Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Cardboard boxes

One would not think much about boxes, they're used to ship things, you use them to move things and so on and so forth. It's kind of insane to say but I have an attatchment to cardboard boxes. I've moved so many times so far in my lifetime I've used a lot of boxes. When I moved one of the last couple of times back and forth to school I started to keep boxes. I figured it was silly to track down boxes all the time when I would just be moving again, so I began to keep them. I'd break them down and store them under my bed, in my closet, wherever I could find room. It sounds like an epsidoe from horrders I know, but it's what I did.

I remember when I moved into my last apartment in Michigan I just knew it would be temporary and I by then I had accumulated many boxes, but luckily I had a storage room in that apartment so I had all the space I needed. I kept them for more than convenience, it became a sense a comfort. I was so unhappy in Michigan that having those boxes meant that I could pack up and be gone in no time flat. It was my emergency escape from a life I wanted nothing to do with anymore but was afraid to let go of it, but I'll get to that in a bit.

When I moved back to Ohio there were boxes that never did get unpacked. I blamed it on time and space but really looking back it was because I didn't like my house. I didn't feel comfortable there. I didn't like to have people over I didn't like to spend time there, I just looked for excuses to get out of there. To my own surprise I did manage to part with some of my boxes when some of my friends moved but somehow I always ended up with them, and more actually.

It was always my safety net, it was my escape route, my way out if you will. When I moved down here to Cinci. Bethany told me I was not keeping the boxes, they were to be thrown out with the trash. I didn't think much of it, I knew it was time to part with some of these because I did start to feel like a hoarder and agreed to get rid of them. I really didn't think much of it at the time, but then this morning I had to cut them up and bundle them up for the trash.

To be honest it was like saying good bye to an old friend, it was me deciding to really stop running and start to put myself into somewhere, to try and really set down roots. It was a bit scary bundling up my old friends and hauling them to the curb, I became pretty sad. Here I was standing in my new home in a city I've always loved, but jobless and no idea how the next 30 days would pan out let alone the next several years. I began to freak out a bit asking myself what on earth was I doing, had I totally lost my mind?

To be honest I had to check my bank accounts today and I felt the same way, had I lost my mind? In this economy and I decided to take this kind of risk? I'm 33 years old, I'm no kid. People my age are settled into good jobs and suddenly I'm going after menial jobs for minimum wage? I figured by this age I wouldn't be working weekends and holidays, that I would have a stable job in a nice office making a decent living. I never wanted rich, I just wanted comfortable and yet here I am.

There are moments I think I'm the biggest failure, all these years and I have no skills that people are looking for? Where did I go so wrong? I do know that I haven't been searching for long, I know I'm being adventurous, I do know I'm chasing after happiness, I really do know all that. I know that it's going to work out, but somedays I think I'm absolutely crazy. Somedays I wonder why I always take such a hard road. Why can't I just be happy with what I had.

Seriously, even I wonder why the hell I typed that. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, I just get so frustrated with the whole financial aspect of this.

I have valued my life for so long on being valued at work, by work in general. I've only been out of work for a week and I'm already lost. I have been keeping busy but I feel so off not working, I just don't feel like myself. It's crazy but it's who I am. I just need to wrap my head around starting over and accept what I have to do in order to rebuild a life. I am very fortunate to have such a great roommate and great friends in the area, so it's helping to ease the stress and I'm very thankful for what I do have, I just get impatient waiting for the rest.

1 comment:

  1. You know Pete, I'm so glad I'm bossy :) Kidding!

    God told me to move to Cincinnati and then nothing for 3 years. I worked at minimum wage and still struggle financially. I think this idea of people our age having it all together just isn't true. I don't know anyone that feels like they have it all together and figured out.
    You are worth more than the paychecks you get and the job you work and you're not alone.

    Love you, see you tonight!