Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Good things

So I decided to start doing the list of good things, it's an idea copied from Bethany who copied it from someone else. I was hesitant at first of using other people's ideas, but it's a good one so I did it anyway. lol. I find it good to find something good in every day, it helps me refocus some of my energy. So here it is, I started late, so it isn't much, but enjoy it anyway.

August 22: I was told by my boss that he recieved three compliments today all about me and that customers would be returning because of me. It made me feel really good.

August 23: My friend Genia came to visit on her way home and we had a great lunch. I always love seeing Genia!

August 24: I realized after having my daily long sometimes awkward phone call with my father, that he calls for random things because I think he misses me. It felt good.

August 25: I got to see my roommate today, haven't seen much nor will I be seeing much of her until next week. Oh and I got off work 1/2 hour early tonight! Woohoo!

August 26: Got three phone calls about possible jobs in one day today. Feeling needed always makes me feel good.

August 27: I was offered the job I was hoping for at the bank today alleviating much of the uncertainty of my future decisions.

August 28: Was working on a display in one aisle at work and over heard two of my supervisors in the next aisle discuss how I was worth the extra money they are paying me over the rest of the new hires. It felt good.

August 29: Watched my first full award show with my roommie and had a hilarious evening.

August 30: Had the day off of work and managed to be productive building shelves in the laundry room and organizing a lot of it as well. I like to be productive

August 31: Had a good day at work, the boss made several comments that made me feel good and made me feel like I was a valued employee.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sometimes it's the small things

I talked to my friend Free the other day and he asked how things were going. How the job was going and how the roommate situation was going and such, just over all checking up on me. He asked me if I was happy here, and I told him while it isn't what I thought it would be right away, I really am happy. The small things/changes are what really makes a difference.

My life is pretty similar to the life I had further north. I spend time at work and at home and driving in between. It seems to be all there is right now. I've been invited to a couple of different times out but because of work I had to decline, similar to my life up north but it's the small things that have made the difference.

When I'm listening to Cher in my car, or even Lady Gaga and pull up to a stop light with other cars around I don't have the sudden urge to turn down the radio enough that no one else can hear and judge me by what I'm listening too. I can have conversations with my roommate out at lunch in public that I never could have before based on the fear of being found out, or someone over hearing and assuming things and spreading more rumors than there were.

I'm free to be me here and it's a greater feeling than I imagined. It is something to get used to though. I went to Bethany's work today where she has told people about me being gay and outed me to her office. lol. It was mentioned breifly and I think I turned at least 10 shades of red until I realized it was o.k. here, I didn't have to put on an act, I didn't have to pretend, I could just own it and it felt good.

There really are some mental adjustments I need to make, but I'll get there because they all feel so good. The rest? It will come in time, I do know it was a little ambitious of me to expect to walk into a full social life when I got down here. lol. Little by little it will happen, for now I'm really enjoying being me and that's a hell of a start. :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

How do money and happiness work together?

So I've spent most of my day today thinking about the balance of money to life and thinking about the reasons I moved to Cincinnati and left behind everything I once knew. I had an interview today for a job I really think I would enjoy, and could be really good at and grow well into. A job I was excited about. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'll be hearing about it tomorow or Monday.

After the interview I came home and my phone didn't stop ringing. People wanting their money was a couple of them of course. Another call I recieved was from Speeday, a call I had given up on long ago. They are ready for the next step in the interview process. I remember when I interviewed I was very excited about the money aspect of it, but that was the only exciting part about the job. I would be running a carryout with a schedule worse than what I worked at Wendy's. It's everything I've done except someone paying me better for it, but it dawned on me the other day.....aren't those the things I was moving away from?

I put off the interview with S.W. until the middle of next week because I want to see if this other job is going to pan out and I really needed to think about this because I'm really thinking that I don't want to accept the speedway job. Happiness is a factor, isn't it? I would be making good money, but at what cost? 50 hours a week isn't bad, but being on call 24/7 just doesn't have the appeal I thought. lol. I'm not sure what I'll do, I have a several days to think about it, so we'll see.

I just always have such a hard time balancing my happiness with money. I spend so much of my time thinking about money, usually at the cost of happiness. While I like working hard, I think I'm getting too old for the constantly working crap I've been doing for the last 10 years. It might be nice to put my energy into something I could enjoy and if the money isn't there right away, it will come......right? I just need to get that damn business closed, that would solve a lot of these problems.

All in time right?

Well I think I've ranted and whined enough for one night. lol.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

An update for you all

So here's an update for those of you not on facebook (yes, you know I'm looking at you) and the rest of you as well.

Closing has once again been delayed. There is an issue with the liquor license, it boils down to the lawyer telling me that if we close before the transfer is official then he can no longer sell alcohol until the transfer is complete. Well he got the letter stating he had 14 days to send in my license so they can send him his. What this means is the state has officially transfered ownership of the license, therefore making mine invalid which is why he needs to send it back and they will officially print his and send it too him. Legally the transfer has been made. I tried to explain this to the lawyer, who I would assume already know this. I had this conversation with my liquor agent when I went through the transfer 5 years ago, so it's not like I'm some idiot making a guess about how this is happening. Yet, my 75 year old lawyer couldn't seem to wrap his head around the idea and said we shouldn't close until the license is in his hand.

So in the mean time I've been without income for nearly 4 weeks now. My first full paycheck from my OM gig will not be until next week, the 3rd I believe. What this means is my parents still don't have their money and have had to loan me extra money to cover some of the expenses at the store, my wonderfully patient and gracious roommate has been waiting on rent, which she assures me isn't a big deal yet, but it really is in my head. And this also means I have had to limit my groceries and spending tremendously, which probably isn't a bad thing, but all my clothes have holes, my contacts are 3 years old, and my glasses have been broken for 3 years. I really need to take care of these things because they have been put on hold for so long.

The end is near, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I think someone keeps flipping the switch because it's flickering.

My "part time" job at O.M. is going well. The managers are all really nice and tell me all the time I'm doing a great job and picking up on everything really quick. It only took a few days to learn the store as well as most of the longer associates. Most days the customers are great, but there are days I could do without them. They seem to run in packs. lol. It's an easy job at an extremly different pace than I'm used to, but it's good. The money isn't the greatest, but for now it's going to work. This has been busy season so I've been pulling nearly 40 hours a week which has been good, it wll be really nice when I get a paycheck for it! lol.

I have an interview in the morning for a different job. It's an office job at a call center for one of the big banks around here. It's 50% more money, 40 hours a week, bonuses, and benefits!!! It's been just over 5 years since I've had a job like that. I'm not getting my hopes up, but if it's meant to be, I wouldn't turn it down. lol. So anyway I should probably get to bed so I'm not yawning through the interview......I hear that's bad. lol.

Well that's all for now, I'm working on some other posts, I found that I had 8 posts that I had made some notes on and never finished, so I'm trying to get back into the mind set I was in when I created them so maybe I can finish them.

Until then!!!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

finally a post?

Yes yes, but before you get too excited, I'm just really here to let you all know that I'm alive and well. lol. Working full time again after two or three weeks off has been an adjustment. I still have plenty of time to think and to plot more posts, and I have some ideas in my head of things I want to start doing, but really, it's probably not going to happen for awhile.

This is all due to a few factors.

1) I have this unbelievable amount of worry and stress sitting on my heart and my mind currently while I await the closing of the business and this has a strong effect on my inspiration and my mood. I learned to not write in certain moods, and right now as much as I try to avoid it, the mood is affecting me....or should I say infecting me. The end is near, but until it does this weighs heavily on my mind.

2) I'm not comfortable typing on a laptop. I often lose my train of thought because of missing a key or something, it sounds stupid I know it does, I'm very grateful to be able to use it, but I also can't wait until I get my first paycheck and get the internet situation striaghtened out so I can get back to my desk. lol. I really do know how stupid that sounds.

3) There are days, sometimes strings of days, sometimes weeks that I feel like I have nothing of interest that anyone would possibly want to waste time reading. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to contribute to conversations, that I couldn't possibly be interesting enough to have anything worth while to say. I know it's stupid as well, but sometimes I get into that mood and I can't get myself out of it. It takes something different everytime, and I'll get there, I promise.

So anyway, that's all. My job is good, my living situation is fantastic, and my health is good with the exception of my aching feet. lol.

I'll post again soon, how soon? I can't make any promises.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A whole new world

So Bethany keeps asking me if it feels like I'm living here yet and I keep waiting for it to really hit me. It started to hit me when I had to go back to my parents to finish somethings up with the store and I kept calling Cinci home, but really that's all. It's started to bother me, I thought, well maybe after I start working, but I started work today and it just doesn't feel like it. I think much of it has to do with Cinci has been a place to vacation for me for so many years, I'm seeing people I usually only see 6 times a year or less, I'm having drinks with friends I haven't seen in years. I'm working a job that is the polar opposite to the jobs I used to have.

It's so strange, really the only thing that is the same to what life was like before is my furniture and I really don't see it all that much. lol. I'm o.k. with all this though. I'm o.k. with everything being new, it's what I wanted, it's what I searched for, and it's what I've been dreaming about. I live in a wonderful home with a ghetto fabulous friend, I work a cake job at the moment, there is no drama within friends, I mean seriously, I know this feeling won't last forever, but at the moment it just all feels like a dream.

I'm sure reality will start to set in, when I start paying bills here, when I get more of a social life (you know, after I have a steady income and all), and new friends (not that I plan on trading in the current friends) and so on and so forth. I'm sure it will start to feel familiar, but in a way I hope it's always new. I already feel more at home in the last 3 weeks here (wow, seriously that long already?) than I did for the first 5 years I lived in Michigan.

I really don't know how to explain it. There are things I hope for in the future, but at this moment, I'm happy. Happy how you may ask? Well that will come in another blog, I need to get to bed. :)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Cardboard boxes

One would not think much about boxes, they're used to ship things, you use them to move things and so on and so forth. It's kind of insane to say but I have an attatchment to cardboard boxes. I've moved so many times so far in my lifetime I've used a lot of boxes. When I moved one of the last couple of times back and forth to school I started to keep boxes. I figured it was silly to track down boxes all the time when I would just be moving again, so I began to keep them. I'd break them down and store them under my bed, in my closet, wherever I could find room. It sounds like an epsidoe from horrders I know, but it's what I did.

I remember when I moved into my last apartment in Michigan I just knew it would be temporary and I by then I had accumulated many boxes, but luckily I had a storage room in that apartment so I had all the space I needed. I kept them for more than convenience, it became a sense a comfort. I was so unhappy in Michigan that having those boxes meant that I could pack up and be gone in no time flat. It was my emergency escape from a life I wanted nothing to do with anymore but was afraid to let go of it, but I'll get to that in a bit.

When I moved back to Ohio there were boxes that never did get unpacked. I blamed it on time and space but really looking back it was because I didn't like my house. I didn't feel comfortable there. I didn't like to have people over I didn't like to spend time there, I just looked for excuses to get out of there. To my own surprise I did manage to part with some of my boxes when some of my friends moved but somehow I always ended up with them, and more actually.

It was always my safety net, it was my escape route, my way out if you will. When I moved down here to Cinci. Bethany told me I was not keeping the boxes, they were to be thrown out with the trash. I didn't think much of it, I knew it was time to part with some of these because I did start to feel like a hoarder and agreed to get rid of them. I really didn't think much of it at the time, but then this morning I had to cut them up and bundle them up for the trash.

To be honest it was like saying good bye to an old friend, it was me deciding to really stop running and start to put myself into somewhere, to try and really set down roots. It was a bit scary bundling up my old friends and hauling them to the curb, I became pretty sad. Here I was standing in my new home in a city I've always loved, but jobless and no idea how the next 30 days would pan out let alone the next several years. I began to freak out a bit asking myself what on earth was I doing, had I totally lost my mind?

To be honest I had to check my bank accounts today and I felt the same way, had I lost my mind? In this economy and I decided to take this kind of risk? I'm 33 years old, I'm no kid. People my age are settled into good jobs and suddenly I'm going after menial jobs for minimum wage? I figured by this age I wouldn't be working weekends and holidays, that I would have a stable job in a nice office making a decent living. I never wanted rich, I just wanted comfortable and yet here I am.

There are moments I think I'm the biggest failure, all these years and I have no skills that people are looking for? Where did I go so wrong? I do know that I haven't been searching for long, I know I'm being adventurous, I do know I'm chasing after happiness, I really do know all that. I know that it's going to work out, but somedays I think I'm absolutely crazy. Somedays I wonder why I always take such a hard road. Why can't I just be happy with what I had.

Seriously, even I wonder why the hell I typed that. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, I just get so frustrated with the whole financial aspect of this.

I have valued my life for so long on being valued at work, by work in general. I've only been out of work for a week and I'm already lost. I have been keeping busy but I feel so off not working, I just don't feel like myself. It's crazy but it's who I am. I just need to wrap my head around starting over and accept what I have to do in order to rebuild a life. I am very fortunate to have such a great roommate and great friends in the area, so it's helping to ease the stress and I'm very thankful for what I do have, I just get impatient waiting for the rest.