Beneath the surface of my every day demeanor is anger. An anger so strong and so powerful that it honestly scares me. I try to bury it as deep as I think I can, but somehow it only takes a light scrath to bring it to the surface. I've dealt with it all my life and it only seems to grow stronger. It doesn't always show in everyday life, but it appears during frustrating moments like dropping a screw while I'm working on a construction project, or financial matters with the business or sometimes it's random small situations that seem to bring it out.
I learned over the last several years how ugly it is and how ugly it makes me and I don't like it. I don't like the person it makes me become and to be honest, it's exhausting. The other day I exploded over a money issue, it has to do with trust and being lied to and such and it turned me into an ugly person. I stopped myself before uleashing the terror that pours from my veins when it strikes, I stepped back before the venom spewed from my mouth and I said something I would later wish I hadn't.
While it's good that I have learned to pull back on it, it doesn't stop it from being in my system. My heart beats faster, my eyes get a little blurry, blood rushes to my face and I get this strength to break things I always underestimate. In the past I have broken phones from throwing them, toys when I was a kid from slamming them on the floor, several mice from my computer from being thrown or slammed onto the desk, etc... The ugliness is just too much for me now.
I wish I could get it to go away, I wish I could take things in stride and many things I can, but sometimes it just oozes from my pores and I have a hard time reining it back in and keeping it from hurting people that have nothing to do with the situation that caused it.
I guess if I'm come this far, I can go further into controlling it and preventing. Maybe what I need is to find a way to let go of the anger, a punching bag or a dumpster full of glass and a batt. lol.