Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Paths not chosen

I often find myself thinking about the past, usually after a big change in my life. I think about the choices offered to me at the time and the paths I chose to take at the time and why. Often my choices were led by insecurities. I can't think back that far, but as a child I hid behind my weight, I high doubt it was a conscious decision back in the day, I did have genetics battling against me, but somewhere along the line I learned it was just too hard and kept giving up on losing weight. I spent most of the middle school years on all sorts of diets, slim fast was the longest running one but I just couldn't find the will power to stick to it.

I've battled all of my life with it, I hid behind it and used it as an excuse for all sorts of things. I was a very talented swimmer, my gym teacher told me so, but because I was so big I just couldn't make the team. He worked with me for awhile to help me, but when it got hard I quit. Had I lost the weight I would have competed, and it's something I didn't like to do because I could lose. I can see it clearly now all these years later.

I used my insecurities to decide what school to go to when I went back. I didn't want to live in a regular dorm because I would be too close to people and I didn't want to deal with sharing showers and bathrooms with so many other people so when I received my acceptance letters from all five schools I applied too I separated them by living situations first. Seriously? First?

I don't know what takes me down these paths because every time I think about it I realize I made these choices and I've lived with them. Each one having it's own great out come and the sum of them all has equaled a pretty damn great life so far. I think about all the great people I hold dear in my life and nearly all of them are a result of one of these decisions. Could there be other great people I would have met along the way? I'm sure of it, but I wouldn't trade a single one of the people I have now for a chance to find out, so why do I do this to myself?

I'm a very lucky person and hope that someday I can really appreciate my life for what it has been. I do have my issues that come from other decisions, but in general I'm very happy with who I've become and I do look forward to finding what the future holds for me. All I can do is continue to make the decisions that seem right for life at the time because it's worked out so far. That's the funny thing about God, he always seems to know exactly what he's doing.

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