So I've been trying to recall what it was that set off the last post. What was it that happened recently that made me slide back behind all the progress I had made in my self esteem battle in loving who I am, and I realized. I was at a graduation party a few weeks back and my car was parked behind someone else's vehicle so they made an announcement asking if whoever owned the car would move it, I got up and started to walk towards my car to move it and heard a comment coming from one of the tables....."Jesus, I don't think he could even fit in a Neon"
Such a comment from someone I didn't even know, it reaffirmed everything I had ever thought and a major part of me wanted to back my car out onto the highway into traffic and just wait to get hit. I know how crazy that can sound at times, I wouldn't ever do it, but that's the thought that crossed my mind. I know there is more to me than this body that I hate so much, I just feel like a fool letting myself think that I can pass for anything but the fat man in a crowd. It's so frustrating.
I was talking with my mother today at lunch about past experiences and she told me about this week at her job the pastor was doing marriage counceling and things went badly and the woman came out of his office screaming, past my mother's office and down the stairs out to their car. Then she comes back in, up the stairs, goes into pastor's office and slams the door shut. My mother said she had flash backs to a few years ago when it was common place for the two previous pastors to be slamming doors and having screaming matches in the hallway and then trying to put my mother in the middle of their arguements. She said it took awhile for her to talk herself back down after that. The church paid for some therapy for my mother after they terminated both pastors because she was so shaken up.
It reminds me of the panic I feel in the pit of my stomach everytime I hear a door slamming next door now that it's not my business. Evertime a door slams, or a pot hits the floor or someone slams something on the table, without even knowing what it's about I think I'm in for trouble. I instantly wonder what I did wrong, or didn't do wrong. My stomach turns over and I feel like I could vomit, and this is now 5 years later.
I'm amazed at the amount of emotional baggage I carry with me. I always thought I had the least amount of baggage of anyone I knew because of the very few relationships I had, the great upbringing I had, and the security I thought was instilled into me growing up. But I realize how close the surface I keep all this, no matter how far I think I've burried it, no matter how much I think I've dealt with it, it's always right there, just under the surface waiting to terrorize me in an instant.
I have no idea what to do about any of this. I know the weight is under my control. I'm hoping that when I get moved I will have a schedule that will allow me to find help for this. I realize that after 33 years I can not do this on my own and I plan on reaching for help with this. So it's at least a start, as far as the emotional distress I feel when there is fighting or door slamming going on, I have no idea where to even start with that.
Oh well, guess time will tell.