Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Ah, what a better time to blog than relaxing in the house all by myself after eating great food today. I have been gone for way too long. I was doing well blogging and then I moved, then I started working again and well, I'm not doing well with time management. For the most part that is what all the bad patterns I've been falling into involve.

I have lots to learn, there is a word my roommate keeps telling me about that would help me, but I keep forgetting what that is....let me think...hmmm.....it only had two letters in it.......ummm.......oh, I think it was N-O. It's a funny word that I'm still researching and I think I need to start practicing. I'm sure I'll figure it out, in my own way and in my own time.

So let's see, what else to talk about....work. My new job is actually pretty cool, I can't say I'm in love with it yet because there is so much to get used to. There are so many regulations, so many different rules, so many managers and things to consider while you're trying to just help people that it can be very over whelming at times. The other aspect is forging new friendships with people. That doesn't happen all the time and I'm never really good at it, but it's slowly been working. It helps that I work with a group of pretty awesome people. There are some that stick out more than others and one of the hard things is finding time to work on building these relationships because we have our days scheduled minute by minute and I'm not used to it at all. They said we are starting during a very busy season so it's a bit tough but they say it will slow down. It's just one call after another. The longest break I've had between calls to get some of my paperwork done is 1.5 minutes. Some of these calls just amaze me.

I know you may be wondering if I'm "out" at work and while it took awhile I never lied and never alluded to anything but it still took over two weeks for someone to even ask me. I didn't deny it and I didn't hesitate and it felt good. It feels good everyday to not have to pretend to be something I'm not, to not have to hide anything, to live my life. No one has had a negative attitude about it so that helps, lol.

I'm still working at O.M. part time, but I feel that coming to an end soon. I know I used to do more hours than this, but it's really wearing on me and I don't like it. I would like to be able to get involved with something, to start doing more things and becoming more involved and these hours really take up more time than they first appeared. Now I just have to figure out how to go about actually leaving this time and not letting them talk me into staying again. It's hard at times because they are such nice people. I was invited to three of their homes today for Thanksgiving, I mean who does that? It really made me feel good about these people I've been working with and for.

So lately I've been feeling like I've come so far in my life, that I've gone miles on this journey I call life but I've suddenly started to feel like I'm at a cross roads again, that I'm standing in the middle of this intersection kicking around stones trying to make up my mind about what direction to go, what road to take. I feel like there are some pretty big decisions to be made, some big steps to be taken and I'm just not ready to move yet. It's safer to stand in the middle of the cross roads and kick around the dirt a little. These roads are full of grown up decisions, comitments and fulfilling promises I once made to myself about the future I was wanting, the future I promised myself so often in my days of hoplessness. It's all so cryptic and yet so clear to me. All I need is a little ambition, a little dedication, and to put myself into these movements and go forward, but for now I'll stand here and keep thinking.

So today while I was cleaning up my living area I moved my scale around and decided to step up on it and see what it had to say. I never weighed myself before I moved, I never considered it really but within weeks of me moving people were talking about my face getting skinnier and such and so in late September I weighed myself and realized I had lost some weight, I didn't know how much exactly but it was around 15-20# from what I remembered I weighed myself at the last time and was pretty excited but was still amazed at the number I was looking at. I have been worried a little lately because I felt like I was putting it all back on and I was trying to figure out what to do about it, but what I discovered today was that I have lost an additional 17# since the week before I started this job which was only 4 weeks ago.

All I keep thinking is that I'm not even really trying all that hard. I just keep thinking what I could do if I actually applied myself and realized that everything in my life is like that. I have a problem that I get comfortable and stop trying, sometimes things happen anyway without me trying and I'm not sure why, but then I wonder what it would be like if I really tried, if I put myself into everything I do, put effort into everything I do, where could I go? What would be possible then? It's one of those things that has been on my mind lately.

My mind has been getting backed up a little because I haven't been blogging. I would be worse if I was still living alone, but I have a great sounding board that I live with, a pretty rockin friend that's around all the time to listen to me or just make me laugh. Sometimes that's all I need in a day is laughter, or someone to listen to, or someone to talk to. I really don't know how I lived alone for so long, I feel like I cheated myself, but then again I wouldn't appreciate what I have now.

Well I should go, I still have to run to the gas station.....on second thought I should take the car, it would be easier to put gas in it if it was with me after all. Back to work in the morning for a day then off for the weekend!!

Love you guys!!

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