Thursday, September 2, 2010

Beneath the surface

Beneath the surface of my every day demeanor is anger. An anger so strong and so powerful that it honestly scares me. I try to bury it as deep as I think I can, but somehow it only takes a light scrath to bring it to the surface. I've dealt with it all my life and it only seems to grow stronger. It doesn't always show in everyday life, but it appears during frustrating moments like dropping a screw while I'm working on a construction project, or financial matters with the business or sometimes it's random small situations that seem to bring it out.

I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped back before the venom spewed from my mouth and I said something I would later wish I hadn't.

While it's good that I have learned to pull back on it, it doesn't stop it from being in my system. My heart beats faster, my eyes get a little blurry, blood rushes to my face and I get this strength to break things I always underestimate. In the past I have broken phones from throwing them, toys when I was a kid from slamming them on the floor, several mice from my computer from being thrown or slammed onto the desk, etc... The ugliness is just too much for me now.

I wish I could get it to go away, I wish I could take things in stride and many things I can, but sometimes it just oozes from my pores and I have a hard time reining it back in and keeping it from hurting people that have nothing to do with the situation that caused it.

I guess if I'm come this far, I can go further into controlling it and preventing. Maybe what I need is to find a way to let go of the anger, a punching bag or a dumpster full of glass and a batt. lol.


  1. Maybe...instead of trying to control and smother it you can try to understand it.
    I used to be the same way, rage filled and angry like a crazy person (I still am while driving sometimes :) )
    But I realized that anger wasn't really what I was feeling. So instead of smooshing down the rage when I was in the red hot throes of it I would stop and say, "I'm angry because..." and fill in the blank.

    Like you said here:
    "The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to"

    You weren't angry because you're this out of control rageaholic, you were angry because you were scared, hurt, disappointed.
    If you're anything like me (and I'm pretty sure you are because we're like the same freakin person emotionally sometimes) then anger is the way you feel safe. Because even as uncontrollable as you feel when you're angry you feel powerful too. You can smash things you can scare people that you feel aren't listening and respecting you into at least stopping and hearing the words you're screaming at them.

    Rage for a long time and sometimes still is a blanket I pull over my head to stamp out a world that terrifies me and that I fear is rejecting me every minute. It wasn't until I realized that that I was able to see that I could be a strong and powerful person without anger, which means when I get angry for the right reasons it's even more powerful.

    Just my thoughts, and don't worry, I'll throw shit back at you if you rage at me...let's just hope the house still stands when we're done :)

  2. I think she's right. Understanding WHY you're so angry helps a great deal. And I don't just mean the being angry at someone else; it's something in you that makes it come out. I'm the same way. For me (not necessarily the same with you), it's usually because I'm angry at myself. That's when I get the most angry and have fits of rage. I get pissed at myself for trusting people I KNOW I shouldn't be trusting. *I* have made some sort of mistake and don't want to take responsibility for it because it's scary.