Cabin Trip

So coming to the cabin was a still a good idea. I think it was good to get away by myself to realize I don't particularly care to be by myself all the time. I think I need a little more of it than what I have but I like living with Bethany, I like working around the house, I want to get back into some creative hobbies and start to open up the creative side of my brain again.  I found I don't care for nature all that much. I went walking through the woods on some trails and some of them were washed out, some where muddy and I ran into so many spider webs and got grossed out.  I had enough of rough nature. I'll take metro parks over this stuff.  I like paved paths and parking lots. 

I did however enjoy the freedom to take my shirt off and get some sun. It got really hot and I prefer tanning in a pool but it was nice to lay out without thinking someone was going to walk up on me any minute.  While I'm comfortable with my body, I'm not comfortable with people I know seeing it at this point. I don't know if that will ever change.  I enjoyed being nude in the hot tub. I enjoy the freedom and the feeling of the water on my skin, the air on my skin and just relaxing.  It's a kind of relaxing I can't do when others are around, there is always that part of my brain that is worried about a roll or bulge or too much skin showing.  I enjoy letting my skin breath.

I talked to Mark today and he was asking what I learned and I shared much of the above with him. I also told him I'm terrible at small talk and would like to have hobbies to talk about or things that make me happy. He pointed out I have lots of hobbies and things I enjoy doing, like seeing musicals, mixing cocktails, cooking, building things, etc...  It dawned on me that I do have hobbies and things that make me happy but why don't I ever answer that question?  I realized today it's because of the toxic people in my past that wouldn't allow me to enjoy something without being a super fan.  

I stopped watching football because it was always something when talking to "fans" I would tell them I enjoy watching the Buckeyes college football and they would rattle off about did I see this, what are my thoughts on the plays etc... I didn't give a fuck about any of that. I knew a couple of players and I knew how the game was played. What else did I have to know?  Apparently you have to be an amateur coach, a memorizer of all player stats and be obsessed enough you tell people to fuck off when they mention the state of Michigan. I don't get it, I stopped watching and just look at people when they ask me about sports and just say "Whoopi! Go sportsing" and that usually ends the conversation and they move on. 

I tell people I love musicals they argue about how musicals of the last 30 years are all garbage and you can't be a fan if that's what you like.  Or if I like to build and fix things they want to critique everything. I honestly just hate talking to people for all of these reasons.  They say you should put out in the world what you want back and let me tell you, I don't get that courtesy in return. If I don't understand your hobby or what makes you happy I still want to know what you enjoy about it. Do you get a chance to do it often? Do you have a favorite X? That sounds fascinating.  Why can't we just cheer people on for who they are and where they are in life.  

You like sports, that's great. Do you have a favorite sport? Do you have a favorite team? That all seems great, good for you! Sadly that's never how it goes. 

Yeah so I'm ready to go home in the morning, a part of me wants to just pack it up and go home tonight but I did pay for the night and I would enjoy another night of the hot tub so I'll stay.