Sunday, February 1, 2009

An Assortment of stuff

Thank you Kurt Warner for making tonight's game that much more enjoyable because of your lovely face.

You played a good game, but sadly your defensive line was just outplayed. It's sad and I wish I was there to comfort you in your loss, but I'm sure your wife and kids will do a fine job.

But I wish it was me. :)

Photo Source

Today at lunch my mother announced to me that my ex-girlfriend has asked to get married at our church. Now this is the excentric ex-girlfriend or girl friend #2 in regards to a previous blog a long time ago on my other blog. This was the gf that was the final straw that helped me accept to myself that I was gay. It was the gf that I was talked into going out with and the one that smothered me. She was also the one that talked to me on the phone for hours and helped me through some very hard times during the end of my last job. She helped me write my business plan to buy this place and she was such a wonderful friend. Sadly, I'm gay, she's a girl and we just never would have worked.

So why has this been on my mind all day? My grandmother who was at lunch also did the grandmotherly thing and said: "See, that could have been you, guess you blew your shot for that one". My poor grandmother, she's never going to understand when I bring a boy home. She means well, she's the middle child of 7. She's lost one sister, one brother, and 2 husbands. She has 6 kids of her own, and only 3 great grand kids of her own with 2 on the way. Her brother and sisters have over 20 a piece. She feels like she did something wrong. My parents don't seem to mind except when they hold any of their great nieces or nephews, but they can't imagine themselves babysitting, or going to soccer games or anything like that, so they really are o.k. with it so far.

I feel like when things like this happen they are all staring at me waiting for me to procreate. I've made myself very clear in that I didn't want kids anyway and they should just keep looking at the next one in line. I'm fifth in line as far as grandkids go, the first is on his second marriage and no children in sight, the second just filed for divorce last week, the third just had her first miracle baby and is in an unsteady marriage, the fourth has a child with one on the way but lives 200 miles away. Then there is me. The next two in line are both married, one has a child and another on the way. It's no wonder all eyes are on me...I guess there shouldn't be much surprise then when I bring home a boy. :) LOL.

Anyway, enough of the family drama, I wonder why gf #2 getting married has me thinking about this all day. I thought I had gotten through this nearly three years ago when we broke up and I finally accepted who I was. But perhaps there is some lingering thoughts in my head, or wishes that things were different and I could put on the facade that everyone wants, but it's not in me to be that guy. I just could not do that to me, or to anyone else.

A movie quote from Prayers for Bobby that I find fitting at this moment:
"Bobby, you're not gay, you just haven't found a girl you're really attracted too yet."

I've heard that from one of my friend's that knows and it is so hard to explain to someone the feelings, that in your mind you know who you are, you know who you're attracted to. People just can't get it. In the movie when Bobby is talking to the psychiatrist who is trying to "heal" him she says "If you've never experienced it, how do you know?" I've also heard this from the same friend. I finally told him that hearing that is like me telling him "How do you know you're not gay if you've never been with man?" I made a little headway that night with him getting closer to understanding.

It's like some people think it's just a switch, or an overbearing mother, or a distant father (also a theory from the movie and life), but it's none of that. I grew up in a house filled with love, a father that was home and spent time with us doing "manly" things, it's how I know the construction techniques I know. I had a mother that loved us all equally and never favored one or the other. My parents raised us well and raised us all the same. It's not a switch, I never had an older man recruit me, or try to touch me or anything shady like that. I am who I am, God made me this way, why am I trying so hard to fight it?

God made me a decent designer and yet I never tried to fight that. God made me a good listener and I never fought that? It's just mind blowing sometimes how I have the nerve to think that God could have made a mistake, when I know deep in my heart that this is who I am, this is who God created, and this is who I was meant to be. Why can I trust in God for so many things, but when it comes to who I am I think he made a mistake? This is not falling to temptations, this is not being mislead by evil, I had never been exposed to any of this all my life, this is me.

So anyway, I guess 6 beers brings out the philosopical conversation, who knew it took so little? lol.

I'm really o.k., and I'll continue to be o.k. it's just things have been changing here lately. Lives around me are changing, people around me are changing, and it just feels like my time here is coming to an end. I'm ready for the change, and I'm ready to move on. After reading Jake's comment the other day I really sat down and had to think if I was running from someone or something. I guess in a way I am, but not because I'm afraid of facing it, but because it's not worth my time. It's not who I am, and I can never be who I am in this environment. I will always have a fond place in my heart for this area, but it's not me. G gets it because she grew up here too, this place is like no other and it's fine for many people. Many people thrive on this environment, but it's slowly killing me, even my family sees it, so I know it's not just me. I'm not running away, I'm running too something new and exciting. Will Cinci be everthing I want it to be? Probably not, but if it's not right either, I'll make that choice when the time comes and move on. But if I don't try, I'll never know. :)

Well I'm going to try and get to bed semi early tonight, I wasn't allowed to nap during the boring parts of the game tonight, so I should get to bed early to make up for it. lol.

Have a great one!


  1. I think we all question who we are. I constantly wonder if God made several mistakes with me. You're not alone in that. I don't have an answer or even a good reply ...

    And that town ... ugh, I go up for a 2 week visit and I'm ready to leave after 5 days. If it weren't for you and T, I would have left after those 5 days. And T wants me to move back there? Uhhh, NO.

    I liked how you worded this:
    "I'm not running away, I'm running to something new and exciting."

    Love you!

  2. I totally read the first line of G's comment as:

    " think we all question who you are"


  3. First off, if you could see Warner's face during the game, you have much better eyes than mine! Those helmets are so obstructive.

    Now if you'd said his ass made the game more enjoyable... but that's another comment for another post.

    It's not rare to get all introspective when someone you dated gets married or has a baby. Thinking "it could have been me" and/or comparing our progress to that of the people we grew up with and around is just human nature. You just have to remember that their path is not your path.

    I had to laugh at your story about your grandma. Cody's mom and dad have always not-so-subtley hinted that they wanted grandbabies. Sadly, Dan never got to hold a grandchild before he died. His mom is happy to have a baby next door for now, but I know the heat will be back on his brother again before long.

    Just remember it's not our job to fulfill other peoples wishes.

    For what it's worth, Cody and I have been trying for years to have a baby, but it just doesn't seem to take. ;)

  4. His ass helped while on the field, but all the pictures they showed of him while he was playing, those eyes just captivate me!

    You and Cody will just have to keep trying. Practice makes perfect right?