get that damn business closed, that would solve a lot of these problems.
All in time right?
Well I think I've ranted and whined enough for one night. lol.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Closing has once again been delayed. There is an issue with the liquor license, it boils down to the lawyer telling me that if we close before the transfer is official then he can no longer sell alcohol until the transfer is complete. Well he got the letter stating he had 14 days to send in my license so they can send him his. What this means is the state has officially transfered ownership of the license, therefore making mine invalid which is why he needs to send it back and they will officially print his and send it too him. Legally the transfer has been made. I tried to explain this to the lawyer, who I would assume already know this. I had this conversation with my liquor agent when I went through the transfer 5 years ago, so it's not like I'm some idiot making a guess about how this is happening. Yet, my 75 year old lawyer couldn't seem to wrap his head around the idea and said we shouldn't close until the license is in his hand.
So in the mean time I've been without income for nearly 4 weeks now. My first full paycheck from my OM gig will not be until next week, the 3rd I believe. What this means is my parents still don't have their money and have had to loan me extra money to cover some of the expenses at the store, my wonderfully patient and gracious roommate has been waiting on rent, which she assures me isn't a big deal yet, but it really is in my head. And this also means I have had to limit my groceries and spending tremendously, which probably isn't a bad thing, but all my clothes have holes, my contacts are 3 years old, and my glasses have been broken for 3 years. I really need to take care of these things because they have been put on hold for so long.
The end is near, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I think someone keeps flipping the switch because it's flickering.
My "part time" job at O.M. is going well. The managers are all really nice and tell me all the time I'm doing a great job and picking up on everything really quick. It only took a few days to learn the store as well as most of the longer associates. Most days the customers are great, but there are days I could do without them. They seem to run in packs. lol. It's an easy job at an extremly different pace than I'm used to, but it's good. The money isn't the greatest, but for now it's going to work. This has been busy season so I've been pulling nearly 40 hours a week which has been good, it wll be really nice when I get a paycheck for it! lol.
I have an interview in the morning for a different job. It's an office job at a call center for one of the big banks around here. It's 50% more money, 40 hours a week, bonuses, and benefits!!! It's been just over 5 years since I've had a job like that. I'm not getting my hopes up, but if it's meant to be, I wouldn't turn it down. lol. So anyway I should probably get to bed so I'm not yawning through the interview......I hear that's bad. lol.
Well that's all for now, I'm working on some other posts, I found that I had 8 posts that I had made some notes on and never finished, so I'm trying to get back into the mind set I was in when I created them so maybe I can finish them.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
This is all due to a few factors.
1) I have this unbelievable amount of worry and stress sitting on my heart and my mind currently while I await the closing of the business and this has a strong effect on my inspiration and my mood. I learned to not write in certain moods, and right now as much as I try to avoid it, the mood is affecting me....or should I say infecting me. The end is near, but until it does this weighs heavily on my mind.
2) I'm not comfortable typing on a laptop. I often lose my train of thought because of missing a key or something, it sounds stupid I know it does, I'm very grateful to be able to use it, but I also can't wait until I get my first paycheck and get the internet situation striaghtened out so I can get back to my desk. lol. I really do know how stupid that sounds.
3) There are days, sometimes strings of days, sometimes weeks that I feel like I have nothing of interest that anyone would possibly want to waste time reading. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to contribute to conversations, that I couldn't possibly be interesting enough to have anything worth while to say. I know it's stupid as well, but sometimes I get into that mood and I can't get myself out of it. It takes something different everytime, and I'll get there, I promise.
So anyway, that's all. My job is good, my living situation is fantastic, and my health is good with the exception of my aching feet. lol.
I'll post again soon, how soon? I can't make any promises.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
It's so strange, really the only thing that is the same to what life was like before is my furniture and I really don't see it all that much. lol. I'm o.k. with all this though. I'm o.k. with everything being new, it's what I wanted, it's what I searched for, and it's what I've been dreaming about. I live in a wonderful home with a ghetto fabulous friend, I work a cake job at the moment, there is no drama within friends, I mean seriously, I know this feeling won't last forever, but at the moment it just all feels like a dream.
I'm sure reality will start to set in, when I start paying bills here, when I get more of a social life (you know, after I have a steady income and all), and new friends (not that I plan on trading in the current friends) and so on and so forth. I'm sure it will start to feel familiar, but in a way I hope it's always new. I already feel more at home in the last 3 weeks here (wow, seriously that long already?) than I did for the first 5 years I lived in Michigan.
I really don't know how to explain it. There are things I hope for in the future, but at this moment, I'm happy. Happy how you may ask? Well that will come in another blog, I need to get to bed. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I remember when I moved into my last apartment in Michigan I just knew it would be temporary and I by then I had accumulated many boxes, but luckily I had a storage room in that apartment so I had all the space I needed. I kept them for more than convenience, it became a sense a comfort. I was so unhappy in Michigan that having those boxes meant that I could pack up and be gone in no time flat. It was my emergency escape from a life I wanted nothing to do with anymore but was afraid to let go of it, but I'll get to that in a bit.
When I moved back to Ohio there were boxes that never did get unpacked. I blamed it on time and space but really looking back it was because I didn't like my house. I didn't feel comfortable there. I didn't like to have people over I didn't like to spend time there, I just looked for excuses to get out of there. To my own surprise I did manage to part with some of my boxes when some of my friends moved but somehow I always ended up with them, and more actually.
It was always my safety net, it was my escape route, my way out if you will. When I moved down here to Cinci. Bethany told me I was not keeping the boxes, they were to be thrown out with the trash. I didn't think much of it, I knew it was time to part with some of these because I did start to feel like a hoarder and agreed to get rid of them. I really didn't think much of it at the time, but then this morning I had to cut them up and bundle them up for the trash.
To be honest it was like saying good bye to an old friend, it was me deciding to really stop running and start to put myself into somewhere, to try and really set down roots. It was a bit scary bundling up my old friends and hauling them to the curb, I became pretty sad. Here I was standing in my new home in a city I've always loved, but jobless and no idea how the next 30 days would pan out let alone the next several years. I began to freak out a bit asking myself what on earth was I doing, had I totally lost my mind?
To be honest I had to check my bank accounts today and I felt the same way, had I lost my mind? In this economy and I decided to take this kind of risk? I'm 33 years old, I'm no kid. People my age are settled into good jobs and suddenly I'm going after menial jobs for minimum wage? I figured by this age I wouldn't be working weekends and holidays, that I would have a stable job in a nice office making a decent living. I never wanted rich, I just wanted comfortable and yet here I am.
There are moments I think I'm the biggest failure, all these years and I have no skills that people are looking for? Where did I go so wrong? I do know that I haven't been searching for long, I know I'm being adventurous, I do know I'm chasing after happiness, I really do know all that. I know that it's going to work out, but somedays I think I'm absolutely crazy. Somedays I wonder why I always take such a hard road. Why can't I just be happy with what I had.
Seriously, even I wonder why the hell I typed that. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, I just get so frustrated with the whole financial aspect of this.
I have valued my life for so long on being valued at work, by work in general. I've only been out of work for a week and I'm already lost. I have been keeping busy but I feel so off not working, I just don't feel like myself. It's crazy but it's who I am. I just need to wrap my head around starting over and accept what I have to do in order to rebuild a life. I am very fortunate to have such a great roommate and great friends in the area, so it's helping to ease the stress and I'm very thankful for what I do have, I just get impatient waiting for the rest.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Well I'm dismantling my computer in a few minutes, I'm going to miss my computer and it's only going to be a few days, but I'm going to miss it. This is also the last night for no pants time in my house. Tomorrow night I'll be staying at my parents as well as the next night, and then it's off to Cinci.
While I'm going to miss certain aspects of living alone, I'm also looking forward to having company and a partner in crime. :)
I can't believe it's finally happening. After over a year of planning and dreaming, it's finally happening.
It's so hard to believe. :)
I promise I'll post soon!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that needs to happen, the packing that needs to be finished and the amount of stuff to be packed into that moving trailer! lol. It's going to work out, it's going to work just fine.
Then there is the camping trip two days after I move that I need to prep. for while I settle in, then it's that pesky job thing I need to find. lol. Then there is the collecting of rent next month while I'm in Cinci. the paying of bills, etc...
but I can't wait. :) I'm so excited under all this stress, and there are times the excitement bubbles to the surface. :)
I'm almost there, I'm almost there!!!
We're packing the trailer a day earlier than I thought so I probably won't be posting until after the move. I'm staying with my parents a couple of nights because everything should be loaded on the trailer.
Oh I can't wait. I can't wait for my "Finally in Cinci" party....not sure when that will be, but it's going to happen! :)
I miss you all!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It's a real shame I have to blur his face but in order to protect the innocent I have to blur his identity.
Yes these photos are a bit stalker like, but they were cropped to remove the actual subjects I was taking a picture of.
I swear it was just a happy accident that he happened to be in most of my photos......I promise... ;)
O.K. so I may have taken one or two photos for Jake and Cody when no one was looking and that may be a little stalker like. I can admit it and I'm only slightly ashamed by it. :) O.k. I'm really not all that ashamed, I had to have his photo after watching him all day.
That's not creepy.........is it? I tried to get a photo of his other great asset, but was not able to without being obvious.
Monday, July 12, 2010
When will I start working? How much is the move going to cost me? Will I have the money to do anything once I get moved? How am I going to afford living somewhere else?
Just talking about money digs me further and further into a hole. Everything is current except one bill and yet it feels as if it's going to all fall apart so quickly, I know it won't, I really do know it won't, but my mind is racing all on it's own.
I spent sometime today working on a house design to take my mind off of it. It's a house that will probably never be built, it's for no one in particular but it helps take my mind off of things. Some people play video games, I design homes. lol.
Being in this building still does not help my mental state of mind, it's as if everything is still the same.
O.K. breath, calm down. Breath deeper, think of something else. I'm going to be fine. Everything is going to work out just fine. Everything will come together, it's going to be great, just take it step by step, day by day and it will be just fine. I've been through times harder than this and I came out on the other side just fine, and this will be no different.
O.K. feeling a little better.......maybe.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
So I'm really close on being all packed. Only a few more boxes and tubs and it's all done until moving time. I'm selling my washer and dryer, finalizing details, and applying for jobs. It's hard to explain everything that's running through my mind. I had all these plans in my head for things I wanted to do, people I wanted to spend time with and trips I wanted to make before I left, but as it happened last time, I don't have the time or money to do them once again.
There are people I wanted to make plans with, plans that both parties had and I seemed to be the only serious person. I made the time, had the plans but it seems no one wants to walk the walk. It's been kind of hard on me, it's been hitting me this last week that I'm not sure the people I wanted to spend time with, really want to spend time with me. It's a hard realization, and it may not be right, but it really starts to feel that way. I decided I'm not going to spend the last few weeks here worrying about that. I have made the effort, I have made the time and if people don't want to deal with it, then fine, it's their loss.
Over the last 10 years I've grown so tired of people that talk and talk and talk about doing things but never make the effort to even come close to doing them. I'm so over it. I think a part of the problem is they don't really think it's going to happen. That at some point I'm going to just wake up and say I'm not leaving, maybe it's denial, maybe it's a lack of caring. Either way I've grown tired of forcing myself on others, they can call and make plans once in awhile. Not that I'm bitter at all. lol.
I must say though that they aren't the only ones having a hard time wrapping their heads around the whole concept. I've planned, I've had the visions, I've had the dreams, but as I know by now, it never turns out as I plan. The thing that keeps me calm and moving forward is that it always turns out better.
For the last 8 years I've enjoyed living alone. I've enjoyed having the say on where to put things, what to do, etc... One of the hardest things to get used to is the idea of having a roommate. It's been so long, there have been so many bad experiences, but the closer that the time comes, the more excited I am about it. Perhaps 8 years on my own has made me really long for some company. Someone to share my experiences with in real life. It also helps that she's such an awesome person with a rockin personality.
Most days I look forward to the future, I'm embracing the changes on the horizon, and having nothing but good thoughts in my mind about what life is about to be. Of course there are the other days though where I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety, then I think eh, I spend most of my life like that anyway. lol.
On Thursday of this week I was moving a shelf back into place at work after cleaning and two giant very hard and heavy plastic containers that were stacked together slid off the top shelf and the corner of the bottom one hit me on the head. It hurt, it hurt really really bad. I was kind of stunned, my first instinct was the start screaming about what idiot put them on the top shelf, but then I knew I was the one that put them up there a week before by orders of my general manager. I knew that anger was not the appropriate response and stood there stunned. Of course I was gripping my head because the containers had slammed my headset into my head when it hit.
I think if I had heard one bit of laughter I would have gone off but after everyone heard the giant crash they all came running to see if I was alright. They waited at least 1/2 an hour before the first joke came out and by then I had calmed myself, taken pain killers and returned to taking orders because that's who I am. The more I thought about it the more it started to scare me. What if I had a concussion and fell asleep tonight and didn't wake up. What if this was it? Then I realized that perhaps the sometimes irrational fears and thoughts that were coursing through my inflamed brain could have been the results of the many people around me that always jump to the most extreme cases each time. lol.
I'm fine, the swelling has gone down my head is just really sensitive and washing my hair or combing my hair causes great pain. But I'm alive and still ready to face each day.
I really am looking forward to what the future has in store for me, the challenges it will bring forth and more importantly the joy it holds within it.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
What is it about dancing my butt off and the lack of central air that has me sweating my butt off today..........do you think it will work? My butt will be 3 sizes smaller in the morning? If so it would be totally worth it. lol.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
no one would be shocked except her and I, we're rumored to be sleeping together anyway, but she's the friend that likes to watch male strippers with me. lol.
Is the last person you kissed the one you like?
I like her but not in that way....see above.
Do you smoke weed everyday?
no, I'm so over that crap, it was a time period that was short lived and will never be revisited.
Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
I'm going out tonight, so who knows! lol.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
I worked, then stayed up until 3am working on a house design.
Last thing you watched on tv?
currently watching My First Place
Do you wear eyeliner?
uh no, not something that I've ever considered.....or would even consider.
Plan on getting drunk or high tonight?
no, plan on having a few drinks, but drunk is not on the schedule
Do you like to sleep?
I feel like I'm wasting my life when I sleep too much, but I do enjoy it.
Did anything "cute" happen in the last week?
I got to join one of my favorite kids in her first swimming experience in a big person pool!
Is sex the most important thing in a relationship?
no, but it does rank
What do you want right this second?
see question above. lol.
What does the newest text in your inbox say?
"yes she is and 10 sounds good"
And what was your reply to this?
Have you had sex with more than two people in 2010?
no, but it's only July. :)
Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?
I have, but we'll see someday.....hopefully.
Are you in a good mood?
yeah, I'm a bit bored and feel like I've wasted a day, but oh well.
You miss summer, right?
it's summer right now, I could do without the humidity.
Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating?
uh yeah, most of the my kissing has been to people I wasn't dating.....does that make me sound like a whore?
Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
yes, if you're reading this, you're probably thinking of me. :)
Will the next person you kiss be the same person you last kissed?
who knows, anything is possible.
How late did you stay up last night?
How is your life?
discombobulated, but good.
Are you tan?
parts of me are.
What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
besides myself? Oh the places this answer could go.
Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?
yes, we had a small audience.....I really am dirty aren't I.
You got laid last night, didn't you?
Who was the last male you talked to?
My father who came here today to bitch at me about things that are no longer my problems.
Have you kissed the last person you text?
yes, how odd.
Is there a girl you absolutely can not stand?
yes, I work with several.
Does the person you like know it?
probably not, he's not all that observant.
Would you give your number to an attractive stranger?
If they were interested yes, but not without them asking.
Do you need to forget about someone right now?
sadly those I should forget about are those I can't stop thinking about for one reason or another.
Do you like to run?
have you seen me? That would be a no.
Do you know anybody who is going to the marines this year or next?
yes oddly enough.
If you could receive any one gift right now, what would you want?
cash, and lots of it.
What's one piercing you would never get, and why?
there are too many body parts to put on this list.
Do you like to attend bonfires?
I love a good bon fire with good friends.
The last time you went out to eat with someone, who paid?
I bought my own and they bought their own.
Would you 'get with' a teacher to pass a class you were failing?
depends on the teacher, but I would certainly try. lol.
Do you lie when asked how you're doing?
usually. most people don't want to hear the truth.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
depends on what I'm allowed to do, but it would be fun to see the past.
Does anyone like you right now?
like me? lots...."like" me? I wish.
Could you go a day without eating?
I could go a week without eating if it wasn't so unhealthy for me.
Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
it's hard to say without being in that situation, but at this moment, probably not.
Are you mean?
not enough, apparently I'm a really nice guy.......wait, don't they usually finish last?
Do you want to be single or with someone?
I would really enjoy having someone to share things with, in whatever capacity that comes in at the moment.
Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
alcohol and peer pressure. LMAO!!
How old will you be on your next birthday?
old enough to know better, but young enough to not care. :)
Are you angry with someone right now?
eh, not really, I don't stay mad for long.
Do you ever think about what went wrong in your last relationship?
nope, I already know what went wrong.....everything about the relationship was wrong.
Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars?
I would love too! Is this an invitation?
What were you doing at midnight last night?
driving home from work.
Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
I'm not sure anyone knows everything there is to know about me......yet. lol.
Have you told anybody you loved them today and meant it?
I haven't said it, but I can only imagine it will be spoken tonight. lol.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Such a comment from someone I didn't even know, it reaffirmed everything I had ever thought and a major part of me wanted to back my car out onto the highway into traffic and just wait to get hit. I know how crazy that can sound at times, I wouldn't ever do it, but that's the thought that crossed my mind. I know there is more to me than this body that I hate so much, I just feel like a fool letting myself think that I can pass for anything but the fat man in a crowd. It's so frustrating.
I was talking with my mother today at lunch about past experiences and she told me about this week at her job the pastor was doing marriage counceling and things went badly and the woman came out of his office screaming, past my mother's office and down the stairs out to their car. Then she comes back in, up the stairs, goes into pastor's office and slams the door shut. My mother said she had flash backs to a few years ago when it was common place for the two previous pastors to be slamming doors and having screaming matches in the hallway and then trying to put my mother in the middle of their arguements. She said it took awhile for her to talk herself back down after that. The church paid for some therapy for my mother after they terminated both pastors because she was so shaken up.
It reminds me of the panic I feel in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear a door slamming next door now that it's not my business. Evertime a door slams, or a pot hits the floor or someone slams something on the table, without even knowing what it's about I think I'm in for trouble. I instantly wonder what I did wrong, or didn't do wrong. My stomach turns over and I feel like I could vomit, and this is now 5 years later.
I'm amazed at the amount of emotional baggage I carry with me. I always thought I had the least amount of baggage of anyone I knew because of the very few relationships I had, the great upbringing I had, and the security I thought was instilled into me growing up. But I realize how close the surface I keep all this, no matter how far I think I've burried it, no matter how much I think I've dealt with it, it's always right there, just under the surface waiting to terrorize me in an instant.
I have no idea what to do about any of this. I know the weight is under my control. I'm hoping that when I get moved I will have a schedule that will allow me to find help for this. I realize that after 33 years I can not do this on my own and I plan on reaching for help with this. So it's at least a start, as far as the emotional distress I feel when there is fighting or door slamming going on, I have no idea where to even start with that.
Oh well, guess time will tell.