Saturday, September 11, 2010

An unceremonial life

So I said yesterday about how I signed off on my business and it made me so happy, and it really did. Tomorrow I get to sit down and start writing checks to pay off so many bills that have haunted me over the last few months, I'll be caught up and 3/4 of the money I borrowed from my parents will be paid back. That alone is such a relief, such a load off of my shoulders, and a load off of my heart.

I imagined what it would be like, that time afterwards. I imagined champagne toasts, a celebratory dinner with my family with toasts and thanks and sharing memories. What really happened you ask? I came home, told them the news, they sighed and then told me to take a nap so I wasn't tired driving home that night. We went to dinner with my grandma and her friend and then I drove home to a house of kitties and that was all.

No toasts, no drinks, no family celebration. It was so anti climactic I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even driving home that night thinking about paying these bills off and not having this huge debt and huge amount of stress on my mind and my heart and it was so hard for me to imagine. It's hard to believe it's over.

Even my moving was very unceremoniously. I was going to have a party so I could see everyone before I left, or at least give them an opportunity to see me before I left but I had no time and no money, and since I'm the only one that would throw a party like that, it never got done. I'm now getting emails and phone calls asking me when I moved, when did I sell the store, etc... People are actually upset with me because I didn't visit them before I left. Really? I knew it would happen, it always does. I slipped out of town as if I left in the middle of the night and few even noticed.

I'm not one for a big party or celebration, but isn't it human nature to have that just once? I think back on my life and the biggest changes have been met with boring mundane every day life. I graduated college and never had a party, just went to work the next day. I moved to Michigan and no one noticed. I moved away from Michigan and no one noticed. I opened my own business and never even had a grand opening. I sold the business and nothing. I just feel as if I'm missing out on something, like these milestones have gone unnoticed. I'm not sure what I expect, perhaps it's wrong to have these feelings, perhaps it's wrong to want these things, I'm just not sure.

It seems awfully selfish the more I think about it, maybe I just need to be happy that these things have happened and keep moving on with my life. There are so many people who don't have these things in their life so why should I shove it in people's faces. I need to just put on my big boy pants and get on with my life already.

I'm just having a stupid self pity party, but it's over. The store is gone and soon I'll be all caught up and the bills will be paid with the exception of some money I'm still going to owe to a private investor, but it could have been so much worse, so I'm going to be thankful for what has happened, the life I've been given and opportunities before me.

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